Still Homesick Two Years After House Move

How very sad, wondereye, and how brave of you to let us know. Sending to you and your family, with sympathy.

Hello wondereye I am so very sorry to hear about your mum. What a terrible shock for you all. I really don’t know what else to say other than take care of each other

Hi, I’m OP’s daughter,

I wanted to update this thread to let you know that tragically my mum took her own life on 16 April 2024. She was 71.

Our family—my dad (her husband), my sister and I—are heartbroken and devastated.

It seems that in the end she was overwhelmed by grief for the loss of her old life and her family home of 40 years (although ageing and the relentless doom of the daily news contributed to her depression).

I had been worried about my mum’s emotional state and some changes in her behaviour and had briefly researched warning signs to look out for, but unfortunately they didn’t really match up with what I saw (and I foolishly thought she wasn’t “the type”).

My mum was a kind and gentle woman who loved her family, cats and the natural world and this should never have happened.

If you are struggling, please let someone know—your GP, a friend, counsellor, or contact Samaritans on 116 123. There is hope and your life is worth living.

If you’re worried about someone you know, please take your gut instinct seriously and don’t think they’re not “the type”—there is no type when it comes to suicide, as our family has learned the hard way.

I’ve been married 60 years in May…..and have moved 11 times during our married life…..some homes we’ve bought and some homes we’ve rented. Within this long lifetime of packing up and unpacking we’ve also lived in three different counties!
A couple of times I’ve ’hit the wall’ like Bluebell describes, but I just had to dig deep inside myself and take action to make it work! looking back I wouldn’t have changed any of these experiences whether they were good or bad …,,,it’s made me stronger and taught me that I can make a house into a home wherever we land and now I’m into my 80’s it’s something I am very proud of. Our last move was six years ago when we were both in our mid 70’s. My advice to you Bluebell has to be don’t keep looking backwards…..you can’t change the past or reverse the decisions you made in the past …..and the future isn’t guaranteed to any of us. Give yourself a good talking to and take a more optimistic view of turning this house into a home…you certainly sound as though you have all the skills to do it. Good luck!

I understand completely, having moved from Devon to Merseyside two years ago. I am now in a small terraced house, having left behind a large detached home with 3/4 of an acre garden, in rolling countryside.

I think there are pros and cons, you just have to accept them. I used to have to drive for 30 minutes to find a supermarket. Now I can hop on a train and 20 minutes later I’m in Liverpool City Centre. But I miss my garden terribly, the bees and the birds. Here I have a tiny backyard, which I try to fill with pots.

"Relocation Depression" IS real. We moved and that same week I was diagnosed with an untreatable illness. Well, that was "the icing on the cake"
I became so mentally unwell, I had to spend a few weeks in a Psychiatric hospital. Although this seems shocking, I needed that time away to recover. I'm much happier now, I've got used to the new house & area & have accepted my illness.

It’s been so nice to hear all these comments and advice, and I thank you for all the good wishes. We’re going to get people in to decorate, which should help in the long term. (Our old house was completely gutted by the new owners, and the garden was also cleared of all the planting I’d done. so I know for sure there’s no going back.)

If anyone’s considering moving through choice, as opposed to necessity, I’d suggest first researching both ‘homesickness’ and ‘relocation depression’: I had no idea of the far reaching effects of these things. When people talked about the stress of moving I thought it was centred on the legal process and the immediate physical effort of moving, rather than any long term effects.

One more valuable exercise I’m definitely going to use if we move again is the ‘toss a coin exercise’. Tossing a coin can really concentrate the mind. And then ask yourself:
‘how will you feel if it lands the way you want it to: how will you feel if it doesn’t?’
I actually used this on a previous occasion and backed out of an earlier potential house move. Unfortunately I didn’t remember use it when we bought our current property.

We down sized 7 years ago, my husband does not like where we now live, noisy neighbours, people parking outside our house - he regrets moving and we are looking to move this year.

Don't forget you were happy to move in your new house. Someone else would to no doubt, if you put it on market again soon! No amount of decorating can help if your heart is not in it.

Count yourself lucky that you did not move into a new house that ends up being flooded.

My daughter moved into a lovely house in a village 4 months ago and had to move out a few weeks ago into a hotel and stay there for 2 weeks.

