Black Dogs 27

Thanks Wyllow3.

HVDY It was good visiting your SiL, but I imagine it's not very pleasant seeing residents who shout and wander about, its very sad for them. I'm afraid I'm like your brother, I don't know why he won't take painkillers, but I am a bit paranoid about taking pills.
We have one of those new huge B&M stores. I haven't been, but I was wondering were to get stocking fillers, so thanks,problem solved. I think you could be a proffessional shopper, you're so good at it.
Poor Jaffa, I hope the drops work quickly. I'm sure his eyes must feel uncomfortable.
You've got some nice things to wear for Christmas. Both the dress and trousers sound lovely, velvet is so Christmassy, and the bargain shoes. Don't you love when you find a real bargain?
So disappointing about your holiday. I hate early flights, getting up at an unearthly hour, but an airport hotel is a good idea. I looked at Easyjet and their flights are early too.
It's sad losing family, you never get over it really, I agree. There used to be nine of us including parents, now just four siblings. I look at the family photo and can't quite take it in. As you say, we learn to live with it. And this time of year brings back memories. My young brother died on Christmas day.
On a more cheerful note, I can just picture you jumping about on the dancefloor. You must be very young to have liked punk music.

Sorry all. Not writing much tonight. I don’t know how but I’ve hurt my back. I’m sitting with a hot water bottle on it at the moment but it’s painful.
Catch up tomorrow. Hope all are ok x

Sorry couldn't come in yesterday and youve all been so kind and supportive with your words to me so a very heartfelt thankyou.❤️
Got home at half 3 but had to go straight to bed- exhaustion was so bad.
Very restless night again. I dont think Vascular consultant will be there at the procedure. He told DH in phone call that team wanted to make sure blood was flowing away from brain so that's why they wanted extra scan. They'd also sent for the first scan done here 18mths ago to compare. The consultant said DHs was an interesting case - I expect 'the team' might not have come across many SS cases, I dont know. DH has already said he accepted any risk .
I expect the team will be fine-- its just that the Gynaecologist who carried procedure out on myself was far from qualified ( he'd told me afterwards the fibroid removal was only 6th one he'd done-- why he told me that I dont know) Of course he shouldn't have tried removing it anyway but he'd thought it was a polyp( according to the op notes).
Anyway , that's in the past -- though it obvs plays a part in how I see things , as I know many surgeon's have others like Registrars that do the ops too , or help.

I had to go back to bed today. Worried why I feel Ive no energy at all with brain fog. Ive been itching so much for weeks ,even with antihistamines.
Can't stop worrying , I suppose that's not helped.
Scaredycat You're so kind and always have wise words for us all.
HVDY Do hope the eye drops will fix Jaffa's problem. Such a shame about that lost holiday - hope you can arrange another - it will give you both something to look forward to.
Wyllow Glad to hear the RJ will be on offer after all. Also there will be counsellors to help and support. Great you have a good TV . There was a Documentary/Drama on BBC IPlayer about Nazanin Ratcliffe that we've been watching.
Doodle Hope youve been with friends today. There are so many in your hospice that have lost their husband's too . It must help you all to need able to share those feelings you can't talk about with anyone else.
Nadateturbe nice post to Scaredycat - so true. Lovely to see your posts. Glad you managed that art class. Its hard not to get down when we feel like life is passing by and we dont feel fully involved . Im so sorry , I have only a fraction of what you cope with.
EllieAnne Hope you're OK and coping .

Sending love to all and not forgetting those others not personally mentioned.xx

The latter is on U tube as well
www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZfqUM1trVoI

Nadateturbe the documentary BB I watched was ""Discovering the Music of Antiquity"
but I also noticed when googling, this from 2016 in 6 parts
"BBC Howard Goodall's Story of Music". 6 episodes.

That's good Wyllow3 no hurry, just when you're ready.

I was rung up about RJ later this morning, they are coming to see me in a weeks time, two counsellors and as much time as needed before going ahead. I dont want to rush, it needs a lot of thought, but they are clearly very very good.

