Black Dogs 27

Wyllow3 He can't change his ways now. He's so different to me (I'm like our mum in many ways). That woman sounds very difficult - the type of person to steer clear of.

LG liked the various little festive scenes (at a nearby farm park), but hated Santa and hid behind my legs the whole time . Children were able to choose a gift from a large selection of things. She chose a fawn. She enjoyed the toast with jam. Son1 and his eldest girl came here, so we all walked to our local pub and had fish & chips. LG is just having a nap now. Hope ALL BDers are ok x

Wyllow I think Santa is there and gives out presents. There are a few near me.

It's like he is comfortable stuck like that, somehow reaching out is some kind of inner threat. But it does drive people away, and I doubt you can change him, but it must hurt.

Yes HVDY she is toxic to me, and I have been asking myslelf (as she had been rather toxic before, but I thought she had changed)

Why I put myself through it. She has a way of me thinking she is understanding it all and at last sees my POV - the last time I put it down to certain circumstances. But this time I suspect that old green streak, a degree of envy. It comes and hits her and she couldn't bear whatever it made her feel, she hits out? There is more than a bit of passive aggression lurking in there.

I wonder what happens at a Santa's breakfast, but we will find out tomorrow....

SweetpeaSue I agree, your husband's problem should have been sorted out a long time ago. I hope things will improve for him. Don't give up hope of that happening just yet.

Wyllow3 My brother has got depression (like so many of us here) and takes Mirtazapine, the strongest dose, the same as me. He's always been self-centred. He has alienated so many people over the years, just as my dad did. He spends all his time thinking about how sad/lonely he is, and how unfortunate it is that his wife is in the home, with Alzheimer's (she's mostly unaware of her situation). He won't contact The Alzheimer's Society or Dementia UK, for example, doesn't want to talk to anyone who's going through the same experience. He won't come to my house or meet up for lunch/coffee, etc. It's impossible to help him - I've tried. That lady was out of order in what she said, and to message you so late at night, too! Best to avoid her, perhaps. I hope you soon feel better, and will be able to visit your family. Seeing the grandchildren will be a tonic for you.

Off to bed soon - early start with LG - taking her to a "Santa's breakfast" thing, then Son1 and his big girl will be coming here. Night, "see" you all tomorrow x

Doodle, you've been very busy, paracetamol and keep warm and if necessary just half a day out? Will the nice neighbour pop by so you aren't alone if you stay home a little while? xx

Sorry all I’m not feeling great tonight. I’ve had a busy day but seem to have developed a sore neck and ears. Nothing major they just ache and I feel unwell. I’m going to bed to see if having a good sleep helps. Catch up tomorrow

Able to pop in at last.

Sweetpeasue your post made me want to be on the moors that you know so well and I love so much. All my life, as I was born in Hull and we’d spend holidays all the way up the coast and onto those loved ours, and subsequently many holidays too. I’m just so glad you got out. Well done for visiting Aunt, probably so welcome. I’m so sad that DH is still struggling. I so wish that there would be some improvement to lighten your days as well as the most welcome solstice.

Poor DH, *Scardeycat, so sudden for him and gym buddies, and you both. You are both close to sad illnesses atm with your friend too. Dark times, so lots of love.

HVDY its so sad and indeed puzzling about your brother. You’ve never mentioned he has MH problems but it cant help looking that way to me. Some kind of personality disorder? But what you say about your Dad, OTOH, does rather explain a lot. It’s sad your brother should bring you down, but you have to look after yourself. Despite your difficulties, you live a good life, for yourself and for others. You are a mender and a bringing together sort of person for your family.

Ellie Anne, echoing what others have said. I am so grateful that you shared what you did about your family, it explains so very much. That level of bullying from Dad has a long, long reach.

