Black Dogs 27

Thanks Hvdy. I didn’t think that they were talking about me just that it was quite rude. I m just going to say I wasn’t feeling up to it and they can interpret that however they like. But if any of them had disappeared early I would have text.

EllieAnne You've done nothing wrong. No need to feel stupid. Those women might have been talking about someone but not you. You could always say you had an upset stomach or something. The fact that nobody has even texted you makes me wonder if they're nice people.

I’m feeling awful. I did something stupid yesterday.
I was at my church thing and doing a lot as usual but I had the feeling something was going on because 2 of the helpers kept whispering to each other in corners. They were doing it last week too. I have no idea what about but I know them both well and if they had something personal to discuss don’t think that was the place. Then I was making tea etc and none of them came to help. I’d had enough. So I said to the man who usually pours tea with me that I wasn’t feeling up to it and was leaving. And I did.
But now I’m feeling guilty and stupid.
Not one person from the team has even sent a text. For all they knew I could have been unwell.
One man left early a while back and had a heart attack in his car.
Rushed to hospital for a stent.
Anyway now I am feeling stupid and upset and dreading next week.

Wyllow3 Glad you were able to talk freely with that lady. It must be reassuring to know that help is only a 'phone call away if you need it.

ScaredyCat What unusual names. I bet you're all ready for the cats, with food, toys, treats, etc. Having furry friends really is lovely.

Doodle No aqua today, we had LG. It's surprising how much those exercises make you ache. Good, though.

SweetpeaSue Glad your husband will have the steroids to take when he needs them. Wise to wait until after the blood tests. I hope the car will be sorted out without it costing too much.

Had LG from 9 until 4.30. Took her to a playgroup we used to go to last year, so she enjoyed that, and I chatted with the staff - it's in a care home, where the residents love seeing the children playing. After lunch, a walk by the river, fed the ducks and geese. DH out with Son1 this evening. Hope ALL BDers have a restful night x

What a wonderful place this is , thankyou all so much for your genuine friendship and caring.

Just to say we spoke to the nurse on Rheumatology helpline today and Dr has advised to go back on to the steroid dose that DH last felt comfortable on before the gradual breakthrough of Polymyalgia pain. DH has Rheumatology appt due in December.
Thing is it would skew blood test results so DH wouldnt know if it actually was Polymyalgia and so could be taking them unnecessarily so he's decided to wait till blood test is done on Saturday before taking them. Of course he's still got the extra pain to deal with , which is going to be so hard but he wants to be sure and its the only way.
Car goes into garage tomorrow so I'll follow him down and bring him back. Crossed fingers the mechanics sort it quickly without messing us about.

Caught up with your posts though very tired now after a day of bowel probs so sending you lots of love and hugs back. Night everyone and to those who just read .xxx

Wonderful wonderful cat news Scardeycat and I just love those names ☺️.

I hope the muscles aren't too stiff in the morning, Doodle. ..dont let it stop you ( I know you wont!) its "use it or lose it" at our ages. (well thats what us oldies say to each other at the gym)

Yes, I spent this afternoon and feel better. the "servants of the meeting" are discussing it tomorrow and L (top quaker for me) will feedback. I cant second guess but I imagine in the weed since its going to Safeguarding, not an awful lot, expect I will know they all know - in some ways more about me especially MH than they ever did, I ever let on, but then Quakers are generally not put off at all by MH stuff unless its disruptive.

I'm hoping you have managed to contact the doctor, Sweetpeasue, and the day has not been as bad as yesterday with you too together. (hug)

Sweetpeasue standing by and waiting is one of the most difficult things to do when a loved one is ill. The frustration of people not listening or not taking action is overwhelming.
You are doing all you can .
As for pouring out too much look at how much I’ve poured out over the last couple of years. I’ve not held back the hurt and you’ve all supported me. This is the one place you can let it all out.
Scaredycat I’m so pleased you’re getting the cats. They will be so lucky having a home with you. Bet you can’t wait till tomorrow.
Visiting your friend will be hard, hope you come home to some fluffy cuddles.
Yes church for me tomorrow.
Wyllow do take care of yourself. MrA has no idea of the anguish and upset he has caused. I’m sorry you had such a bad night but glad you got to talk to such a nice lady.
HVDY was it aqua aerobics today? I’ve been to sit fit and ache in places I didn’t know had muscles. Still I feel better for going.
Sleep well all. Hope you got through to the rheumatologist Sweetpeasue

