Black Dogs 27

SweetpeaSue I remember those jobs your husband used to do. He was always doing something at home or in the garden. He really has gone downhill a lot, hasn't he? Poor man. It's utterly disgusting that he still hasn't been treated. Would it be possible for your aunt to go into a care home for a week or two, for respite, to see how it goes?

Wyllow3 I'm glad you'll be able to go to your Quakers meetings without the worry of Mr A turning up there. Hope you had a nice chat with your friendly cleaning lady.

Doodle I'm glad you've got good friends, particularly the ones who know what it is to lose a beloved husband. You've done so well to create a new life for yourself.

ScaredyCat Hope everything went well with having your eye done. Take it easy for a while.

Nadateturbe I hope your husband is feeling better. It's good that you're posting at the moment. Hope today has been a good day for you. I bought a jumper and shirt for Son1, pyjamas for Son2, both DILs and the GDs. Not done anything else yet. Got SGS's birthday present for this Sunday.

How has everyone been today? I had beef stew, mash and veg, at day centre (first proper food since Saturday evening). It was lovely. x

Hi all
SweetPeaSue- you must feel very concerned about your Aunt. It does sound like she has good GDs who are on the case too. You have a lot to deal with so it’s good they can lighten your load a bit. You are very fond of her too I think . I don’t know how bad her dementia is but on the care home subject. My dear friend who is now in a care home has no idea she is in one. So much so that she said to her brother that she wouldn’t like to be in one !! She thinks she’s still in her appartment. Perhaps your Aunt is not so confused as that.
Glad you got to the Book Club- you need some distraction and something that you enjoy for yourself. I expect DH is at the back of your mind while there though..
I do remember how active your DH was last year and managing some Art work as well. It’s a disgrace how he has been treated. You couldn’t do more if you tried.xx
Doodle- I,m glad you have found a group of friends that you can “talk” to who feel and understand as you do. Yes you,ll always be sad- how could you not be. Life has changed immeasurably. You have made a wonderful effort to live this new life of yours and have much to live for. DH will always be with you in your heart.
Yes our new family members are fluffy,fur machines. It’s not spiky though and sort of floats about in drifts. A small price to pay for a furry cuddle.
The memory tree at your hospice sounds such a touching idea.
Our Woodland Trust has many trees planted by families to remember their loved ones and all have plaques of remembrance. It’s lovely as they don’t deteriorate like a bench.
HVDY- that hairdresser sounds like a find. Your hair must be lovely. LG has pretty hair too like her Nanna.
Your Jaffa sounds such a character- he deserves the spoiling. How can you ignore their lovely pleading eyes.
Yesterday we went to a big shopping centre and shopped til we dropped! But at least got lots of pressies done. Then came home and did Internet shopping like you. I was knackered so DH cooked tea.
It’s great your DH and your boys have times out together. So good for them and him.
EllieAnne- That’s how much we feed our boys. The little one is a speed eater but big boy takes flipping ages to eat his food.
What an interesting little fella your DGS must be. You better brush up on your planets! He sounds as if he’d like museum visits.
HVDY and Wyllow have sound advice for you- please look
after yourself.
Wyllow- wow that was a coincidence to discover at your lunch. What a small world it is sometimes.It,d be lovely to meet up at Xmas if possible.
The relief for you must have been enormous. To be vindicated and know that how you acted was exactly the right thing to do . As for the guilt you felt - it just shows how you have dealt fairly and generously with it all. As you say forget the person who let you down and get on with enjoying the things you love to do and people who you feel comfortable with.
To wake peacefully is a precious gift- enjoy your time with your lovely cleaning friend.
Nadateturbe- What a lovely family. So glad you have constant contact with them one way or another. Family are more important than anyone.
Wonderful that you got to Art- that must make such a difference to you. Worth feeling tired the next day I bet.
I imagine you lying in bed and looking at the lovely hills that you did a painting of. I hope so.
Covid has a lot to answer for with the myriad problems it has left people with. So sorry it creeps up on your DH sometimes.
It’s so nice having you posting at the moment xx
Candy- hope the move is going OK and not too stressful.

