House clearance

Biscuitmuncher

I'm clearing my mum's place now. I feel just awful going through her things. I can't stop crying. It's making me feel like I don't ever want to buy anything again as it'll just be something for my kids to get rid of one day

It is, isn't it? My mum had also sorted out bits to give to us. There was a bag with my name on it and bits of jewellery in it. I cried for at least an hour of the journey home. That house felt worse than empty. Too full (of emotion).

I'm clearing my mum's place now. I feel just awful going through her things. I can't stop crying. It's making me feel like I don't ever want to buy anything again as it'll just be something for my kids to get rid of one day

That's very sad. Early in my career I worked in a local authority responsible for what were then called 'old people's homes'. I had to make applications to the Court of Protection to deal with their assets, including selling their homes, to fund their care when relatives were non-existent or unwilling to get involved. This included going to see the people concerned. I will never forget one old lady, thankfully not one I had dealings with, almost climbing up the window trying to get out when I drove off. Late 70s but the image is still in my mind. I contrast that with the lady I went to see who happily told me she had gone home that day to make jam with her Mum.

I think I recall that you are of the same mind as me - 'Never if I can possibly avoid it'.

Still ongoing I think, GSM

That must have been terribly difficult Callistemon. ?

Oh dear, I hope they can contain it.

It's sad but at least she's not upset about having to give up her home. We don't know how we'll react if the time may come when we have to give up our home.
My SisIL (with dementia) kept putting her coat on and wanting to go home again, but couldn't, of course.

I really am so sorry you are in this position. Being unable to see your Mum must have been very hard. At least your Mum isn’t distressed by leaving her home, which would have made things even worse. Thinking of you and wishing you happier days ahead.

Callistemon21

Will your Mum want to take some of her things into the nursing home with her, Gagajo?
Is she up to being able to choose some of her more precious things to take with her?

It's very strange. My mother isn't bothered about her stuff at all. It's as if she's past all that now. Lived there for over 40 years. Just says there is no way she can cope with living there (physically) now. I'm glad she feels that way. It would be awful if she was distressed.

It made it so hard though, going through her house, knowing she'll never set foot in there again, while it looks exactly as it did when I was last there with her.

To top it all, when I went to visit her yesterday, before making the mammoth journey home, I was stopped at the door. No visiting. Another covid case in the hospice.

Feel for you.. My mum passed away 20 months ago
My sister and I still haven't sorted out her flat or sold it. We just keep paying the service charges and electric bill (keeping it ticking over). It almost too final, which we know it is.

Will your Mum want to take some of her things into the nursing home with her, Gagajo?
Is she up to being able to choose some of her more precious things to take with her?

So sorry Gagajo.
My mum died a few months ago and we're starting to go through stuff as we have to put the house up for sale. My parents bought it in 1966 and we all grew up there.
It's hard but I find taking it in small pieces is best. Maybe start going through all the ornaments one day, keep one or two as momentos and then go straight to the charity shop with the rest. Another day go through all the coats, hats and scarves, pack them up and straight to the charity shop. The bookshelves another day, then the kitchen cupboards.

Nothing is going to make it easy, but I think spending days doing it not stop would be emotionally and physically wearing.

When we moved we took only what we really wanted/needed and the children took anything that they wanted and we got house clearance in to take the rest. That was almost 10 years ago now and we've not regretted anything or missed anything. The house had just silted up with stuff somehow. I'm so glad we used a house clearance company. It's a social enterprise and gives good jobs to people and recycles as much as possible. If they could make a profit on anything they uncover then good luck to them. They worked very hard and left the house spotless.

I’m sorry you’re facing this difficult task, Gagajo.

It’s not something we’ve faced, as my poor sister-in-law dealt with my MIL’s house - we live nearly 600 miles away and my Dh was working abroad when MIL died.

My own mother is an inveterate clearer-outer so there won’t be much to go through there, although at 94 she’s still healthy and robust! She had got rid of everything of my dad’s by the day after his funeral, whereas MIL still had FIL’s gardening clothes hanging in the hall, nearly 25 years after he’d died. I know there will be no memories to be found in my mum’s house, although I believe there is one piece of jewellery she wants me to have, a brooch given to her own mother by her first fiancé who was killed in WW1. I don’t think I’ve ever set eyes on it, though.

We have been decluttering our own house as we will downsize at some point. I randomly hit upon a method of deciding whether to chuck or keep those more personal items. Would I ever use/look at/listen to etc that item again? Also, would any of our dc ever be interested? If it had no purpose, practical or aesthetic, then out it went.

It was easier doing it that way than simply asking myself do I want to keep that, because I’d probably keep it all if I could.

GagaJo

Day after I'm back home and still struggling to go through all the cards & notes etc from my mum, grandparents, other dead family members.

Does it get easier if I leave it for a couple of years?

Dh and a brother couldn’t bring themselves to chuck virtually everything from their father’s house after he died. So much of the stuff that nobody wanted - or had room for - went into storage - for about 10 years! Should add that neither of them lived anywhere near the storage facility - BiL was a 5 hour drive away.

Eventually they did get down to it, and 99% of it was chucked.
I never liked to think of what all that storage cost, but at the same time could completely understand why they did it.
Such a painful exercise, for most people, at least.

Can you put some of them into just one keepsake album or box?

GagaJo

Day after I'm back home and still struggling to go through all the cards & notes etc from my mum, grandparents, other dead family members.

Does it get easier if I leave it for a couple of years?

No, it just gets shelved, put into boxes in the attic out of sight, out of mind, and 20 years later you think you ought to do something about it but haven't got the energy.

Best to do it bit by bit now.

A bit at a time then? Eating the elephant in chunks not all at once. I think you’re working too and have caring responsibilities? Cut yourself some slack and do what you feel like when you feel like it.

GagaJo I would say put off anything that you can save till a later date. I actually moved house with a suitcase full of my Mum's cards, letters and general non-urgent clutter, and sorted it about 3 years after her death. It was still a tearful process but gave me a break.

Thank you. I'm torn between plowing through it to get rid of the clutter that's now in my house and putting it off to save the hurt.

I’m so sorry GagaJo. It’s an awful job. If you have the space, I’d say put them away until you feel stronger. Don’t try to do too much all at once. It does get a bit easier in time but I still have some of that kind of stuff 20 years later, and what spurs me on to deal with it now is not wanting to leave it to my son to do.?

Day after I'm back home and still struggling to go through all the cards & notes etc from my mum, grandparents, other dead family members.

Does it get easier if I leave it for a couple of years?

I can remember the woman at the local charity shop where I went with the umpteenth bag asking sympathetically if I'd lost someone close to me

My sons have urged me to come south to live closer to them and I am inclined to agree to this. However, I am facing the daunting task of clearing out a lot of things accumulated in the twenty years I've lived here. So far, the charity shops have benefited from several loads and the bin is full of stuff excavated from the black hole under the sink. But, I know that by doing this now, I'm relieving my sons and their families of the task of clearing the house after I'm gone.

It’s horrible Gagajo my sister and I did Mum’s, she was in care with dementia. So many memories and having to be tough, particularly clothing, a pile for charity, a pile for the tip, we could remember her wearing so many of them.
It felt wrong.
Thinking of you x

Oh, I just read your second post, that is very sad.