Black Dogs 27

wyllow I’m glad you had a couple of Quakers to support you and offers to meet for coffee. I doubt if the police can endorse a no contact policy in an organisation. That would be for the Quakers themselves to do. Unless Mr A is banned from the premises I don’t understand how no contact could be enforceable. You can’t stop people from talking to one another. I would think that the police could stop him from contacting you though.
I hope the police take action soon.
Please don’t self harm or doing anything silly. You are stronger than that and have come through before. Concentrate on the people who care for you and are on your side. Is he still coming to your meetings?
I am worried that if you feel people are siding with him it will bring you down and make you depressed. People who think he’s a kindly soul will probably still talk to him. It’s a difficult situation for all concerned. Please don’t let this bring you down again.
Sweetpeasue please continue to post here and let us know what’s going on. Of course all you’re thinking about is your Dh and that’s just as it should be. You’re doing all you can to care for him. You’ve both been treated very badly by the NHS and the frustration and fear from not being taken seriously is quite understandable,
You didn’t let him down on the stress test. The doctor and nurse were there . I think the purpose is to make you do as much as you can to test how well your blood is circulating and what pressure it puts in your heart, hopefully the results will tell them what they need to know.
You are doing all you can. There is a limit to how much you can succeed with the NHS but believe me you are doing so well.
What’s next now with the vascular team?
Scaredycat I hope all goes well with your next cataract. My friend has just had both of hers done. She said she never knew she had so many wrinkles or that her house was so dusty. 🤣
How are the two cats settling in?
HVDY did you have a nice firework party with the family?
Hope you’re feeling a bit better.
Ellie Anne have you decided what to do about the shopping trip yet. Hope you have a nice day with your son.

Been busy helping a friend today now very tired. Going to a memorial service with the Welsh Guards at the hospice tomorrow.
Sleep well all

Doodle- Hope you enjoyed your evening out. Sometimes those evenings we don’t fancy turn out to be really good ones. Hope that was the case. Xx

SweetPeaSue - You needed to get that all off your chest . Nobody could try harder than you do to look out for your DH and fight his corner.That cardiologist should feel ashamed of his offhand and cruel treatment of your DH. Bless him he only wanted to do everything asked of him even though it was so distressing for him. Don’t ever feel you let him down . Of course you should come in and unburden yourself if that’s what you want. That’s what we’re here for to listen and care.
Nadateturbe- you are a kind thoughtful lady and your effort to post shows it.
HVDY- Hope you have been OK today.
EllieAnne- did you go shopping with your DS. I do hope so. Maybe you could go to a chair Yoga class.
Wyllow- It must have raised your spirits to hear from those Quakers ladies. An opportunity to spend time with kind friends
Hopefully a PJ day will be just what you need. Rest and eat something nice. Listen to your music and maybe watch a good film.
The police are very busy as you say but will do their best to help you and make sure Mr A is fully aware he is skating on very thin ice.
Been busy today seeing my poorly friend. I took her to see a mutual friend who has just had a hip Op. It was so good to see her enjoying the afternoon. Our furry boys are settling in more every day. They have made our house so cosy.

Love to all

So sorry sweet pea sue. I have no words.
You’ve tried so hard.
Thinking of you Wyllow and hope you get the help you need.
I tried the chair yoga but don’t know if I was doing it right.

Nadateturbe So kind of you to comment - I realise how difficult it is for you. Thankyou for the hugs. The Cardiologist was stood next to the nurse all the time until it was over. I know he was very agitated at being late -- still.
Take care of yourself.xx
HVDY Thanks HVDY.
My mum was very straightforward and strong-willed and hated unfairness. She spoke very freely ( and sometimes loudly 🫣🤭) She could never have stood by like I did. Of course, there were times it didnt seem appropriate but she it was just her nature to be forthright.
I have to really know but I have always believed it was DHs heart but how can you go against someone medically trained.
Anyway , thanks for listening . Good to see your posts. Take care of yourself.

SweetpeaSue You've done everything possible to get help for your husband. Without you, he'd still be waiting for things. The people who are meant to be caring professionals have let you both down. The GP and the Cariology nurse were very wrong in what they said and did. We are supposed to be able to trust those who have authority, but they don't always know od do what is best for patients. I hope the increased dose of your husband's Angina medication will make a difference, whilst he's waiting to have the vascular procedure done. It's all been such a long time. Please take care of yourself, too. xxx

Wyllow3 I hope all this with MrA will soon be sorted out. Have you heard from that nice policeman yet?