It is definitely sometimes more easily said than done, the gratitude bit! x

Scaredycat you are so eloquent and understanding about others! And so right. How we deal with what life throws at us is important. And getting to Art class is a big achievement as you said. you understand. I get down a bit sometimes. But I manage to talk myself out of it, with help here and from cheerful times, albeit few, with friends. And remembering how much I have to be grateful for. (Of course this is sometimes easier said than done)
I wonder what you sneaked into the cinema. The food really is outrageously expensive, I don't know how they justify it.
I'm so sorry about your friend. To not be able to have an op and then being too weak for the chemo is so much for her to bear. I do hope she manages to have more treatment. It's very sad for her DH too, and you. You are being a good friend to her, it was lovely that she could get out for a while and just enjoy some chat.
I hope you had a nice chat with DD and GD. It's lovely to have family close.

Good afternoon everyone. I'm reading backwards, I'm sure I'll miss a lot, I haven't chatted for ages, and I can't go back very far. So apologies that I will miss commenting on a lot of posts. (if that makes sense). I have just had my flu jab, and am trying to get the blood stain out of my top!

Wyllow your new televsion sounds great, and just what you need to help. Being able to enlarge the subtitles is very good. I wasn't aware you could do that. The Greek documentaries sound worth a listen. Are they easy to find? We are watching a series from 2018 at the minute. Alice Roberts, Britain's most Historic Towns, which is interesting.
I hope you hear more about the RJ soon. But you sound like you are in a good place at the minute, and more relaxed, having cheerful chats with your gardener and tv guy - he seemed to enjoy it too. You sound very positive.
I didn't notice any errors in your spelling or grammar! . But I'm very conscious of my own. We're perhaps all the same.
The lady I mentioned understands my limitations. But I'm just sad I suppose that I can't enjoy more social contact.. Not just with her, others too, as I can only manage small periods of interaction. I miss the days when a group of us could go to an exhibtion, then in for lunch and maybe wander round some charity shops. I'm sure some think I am just unsociable/unfriendly. You explain, but unless you have had M.E. it's difficult or impossible to totally get it.

ScaredyCat Made a change to go to the cinema (the last thing I saw was "Joker", years ago. Yes, the food and drinks are expensive there. Not my kind of film, either. The holiday I booked was with Love Holidays, whichbI know see has got terrible reviews. I chose it because it was the only one offering East Midlands flights to the area we wanted to go. Waiting for a refund, but will need to contact the bank next Friday if we haven't received it by then.
Wyllow3 Jaffa's got eye drops, twice daily for a week, for Conjunctivitis. He was impeccably behaved at the vet's. My B&M buys were stocking filler gifts...fluffy socks, hair styling products, lip glosses, shower/bath things, and toys for the Grandcats and Granddog . I only went in there for cleaning stuff! How's your day going?

I watched lots, Scardeycatloving the good picture resolution and sound, but fell to sleep in the evening. I am omnivorous as regards soaking up information, so I went to I player documentaries - started with one of how they discovered what early Greek music was like, deciphering early form of musical notation, and woke up later on another historical documentaty. that I have now forgotten.

Repeats clearly won't be a problem 🤣

You are a classic Wounded Healer. We need more in this life pod ours, and I suspect many of us when able are great listeners - as we've needed a good listening to.

nadateturbe is that lady close enough to you to pop round for a 30 min cuppaT? Your problem is of course that it's not easy to "Get new friends" as you have such limited energy. I'm at a stage myself where- post a lot of MH stuff - where I was never able to keep friends so it's still difficult.

I hope Jaffa can be sorted all OK, HVDY. do tell us later what bargains you have got from B and M. (a delightful and cheap vicarious pleasure).

Hoping that other BD's we havent heard from in a while will pop in.

