Daughters house.

gillybob you can't kid me. I know just how excited you are about this coming grandchild so I'm pretty sure every moment of the sorting out was filled with daydreams about the little one coming to inhabit the room.

Well I have been sorting DD’s little house for the past couple of weeks . A tiny little place ( with no cupboards at all) the spare room was full of bookshelves and hanging rails for clothes . Now we have had to have a mass clear out to change the room into a nursery for the baby . So sad that she has had to get rid of most of her lovely stuff but what else can you do ? My DD honestly didn’t know where to start and I was happy to help her. I do plenty of jobs for my son and DiL ( washing , ironing, childminding etc) so will do the same for my DD. I honestly think that’s what I’m for.

I grew up in a home where things were left all over the place and we spent ages searching for anything we needed.

When I got my own place I kept it far tidier than my parents' house once I had taught myself to put things away.

I sympathise with OP's DD, BUT as others are saying, driverann, I think you need to encourage your daughter to come to some agreement with her DH about him putting his things away where they belong, but please don't get caught up in it. You don't want your SIL banning you from what is after all his home as well as your daughter's.

Some years ago there was a tv series on Channel 4 called The Hoarder Next Door . It was a compassionate series and the key person in it was a psychotherapist named Stelios Kiosses. His programme suggested that most hoarding was the result of unresolved trauma in people's lives. From the obvious like sudden bereavement and partners walking out, to difficulties in childhood. Once the hoarder had had psychological therapy to help them face up to and resolve the trauma, they began to deal with the hoarding.

Perhaps this might be a way forward. To consider whether specialised psychotherapy might help.

Hoarding is very different to untidyness. As a very tidy person I swore I would never marry anyone who smoked or was untidy. Well DH doesn't smoke!!!!!! I sometimes wonder how many years of my life I have spent picking things up and putting them away after he has left them out. I do it for my own sanity. I cannot cope with chaos round me.

Thank you for all your replies some have been very informative and helpful. The thing is about OCD [ it sounds from some of the post that is what SIL has] Our grandchildren cannot invite any of their friends to their house because of the chaos and in any event they would not have anywhere to sit. Hence our GC want to live with us which of course upsets our DD. She complains if her house was more tidy the children would be more happy in their own home wish I agree.

I wonder is it just that driverann and her daughter have different standards of tidiness from SiL and he doesn’t actually have a mental health problem. If anyone came into our house just now they could describe it as a ‘tip’. Neither me nor DH have ever been tidy but he is worse! If he has a woodwork project he does it in kitchen as shed is too full of stuff to get into. He also uses kitchen to transplant seedlings so sometimes have compost on worktops.

Our dining table at the moment has a box of nails, some scrap wood, a box of wine-making accessories, my candle-decorating project as well as lots of other stuff which doesn’t belong on table.

One of our sons was quite tidy and now has partner who also doesn’t like clutter. They were here for a few days once when we were away and did a big clean-up, but it didn’t last!

If my husband is away, I try to de-clutter a bit, as he certainly doesn’t like me trying to organize his tools. But I’m nearly as bad with my stuff.

Not sure if any of this info is helpful to OP. As others have said, it’s up to daughter to sort out her husband and house. If my mother had come and tried to sort out our house, apart from helping with washing up etc, I’m sure it would have caused friction.

If the OP had said that her daughter needs help to tackle her husband's mental illness I wonder if the tone of replies might be slightly different. Hoarding affects not only the sufferer, but as is clearly the case here, the wider family too. It is not usually the person being inconsiderate, it is not usually a 'choice', but it is a recognised disorder that benefits from understanding and help. Maybe this will help driverann:
iocdf.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/Hoarding-Fact-Sheet.pdf

It must be very unpleasant for your DD to have to live with someone else`s hoarding behaviour. I get that hoarders feel agitated by having there junk moved but what about the stress this is causing to other people who have to live in the house . I was married to someone who wanted to leave things all over the place so he `knew where they were ` but it caused me such extreme stress because I could never relax in all the mess ! it was a big factor in my reasons for ending the marriage .

If you have the stamina , I would help your DD to tidy up and blow what this inconsiderate man has to say about it . She may need to sit him down and give him an ultimatum for her own sanity`s sake .

Hoarding is a form of OCD, perhaps he has a compulsion to keep things in a certain place , such as tools in the living room and is agitated if they are moved

Did your daughter notice signs of his hoarding before they married?

I think Oopsadaisy is right, your daughter needs to resolve this herself.

You need to tell her no. You are enabling her and she is enabling him.
If the house is unsafe tell her. This is just as much her problem as his.
She needs to confront him. She needs to demand he gets help and she needs to force the consequences for his actions.
E.g. His crap goes or he goes.

Sorry Driverann, but it really isn’t your problem to sort, by all means support your daughter, maybe take the children out so that she can have a conversation with her DH.
Don’t get in between husband and wife, even if it’s your DD.
Been there, done it and it didn’t end well.

I would have hated it if my mum had started cleaning my house, so don't do it to my DD
Yes willsmadnan, but driverann’s DD has asked for help and the chaos is clearly a source of distress to her.
But I think what she needs is support to tackle her DH herself and come to some arrangement about how SiL’s tools etc are stored, rather than ann going in and making the problem worse by getting SiL’s back up.
No-one would regard storing tools in the lounge as either normal or acceptable.

I think many people are Welshwife, but I think it is also a subset of hoarding disorder: www.ocduk.org/hoarding

I'm afraid you're going to have to leave your daughter to sort this one out for herself. My daughter lives in absolute chaos , she never asks for my help, I don't offer, and in fact, if ever I go round to her house to look after my GS for an hour or 2 while she's at work I don't do anything more than loading the dishwasher, or putting out the washing. I make a joke of it by saying I haven't a clue where to start re clearing up so I haven't done any! The chaos doesn't bother me.... I'd rather sit at her overloaded table having a cuppa and a natter than risk being CO'd for being interfering!
I would have hated it if my mum had started cleaning my house, so don't do it to my DD.

Seems that your daughter is using you to tackle one problem ie your SiL hoarding. However I guess that is not all of the problem. It surely is up to your daughter and her husband to decide how they should live. I fail to see why you should clean they house while your SiL is at work. I can only assume that she does not want to do it? Assuming that she is at home while he is at work? Does she work outside of the home? They need to sort it out between them. I would take a step back if I were you, before there is a rift.

The people I know with OCD are by nature very tidy.

Could it be that SIL has obsessive compulsive order?