Black Dogs 27

My absence yesterday was because I had a real melt down about MrA.
It was really getting to me the lack of support I was getting from my nearest and dearest Quakers and the knowledge that some of them felt sympathy for him, they acknowledge it happened, but feel it cant be that bad

But feeling “it was that bad” is a subjective matter, isnt it? I mean each woman victim in all cases of assult/abuse will experience it differently.

I experienced it as horrific because MrA had actually been my support person through all Ex stuff and indeed when I came back to Quakers

The Quaker Safeguarding people have made the right decision, a ban, but ….for those Quakers who didnt know everything, to put it crudely, I’m the one who “shopped” him.

It’s correct in the Quakerly way, ie “look after the sinner” in effect. But for me, it’s like they don’t care enough to even say, I’m so sorry it must have been awful etc etc as they care for him.

Eventually I had a long talk with one of the servants X, who is an ex -Psychiatrist and has had problems of her own. Everything poured out, and not only that, she told me more about what MrZ had done to her. I thought “how many women haven’t come forward”. She was great. It comforted me quite a lot

We did talk a lot about my desire to have Restorative Justice, where I can confront MrA, let the feelings out, but get some way to understanding his POV, healing for me.

I’m waiting for the police to come back on that one, because originally the specific Abuse Unit in the police had mentioned it as a natural follow on they expected, but then it was withheld by the local police. (Lovely chat with kind policewoman in the unit)

Then later about 9pm I found out that the case on MrA has not been closed: until it is, there are restrictions on how much talk can actually be had.

Unfortunately I suspect that it is being kept open for a year, ie because if he re-offends over that time the current incident will be then prosecuted as well, not just a caution

But I have to let it go in some way, it IS tugging me back into another depressive episode, my self observation is noticing it happening, telling me not to go to Quakers to punish them, to withdraw, to withdraw and hide, but it will only punish me*

*Its hard, because to cope I have gone into "fight/flight mode"

Neither is easy, but mentally Fight is better than Flight, as that is what I have done in the past, but being stuck in Fight damages relationships with others and not able to relax at all*

nadateturbe I probably usually eat bread once every few weeks. I also Googled "carbohydrate cravings" and think it's because I've been having 700-1000 calories a day, mainly in the way of shakes (skimmed milk or water), but I really want to keep losing a few pounds each week, if I can. I won't let myself become ill - I could live off my fat alone for ages!

SweetpeaSue Luckily, they're all good kids. The girls are 11, 14 and 15, so will entertain LG. It'll only be for a matter of hours (then we'll have LG and her sister for a few hours on Sunday). Nice that you saw your son and DIL, and had your grandson for a while. Is he a good eater? Hope the car can be fixed. It's an expensive business, having a car. Hope you and your husband have a good sleep.

A school friend (on FB) rang me earlier, for 90 minutes. I'm going to bed soon. Jaffa has just livened up, after a day of being indoors, so he'll be running up and down the stairs for a while . "See" you all tomorrow x

Hope car gets fixed Sweetpeasue. I'm sure you're tired, you've had a busy day. Wishing a good night's sleep for you both.

Hello to EllieAnne Candy and any others reading.
Hope you all have a peaceful night.xx

Sorry Scaredycat meant to be pleasant.

Scaredycat So glad youve had your eye surgery finished with. Doesn't sound ple😯
EllieAnne* Hope youve been OK. Thinking the weather is much colder now.
Doodle You must have learnt so much at Art classes. Such a lovely neighbour and must be good to know shes near.
HVDY Oh youve got your work cut out with all that childminding. Hope the meal out goes well with them all. Its almost like The Waltons!
NadateturbeWe're OK thanks. I dont do Facetime with my son or DGD either. I felt bad asking really- trying to constrict time out for it- they're all so busy and I would hate not having a regular time.

So very tired, can't write much tonight. Saw son and his wife today. Had DGS for tea from school. DH still extremely tired. His car in local garage to see if they can get second hand ABS fitted.

Hope all have a peaceful night.x

Hope you and DH have been ok Sweetpeasue.x

HVDY Tuna is one of my favourite lunches. I buy the little tubs.
Just googled and apparently there are lots of reasons for craving carbs. So hopefully it'll pass. Perhaps it's because you were ill recently. I've got used to less. I only eat one slice of bread a day at lunch time. And very little carbs with dinner. You get used to it. But you're doing well to lose over four pounds a week.

Doodle art is a lovely way to relax. You don't notice time passing. I'm not great at it but I enjoy it. I use acrylics, its easier to change things. If you like drawing there are lots of helpful sites like Graphic Flow on Facebook.

Goodness Wyllow3 you achieved such a lot with your cleaner/friend. It clears the mind to get things sorted.
I think it's lovely the lady felt able to ask you to teach her. I hope it went well.