SoSweetpeasue So sorry for you. You've done your best. We all think why didn't I. I blame the medical staff for the awful treadmill experience. Sending you big hugs.

Just lost a long message. 😔

Wyllow Its ok. Glad you have heard from the 2 Quaker women and they are offering meet ups and friendly support. You need to know that they care. Hope the nice policeman gets in touch soon.

Feel let down by the Cardiologist thought at least the scans were done showing diffuse plaque in arteries some mild some moderate . As I said, he wanted to send DH for Angiogram to measure blood flow but when realised we weren't going private anymore said GP should refer us to 'local hospital. Thought should get Vascular procedure out of way first. ( Vascular thought should get heart issues sorted first). Anyway waiting now for date for Vascular.
Saw heart nurse today in GP surgery and she raised dose of angina titrate tablet. She'd seen Cardiologist letter and said he'd said it was reassuring he'd had Spirometry test. Yes, we knew he'd said that and it completely wrong. Just shows how wrong info gets into others hands. We told her that his Angina was so bad now , precisely because our GP insisted on ruling out COPD with Spirometry test and we'd waited for 2 appts and they'd refused to do it because DH was so bad. I told her I knew the breathlessness was Angina long ago. She also had the info in his letter about DH just reaching 'second stage' of treadmill test.
This I need to get off my chest as Im finding it very upsetting.

Cardiologist was an hr late and rushed DH into treadmill room without any acknowledgement of time waited. Fair enough, I thought, he's had a busy day.
Nurse had said I could go in with him so I sat in chair behind treadmill.
Pace he started on was much faster than he's walked in yrs . He was encouraged to take bigger steps ( he's hasn't took larger steps for a while since hip replacement) He was struggling from set go . He was getting out of breath and I thought after a couple of mins they'd stop.
Im not being soft about this - and I knew they were watching the machine he was wired up to. I'd told the nurse beforehand that DH has had v low heartbeat - low 50s as though that might be important.
Then they increased speed, even though he was really struggling and panting. He was leaning on the bars either side. I knew that would exacerbate his arm pain terribly. He was gasping- I thought surely they must know what they're doing. The nurse was whispering to the Consultant. DH said something to effect of Oh this is difficult, between panting.
All of a sudden , he could hardly get words out he said I can't and they stopped it and he fell forward over front of treadmill gasping before he could stand up.
Nurse came round to side of treadmill and he could just about stand leaning on her and then on to bed.
He told me as he fell forward everything was going dark.
He lay on the bed gasping for ages. Later he told me he nearly blacked out.

Its made me question myself as to why I didnt say something like ' he's had enough? Of course DH should have said that earlier and Ive asked him why. He said I just wanted to follow the Cardiologist instructions .

He definitely was pushed far too much and Im angry and upset about it. Its made me question how much we adhere to authorities and how I feel I can't speak up when I really want to.
How much might things have been different if I'd spoken up more loudly and assertively from DHs first symptoms. I knew it was his heart but the GP wouldnt listen .

I keep thinking I let my DH down , even on the stress test.

Im so tired and DH is getting worse. The heart nurse was really nice but when she mentioned the stress test I told he what happened.

Sorry Ive gone on. I feel I shouldn't be coming in because all I can think of is DH and I only repeat it all here in my posts.
Just so tired and angry inside and despair at how DH has been let down and he didnt have to deteriorate so much if he hadn't been rejected by NHS Vascular dept and GP and Cardio nurse who told him to throw his spray away.

Wi try and get back later. Sorry.

Sweetpeasue

Sorry I've not been up to posting much
Just seen post by Wyllow.
Wyllow Please don't harm yourself in any way. I know from your posts how very much this awful 'hug' has affected you and it was obvs so much more than a hug.
Scaredycat is as always very wise. The Quakers fellowship has been very important to you. Your Gym is also a huge support to you. Please dont think all is lost , regarding your MH.

Sorry not been posting much. Been an awful day.

I just missed your post. xxxxxx

Not a good night but an exhausted more settled morning with supportive texts from 2 Quaker women and arrangements to meet for walks/coffees, and a phone call from my psychologist - I'd sent her all the emails and events from last night.