Hi all
Wyllow- what a lovely post from you.It really is the mundane things to do which are now becoming possible for you again that are the stuff of life. Like the chat with the tele man - those chats brighten the dullest of days. You are seizing the day and I couldn’t feel happier for you. It’s not always a bed of roses for you but you seem to have a much better coping mechanism in your thought processes. What did you watch on your new tele?
HVDY- yes life is more than hard for my friend and her DH is terribly ill too.
Purple or black believer sound lovely. They will both suit your colouring. Nice to have a choice of outfits.
Yesterday was a nice one thank you. We went to see the 2nd part of the Wicked film. I loved it but DH was a bit bored - not his cup of tea at all but we had free tickets so I didn’t feel guilty. We smuggled in food as it was 12.30 showing. Food at cinemas is extortionately expensive. We felt like naughty school kids😀
I,m so sorry your holiday plans have gone awry- what about Tui?
You are right we don’t ever get over the loss of loved ones but try and live our best life for them. I,m so sorry you have lost 2 brothers.
Hope the vet takes good care of Jaffa.
Doodle- yes my friend is having chemo but as I said sometimes her immune system is too low to cope with it.
So many sad people in the world. To be totally alone is terrible but if people still have family they will need love too. It really is how you deal with what life throws at you. Although of course some things can’t be dealt with ever.
Nadateturbe- glad you were able to get out and meet your Art friends for a chat. Something others take for granted is such a wonderful thing for you. Hope youve had the flu j. By now and your arm isn’t too sore.
SweetPeaSue- thinking of you and hoping yesterday went as well as possible.

Love to all mentioned and absent friendsxx

Wyllow3 I don't think so, but the holiday was booked with Love Holidays, which uses Jet2. I looked on the Love Holidays website, and that particular holiday isn't even on there any more. We've got Prime, and also something called Plex, which is handy.
nadateturbe Hope you have a better day today.

I'm not going to the day centre today. Taking Jaffa to the vet. He's got what I think is an eye infection. After that, I want to look in the new, big B&M 2 miles away. Hope ALL BDers manage to have a decent day x

Good evening everyone. Well, I get my flu jab early tomorrow. The plan is to come home and spend some time on posting here.
I got out for an hours chat with art friends today. Big achievement. One lady really loves my company. I feel sad I can't spend more time with her. But as Scaredycat said, we must try to be thankful for every moment enjoyed, take one day at a time.
Wise words indeed.
Wishing everyone a peaceful night xx

I hope yo manage to find an alternative holiday that suits, HVDY. Is Jet2 the only alternative for Croatia? I'm sorry hearing aids don't help with your tinnitus.
I can always find something to watch, I've got Netflix and Prime and U tube (with a subscription which does away with leaky all adverts....I like documentaries, reality stuff, feel good films, and more. Tonight I dropped off to sleep again!.

The last years on and off have not been so great with Ex and all and depressions since 2002 so I feel I've a lot of living to do mostly Doodle. One thing for sure, there are a lot of things we just cannot control.

Doodle I don't think it's ever possible to get over the death of a loved one, but it's a case of having to learn to live without the person. I've only lost my parents (we all have that), and 2 brothers. One died almost 50 years ago (6th Dec), which is hard to believe. I still can't bear to hear the Queen song that he bought that day. This time of year is poignant, isn't it.

Doodle We could stay at a hotel (no Premier Inn or Travel Lodge nearby), and we'd need car parking for a week - both extra costs we hadn't had to consider, as Son2 offered to drive us to the airport for the afternoon flight we'd booked. I'll have to have a proper think.