Wel…sigh… I was doing so well yesterday evening. I really thought that the chat with shall we call her difficult Quaker has gone so well, but at 11.35 lat night at all times - I got a disturbing WhatsApp that made me think we had taken part on a totally different conversation. She accused me as follows:

“It's not a zero sum game with a winner and a loser - that's the kind of game where everyone loses. Sorry - rant over - these may not be the right words for you but you've asked me to be honest so I'm speaking the truth as I see it”. She also told me off for my idea of wanting to contact a mutual Friend who is a gender expert and has worked in Reconciliation (well placed to advise me on coping with MrA in a Quaker context of “loving the sinner”

I felt the rug had been pulled out from under me. As far as I know, I have never presented matters between me and MrA as “a game with a winner and a loser”. And she’d managed to bring the divine into the post as well. I wrote a stiff fairly angry text back then couldn’t sleep for more than 5 hours after that.

Early in the morning I managed to delete my reply and post a more benign one saying how it had cost me sleep and that

“how my heart sunk when you mentioned “ It's not a zero sum game with a winner and a loser”

Do you really think I see it in terms of winning or losing? I am aghast. I only had 5 hours sleep last night thinking you thought I saw things in this way After all we said yesterday - how can you conceive of me thinking this way?
Because - there are no “winners”, there can be no “winners” in a binary way.
It’s a loss situation all round, unless it can be turned into something that both me and MrA truly learn something and grow as a result.

that is…MrA accepts deep down that it was a kind of male behaviour that is never acceptable: (but the Community Justice people are working on this, as they have so much experience with men who don’t look inside very much, and we mustn’t interfere)”

I should have known better. There was something malicious and destructive about what she did, so late at night

She did apologise but I’m not going to engage with her on it anymore!!!

It was a nice meeting, people were kind, it was clear they want to support me but inside in my heart I feel what Doodle said up thread -

“He needs to be told in no uncertain terms that his behaviour is unacceptable”!!!! 😡

Then I went to the gym rather unwillingly for me and came home and slept - and woke fully lurgified still, quite ill.

I just want it to go before I’m due to go up to family (28th) as I couldn’t go like this. You have to wait some time before you contact the GP as in if it needs antibiotics, and all is closed over C mas but I did some googling and 111 can issue prescriptions right through Christmas.

Scaredycat Thankyou for your kind words about poorly loved ones. I know Im not the only person and many have same circumstances. It is cold out isn't it but the good thing is getting back home again ! I can see what a shock it must have been when your DHs friend didnt come through medical procedure ,Im so sorry.
HVDY Ive not idea why I got mixed up and made the assumption he was your SGS. Anyway, still nice to give him a birthday gift. My aunt has electric radiators and they just need switching on but she can't have remembered where the switch was on one of them.
Im so devastated at my DHs arm and hand pain. He was told by the consultant that he may still have it after the procedure as the nerves have been compressed for so long. Im upset and angry at same time. Hes had a wrist brace( one he had from carpal tunnel problem) on all day. Its disgusting - he should have had this SS sorted out ages ago. Hes hoping that the Steroid injection in his shoulder in a few weeks will at least help the shoulder.

SweetpeaSue The boy is not a SGS but the boy of an old friend. He's an only child, very privileged and quite spoilt, too. How nice that you get on with your sisters and their husbands. Lovely to have a meal together. Your poor husband is still suffering. Is there anyone he could ring for advice? Could someone set your aunt's heating to come on at certain times? I'm looking forward to some lighter nights, but it won't be for a while yet.

ScaredyCat Had your husband's friend got a wife? His sudden death must have come as a shock to his family. Kind words to EllieAnne.

I went to my brother's, and we visited his wife. He really is strange - he gave me a card (nothing special), the first one in about 10 years, but said he'd originally bought it for his wife! He later got a "Wife" on for her, complained to me about the cost (£4.20)! His miserable demeanour is so off-putting. My dad could be like that, but not to that extent. Glad I won't have to see him for a while. How have other BDers been?