I'm fortunate enough to know they are there and how to ask for help and trust them. Quite a lot of people with MH problems turn round and blame them on MH, inevitable, comes with the territory.

OTOH going way back in the past I've had some awful experiences but didnt complain when I should just like in all health areas like Sweetpeasue has rightly tried..

A PJ day as just exhausted. Hoping the police will get to Mr\A today but also accept there may be difficulties, overwhelmed police services by more important things, always a question of triaging.

How is everyone today?

Nice policeman rung at last and told me he is going to see MrA tomorrow and unless he confesses to sexual abuse will be arrested. What I needed to hear.

its made me feel I can hang on until tomorrow morning when I can ring my own Older Adults MH support.

Sorry I've not been up to posting much
Just seen post by Wyllow.
Wyllow Please don't harm yourself in any way. I know from your posts how very much this awful 'hug' has affected you and it was obvs so much more than a hug.
Scaredycat is as always very wise. The Quakers fellowship has been very important to you. Your Gym is also a huge support to you. Please dont think all is lost , regarding your MH.

Sorry not been posting much. Been an awful day.

Hi all
Doodle- loved your description of getting ready - since I have had just the one cataract done I,ve aged about 10 years!! Wrinkles on wrinkles!, They were there before but I was in blissful ignorance. Having the other one done on Thursday so better prepare for more shocks😩
Sitting by the lake must make you feel close to DH and soothing in the Autumn sunshine.
Had coffee at Costas with DD this morning- it was really busy but at 11 am the young Barista called for silence and it was lovely that you could have heard a pin drop as everyone paid their respects.
Wyllow- so sorry you feel distressed and not at ease. You have had such support since returning to your meeting house. This affair has shaken your confidence badly. Please take a moment to consider all the progress you have made these last few months and Quakers has been a big part of that. I don’t know how Quakers work but it seems a very peaceful way of worship. I hope that peace can help heal your hurt. Your Gym friends who are probably from all walks of life understand and support you. Please take comfort from the fact that people care about how upset you,ve been and how unacceptable the incident was. I hope Nice policeman can help reassure you and please take care of yourself. We all support you .
HVDY,SweetPeaSue,EllieAnne wishing you and all BDs a peaceful nightxxx

I can picture you there, outside the hospice, in the peace, remembering, with love in your heart.

Dreadful ending at Quakers today. Last night I got the email from the Safeguarding Quakers, they had really understood the incident and the impact it has had on me and said they had contacted the police and the police had said "NO CONTACT" with MrA. I went to the meeting for worship today comforted that no quaker would now be in contact with him. I was troubled, int he silence, by the spot in front of me where the assault has taken place, but chat at the end, about Remembrance Day and similar matters helped and the warm chats.

then at the end I found out that a quaker - maybe more? Had met MrA and gone for friendly walks. I told them that No contact has been advised and to check it out with Safeguarding HQ.
Went away angry someone had given comfort and support but at least that would stop.

but no. Safeguarding lead said oh no that was just Safeguarding people. Servants of the meeting and other Quakers could socialise with MrA. feel ill, shattered, in danger of going back to depression. I havent been able to cry since it happened, I am getting colder in my heart. Yet when I talk to women at the gym they are - without fail in any wayoutraged and so supportive
Only to get an email from Safeguarding saying that people could 'socialise" with MrA.

I feel so bad I want to self harm, so am waiting for a call back from Nice Policeman, who cant obvs intervene in internal Qualer stuff, but can tell me if they are going to interview MrS soon and remind me of what happens next.

HVDY I couldn’t possibly get ready in such a short time. Takes me ages to put my Polly filler in all the wrinkles. Do my eyes so that it at least looks like I’ve got some. Tame hair and firmly lacquer in place. Then I’ve got to find something to wear 🤣. Pleased you had a nice time with the family.
Scaredycat the service was lovely. Good sermon too by a lovely army chap. I went to the hospice after for some quiet time with my own memories. I had my big puffy coat in so went and sat outside by the lake for some time. So peaceful there and not a soul around. Warmed up with a toasted tea cake in the cafe after,
Ellie Anne I hope you get to go on your own and spend some time with your son. Nice of him to think of it.
Wyllow another busy day for you. Glad you weren’t involved in the car crash. Hope this issue gets resolved soon it must be draining for you having to keep going over it.
sweetpeasue hope the day has been ok and DH not in so much pain.
Very tired tonight so off to bed soon. Sleep well all

There is a chat that seems impossible for you and DH,
Ellie Anne - which is about the state of your relationship. Can I ask a frank question?
Why do you feel unable to talk about it with him? some kind of mutual understanding that things aren't great, , but you will stay together, and therefore you want to do some things along and make the best of what there is?