Well I,d better start getting ready to go to the clinic and get my 2nd cataract sorted. I feel more scared this time cos I know what it entails. But the result from the first eye was so good that s what I,m thinking of. Hope the rest of the afternoon passes pleasantly for allxxxxxx

Got it! Thanks

Wyllow3 you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. MrA needs to be held to account and I can understand you not wanting him at meetings.
Still trying to get Unwind. Alexa 'can't help'.
Thinking of you today Scaredycat. Hope op goes well, as I'm sure it will. 😊

(I think the problem of wanting to stay home/stay put must get so much more complicated with dementia, and also simple money issues.

If you can pay for 24/7 care in your loved ones home, or they can, or the family carers aren't working and don't have other caring responsibilities, then its possible.

But you wouldn't get funding help for that... (its discussed so much and often helpfully on other threads in GN.)

Hello nadateturbe, I didn't know about your DH's situation, always good to have a whole picture.

Woke peaceful, just totally done in, nothing in the calendar except my cleaner/friend coming this afternoon, some bits and bobs sorting and hefting around. She's a very fit 40 something.

Oh Sweetpeasue your poor dear husband. How I wish I had a magic wand. Its so wrong that he is still not being helped properly. And he has tried so hard to just keep going. How is he today?
I'm glad you got to the book group. What are you reading?
It's a difficult situation with your aunt. My brother who died recently refused to leave his bungalow. He wanted to stay in his own home with everything familiar. We're all glad he passed away peacefully there, but it was so difficult for his two daughters to manage even with carers.

HVDY I suppose your hairdresser was very curious about your previous hairdresser. She probably won't talk about him next time. But it's good that you were pleased with her work. I really must try to find someone close.
DH is ok today but of course as you guessed I had to do too much, and I'm in bed, had to cancel flu jab again! He gets this flu-type thing regularly and it usually lasts 2 days. Since covid, we think.
I can believe Jaffa is spoilt, I would expect nothing less 😃.
Mammary sounds like a lovely name. I too love the toddler stage. Children are adorable.
Did you find anything nice to buy?

Well it's great you got there, I'm so glad. what sort of stuff do you do? BTW, have you tired th new BBC radio channel, BBC3 Unwind - it varies, but I love it, and they say nice be kind to yourself stuff too.

BTW all

MrA cannot go to another Quaker meeting, he is banned atm from all,

allowing him to go to another meeting would be saying, "well what you did was a bit bad, but you can come here?

So IF he does want to go to another meeting he will go through a process and the meeting obvs need to agree, I dont exactly know the process he would have to go through to the other local meeting, , but presumably it would be educative in some way?.

He has apparently been going to the church where he was the minster, just down the road from him, which his wife was still going to before she died, and he presumably is liked and respected there.

He wont be without a place to worship, and who knows, may decide to stay with that? The police left it up to Quakers to decide? I cant work out the morality tbh of who should be told and I'm glad I dont have to.

BTW...yup, I started feeling guilty abut him being punished..so rung sis and we agreed it was understandable as he isnt all bad or anything

but I had suggested Restorative Justice which was turned down after legal advice and counselling so its not like I was just out for revenge or something as I never was.

Back tomorrow, sorry I couldn't reply to everyone today. I got to art, so a bit tired.
Love to all, hope you have a peaceful night.xx

Wyllow3 just noticed your last post. When I'm stuck in bed, I usually can't concentrate well, brain fog, so I can't watch anything on tv like a documentary, it has to be something like Tipping Point (which I love anyway) Or relaxing classical music, a light novel on Kindle, or jigsaw on a board which is very relaxing. Sometimes I have to just lie in silence.

Wyllow3 yes, it's great being able to see people for short spells.
I'm glad Tuesday was better. You are coping very well and being positive. Counselling I think is very much needed for Mr A.
Your gym sessions sound so energetic. Exercise is good physically and mentally. I'm sure it benefits you.
I like the idea of making presents. I don't buy nephews and nieces, far too many. I think all young people prefer money. I usually buy a small present and enclose money or gift tokens.
I hope you had a nice lunch and pleasant chatwith your friend today.