Hi all.
Thank you all for your kind words for our friend. Yes DH will miss him as will the gang of 5 Gym buddies. He was the heart of them and was enjoying life and coping very well with everything it has thrown at him.
HVDY- Jaffa found the best Mum possible- such a shame about the FIV. So many poor little cats need homes at the moment- don’t think it’s ever been as bad as it is now.
Your brother is a one off- he has missed so many lovely family times he could have enjoyed . Still you have certainly done your best and he wont change now.
Glad you had a good time with your visitors and hope you had a good sleep afterwards.
Nadateturbe- thank you- so very kind of you to think of us.
EllieAnne- your latest posts explain just how much you have been affected by your childhood and your Fathers stern and not particularly kind personality.You have been left with such a fear of rejection and upsetting anyone . No wonder your confidence is at rock bottom. I really hope you can start to believe what we already know that you are a really good,kind person and start being kinder to yourself.
SweetPeaSue- I,m so sorry that this Christmas you have some very poorly people in your wider family. Of course you can’t help being affected by this as it concerns people you love.
It’s a lot for the young people to contend with when the children are excited and full of Christmas fun.
How is your DH doing ? Has he been able to do a bit of Art work again.
Hope your weekend has been an enjoyable one though.
Doodle- how long do you have to wait for your X-ray results. I don’t like to think of you hobbling about- it must be so painful.
Glad you were able to get to the Hospice singing it must have warmed your heart.
Yesterday was a day of pressie wrapping and a walk in the morning. It was cold out though so was glad to get home. DH has been knocked for 6 over his friend - it was so unexpected.
He was living a normal life until he went into hospital for admittedly a serious problem but with no thought that the outcome would be as it was.
Wyllow- ah so nice you had a parcel. Those decs must have been very touching.
Your Gym visit sounds a lovely relaxing few hours- just what you needed. Hope you felt good afterwards.
Ah your neighbours were kind to visit. Xmas in Germany is lovely more like it used to be. I loved our Christmasses when we lived there.
If only we could all get on together the world would be such a wonderful place. A call for peace as you say.
Love to all - old friends and those we miss and those who just visit

HVDY Your DB sounds such a loner but to not ever have a tree up at Christmas seems very strange. You've done your best. As Doodle says , the nursing home is best for him and at least his wife will get to see him too. Your SGS will have appreciated you remembering his birthday Im sure.
Doodle I do hope your leg feels a bit better today. You were brave trying to do last minute shopping with it hurting sp much. The carol singing at the hospice must have brought so much pleasure to everyone. Hope that volterol makes a difference

EllieAnne How very sad that your dad was so controlling - it must have been such an upsetting atmosphere at home. Extremely sad for your poor mum too.
Beggars belief that he expected to live with you afterwards - so glad you made that stand. I can understand your need to have that secure happy family now and how important that is for you.
Do take care of yourself and treat yourself when you can.
Wyllow The Mr A =Arrogance , yes v appropriate. He really needed to be stopped in his tracks . It amazes me how these respected figures in a community can be so bad. One would think they'd feel a duty to earn the respect given them. Oh what a lovely thing to happen ,for your neighbours to come over like that. What were they playing on the recorders? Glad you got your Christmas prezzie nice and early. Hope you were OK if you went to Quakers meeting today.
Nadateturbe Nice to see you in. Hope you are coping and haven't been overdoing things on the run up to Christmas.
Scaredycat Hope youve had a good day today.

I saw both of my sisters and their husband's yesterday for dinner in a country pub over the moors. It was good to be together ,doesnt happen v often.
Went to aunt's today to take her some flowers and a little gift. She'd been feeling cold but shed not remembered to put one of her radiators on.
Its looking like DH might be stuck with his pain. Hes hardly slept last couple of nights and his hand has been so bad hes been using a hand brace.

Been dark and drizzly here. Noticed on another thread that the days are now beginning to get gradually lighter , so a silver lining.

