Moving to holiday home

Thanks Jaxie. I'll keep trying. We're just starting up again. Looking forward to my art class.

Tonadateturbe, I didn’t make new friends for ages in the U3A. Someone told me when I complained that members were cliquish and standoffish that I wasn’t asking them the right questions. My true friends were made when I started leading a memoir writing group.

Oops. Amended version.

I'm happy for you Jaxie. I haven't made any close friends in our U3A.

I'm happg fod you Jaxie. I haven't made any xlose friends in our U3A.

It’s not true that you will never replace your friends. I moved to the south coast years ago and have made some wonderful new friends through joining the U3A.

When we downsized in our late 60s we moved to the north Norfolk coast. You don’t say how old you are, where your cottage is or what the local facilities are but here we have no shop or pub in the village and zero public transport so everyone is completely reliant on driving everywhere, whether they are really too old/unsafe to do so or not. Good GP a few miles away but much further to a hospital, as we were discussing only yesterday. We have no problem with any of this at present and have no regrets about moving to this lovely area, but there’s likely to come a point when we have to consider practicalities. Has your husband considered this?
We’re still about the same distance from family as before and they enjoy coming to stay (too far for just a one day visit). We’re both like your husband, not very sociable and I haven’t seen any clubs etc in the area which would interest me if I wanted some sort of social life outside of village activities. If you’re very much dependent on having lots of friends around you a permanent move to the cottage may make you very miserable. As others have suggested, try living at the cottage for a few months over the winter and see if it would work, not just now but if either of you becomes less fit and healthy.

Think very carefully about this. If your husband isn't sociable you will have to make a great effort by yourself and will you be able to make friends and socialise with other couples? My husband isn't sociable and although I have joined U3A and art clubs its not the same as being close to family and old friends.

How about joining some local clubs and groups just to see how you get on? There are walking for health groups for various fitness levels. It doesn't matter if you only attend every few weeks, you get chatting to interesting people. You could also try the local U3A. After a few months you might feel able to make a definite decision either way, having tried to settle permanently and make new friends.

Do what makes you happy! All these doom mongers, you get one life.Family would move away given the opportunity.Why not you?
We did and we love it.

Just my fourpennyworth- driving at our age (me 79, SWMBO 75) should be as natural as walking but is a skill that benefits from continued practice. 80 miles unless it’s all congested minor road shouldn’t be a challenge. (I’m assuming your eyesight is satisfactory and you are physically able.)

How far away from each other are the houses in question ? I combined both worlds ....sold my house in France, sold a late relative's house near to a city in the North East and bought a new place on the coast ............chose the city rather than countryside for reason mentioned here ...plenty of doctors (ha ha WHEN we can see them !) excellent university hospitals shops, (that are left that is, sadly !) a metro just 2 mins walk away, plentiful busses, taxis are cheap and plentiful ...an international airport, a ferry service ......because, having returned from France and being over 70 I would need to change my driving licence back to a UK one and quite honestly don't need to drive here . There are a lot of factors to consider, as mentioned elsewhere ....when you get too old or infirm to drive > accessibility to transport services, doctors, etc etc ............so I wouldn't bury myself in the country ! Saw in France so many women did not drive or no longer drove...it was so hard for them as there was no transport whatsoever within a 30 km radius .....fortunately (or unfortunately ) the only family I have left is one estranged daughter living in the UK who hasn' spoken or communicated for 14 years ! BUT I do have a friend who moved from her home in London to Essex to be near her family and grandchildren ...........after 6 months the son got an offer of promotion in Norfolk .............so in reality she moved for nothing ! Depends how certain it is that if you move to be near your family they will stay where they are now .........serious thought ! Might be, as someone suggested, an idea to spend a year in the other house ....try to see how you would manage if either or both had to give up driving ......how easy to get re registered with a doctor......things to do, etc et ....and then decide ! Good luck

You should move to the seaside place and become part of the community there rather than have a second home lying empty for much of the time, which someone local could live in (if they can afford it).

Beechnut

I won’t be in your position so I don’t know what I would do Ginster.

Why don’t you do it the other way for a year or so and use your main residence for the holiday home. See if that helps a permanent move.

Be very careful if you change permanent residences. If you then sell what is no longer your main home you could cop for capital gains tax.

Evie66, there is similar reaction against second home owners here in West Wales. Not least because some of the villages on the coast are like ghost towns in the winter, and many village schools have had to close because so few residents with children live there permanently in term time. There is a backlash because local wages tend to be on the low side, and local families cannot compete with more affluent second homes buyers, whom the rumour market has it have been buying up homes online without seeing them first this year, such has been the huge demand. (Though huge property price hikes are hardly confined to holiday areas, my dd and her partner have been struggling to buy a tiny property in South London!) There is also concern about an influx of working from home people and retirees diluting the local Welsh language and culture, as these are largely Welsh speaking communities. The Welsh govt have allowed councils to charge a second home premium of up to double on council tax to try and combat this, though it seems doubtful whether this would deter those with sufficient funds to buy a second home. This does seem very hard on those who just want to escape the city and enjoy the coast and country, but you can see both points of view

What are the possibilities of making real friends if you do move?