Wyllow About my aunt , because of the dementia she cannot envisage being in another home- it is extremely frightening to her, as she is and needing familiarity of what she knows. It wont be easy for her daughter to go against her and I think that's why she wanted her mum to end her days where she wanted. Thing is my aunt keeps saying 'I have no neighbours now' so she is lonely. Her other 'neighbour' , in the only 2 houses in the field, was actually her sister and her DH who died about 18mths ago. That house is now empty . They are old propertys and they are falling apart ( owned by castle estate).

It seems incredible that Mr A could be allowed back into your meetings. If he is going to the other Quaker meeting then there is no reason for him to join your own. Glad you have been reassured that it wont be happening because of Safeguarding Quaker rules.
Im so glad you have that Gym to go to and friends to chat with.

Doodle Yes, it gave me such a boost. We love meeting up. There are usually 3 aunts, one uncle and up to 6 cousins. We have a huge extended family. And have a Facebook and WhatsApp. and are in touch almost daily.
This time of year is so hard Doodle. Its always going to bring up so many memories of your DH and the Christmases you had together with family. Beautiful memories but it also brings the sadness that he is no longer here to share them. You will always miss him. I pray it gets a little easier for you. I'm glad you have the hospice, it seems such a comforting place and the peaceful lake to sit with your thoughts. The memorial tree is a wonderful idea.

Doodle I'm glad to hear about that group. Yes, the sadness cannot go after such a lifelong love as you had. It's a sort of tenderness to yourself to feel as you do, not fight it just becuase others feel you should or something.

You are right about Sweetpeasue's aunt. I do so hope she will want to go somewhere where there is company and safety, *Sweetpeasue

Is it Fierce Independence I ask myself, or a difficulty knowing that in some way, no getting away from it, it is a "Beginning of the end"

Will we all have the grace to accept that for ourselves? I think I will, I've thought about it a lot. I have had to be looked after due to mental health for so long, I hope it makes it easier: I think what will matter is "where", and good caring. I hope I turn out to be grateful and not a grumbler!

Yes, I remember,, Sweetpeasue He was drawing/painting too iirc. I so hope one day soon he can do a little more again x

nadateturbe, when you are stuck in bed, can you concentrate on any reading or TV or such like at all? How do you pass the time? I'm imagining that music plays a big part, but most of all that you have a nice view from your room.

LG is at such a lovely age, HVDY. And a happy soul. May that long remain, and with the care she has around her, it's very likely. You sound a whiz at make up.

Well, lunch went very well because mostly we chatted about other things: and ..just listen to this...her daughter is married to my best friend at art college's son! She lives in Skye now we weren't that close to keep up, but we may be able to meet at Christmas time when she comes down!

But at the end of lunch L said she didn't think the Servants group of the meeting tonight would be able to come to any conclusion about keeping MrA away. that threw me back into anger and panic mode.

BUT - when I got home, I found an email from the Safeguarding Officer. She had consulted 38:8 the Christian organisation that Quakers pay into to deliver good safeguarding (both counselling, but also legal advice.

Read this..thank goodness, it is crystal clear and far better than I could have hoped for, they really really do take it seriously. I do know that there are a couple of people in my meeting who wont find this easy due to previous fondness

but advice is he is banned from the meeting indefinitely and only allowed back once/if I feel able to cope and even then measures have to be put into place: and for him to even attend another meeting there would have to be special measures

What a relief,what a relief, not just because I dont have to worry about him coming, but the indication to all that what he has done IS "beyond the pale" as indeed it should be!

I cant say right now that I feel terribly friendly towards the one Quaker who was supposed to support me and had conversations with "poor contrite MrA" and then passed it onto me but she'll get the message tonight.
She made things a lot, lot worse by her carelessness and under playing of the offence.

Nevertheless, time to pick up other things!!. the gym has been great. It's a happy, nattery place. a bit of a hoot in the sauna..

....two much younger women were discussing life and boyfriends loudly the snags thereof and the three men sitting around were somewhat...... quiet.