Wyllow will you have your new TV wall mounted? Good idea about the subtitles. I use subtitles a lot especially watching some foreign films if I can’t understand the accents.
Glad you are pleased with your purchase.
HVDY sorry your holiday plans have been thwarted. Could you possibly spend the night before at a local travel lodge or something so you could catch the early flight. Hope you can work something out,
Scaredycat I’m sorry about your friends tumour. Is she having any treatment? You are so amazing after all you’ve been through to say “be glad for each day” that’s a good motto to live by. I don’t always think like that but I should.
Sweetpeasue I hope you have more positive news soon. It sounds like the consultant is fully aware of your DH’s condition. Believe me they don’t often phone people personally so that’s good news. Hopefully your Dh will have a date soon.
Been to church and the hospice today. Met 3 people who were sad, one lost her husband 6 years ago, one 15 years ago and one 34 years ago. Just goes to show you never get over the loss.

LaCrepescule at some point we will all die and none of us knows when that might be. I was terrified of my husband dying because I would be without him. I don’t worry about my own death now because I want to be with him. That said I think most of us would worry about certain illnesses. It’s good you’ve stopped the drinking if it was brining you down.
Do you have a particular health problem that’s worrying you?
Have you spoken to a doctor about how you feel perhaps they can do something to help you.
Never be afraid to say how you feel here. No judgement. No hierarchy of pain or distress. We are all equal.
Pleased you had such a nice time with your daughter.

ScaredyCat Very wise words there, to LaCrepescule, which applies to us all, really. So sad about your friend with all her health problems. Your other friend with Alzheimer's is going through the aggressive stage (my SIL was like that for a year or 2). It makes life hard for the spouse and family. I'll wear the shoes either with the black velvet trousers I bought, with a new blouse, or with the purple velvet dress I've bought. (or both, on separate occasions). Hope you've had a good day.

Wyllow3 Your new tv sounds great. We just need some good programmes! I had the misfortune of seeing Deal or No Deal earlier - I thought it a completely absurd and pointless programme. I haven't got hearing aids, and hen I had a test at SpecSavers, they said my hearing was normal for someone of my age, and that hearing aids wouldn't help with the Tinnitus.

I'm quite disappointed today - after booking a holiday (next May), Jet2 have emailed saying they're no longer doing flights at the time we'd booked and so have cancelled that, will refund us. Now - all flights with Jet2 to Croatia are at 7 or 7.30am, which we didn't want to do (getting to the airport for 5ish would mean leaving home at 3.30am). Not sure what to do now. Hope everyone's day has been ok - thinking of SweetpeaSue and her husband, especially. x

As ever, a wise kind post Scaredycat. You dear friend is facing the future with courage. -it must hurt you so much tho to know the losses ahead. Knowing what it feels like may help you cope but doesn't ease the pain..

Above all, this, what you said, is key to it all

"We can’t do anything about our mortality so be glad for each day"
Being so disabled in certain MH ways does actually make me appreciate when I can do something I havent been able to do for a long time.

To be able to go into town on my own will be a wonderful moment. To find good company at the gym is magical. To realise I may not be able to do X and Y, but be able to, as I just have, get a friendly reaction with coffee and warmth get the TV fitter to spend 1. 5 hours+ here when he had holed for 20 mins, running late - tells me I can be good with people and get whats needed, and so on. The sun was shining - well, when you have been suicidally depressed, and nothing shone, you notice it.

The new TV is superb - the quality of sound and the visuals have made all the difference. My old TV was 10 years old and I deliberately bought as much as I could afford. I can see the lettering in a scene I'm watching clearly -

its now obvious my vision was not as bad as I had been concerned about the hearing is also clear, and I havent got my hearing aids in either atm.

HVDY - do you have hearing aids? - because mine are tuned to sort of by pass my tinnitus but they are not cheap.

Good charity haul there. I love charity shops, but have had to impose a current police of walking on by 🙄. The temptations are too great....

thinking of you Sweetpeasue as you negotiate the day

- how have other BD's been? Long time no see for some.