Wyllow3 You and your cleaner friend got quite a few things sorted out. Hope the yoga with your new friend went well. Not sure what SGS will do for his birthday (15 next Tues), but he's at his ad's this weekend (he lives about 80 miles away but comes here to pick him up and take him back with him, fortnightly).

ScaredyCat Glad you got the cataract done, all over and done with now. You'll notice a difference in your eyesight. It's good that your husband is looking after you. Had a good old chat with my friend, gave her a birthday card (Sunday) and a gardening voucher. Jaffa's had freshly-cooked chicken for tea.

nadateturbe Thanks. I rarely eat bread, but have been craving carbohydrates lately, so had a wholemeal tuna sandwich for lunch, which was good. How's your husband now? And you?

Doodle Your art class sounds very interesting. My dad used to paint some lovely things and especially enjoyed using watercolours.

Candy, SweetpeaSue, EllieAnne and others - hope you're ok.

We're looking after LG tomorrow, 5ish until about 9, as the parents are going to a jazz club. Son1 asked me earlier if we'd look after his 2 girls as he and that DIL are going out - to the same jazz club (a coincidence that it's the same as Son2 and DIL). LG's sister will be here, too. I've been working out the logistics of DH and I taking all 4 girls for a pub meal.... . It'll be fine.

Scaredycat I do lots of puzzles, like Quordle, Blossom, wordle, I love puzzles, but not games.
It's very sad about your friends dementia being so advanced, but a blessing in a way that she doesn't realise.
My DD and DS don't facetime. They feel awkward I think. So do I for some reason. . We've tried but never really got a handle on it. I wish we could. It's lovely that you can chat with your sister for so long. It lessens the sadness of being apart.

Sweetpeasue I’m hopeless at art and drawing too, the group at art class are so kind and helpful and have become good friends. I’m glad I joined. Nice to hear your Dh has been painting. A little light relief will do him good.
HVDY I stopped reading the papers ages ago. Like you I found it was really bringing me down. You and your husband do a lot for your children and their families. It’s good you get on so well.
Nadateturbe don’t worry about writing a lot. It’s just nice to hear from you. Art is various things. We’re doing acrylics this ween and next. Watercolour the week before,
Scaredycat so pleased you’re home having had surgery. You can relax now .
Yes my friend/neighbour and I meet up most days. We went to lunch together today. Her eyesight is much improved with the surgery.
Art varies from week to week. We change mediums throughout the term. This week as a snow scene in acrylics.
Nice of your Dh to make your tea. Lovely to be cared for.
Wyllow nice of you to teach that lady. Hope you can understand each other ok. You will be extra tired after the emotional upheaval you have been through recently. Hope you can have a more relaxing weekend.
Ellie Anne and Candy hope you’re both ok.

HVDY well done on your weight loss. That's a big drop! Do you give yourself a little treat sometimes. I'm very careful but once a week I have pizza.
Scaredycat It's over, it's done! 😊 So pleased for you. It sounds like a good result. Yes, we are very lucky. I'm a member of Sightsavers and so many people are blind or going blind in poorer countries from lack of treatment.
Your son is right, we could all do with less news. Years ago we had no social media, and knew less of what was happening. Not always good of course, but better in some ways.

Hi all

Yes it’s all done - thank goodness. Don’t know if it’s my overactive imagination but it felt worse having it done this time. It didn’t hurt but I felt very aware of all the surgeons movements. Last time I wasn’t. It’s wonderful to have something done like that- can’t take it for granted. So far my sight is so much better and I would urge anyone who needs it to get it done. Not looking at the wrinkles😩
Having a rest today after the shopathon followed by surgery.
Furry boys in cuddly mood.

