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Bi-polar disorder?

(27 Posts)
glammagran Thu 18-Jul-19 20:13:57

For the several years or so my eldest daughter who was 45 last week seems to be gradually showing signs of mental illness. When DGD1 was 18 months old (now 13) she stayed overnight with us for the one and only time. When her mother collected her the next morning she utterly castigated me despite our centrally heated, carpeted home that she HAD PULLED HER SOCKS OFF and was in imminent danger of hyperthermia. I said I wasn’t prepared to have her again and haven’t apart from looking after her for a few hours at her house now and again. Other 2 sets of DGC have stayed with us and youngest DGD2 we look after every week.

The day after her birthday she invited us overnight as she does a couple of times a year (60 miles away). I was guarded as she has torn into me without provocation the last 4 times we’ve stayed but this time was the worst. We won’t be going back anytime soon. She apologised by text the next day but I’ve ignored her. Her daughter was very upset next day having listened to her horrible language like a navvy. She seemed manic in the restaurant and was embarrassing. When we went home by taxi there was a light shower and she was in hysterics about her new outdoor furniture cushions having been left out and getting a little wet. She acknowledges she has OCD - her home is like a show home while mines like a primeval swamp (it really isn’t!) and spends all weekend cleaning - hence DGD is an only child. She is driving her husband demented and his parents who have looked after DGD since birth when she returned to work have moved away as they can’t take her either. She always has lots of trouble with every job she has. She works very hard but nothing ever measures up to her very exacting standards and she always claims she has been mis-sold the positions she takes.

My sister suggested bi-polar disorder and it hadn’t occurred to me before but she is alienating everyone. I certainly don’t want to see her. Do any gransnetters have any experience of this?

Anniebach Thu 18-Jul-19 20:18:54

Does your daughter behave this way all the time ?

sodapop Thu 18-Jul-19 20:34:44

It's not a good idea to start pulling diagnoses out of the ether like this glammagran get some professional help for your daughter. You could do a lot of harm attributing her problems to some type of mental illness.
In the meantime support the rest of the family as much as you can.

Fennel Thu 18-Jul-19 20:42:11

I agree sodapop.
Having had my first husband as definite bipolar, and second son as possibly inheriting the condition. Both in their 30s when the symptoms started.
Speak to your GP about how to get an assessment for your daughter, as by the sound of it she won't want to admit to her own problems. It won't be easy.

Anniebach Thu 18-Jul-19 20:48:31

bi polar isn’t diagnosed by a couple of consultations. No one should try to diagnose a mental disorder and attach a label

M0nica Thu 18-Jul-19 21:01:01

Does it matter what she has? She clearly has mental health issues and these need to be treated, but unless she agrees to this little can be done.

The best thing for you to do, you are already doing as are her PiL and that is kto keep your distance, while trying to support your DGD.

She is now 13 and close to being able to lead her life independently from her mother. She presumably has a phone so that you can text her and mail her and offer all the support you can, and she can make decisions as the whether she would like to visit you or not. Have you discussed the issue with your SiL and got his take on it.

By the way, whatever her problems it is unlikely to be Bi-polar. Because the name describes the problem. Sufferers swing between the poles of episodes of manic activity and periods of inactivity and depression and, I think, periods of normality. This does not sound remotely like your daughter's problem.

Anniebach Thu 18-Jul-19 21:24:38

You are right MOnica , a bi polar sufferer when on a high can manage without sleep for several nights, when on a low
too depressed to get out of bed .

M0nica Thu 18-Jul-19 21:26:55

Yes, Annie this is something you know about.

Anniebach Thu 18-Jul-19 21:29:24

Yes MOnica with great sadness I do .

EllanVannin Thu 18-Jul-19 22:26:58

It's not impossible for it to be PND, even 13 years later. Your daughter has probably felt " unwell " for a long time as the longer it's left and the older you get the worse the condition goes until it manifests itself into a psychosis.
I would visit a GP asap if I was your daughter. Once on the right medication her condition will start to improve. She probably also has PMT at the same time each month which will exacerbate an existing problem.

glammagran Sat 20-Jul-19 00:25:49

My eldest daughter has always been the most prickly of my children. Her situation was not helped when I met my 2nd husband when she was 4. He did not take to her at all at first but seemed ok with her brother 3 years younger. I have done my utmost to protect her and after her teens she and husband 2 got on far better. I had never had a real spat with her until a couple of years ago when these attacks started. She is severely traumatised by her working situation(s). I have no idea how to help her but nobody in my life has ever abused me as she has recently done and I just don’t feel like approaching her. She said she’d had a terrible childhood. I asked my other 2 children what they thought and they said they’d had a perfectly normal childhood. I truly think she is mentally ill in some capacity. She makes enemies of lots of people whereas I avoid confrontation at all costs. I concede she had a lot to deal with; I worshipped her from birth, then
then when she was 3, a little brother came along then less than 2 years after, later a step father (still with).