Hi all
HVDY- I don’t know if anything can boost my friends immunity - she has other health problems too.
I do hope the blood tests don’t show up anything serious. You have enough to deal with and you do it so uncomplainingly.Glad your SiL was having a good day- when you catch that glimpse of the former person it’s so bitterswee5 isn’t it.My friend who has Alzheimer’s has become quite aggressive- I,m glad your SiL remains more at peace. Sorry your Brother fell over but true to form was his usual awkward self not taking painkillers!
Bargains at the charity shop- will you wear the shoes with your new trousers for the ‘do’.
SweetPeaSue- Hope today goes well for you both and the drive is without any hold ups.
I,m sure the people in The Team are highly skilled people and that the Consultnt will have his hand on the tiller.
Have a rest if you can while it’s being done and try not to have too many what ifs . They have to explain the risks.
Sending much love and we,re all there with you holding your hand.
Nadateturbe- you have fought so hard but you’re right until you,ve explored every avenue you won’t get peace of mind.
Hope your appointment today goes well for you.
Doodle. A lovely sunny day for Church. Such sensible words for SPS . Nobody knows more than you of the worries she is going through.
Take carex
Wyllow- My friends tumor is inoperable as it is too dangerous- it is a very difficult Situation.
Your Gardener sounds wonderful and does so much for her wages. It must look lovely. What a sensible pair her and her husband are. There is a garden centre in our area where all the people who work there have learning disabilities - it’s a joyful place.
Ooh enjoy the new tele- you cannot have too big a tele!!! No guilt- just enjoy it.
Glad about the Restorative Justice- hope soon all will work out well for you.
LaCrepescule- Glad you had a lovely day in London. An adventure for your little dog.
The fears you have can be all consuming- I understand that one particularly well.The trouble is it colours everything and stops the enjoyment of life’s good times. One day at a time- try and enjoy the moment. We can’t do anything about our mortality so be glad for each day. Don’t waste those precious moment and maybe see your GP re your meds.
So glad to have you with us.
Love to all those mentioned and all other friends who post or just read.

Wyllow3 Enjoy your nice big TV. I have the subtitles on all the time. I can't hear most of what is, thanks to this continuous Tinnitus. I felt sorry for my brother as he fell over on Sunday and hurt his chest and arm (no bruising yet), had to be helped up. My sympathy only stretched so far, though, as he said he hadn't taken any painkillers ("don't like taking tablets"). I made him take some. We called in at a lovely charity shop near him, and I got a pink organ and 4 small jigsaws for LG, each £5, and a pair of court shoes for myself, for £3! Brand new, black satin-looking, with silver studs on the front. Perfect for Christmas.

I looked it up, HVDY, so hoping for the best outcome possible.
You did well with your brother -brought himself out of himself for a while.

Yes, my gardener is one of those sort of happy sympathetic people who don't aim high....she actually has a science degree but prefers hands on low stress work.. but puts a lot back into the world and enjoys a chat and sharing her own life -she volunteers at a centre for people with learning disabilities too. Gardening of course. Her DH is an electrician who earns enough so she can afford to do so.

LaCrepescule one thing about coping with depression is that you have to be self centred to a considerable extent. One has to focus on coping with things that others take for granted, like your trip yesterday. this does not mean that we are un caring people.

It's no surprise to me that you could only enjoy your trip to a certain extent - the effort and anxiety involved is bound to cloud it. I cant go to unfamiliar places without help, and I know other BD's are quite homebirds unless they are with someone else.

We often beat ourselves up here - people sometime feel guilty about posting sad posts, or some others feel a lot of self hate or self dislike. It's our conditions.

but by "telling it how it is" here leads to acceptance - we cant make everything alright, but being heard is very powerful.

so, keep talking!

HVDY has wise words for you. probably time for at least a meds review. Have you had any counselling? Even if you have had, no reason not to need more. Do please re visit your GP. As they say on that dreadful ad "you're worth it"

Yes ^I do believe it is partly genetic*. I think its a genetic/circumstances mix and it's in my family too.

Today in the afternoon I get my new big TV, 55", after passing the guilt phase for indulgence.
My meds make my sight a little blurred, I can drive still OK, but the new TV has top resolution and I will ask the person installing it to make the subtitles bigger for when they are needed.