SweetPeaSue- my friends dementia seems to have escalated very quickly. She was the most beautiful person inside and out but can be quite stroppy and awkward now. But we love her and grateful she doesn’t realise she isn’t home. So glad your DH felt like painting- you must have been happy to see him doing something he loves despite the physical limitations. Yes I think lots of meds have dizziness as a side effect . I,m like that sometimes.
As Doodle says - make the most of the companiable times and do things you both enjoy. Coffees out ,sitting by the sea etc. Not exciting but they are the stuff of life and love.
Doodle- Glad your friend has had successful eye surgery. It really is wonderful - like getting new eyes!!
What are you doing at Art this term? I wish I felt like doing some but I do love my photography - it’s my art now I think.must have been a lovely tea at Church. I expect there are some talented bakers in the congregation!! Hope you had a pleasant coffee morning. I hope your nice friend/neighbour is well and you still go out together.
HVDY- It’s much easier to buy little children presents than teenagers isn’t it. Our GC/ GGC range from 39 to 2 so it’s a right mix of stuff.
You mention the newspapers causing you anxiety. My lovely Son who lives abroad never looks at newspapers and has felt much happier since he stopped. Of course he knows what’s going on but his MH is so much better without the constant doom.
Hope you had a nice time with your friend at the garden centre. They are full of temptation at Xmas aren’t they. Our little Yuki is an eating machine too. As Jaffa was a stray maybe he just remembers the hungry years and still can’t quite believe his luck.
Nadateturbe- that was a lovely long post. It’s not so easy for you to get shopping I imagine. Are you another Internet surfer?
I,m sure you get bored at times it’s only natural. Do you ever play online games?
A chat with your Son must make you as happy as I feel when mine calls. Does your son ever FaceTime? At weekends my Sister and I FaceTime for an hour and a half!!! She lives a long way away and we only see her once a year. But FaceTime brings her so close- it’s lovely.
Hope your DH is feeling better.
EllieAnne- hope you’re doing OK and that the weekend isn’t too stressful for you.
Wyllow- it was so nice to get home after the Op. I got covered in cats and DH made my tea. Simple times but they are the best.
I expect from your artistic talents you also make beautiful photographic images. It’s fun isn’t it.
Your cleaning day sounded fun and got lots done at the same time. Play it by ear on Sunday- normal Wyllowness will resume naturally.
It,ll be lovely to get to know the Kashmiri lady - another nice friend in the making?
I hope that lovely feeling of peace has stayed around you today.
Have a good weekend.

Love to all - present and those we miss.

Well *Scaredycat...it will be over now, are you safe home and comfy?

I was so tired today. I enjoyed playing about with images in my photos software (its "Photos" om my apple lap top.

With a few for family c mas pressies, a couple of very special cards, and a fundraising do before c mas coming up.

I was too tried to dress, so the first thing N did was go get money, then we set too and got a long way - moved a desk, put a heavy pic up, got batteries in twinkly lights, she did wonders on my chaotic sock drawer, we sorted the kitchen and new shelf out, etc.

Then I went to sleep and been pottering since then.

Some preoccupations ?? about whom I can talk about it with whom reveal what, or not etc, make things even resemble normal at Sunday MfW, so I've written to the Safeguarding Officer. I'm aware of how much I have fallen behind on most things resembling normal Wyllow-ness!

Except...at my lovely gym and the local Costa, tomorrow I'm due to share/teach some yoga to a youngish women from Kashmir in the afternoon with not a lot of English, she asked me, but its not really necessary when you get on and so much is physical.

Good shopping there, HVDY. How will his birthday be celebrated?

I had to give Radio3 unwind a few times nadateturbe as different presenters do it differently but at night it's good as understands people might be awake in need of comfort.

thinking of absent BD's, may you be as well as you can xx

nadateturbe I'm doing the Slimfast diet. 18lbs off now in less than 4 weeks (a very long way to go yet). The one thing I'm good at is yapping , although I do listen as well x

HVDY I look at BBC headlines on my phone each morning. That's enough. It's too depressing.

Scaredycat what a lovely post to everyone. And taking time to do it before you leave for your op. I hope you're home and taking it easy, and it wasn't too traumatic. You did a lot of shopping yesterday. And home to do more! But it's good to get it done early and no last minute panicking.

Wyllow3 I missed that about your friends. What a nice coincidence indeed. It would be lovely to meet up with her.
I too think sometimes about acceptance of needing care. Not a pleasant thought.

HVDY you've done well with present purchases too. I'm giving lots of pj's and gift vouchers.
I didn't realise you hadn't been eating well. I'm sure you enjoyed your beef stew.

You all seem to be getting on with Christmas shopping. I have done nothing, although I have a box with some things I've bought during the year when I spot a bargain.
Sweetpeasue We do care very much for each other, but honestly I do get very bored and fed up sometimes with not seeing others. But yes my bedroom is very cosy as I spend a lot of time there. I have my bookcase, tv, art things.
Your aunt sounds like her dementia is quite advanced. I'm glad she has other family to look after her, but it's sad for you too because you're very fond of her and obviously want to do what you can.
Good advice from Doodle about relaxing with DH which you seem to be doing. And it's nice you got out together for a coffee.
The book sounds interesting enough but not everyones taste. It's almost impossible to suit everyone but it's fun discussing the books and having a chat. Do you have a tea break?
Doodle you've had a lovely day. What are you working on at art? Enjoy tomorrow morning with your friend.
Wyllow3 glad you felt peaceful this morning. I hope you haven't been too busy today.
Hope your day has been good EllieAnne

I feel bad that my posts are always so brief. You all write such looong posts! I can't answer everything as I would like to, I just haven't the energy.