Hi all
Doodle- Ah thank you- we feel the lucky ones . I just hope they,ll be happy with us.
Lovely kind post to SweetPeaSue. You know more than most how distressing it is to watch a beloved husband suffering.
Church for you tomorrow I expect. Hope you have a kind and peaceful day.
SweetPeaSue- Nobody could have tried harder than you have been doing all these months. Both of you have been messed about so much it’s no wonder you feel so emotional. Please continue to unburden yourself whenever it gets overwhelming . We really do care so much and admire your fighting spirit and perseverance. Sending the biggest hug possible.
HVDY-I love that you went out for lunch with GD1 and the little dog. She must have enjoyed buying the treats with you afterwards.
The cats had Japanese names . Yuki which means snow and Kumo which means cloud. We liked the name Yuki but think we,ll call the other one Kai which means ocean. Yes will send pics if they don’t hide up for ages😸
Wyllow-So glad you were able to talk to that lovely lady. It makes such a difference when somebody is a good listener and understands MH problems so well.
So true what you say about us asking for help if we need it- there are times like that for all of us. I hope that after a rest and recuperation day today you will be able to start enjoying again your life you have worked so hard to mend . Sending another giant hug.

Tomorrow we pick up our “boys” - then I will visit my dear, poorly friend. DH can baby sit.😸

Candy,Allsorts,Nadateturbe, EllieAnne and all those we care about and those who visit wishing you all a peaceful night

Yes, but you are not "making us feel as bad as you* taken me years and rather a lot of therapy to say that, as I do worry about my effect on others: but although we care, we ar not family or close friends when it is a concern.

I had a crisis in the night: I was afraid my anger, burning me out, would turn inwards into depression. the night crisis team is too busy to do anything but triage people who want to take their own life "right now", but that was suspected (they used to be able to chat). Rung Older Adults first thing, told I was getting a call back from psychologist, which I have had: but int he gap I rung the religious abuse/attack/coercion even a minor levels "being picked on" helpline run by broad minded minded Christians and got a lovely lovely lovely woman, clearly very MH aware..

they are "Thirtyone:eight" helpline 0303 003 11 11. Only operates now normal working hours from what I can tell, but wow are they good

they are sending me an email later today and also will email Quaker HQ for me! I need feedback quickly.

Psycholgist had time to be practical" yes she will send unheeded notepaper a testimony that I was telling the absolute truth about my MH history (which appears in my visits statement but even more importantly, that I never, ever, fabricate or even over state matters when relating a situation =pretty much proof.

Today I have to allow myslef to stay in bed and not eat if I cant and generally orders to say no to anything.

It does remind me, fellow BD's, that if you are going through a terrible time for whatever reason because we are MH vulnerable and if not coping we need to ask for MH support.

Thankyou so much Wyllow and HVDY . Its good to know that someone cares. I get so stressed and emotional that once I start to let it out Im afraid I pour out too much. xx

SweetpeaSue You've been brilliant in trying to get the help your husband needs. Things shouldn't have to be like this, though. Keep strong, he needs you. He's ill and that's why he's snappy (who wouldn't be?). Ring the Rheumatologist again, if you can. We all care on BD. xx

Oh my are they wrong. I got me through, with some other things. I could be my ill self here and it was alright. Doodle you put my feelings into words so well.

Sweetpeasue I'm glad you shared. I think probably all BD's want to descent with blankets and comforts for you both.

You do nothing wrong in letting off steam here and remember it's fine not to address everyone else.

its like this as far as I can see - by sharing, you sort of give others a chance to think "oh, its OK for me to post about my difficulties too".