If there is some acceptance of that then it become possible to say things like, can I see DS alone for a bit then you can see him at such and such a time. That you can share this, but not that. that you will do the cooking but he can do such and such...? Does he even know how you feel or does he guess....

As regards relaxing your body, my best advice is to go to a relaxation or meditation class of some sort. this sort of situation does not mean you have to engage with people - people often come just for the class and go straightaway. atm going to the gym for me is my best relaxation. the way I meet people there is so much less pressured than any regular church type or book club group. som people walk not the chasing room and leave without a word, others talk.

In the meantime, 10 minutes chair yoga 10 mins to relieve anxiety, highly recommended for all here.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=bMZ1mI1g1rM

I hope this evening lightens the day a bit, Doodle.

I wound dare to guess how many pressies you have to get, Scaredycat, with your extended, and extensive, family!!!

It was a very difficult nearly hours with the Safeguarding people going through it all again (people never seem to read the briefing, or maybe it's just they want to hear for themselves. They were both really lovely. I'm getting more of less everything I want and full backing. it's regarded a cry very serious indeed, unheard of thus having thrown everyone int o a state.
The quaker who went and got one the way is going to be talked to to (the one who kept, after me opening up to her and expalingn everything, kept wobbling on about "MrA needs to know re the police etc, when in fast the Safeguarding people said under no circumstances whole anyone do that. Thiat lady really made it worse, but the women today were pretty disgusted with the selfish male behaviour, frankly.

so there is still tough stuff to come - it will take a week for all the material to be sent out to all the meetings alluding specifically to a sexual abuse incident happening and a reminder of Quaker guidance on i- and of course so much distress and confusion for so many Quakers, and it has had until today been me raising matters, and the Quaker who got in the way is actually in my small meeting, and others dont know what to do as yet...

but all angry that one mans actions has caused such waves of trouble in our area and distress to so many already.

But after that first I threw clothes on, angry it was near sunset and another day spent on it, and went to the park a short walk and a large scone, then finally to the gym. and as soon as I walked in I felt more relaxed and at home and had short work out on weights (brilliant for letting go of anger and reducing endorphins) and wiggling around in yoga whatever my body told me to do, probably the headstand which aroused interest in both a beginner lady near me recently from Kashmir and a bloke who has just started, 3 way natter, (yoga, then grandchildren, then downstairs my friend B from and and a young women all taken about 'where can we go in pubs as when who just want to be somewhere to hand out in the evening..

Drama on the way home near the gym. Cars behind me coming up really fast swerved our due, one than another and had a crash, some substantial damage as it left glass on the road:. I got out with my camera as I thought they were racing each other, as soon as they saw me they got in cars and then two more came up behind me - it was some kind of car chase.

never a dull moment

then picked up a curry and a something good on tv.

tomorrow is crunch really, back to quakers. MrA of course wont be able to come back, if ever, and I'm not sure he would want to turn up everyone knowing all, if he is either found guilty or pleads guilty and then restorative justice comes, it will still all come out. atm I can only talk to the 4 servants of the meeting about it, what matters is that I meet kind ness and friendliness not all pretending nothing has happened.

To answer your questions. The shopping centre is about 45 mins away but nearer Ds so coming back here not practical.
Yes he could sit in a cafe but probably would not but either way I’d be on edge and would not enjoy it.
Ds didn’t specify but from his messages I think he wanted me to have a break. He knows I’ve been very low and am on edge when we are both there.
Something I ve noticed this week is how tense my body is. When I go out for a walk my shoulders are so stiff I have to force myself to relax everything. Wyllow maybe your exercises would help.
I’m going to ask him now.
Back later.

ScaredyCat Thank you. It was a busy week. 9 hours with LG Monday, then saw my brother and visited his wife on Tues, plus the other things I did all week. I'm looking forward to just being at home tomorrow. You're right about the cats being in a different room at night. Jaffa will be fine.