I must finish now, my son just rang and I'm so tired after the chat. (27 minutes HVDY . How do you chat for hours?)

Hoping you all have a peaceful night.xx

SweetpeaSue I tend to buy gifts for each couple - a meal out or a gift experience thing, plus a bottle of something for each of the adults. Trying to get things for the 3 teenagers in the family is difficult.

Doodle I'm OK, thanks, but I need to stop reading the newspapers. It's all making me anxious and depressed. Your day sounds very pleasant. Nice that you're seeing your friend tomorrow. I'm seeing my friend, too, to give her a birthday card and gardening voucher. I expect we'll have a snack somewhere.

SweetpeaSue Your husband's dizziness might be to do with his medication. I hope it goes soon. Dizziness is horrible.

DH was at Son1's earlier, fixing the steering on DIL's car (he's a good egg). Greedy Guts Jaffa has been insatiable again . Hope everyone has a restful night x

Doodle I understand- it can be very wearying to constantly be worrying and not be able to do much to help DH'' s symptoms. We went out to a little cafe this morning then back home DH did a little painting and I knitting. DH more dizzy and unbalanced today . Not sure if its the tablets heart nurse doubled but its a sign of the SS also anyway.
Hope you're still enjoying your art and getting used to the techniques. Im pretty awful at drawing and things like that.Will be nice to have your friends visit to look forward to tomorrow.
Oh I meant to say about how much the memory tree at the hospice must help. I dont think there was one at the hospice where my mum died ,though it was 25 yrs ago. Hope you sleep well.x

Sweetpeasue you’re very kind. I’m glad you went to book club. You need to get out and have something else to think about for a while.
Hope your Dh has had a reasonable day. Relax as much as you can and spend time together enjoying quiet things.
I’ve been to art today then to afternoon tea at church. Are too much so didn’t have dinner tonight. Friend coming for coffee in the morning.

Thanks HVDY. I’ve been very lucky to make several new good friends. people have been very kind.
Ooh I love a good stew. Are you feeling any better in yourself?
Scaredycat I hope your cataract op went well. My friend has just had her second one done, she is very pleased, hope you are equally pleased with the result,
Thanks for your kind words.
Wyllow. What a relief. You don’t have to worry about bumping into Mr A again and everyone will know he is in the wrong. Hope things settle down now for you at Quakers and you can enjoy the gym and your other activities too.
nadateturbe I’m sorry your Dh gets these flu bouts. Must be difficult for you to care for him and yourself when you are so tired, So nice you have contact with your family often on Facebook or WhatsApp

Wyllow Its good youve had a more peaceful day today. You need to take time to just do whatever you want after all the work trying to get justice.
Glad Mr A has got somewhere else other than Quakers in the end.
My aunt has been refusing more help. Her DD can get someone in to help with meals ect but they rang my aunt and she said she didnt need any help. She's often telling me 'people think because Im 91 I can't do things' and doesn't realise she isn't capable of using oven ect.
Hope youve had a pleasant natter to your cleaner friend while she was there sorting things.
DoodleEllieAnne How have you both been today?

Scaredycat Your poor friend's dementia must be at a later stage than my aunt's,I think. She hadn't remembered ,later the same day , that shed had the paramedics out. She has little notices stuck all round the house to remind her of how to use so many things and yes, I am fond of her. Used to stay with my cousins for a few dys in the Summer school hols. Her Granddaughters are good and my cousin- she has carers in to give her meds so I really dont do too much .
Your words about my DH 's situation are so reassuring to me - I do try though there are some things that I darent do about the bad care he's had. My DH has painted a little the last few dys- its just the headaches he gets and the arm pain that stops him.
Oh I do hope you're OK with the cataract procedure. Hopefully afterwards even if the wrinkles look deeper your walks will be brighter!

HVDY You are so good at getting together presents for everyone. It usually takes me ages and I dont find it fun at all these days. I think there will be a lot of gift cards going around this year.
Oh I like the sound of that day centre meal. Traditional simple food.
Im afraid I'd never actually make suggestions for aunt as it doesn't feel my place. Its over a year since I saw my cousin , we're not close but she's a lovely person. My DH has gone downhill indeed . It seems to be accepted now by Drs but they dont know , or want to know, the half of it.
Nadateturbe Its so good to see your posts though we do understand when you're not able. I too didnt realise your DH has this flu like illness left from having Covid and it strikes so often. That must be difficult for both of you. I some ways it can make you closer can't it if each is looking after the other. I imagine your room to be very cosy with jigsaws and , as Scaredycat mentioned , your lovely picture of those hills.
We're reading Rogue Herries by Hugh Walpole and Im not keen at all.
I remember now about your brother , your loss is quite recent, Im so sorry.Glad he passed in his own home but it can't have been easy for everyone.

Back later.