(I've heard enough of certain young men, in the past, talking about women in an offensive way: so it was actually a very funny moment: they weren't being offensive about men, just upfront women's stuff out loud!)


"

Doodle I hear the yearning in your voice as you posted those words about being without your husband. I understand how you dont want to stop missing him. Not the same, I know, but I felt that about losing my mum. Losing your own DH must be much worse as we are with them all the time and they are part of us and we in them. Sending hugs and love. X

Wyllow hope you have a nice lunch with your friend from Quakers and enjoy a general chat. Good thing to get everything written down and some good suggestions for Mr A and counselling.
Glad you’re enjoying the gym again.
HVDY you’re right, the sadness will never go. Nor do I really want it too. I miss DH so much and never want to stop missing him till we’re together again. I belong to an online bereavement group and we are all between 15 months and 2+ years loss. We support each other but we all feel the same. All still lost and lonely. Outwardly I think we all appear fine.
I love the age when the little ones start to talk. Trying to understand what they’re saying and teaching them new words,
Hope you enjoyed aqua aerobics.
Sweetpeasue your aunt does sound as though she would be better off somewhere where there was 24 hour care in case she has another attack. Very difficult for her daughter if she won’t go.
I hope and pray your Dh gets seen soon.
Scaredycat do your cats moult a lot? Our grandson has two very fluffy dogs. One white one black. Doesn’t matter what you wear you come out covered in fluff.
nadateturbe and Ellie Anne hope you’ve both had a reasonable day

Went to book group today. My cousin( aunt's DD) rang me while there. Thanking us for going the other night but also told me of more happenings today when aunt pressed buzzer and told of chest pain- had paramedics out but they didnt know of fall until her DD got there and told them. My cousin has tried to get aunt into somewhere more appropriate eg sheltered housing but she wont go. My poor cousin is between a rock and a hard place.

When I got back home DH had just slept since I left. He has no energy at all , Im so worried.
And angry that he's been left to deteriorate so much. You will all remember about 16 mth ago he was laying stair carpet and put up a garden shed. He has to take breaths during sentences now.
I honestly believe , know, he has been neglected by the Vascular dept from the beginning. Even the Rheumatologist said he'd Subclavian Steal 18 mths ago when he heard the bruit and sent him for the Doppler ultrasound.

Anyway going to make a meal and relax .Hoping everyone has had a reasonable day. Xx

EllieAnne your GS sounds just like mine. He is so intelligent and knowledgeable. He is older, and has some autism traits. The good news is he is much better at interacting now, so there is hope that your relationship will improve.
Thanks for your kind thoughts about not being close, but it rarely bothers me now. I'm very content (apart from the M.E.!) 😊

Wyllow3 I've always worn make-up (since starting work at 16), even when my skin was perfect - the Rosacea started when I was about 30.

EllieAnne Jaffa never eats the dry food that is available all day (I've tried different types), so he now only has wet stuff. He's not big for a male and weighs almost 5kg now. He's greedy, but only for Sheba, I find.

Aqua aerobics this morning. Not been for a while, so it'll be a change. Hope everyone has a decent day. It's raining here x

Hvdy my cat is quite a big boy and he has 2 pouches a day and dried food always available. He’d probably like more !

I often shop late online in the evening. Sort of a good time. yes, you spoil Jaffa ☺️

You look great in your make up, I've just not needed it like you skin wise, but do take care with nice creams etc.

Wyllow3 Jaffa is a menace, and very spoilt. All my previous cats were spoilt . I always put my full face on when I go out (especially my eyebrows). I'm glad you're enjoying the gym and keeping up with your exercises. The business of Mr A has affected you for some time now. Hopefully, you'll be more settled soon.

DH is out with Son1 this evening, so I've done more internet shopping and browsing. Hope everyone has a restful night x

Nadateturbe I might go back there. She was a pleasant enough woman, although most of the chat was her asking me what my previous hairdresser was like (she knew he'd gone to prison but had never met him). Has your husband been unwell? I hope you haven't done too much today, though.