Hoping all have had a decent day. Love to all and those not been in for a while.x

Wyllow3 Not seen family today, but it was very nice to have the visitors. We exchanged Christmas presents. It's the boy's 12th birthday a couple of days after Christmas, so I gave him a card with a gift voucher for that. Glad you got out and enjoyed your session at the gym, also Costa visit. How lovely to get a Christmas gift, particularly something from the GC. Your neighbours sound so thoughtful.

Doodle My brother didn't do what we do - he never went for birthday/Christmas meals with his family or had a Christmas tree up, even when his wife was ok. He doesn't ring or text his GC. He's always been a misery. Rest your leg, have some painkillers, a glass of something, and hopefully, your leg will be less painful tomorrow.

EllieAnne Your dad sounded quite controlling. Fancy having a decent amount of money in the bank, when you (as children) and your mum could have had a more comfortable life. Very sad.

Hope everyone else has been ok. I'm going to listen to music (headphones) and go to bed a bit earlier tonight x

Sorry, can't post. Just wanted to say Scaredycat, I'm so sorry about your husband's friend's sudden death. Such a shock. And so very sad.

Now put that leg up Doodle before bed! is it your knee or ankle? Got ice or frozen peas? But carols at the hospice - not that is very special indeed.

I thought it must be that, EllieAnne. More than a bit of a bully - withholding adequate money, clearly not offering you a lot of love, nor finding the means to get those uniforms - a decent parent would move heaven and earth and there was help. then more bullying

Well done saying that "no" - by oh my - it cost emotionally.

Ellie Anne, there is so much there that has left you with a sad heart and neediness. No wonder that you struggle xxx

The neighbours from across the road just came over outside the door with recorders and little Christmas biscuits. they are a German family and follow those customs. It was so sweet. ☺️.

Wyllow he was a bit of a bully and my mother was walking on eggshells a lot. So we were uncomfortable with him.
We were an ordinary working class family, he was a labourer mum a cleaner till her health prevented it, but he kept her very short of money which made her ill. Made things difficult for us too. We were both quite clever and got into a good school but didn’t have the right uniform so felt out of place.
After mum died he decided to sell his ex council flat and move in with one of us. Not an option as we didn’t get on and our husbands didn’t like him. So he sent me horrible letters with emotional blackmail. When we eventually had a meeting and told him it would never happen he was literally shaking with rage. Social worker found him somewhere to live and I kept limited contact but my sister was diagnosed with cancer and wasn’t involved.
Sorry long post .
After he died there was money in the bank that could have made my mum’s life much better.

Wyllow sounds like Mr A is one of those men who thinks he can take liberties and not one will mind. He needs to be told in no uncertain terms that his behaviour is unacceptable.
I get great comfort from going to church and being part of a church community. They are caring people.
Glad you have had a good workout at the gym. Enjoy your present opening.
HVDY your brothers life sounds totally unenviable. What a miserable existence. Sad though it is you can’t make people join in. Good he’s going to be at the care home at Christmas. Sounds the best place for him.
Scaredycat Sweetpeasue and Ellie Anne hope your day has been ok. I’ve been to hear the Carol singing at he hospice. It was lovely. Went into town to do some more last minute shopping but my leg was hurting so much I hobbled around and it took so long to get anywhere, A good application of volterol and an early night is called for I think.

I hope you've had a lovely family afternoon,, HVDY, and you have found all is well with the visitors.

MrA - Arrogant. Unless there is a change, by the end of the process, I will be quietly letting some other Quakers know. Best if he does it, however.

Unwillingly had to spend a good chunk replying to a Safeguarding officer's email where she had clearly not understood what Community Justice can and cant do. (she had it muddled with something else 😠)

But I'd slept well.

Any way, the family parcel arrived for me and is waiting on my return (am at Costa). As it's got little child made decorations and some Mn S treat vouchers I have permission to open it early .

I heaved ho and did just a bit at the gym, and had a long shower and slow pamper, it was so nice to get out.

SweetpeaSue My brother won't join anything, get a hobby, etc. It's not easy as we get older, but what's the alternative - sit at home alone? That's what he does. I hope your husband soon gets some improvement in his hand and arm.