Will there be opportunities for volunteering somewhere that interests you, or joining a hobby group?

My DH needs far less society than I, but accepts that I have outside interests. If yours does too, I think moving depends on many things.

Make a list of pros and cons, taking the following into consideration:

Will your holiday home still be suitable when the day comes where you should not still be driving?

How can you keep in touch with family and friends if you move? Skype? zoom? Visits?

What interests have you at your holiday home?

Can you afford the upkeep of both homes if you decide not to move?

How discontented will your husband be if you refuse to move?

You say you would love to move, so what exactly is holding you back?

I hope you find a solution that will suit you both well.

Ditto from me Beechnut.

I think the advice about swapping the houses is a good idea. Use the holiday home for your main residence for a while and you may find it isn't big enough, or is too quiet. I remember years ago on GN reading a post from a man who had done his research, or so he thought, and moved to the Lincolnshire cost where they had enjoyed years of happy holidays. The reality in the winter with most restaurants and cafes closed for the duration was very different.

I would stay where you are. It's all very nice having a holiday home here, I have lived in Cornwall for 30+ years, but if its in a little village the locals can be very unwelcoming of outsiders. My dh has been here 40+ years and he's still not classed a local.
With the lack of affordable places for locals to live at the moment second home owners are getting full brunt of the anger.

I think if you can manage the finance of two homes I would carry on as you are. ( would it be possible to downsize your present permanent home? though I gather your lovely cottage by the sea is the larger, or is that just the garden?).

You may remember that we've had a little home-from-home for the past 15 years, on the NW Nfk coast. Ours is less than 60 miles away. We still get the travel times wrong, last week had 3 different road works/diversions on the way, when we went late evening.!
We cannot make our seaside home permanent, as we don't have 12 months occupancy, (although we own the plot of land). So won't have your problem.

I hope things work out for you, your DH & family, Gingster, Good luck & Best Regards.

How about that you agree to move there for a trial period, including throughout at least part of the winter?
While you are there, try to find out what the actual residents of the place do? There is bound to be quite a few social groups running all year round that will be re opening now. Who knows, you may find a new interest!
Join the local Facebook group - one of the easiest ways to find out what is going on in the area - if not apparent, just post to say that you have moved to the area and wondered if there is any social groups. You are bound to get many answers!
While you are deciding, look into renting out your house on short term lets - there are often people looking to bridge the gap in between permanent homes.
There is no reason that your family can't visit you! Ok so it won't be as often as you visit them currently, but they may be glad of a long weekend break/ holiday with you.

We moved away to a beautiful part of the country. I just adored our old cottage and the people in the village made us welcome. That said, the pull of family and friends back in the town we had moved from and when my DS and his partner announced that we would soon be grandparents we put our house up for sale and moved back. We still go and see the few friends we made in the village once or twice a year and they are lovely but my family and friends and in particular GC made it no contest. I was travelling back and forth to see my original friends and family every few weeks and I cried at the thought of leaving our dream home in a dream location to return to a busy town to a house that I don't particularly love but my roots here pulled me too much. I was born and bred in London and left there in my early 30s when we married. I still see one of my original school friends but I envy those who have lived in the same place with friends that go back to their childhood. Plus there is the thought that as you get older things may not be so easy. My DH has developed a lot of medical conditions over the last few years and he is a worry. It is nice to know that help is quickly at hand if I pick up the phone, DS can be here in 5 minutes if need be. Unfortunately DD is over an hour away and that has proved difficult for her. Only you can decide but here I am approaching 70 this month and I am glad that we moved back 6 years ago as now I know family and friends are more important than the perfect house in the perfect location.

Your husband isn’t thinking straight.
We have had Six old folks who denied that they would ever get old….and old age can appear suddenly, as illnesses kick in after 60, rendering you disabled.
We lived over a hundred miles from all six of the, with busy lives and high powered stressful jobs.
They all lived in unsuitable houses, not designed for old age or extreme old age. We would get called up by hospitals, where they had ended up. We drove there in Winter in appalling weather. In the summer we did their gardens, cleaned window and their houses. They wouldn’t downsize, get rid of clutter, talk about their funerals ( I will be dead) or money.
So you go ahead and move 80 miles away from people who will end up driving 80 miles to help you. It’s incredibly selfish to think that you won’t grow old.
We have moved near a child, downsized, and are getting our finances in order, and we decluttered. Our children wanted none of our belongings from a huge house.

We have a tiny house on the coast and have also kept a little city flat where, unfortunately, we have a difficult downstairs neighbour. We have considered getting one larger house but we don't want to lose the benefits of city life entirely, so we have decided to keep two small places rather than have a good sized home in one place. The city offers better friendship networks, better hospitals and more cultural activity but the coast has walks and fresh air, nature, swimming etc. When the downstairs neighbour kicks she can keep going for days, so we tend to head off to the coast then and leave her to it. Currently, it seems to be working and we have the best of both worlds. If forced to choose, I think I'd have problems but as we get older, family and access to good medical care become more important.

I would refuse Gingster. Your husband isn’t considering or concerned about your needs for socialising with friends and family.

Go...you will make friends by joining local groups. As far as driving goes...you will have the incentive to get out there and just do it.. You are so lucky to have this choice in your life....