I think I may arrange to meet her husband and see if we can agree that she needs help. He is quite controlling which doesn’t help.

glammagran Sat 20-Jul-19 00:41:46

I agree with other posters; one shouldn’t diagnose. But there is very evidently a problem. All her frustration is aimed at me but there is not a single family member who doesn’t find her odd. Last month our younger daughter took DGD2 (10 months) for a brief visit en route elsewhere. She ate lunch on my elder daughters tiled conservatory floor (and she is a very messy eater 🤣) but she went nuts about the mess and cleared up around her constantly.

paddyann Sat 20-Jul-19 01:26:43

If your 2nd husband "didn't take to her" she may well have had a miserable childhood and kept it to herself .The others had a stepdad/dad who got on with them so her experience is different.Childhood experiences can leave lasting problems.I was a middle child and often felt left out or unfairly criticised and I still feel the effects now at 65.For instance I have always believed I was fat ..even when I was a size 6/8 because my mother always was always weight conscious and told me I needed to lose weight..even on my wedding day .Now when I look back at photographs I dont see what I saw in the mirror then.Your daughters OCD could well be a result of her childhood experience .She needs help .Maybe her anger is directed at you because YOU brought the stepfather who didn't like her into her life ?

stella1949 Sat 20-Jul-19 03:46:20

It sounds as if she has a lot of issues from her childhood . You say that you brought your new husband into the family when she was 4 and that "he didn't take to her" ......I can't even imagine how awful it would be for a little girl to have a new father -figure in her life who didn't like her. If you are looking for a reason for her mental problems, sorry but it seems pretty obvious where her problems come from.

Anniebach Sat 20-Jul-19 08:25:16

Your daughter was 2 and a new baby arrived , she was 4 when a step father arrived and he didn’t take to her ? You say she is your eldest child so a 3rd baby arrived ?

She and husband no 2 got on better when she was in her teens !

Where was her father ?

sodapop Sat 20-Jul-19 08:52:51

That's harsh Stella1949 mental health problems cannot be be attributed like that. The poor relationship with her step father may have caused some problems for the poster's daughter but we don't know what her illness is or even if she has one.

glammagran Sat 20-Jul-19 09:05:12

Older 2 children’s father was an alcoholic. Elder daughter sees him fairly often but son has little to do with him. There is a 20 year gap between my 2 daughters. Youngest daughter is 25. Her teens were terrible as husband and DD1 fought all the time. Then after she grew up and left home they got on far better. Maybe I should write her a letter but at the moment I feel too hurt by the things she has said.

Anniebach Sat 20-Jul-19 09:14:45

. It seems all the blame is placed on the middle child.

glammagran Sat 20-Jul-19 10:57:38

Son is the middle child, 3 years younger. Maybe I’ve confused things but it was DD1 and husband who clashed all the time in her teens. I will say that DD1 has always been very reliable her whole life including her teens. DD2 wasn’t born until DD1 was nearly 20.

Mossfarr Sat 20-Jul-19 11:25:51

It definitely doesn't sound like Bi-polar disorder to me, my daughters partner has the worst form of the disorder and he is totally incapable of caring for himself let alone their daughter. He is also very devious and extremely controlling - in certain phases anyway - other times he simply can't get out of bed. He just disappears with absolutely no contact, sometimes for weeks on end.
My daughter has mental health issues too which often results in extremely vicious verbal attacks on myself and my OH.
I suppose she has to vent on someone, unfortunately its always the nearest and dearest!

Anniebach Sat 20-Jul-19 11:34:05

Sorry, I meant ‘seems all the blame is placed on the eldest child’.
I don’t know if your elder daughter is ill, neither do you, reading your posts, she was 3 when her brother was born, her father left, at 4 she had a step father who didn’t take to her but did to her younger brother .

Then younger daughter had terrible teens because her father had rows with her half sister.

I hope things change for the better.

Alexa Sat 20-Jul-19 12:05:43

For years I cared for someone with bipolar and he was the kindest most understanding person you could meet. Yet he was so bad with bipolar he had to be hospitalised sometimes.
Your daughter seems unhappy and neurotically anxious. Maybe some simple CBT would help her. Can you get her to go to her GP? The GP is usually the gatekeeper for specialist services.

Callistemon Sat 20-Jul-19 12:59:24

I know someone who is bipolar and she is the kindest, loveliest, most generous person you could meet (sometimes her generosity could be overwhelming) but she has been hospitalised too from time to time when everything becomes too much for her to cope with.

M0nica Sat 20-Jul-19 20:53:10

Even in the same family, every child's childhood is entirely different

Anniebach Sat 20-Jul-19 21:16:13

This has troubled me most of the day. If your daughter is diagnosed with a mental disorder, she needs your love, support, patience and understanding, don’t turn away from her.

I was concerned when you said ‘my sister suggested bi polar,
your response was ‘I certainly don’t want to see her’