Doodle It's so rewarding to gain an animal's trust (like Jaffa and Mr Cooper before him) when they haven't known kindness. I asked my brother if he'd like to go to the Indian restaurant with us - he likes Indian food but wouldn't ever pay out, despite being well-off. He's going to have Christmas Day at the care home (it's free, which he likes; he doesn't pay for his wife's care). Bursitis is painful. I remember my dad having it in his elbow. I hope you get a diagnosis and treatment, whatever the problem, soon.

Wyllow3 MrA sounds either very stupid or really arrogant, in thinking that he can behave inappropriately and think nothing of it. My brother doesn't make friends - he's far too brusque and opinionated. He's his own worst enemy. He's never met my GC (the eldest is 14).

My friend (Son1's ex from years ago, before he had his girls) is coming round later, with her husband, son and mum, so that will be nice. Not seen them for 6 months. Hope ALL BDers have a decent day x

Thank you Doodle. I think I can ease things.

I'll tell you a snippet from a quick mail I got today from another Servant.

I told all here that MrA had been warned once. but it wasn't the first incident.

A woman had complained quietly even before that, but had been too nervous to have it reported to Safeguarding. I will see this through. He has to be stopped in his tracks.

I have been feeling so glad that you will have church events to be with those who share your heart felt beliefs. And you are giving, over this period, a great deal back to fellow church goers, especially as I know some only come for services like Christmas, or cannot help out.

Quakers are low key on Christmas theologically, the turn of the year, return of the light, and the significance of the birth as quietly alluded to.
But a lot of us do enjoy a good sing of carols or Taise music and no doubt I will be watching the Kings service.

I have always felt there is something missing in a purely "presents and gross eating" situations.

its certainly not going got be an easy time for you Sweepteasue, other family illnesses. I just hope DH has some quiet improvements to celebrate in small ways.

Brother isn't going to change, is he, HVDY. It is something you've known all your life, and who can know why.

Wyllow it’s disturbing that Mr A doesn’t seem to have a grasp on what he’s done. I know it’s had a huge impact on you but please try and not let this bring you down. You’ve dealt with it all so well and through the right channels. You’ve come on so well don’t slip backwards.

Ellie Anne do you think it’s possible your relationship with your father has affected the way you think of your Dh? I’m sorry your childhood wasn’t the best. The result of that must linger on.
Scaredycat I’m so sorry about your DH’s friend. I know there’s always a risk with operations but normally things are ok. Had he been really unwell?
I agree not seen anyone singing carols no nativity except in church and not much around about the real point of Christmas. The christmases of old where we had the men on the streets selling hot chestnuts. The Salvation Army choirs singing and collecting money. Santa coming round on his sleigh courtesy of the Lions usually. Nothing like that now.
I’m glad I will be in church a lot over the next few days at least we will be celebrating there.
Sweetpeasue I’m sorry to hear your sisters Mil is not doing so well and your sons MiL too. It’s easy to forget in all the Christmas activities that there are many in hospital or seriously ill. So many family’s who will have a worrying Christmas.
Yes you’re right lots of my classes have stopped but I’ve been kept busy with church things. I volunteer for a lot of welcoming duties, washing up, making coffee or anything else that’s going. I think I am duty of some kind for the next five or six Sundays.
Hope your Dh is a bit more comfortable, has there been any improvement in his pain levels. It is early days yet.
HVDY it’s strange to think how far Jaffa has come from the cat you first encountered. What a change you have made to his life.
What will your brother do for Christmas? Will he go and visit his wife ? Hope the home do some nice things for the residents at Christmas .
My right leg is very painful when walking. I think it might be bursitis (I don’t know but that’s the best bet from Google) I’ve bought some voltarol to try . Went and had my hips and knees x rayed today.