Sharing isn't selfish, It gives permission. It gives perspective. "I'm not the only one" xx

Doodle Your reply to me tonight means so very much, it honestly does.
I know you understand so much the whole stressful thing of the whole NHS unconnected system and delays and the unending worries of what to do and the heartache of seeing your nearest and dearest slowly going down.
Thankyou so much for your support and sincere kind words. I saw on another GN thread today that personal support on GN doesn't mean very much. They are so wrong. Lots of love xxx

Sweetpeasue I wish I could give you a big hug. I can feel and understand your anxiety and stress. Your husband is snappy because he’s not well and probably scared. He’s not his normal self at the moment and it’s really tough for you as you’re the one having to cope with it all.
I would phone the rheumatologist again tomorrow is you don’t hear anything. Whatever else remember you are fighting for your husband. I’m sure underneath it all he appreciates that but it’s not easy when you’re both stressed. Bottling up your tears won’t help you either but if you can manage to keep as calm as possible it would probably be for the best.
I do hope Friday brings you some proper help.
You are doing an amazing job whether you think you’re helping or not. You are caring and doing all you can.
Keep strong and keep fighting, love and hugs. 🥰

Sorry , I didnt want to post. I feel so upset but sorry I find difficult to find right words for you all.
So glad you're getting cat company Scaredycat
That bruise is a nasty one- it must have hurt a lot when you went down. You are being so kind to all the pets.
Wyllow Im so sorry you're having to go through all of this. Glad you're getting your fitness back.
* EllieAnne* Glad you managed the phone call with your DD. Doesn't matter if its not around personal issues at least you're both talking together.
Doodle I feel tearful talking to you - I know youve lost your wonderful man.
I see son 1 not very often, he lives a good 2hr drive away( longer than that as we need to stop for toilet break and I couldn't drive alone or leave DH anyway) But nice to talk to him on phone. I dont think either of my sons have any idea how serious and ill my DH ( their stepfather) is. They dont understand.
Got telephone appt with GP ( head of practice) and she couldn't give DH blood test until Saturday which means he'll be in a lot more pain as he can't start Steroids until blood tests diagnose it.
Rang Rheumatology helpline and DH told nurse he felt he'd got Polymyalgia again and if blood tests confirmed it ( by high inflammation markers) what dose of steroids should he start on. He'd only finished the Steroids 10 dys ago . With Polymyalgia you have to come off them very slowly in tiny increments at the end . She said stand in Rheumatologist would get back to us but he didnt.

My sister got an appt with her GP today at her surgery and needed a blood test and got one straight away and should get results soon.

I just see him getting worse and Im so angry its taken 14mths for DH to get a diagnosis of Angina- and even then we went private to get it. He never had a cough ,I knew it wasn't COPD- told the GP for months he was getting worse. 2 different nurses who took his blood for tests over the last year saw him deteriorating before their eyes.

Just can't believe all this is happening. We've to get to York on Friday for result of scan for Vascular.
DH rang a mani Vauxhall garage today to get car in. Costs 144 quid just for them to look at it for one hr . DH is so stressed we keep having words and he doesn't want me to try and help. He couldn't remember the arteries affected when he was talking yo Rheumatology nurse and I tried to intervene. He's so snappy and I just feel like crying but I can't and I suppose that's good because it would only put his blood pressure up.

To think last year he put up a garden shed on his own. He only had Subclavian artery affected with the Subclavian Steal then-- since then the Carotid artery is suspected , by Vascular surgeon in York to be fully occluded. That may never have had to happen if our own local NHS Vascular dept hadn't turned him away TWICE. That's just negligence in my eyes , the scan showed he had SS-- the Rheumatologist DH saw for the Polymyalgia and GCA said it was SS.
If this sort of thing is happening to us, what mistakes are being made elsewhere and so many in pain because of such a broken NHS and its systems.

Sorry ,I started with addressing Doodle and Im pouring it all out now. Think this is why I shouldn't post. So angry that the last year, no matter how I tried to tell GP and others no one listened. Its like I wasn't there. Just a scream that isn't audible.

Sorry for the rant everyone- hope you can understand.
I do care about you all too.

ScaredyCat That's lovely! I look forward to seeing some photos when you're ready. Will you keep to their original names?