SweetpeaSue I'm glad your aunt has carers to visit. Some type of sheltered housing might be a good idea, at some stage.

EllieAnne Your grandson sounds very bright for his age. Perhaps you could keep in touch by ringing him or sending little notes/gifts to him.

Doodle I don't suppose that sadness will never really go, as you lost your soul mate of so many years. You have got a lot of happy memories, too. The hospice setting sounds beautiful. I'm pleased with my hair. It's in very good condition. LG doesn't understand Christmas yet as she's only 2 and 5 months. She's just started talking and calls DH Gaga, and me Mammar (a Nottingham term).

nadateturbe its been lovely seeing a bit more of you. I was so very, very glad you had that precious day. It is good that your relatives dont live too far away. Easier to see for relatively short chunks of time.

HVDY, How was the new hairdresser? I do hope you liked them? Jaffa has you running around ☺️ but he’s great company. I assume you sorted out your face…

Thank you for the picture of the boys, Scaredycat they are really gorgeous., and storable, and I hope they like sitting on laps keeping them warm.

Nail on head - what on earth was it like privately for MrA’s wife? One never knows, does one. I shall just recall her, so very kind to me one evening when the police called with a search and arrest warrant when all was going off with Ex.

And how is the shopping going on your huge list? How many pressies? I intend to make things for most of the pressies (pictures, except for DGS of 13 who likes money…but my list is.. a ghastly……6 people. My sibs have a long term agreement not to give each other pressies and not nephews and nieces either. We all give money to charity and stuff and it’s our family way.

Dear Ellie Anne, HVDY’s advice is very good. It truly is you depression talking . Yes, people are gossipy and sometimes may talk of you, but the hurt it causes you, and your desire to back off and have less and less contact with the world, is not good for you, and its being mental health poorly - we are all saying, my dear, go for help xx

BTW, you asked the other day “not sure I’m doing the yoga right”. Well there isnt really a right or wrong, you see, as long as yo keep remembering to breathe deeply and keep upright as you sit and do the exercises. Every body ois different and does it in their own way.

For all yoga - imagine standing as it were between two strong sheets of glass. Back straight, tummy in, bum tucked in, head held high legs straight but not rigid. So a side bend, doesnt involve a twist, right? If you are sitting try to be the same.
Stretch not strain. Stop at pain, just try less hard at the exercise.

Today has been better but mustn’t count my chickens.

I got my act together and sent off a very powerful memo to the Servants of the meeting and Safeguarding indeed, asking for Restorative session (paid for basically by Quakers - not just for me, but for all -

But also suggested he could do with being referred to a counsellor by Safeguarding with an appropriate memo, who deals with such matters - not just to deal with Sexual Attack but also his being a widow and how to cope with losing what he used to be able to do as we all do - but some cope better than others.

(Again, some men don’t take kindly to sexual changes - did he see a “last chance saloon” and attack when he knew it wasn’t on? Well counselling may find out - wild guess.
If he had felt “romantic” as he expressed, he would have been tender, not leaping and grabby and pressing my breasts ? No - stuff going on.

I had to spend till 3pm and a bit more later writing good stuff and recommendations and a summary of “Damage done” - but it should pay off.

So I went to the gym and worked off my anger with strong weights work and yoga stretches- my aim is now to be able to help pick up L, DGD, a bit longer, like my son can.

You’ve all mostly known me when I have been physically inactive and flopping about, but I’ve loved exercise all my life - the endorphins and all - I am very fit for my age.

Tomorrow I’m meeting another Quaker from my MfW for lunch and the aim is not to talk about MrA as she is a Servant of the meeting - unless she brings it up - but we have other interests in common.

nadateturbe its been lovely seeing a bit more of you. I was so very, very glad.

Oh, Doodle - yes, Christmas is now impossible not to notice. What will you do on Christmas Day, and those days around it? Are there things at your lovely church?

Sweetpeasue sending lots of love as I realise almost certainly you aren’t any better today.
Warmest vibes for koko.

think of those who maybe just read, of our "occasionals" May you be as best, as you can. xx