Scaredycat I too am sorry to hear of your DHs friend. It is very sad when it was so unexpected and must have been a shock to all close to him.
It is so very true about there not being many signs of the Christmas story of Jesus's birth on the high street. Its the same here Im afraid.
Wyllow You put that in such a profound way-- 'a call for peace' - how wonderful that would be in this time when so many are fighting.
HVDY Im glad that the visits to the vet are not an ordeal at all for Jaffa.He sounds such a lovely cat.
I suppose I was trying to think of an excuse for your brother. He must be a sad and lonely person - but its all in his own hands isnt it.
Yes, DIL is so upset about her mum - its such an awful situation.

Hoping all have a peaceful night.xx

ScaredyCat Sad news about your husband's best friend. I bet your husband will miss him. I avoid shops all year round, as much as possible, but especially at Christmas - all the consumerism is too much.
SweetpeaSue Jaffa walks into the carrier with no bother whatsoever. He doesn't complain, sits and purrs at the vet and nudges her hand to be stroked. He's such a lovely boy. My brother doesn't mind buying things for his wife. He reckoned his local Asda had sold out of "Wife" cards so wanted me to look in the branch near me. He never asks how we are, and only ever rings me when something is bothering him. He's always been self-centred. I hope your husband will improve as the days and weeks go on. The time will soon pass until February (it'll be January in less than 2 weeks). Your poor DIL must be so worried about her mum.
Wyllow3 I'm glad Jaffa found me. I wish I could help others, but it would be foolish to have another cat when he's got FIV.

Hope everyone has a peaceful night x

I'm so sorry to hear that sad news, Scaredycat. Dh must be very upset.

You say,

"I thought this morning when we were out that there is really little evidence anywhere of the real meaning of Christmas. No angels,no Nativity Cribs, no Carols in the shops. What a shame - it’s the reason for Christmas and the most wonderful story"

I so agree...it's not a matter of "being religious" either.

It should be a call for peace, not excess: gratitude we have what so many dont: to celebrate the turn in the year, the days getting lighter, but above all the symbolism that the birth of a new baby can bring...love remains despite the pain..

.if it were this simple, so many people's difficult Christmases would be easier,

without the "you ought to be having a great time with your loving rellies" stuff

You are probably the best thing that entered Jaffas's life, HVDY!

Ellie Anne our childhoods, unless "good enough" cast long shadows and I have no doubt whatsoever can play a major part in some of us having MH problems.

Was he detached, uncaring, or actively rather a bully?

EllieAnne Oh I am sorry about your sister, I must have missed something earlier, that's so sad. 54 is no age at all. I think most family members go through times when they aren't close and then other times circumstances may bring them together. Do you think your DD may contact you over Christmas ,even if its a short Wattsapp, I do hope so. I know how much that would mean to you.
HVDY You've had a busy day , with all the domestic chores. Aw poor Jaffa .Does he mind going to the vet ? I know some pets really get anxious if they've had a bad experience previously. So glad hes started eating again- he loves his chicken. Oh dear, your brother's request for you to get his wife a card. I wonder if he feels self- conscious in some way ,being seen getting his wife a card. He really keeps his feelings buttoned up doesn't he.
Wyllow Glad you had a good day. Sounds like your talk with the Quaker lady was positive and youll both feel more at ease with each other having things cleared up.
I think its wonderful that you have an art group close and handy. Im sure its bound to help and you're so friendly I think it has every chance of bringing you more friends.
There are so many who wont be having the perfect Christmas holiday. My sister' MIL is very ill in hospital , and ,as Ive said, son 2s MIL . There's so much pressure and expectation - I prefer the quiet time.
Doodle Ive been thinking of you and lot in this run up to Christmas. I expect there will be a halt to so many social groups and classes ,which are so valuable for many. Glad youve got the church meetings to go to. The Carol service sounds lovely too.
Yes, not too far away before DH sees Vascular surgeon again. We're meant to ring Cardiology if we've not heard from them for an appt, by beg of February.

Hoping everyone has had a decent day. Love to you all and those who aren't able to come in and just read.xx