Wyllow3 Highland cows are gorgeous, aren't they? Our DIL loves them and has various things in the house with pictures on. She and her daughter had a Highland Cow experience thing a couple of months ago - wonder if it was where you saw them?

Doodle No, it's now only painful when I touch it. How's your day been?

SwetpeaSue How is your husband today?

Hi Doodle, just missed you. We both want photos.

Wow that’s some bruise. How is your shoulder, do you have pain when moving?
Scaredycat that’s wonderful. Two of them. That’s great news. How lucky they are, can we have a photo when you get them?
Sweetpeasue hoping your Dh got to see the GP or at least gets the blood test.

Hurray! (do post a pic when you can).

Just after I posted one of the Quakers supposed to be helping move abuse things on took it upon herself - and its already gone to Safeguarding - to ring me and tell me she though maybe MrA was "just" being rather sort of adolescent.
For some stupid reason I didn't say - stop right there, blah blah and went through it for the third time with this person what happened. It's not just doing my head in its doing it to this person and others in our little meeting, it's affecting all. This person plays recorder with MrA and he is nice. FGS.

Anyway after I thought my anger with her would crush me - all this to do is exhausting - I threw on my outdoor walking clothes and drove to my fave spot and stomped angrily all the way and back and realised I was fitter than the last time..then drove to the gym and did a furious 15 min swim...then lots of natters and calmed down.

Some gorgeous Highland cattle lazily munching grass completely at ease with passers by, and children on half term enjoying playing "the wind might blow us over".

I'm hoping you come in, Sweetpeasue - keep talking, please, - but only if you can. Hoping you got some help today.

And anyone else who wants to share.

Sweetpeasue crossed posts last night and I didn’t read yours till now. So pleased you’re getting support for your son. Hope you get to see your other son soon too. You need your family round you and understanding.
Wyllow I suppose it’s right that if this is going to the police it’s not talked about. That does leave you a bit on your own with it. Hope the whole issue is resolved to your satisfaction soon.
Ellie Anne so glad you got to talk to your Dd and it was ok. Bit of relief I expect.
HVDY hope you get to spend a nice time with your family. With or without the dog. I’m sure Jaffa wouldn’t be impressed, cats are often the boss.

Hi all
HVDY- ooh your poor arm . That was a nasty knock.

Yesterday was busy and today even busier. So apologies for not posting yesterday. But I have nice news . We are going to be cat parents again!! Yesterday I saw 2 cats online with Cat Protection locally and today we went to see them and Wednesday we,re picking them up to come home with us!!!! So this afternoon we had to do cat shopping for 2 brothers. They are 6 years old and ragdoll mix. They have the sweetest faces and were very
friendly. DH just took one look and that was it.
Will post properly tomorrow. Thinking of you all and sending lovexxx

Wyllow3. Yes, I worked in the care sector for about 23 years - dementia, respite, palliative, elderly, special needs, etc., as well as some managerial and sheltered housing posts. Loved all of it. GD1 would be good in an animal shelter of some kind. She's 14 at the moment, so probably needs to be a bit older. Been for lunch with her and her mum's Dachshund (to a dog-friendly pub), then got ALL then bought ALL the animals (Jaffa, the dogs, the mum cat) some treats. Just got home.

Ooo, just seen, ouch!!!

Aw HVDY you are such a people carer - it was your job, wasn't it? Just glad for GD1 you are in her life. Just a thought really, for the long term really - if animals remain her solace, then rather than trying to get her to socialise with people, little volunteering/helping out work at an animal charity? Idont know how old you have to be.
Yesterday day sounds like a day well spent relaxing tho I know you like mostly to be a -doing.

I nearly balled up my rather tenuous relationship with DiL last night by getting a bit snappy online, but have been forgiven.
its affect ing me in ways that are damaging things - I'm going to try and get a chat with my psychologist asap, the only one who is of real use. She'll actually tell me what to do and not do. My behavior/reaction to present circs are all too similar than that att the ending with ex - being very strong and so on.

Sweetpeasue -oh, how I feel for you, I think we'd all like to somehow make things better for you badly.xxxx

Its rained overnight, sun now.

From when I fell last Monday