Her garden was flooded. She told me she can swim in it and the water eventually entered the open cellar and cut off the electric.

She still loves the house, just not happy that the money she put aside for decorating the house will be spent on the drainage issues in the garden instead.

How about getting a decorator to decorate one room at a time? You may feel happier in the house when that is done.

I don’t usually comment but,this thread has come at a good time for me.We built and have lived in our present bungalow for 43 years.It is in a small community,but you need a car to get anywhere,and there are no clubs or social events close by.When Our two sons moved with their families to a town 30 minutes away by car,at first I coping but now I feel so sad and isolated most of the time.
I have watched elderly neighbours deteriorate because of the lack of social activities,and I am determined to not go the same way.
Both of our sons are desperate for us to move to the same area,with a thriving community spirit and numerous clubs and activities,but my husband,is not keen.
I think a lot of this stems from watching my mother gradually decline after refusing to move from an isolated cottage,and dementia then Alzheimer’s taking hold,eventually she was sectioned and spent 10 years in care,until last year.
Unlike the OP I don’t think I would miss this bungalow,it has a lot of land and to be honest it is now too much to look after,I relish the thought of downsizing.

The only way to come to terms with a move is to try and find the positives in the new situation and I give thanks often that, unlike so many people on this planet, I do have a safe home, a
and enough to eat and am not in a war zone.

Wise words Phillipa111, making the best of things and counting your blessings.

I understand fully! I lived in a top flat in a Georgian building in the centre of town for over 30 years. I absolutely loved it as did my family and friends, and I had stunning views both back and front. However I realised that the stairs would become an issue in later years and already my friends had started comenting on all the stairs... there were lots!

I moved to a ground floor flat with a lovely garden but in a more suburban area. I've never quite got used to it. But thank goodness I made the move as I have had 2 hips replaced since then. I would have been more or less housebound for long periods of time.
I can still go to the supermarket and choose my own food. I know that it would be too heavy to get it up all those stairs now. Also it is really nice to walk out of my back door into my garden.. in all weathers.
The only way to come to terms with a move is to try and find the positives in the new situation and I give thanks often that, unlike so many people on this planet, I do have a safe home, and enough to eat and am not in a war zone.

I guess one answer is to move somewhere with positives you can appreciate. We lived in the countryside along an unmade road for 27 years. Lovely detached house with a big garden. We really enjoyed it but as we moved through our 60s began to feel we couldn’t live there forever, mainly because of the location and the access road. We moved to a bigger modern house in a quiet location near public transport. Delivery drivers can find us. People are happy to visit. The garden’s much smaller but quiet and private. We have happy memories to look back on but don’t regret our move. I guess the answer to being happy in a new home is to have had very positive reasons for moving from your old one and being able to appreciate the benefits.

Very interested in all these comments as it's a decision I'm going to have to take in the near future. Have moved house many times and since DH passed away will need, at some point, to move to a more manageable place with smaller house and garden with good transport links as may not be willing/able to drive in the future. My difficulty is leaving the last home DH and I shared together which seems unsurmountable at present.

Such a shame OP
We sold our house earlier this year - within a day of putting it on the market - we pulled out 2 weeks later it was moving all too fast and I had that seed of doubt we were doing the wrong thing. I’m so glad we decided not to move!

It is very difficult moving from a place you lived in and loved for many years. We moved to Devon from Bournemouth and 6 months in I knew I had made a huge mistake, we stayed 4.5 years and then moved back to Bournemouth. I tried really hard to settle but missed family more than I thought I would, hubby was sad as he loved it there. But he didn't like seeing me so low and miserable. Is there any chance you can return to the place you loved.

I moved 150 miles to be near my children when I retired from full time work and living alone due to traumatic divorce. I had already left the family home and lived on my own in a nearby area for 3 years so had already moved once but really liked my rented house .

I moved the second time into a flat which was delayed so lived 5 months with DD2 but we are very in tune and got on well , then in flat which was lovely only a street away from both daughters so lots of support but own privacy . I found occupying myself more difficult than the move so began 2 days of part time work which I still do and now also do some voluntary work and go to a knitting group. I have found some lovely friends at a local church but that took a long time and it was hard not having real friends to do things with at first. I think it’s really important to make a social life,could you do some things with your husband and something for yourself?