Doodle Enjoy your evening. I expect you'll be glad you made the effort to go. Glad you GD is happy and I hope the job goes well. Jaffa is sprawled out on the settee. Fireworks don't bother him, but I'll leave the tv on .

Love to all x

Hi all
HVDY- I can’t tell you how happy I was to see you here again. Glad you,ve been out this week. I think Doodle could be right - you,ve lost a huge amount of weight really quickly and it might have affected your moods as well as your body.
I think you,ve done the right thing with Jaffa. It was the one thing we decided before getting the boys- no sleeping with us.We put them to bed in their bedroom when we go up- we didn’t want early morning calls like we,ve had before. He,ll be fine and so happy to see you in the morning.
EllieAnne- lovely weather at the moment for walking. I love it when the tree goes up but deffo not the 1st week in November!! As for tomorrow - it’s time you did something for yourself. It,d be a treat for you and as your husband wouldn’t really enjoy it much just say you are going. It’s what you need and a great idea from your DS. You could always bring him back a little treat .
SweetPeaSue- thank you for such kind comments. I have become very fond of you all and am very happy to be in your lives.
You are better off without that arrogant nasty Consultant. It sounds as if you are getting somewhere now and that DH will get his procedure in the not too distant future.
Good little Fluffball- she knows when she is loved.
Wyllow- I found another present and it’s actually been delivered already!!! Lots more to get.😩
I,m used to gallows humour.One nurse GD and her MH nurse DH. Also a paramedic GD plus Forces humour too.
What lovely words Wyllow- so glad you have begun to find your way to turn your heart about.
Hope today’s meeting went well-pink fleece sounds snazzy.
Good choice of your lovely cleaner to accompany you if you can go to the local PS. I,m sure she,ll go if she is able.
Doodle- what a lucky girl your GD is to live and work by the sea and not too far away. She must be so excited.
We are all blessed to have DGC to love and watch make their way in the world . It’s lovely to see the different personalities emerge and different talents and characters emerge. Every child brings joy and some have a hard road to travel but we love them all.
Hope you enjoy tomorrow’s service .
Nadateturbe- thinking of you.

Take care allx

Texted GD1 earlier. She said she was going to go for lunch with her dad. 30 minutes later, Son1 asked if we'd like to go with them - I was sitting with a towel around my wet hair, no make-up on. DH hadn't then had a shower. We hurried to get ready - I have to have my face on,but left my hair to dry naturally. DH showered and shaved quickly. Good to see them. DH and I shared some tapas dishes. Out again at 6ish.

Wyllow3 I hope the police say you can go to your local station. It would make sense to do that.
How is everyone else?

HVDY enjoy firework party. Hope Jaffa is safe indoors.
Our DGD is in Bournemouth which is where the job is . She is happy to stay there.

Ellie Anne could your ds and DGS come back with you after for a coffee or something so they could see your DH.
Failing that tell DH that he can come if he wants but you have a lot to do and want to shop with your son. He can sit in a cafe and read a book.
Did your son invite you both?
Wyllow hope you get to give your statement locally. Hope Mr A says he’s sorry and means it.
Sweetpeasue hope you have a more relaxing weekend.
Scaredycat have a lovely time with your furry friends.

I won’t be in again now. I’m going out tonight and will be back late. Part of me wants to go but a big part of me doesn’t. I’ve just been thinking about DH all day today. Face is on, nails done, paint smile on and off we go. 😊

*EllieAnne. Does your husband drive? Could he drive and spend time in a cafe (as he doesn't walk much) whilst you look round the shops?

Doodle Thanks. I'm still having tea and coffee. Not bothered about alcohol. I'm missing carbohydrates, but I wonder if it's just the time of year...

Good to hear from you Hvdy. Enjoy the fireworks.
Son 1 is supposed to be bringing the car back today plus some washing as their machine isn’t working. He hasn’t appeared yet. I planned on going for a walk but better wait for him.
Got a dilemma about tomorrow. Son 2 has asked me if I want to meet him and dgs at a big shopping centre . I do of course though worried about very busy road but I don’t want Dh to come. I want to have a wander around the shops ( ds and I quite enjoy that) but dh doesn’t and can’t walk far anyway. Don’t know how to deal with this