I think it’s natural to miss your old area ( I’ve only been really attached to one house in my life and that was 20 years ago.) I go back to visit when I can so I see old friends, is it possible for you to do that too ? I hope you find ways to settle . I now live all together with my family (2 daughters 2 grandchildren 1 daughter divorcing ( he’s another story altogether) so have had to be accommodating amd resilient try and see the positive you only have one life.

We lived in our old (in every sense of the word), large house with a very big garden seven years ago. I can’t even go back to the village and dread meeting any old neighbours in case they talk about the changes the new, young family have made. It makes me sad even to be writing this. BUT the house we now live in, while having none of the architectural features or charm of being in a village, is manageable, warmer, has a much smaller garden, a bathroom on both floors and very nice, but quiet, neighbours. It’s got all our old furniture (well most of), books, paintings etc so it’s a lot like the old house inside. So - please concentrate on making it the way you want it indoors, keep up with your hobbies and perhaps, if you’re able, get out for walks if joining clubs etc isn’t your thing, it isn’t mine. I send you very best wishes and hope you’ll soon feel better about the move. Oh, and keep talking to DH so that he can maybe begin to understand how you’re feeling - over a nice glass of something when you’re both feeling relaxed!

Meant to say what also helped enormously was after a year the new owner of my old house tried to sell it and a neighbour sent me a link to the EstateAgents listing, . I could not believe it was the same house where we had created our beautiful home! Everything internally had been ripped apart and altered beyond recognition and the decor represented what I imagine a French brothel to look like! All gilt furniture, mirrors everywhere, including mirrored furniture in all the bedrooms , ornate canopies over the beds, animal print rugs and cushions everywhere, long tandem garage and bin storage area converted into new integral kitchen, wheelie bins parked out front, front garden paved over for additional car parking, a horrible, horrible transformation, totally out of character with the original house design and area, I cried buckets when I saw it, but it definitely cured me of any nostalgia!!! It didn’t sell, btw and still hasn’t 8 years later, even though it does periodically appear on the market! Maybe a visit to your old home would be helpful to lay some ghosts?

I was in your position a few years ago, having lived in a house we both loved so much and one we had lavished a lot of love and attention on, for forty years, never thinking we would ever leave! Circumstances eventually forced us to move nearer my family, over 130 miles away, back to the area where I was born! We were fortunate to find a new build bungalow, only saw it once, when half constructed, until the day we moved in!!! I desperately missed everything to begin with. Friends, Lovely neighbours, locality, everything familiar and felt my beautiful new home would never really be “ home”. But I like to think I am an optimist, so I decided to put the past where it belonged and concentrated on making a new life for us, which I did, very successfully. DH was perfectly happy and content here, until the day he died, which was my main concern. The only advice I can give you is to concentrate on the positive, remember only you are responsible for your own happiness, and make the most of each day, don’t dwell on the past, it’s over and gone,and a wonderful, bright new future is ahead xxx

Cambsnan I think you have nailed it for a lot of people. Missing the old life especially if the old house is where you brought children up. And Winter/January blues can cause lots of sadness.
BlueGarden can you get help with the re decoration and put heart and soul into it. Look on it like a job. Pretend you are Kirstie and Phil and doing up a house to be the best it can be. Moving is of course very expensive but is never out of the question. Investigate all the opportunities in the area as if you are doing it for someone else.
I do sympathise as I know this is ahead of me at some stage soon, but the tips on this thread are helpful.
Are any GNs meeting up in yout area?

Maybe change the mindset of seeing it as ' home ' and your house.
It belongs to someone else now , your home is where you sleep and where your belongings are , make it home.

Nursed several old people who had moved to a nice seaside town in their old age either widowed and very alone or their spouse going to be on their own with no friends around . Not a good idea either to move somewhere country where you have to drive . I have been the only driver for several years but at least we have bus routes nearby . Think carefully folks before that move .

I downsized and missed my old home but I realised what I missed was my old life with children at home. I reframed it in my head as moving on that needed to happen wherever I live. Stop looking back, don’t call it homesick as it is no longer home! You need to see your current home as home!

Look forward!