Child custody

Yes, if he has been primary carer he has as much right to continue in this role as mum and if he contacts Families Need Fathers or Fathers4Justice, they have great support systems and lots of information. He shouldn't agree to any changes to arrangements and stay in the family home with the children if he wants to pursue it.

The idea is that parents should share the care and agree in the best interests of their children. If she has agreed so far that he is best looking after the children, a separation is not necessarily grounds to change that.

Specki I have had some experience of being involved in custody issues,most important he will need to get a solicitor dealing in family law to advise him and if need be to go to court and get a temporary residents order,and an interim care order in my experience I had to give up work to fund this as the criteria for legal aid earnings and income is very low and assets are also accountable....if there is conflict in child care/custody this cannot be sorted by himself he will need expert advice and guidance
Hope this helps family law is quite complicated ,I have no legal experience but as I say had a lengthy case lasting for 6 years..

Depends on whether it's about parental responibility or a child being looked after for 'care' reasons nellie. It is possible to agree parental roles with assistance from the mediation service if agreement s dfficult to reach and with minimum involvement of solcitors, especially if the couple want to avoid any hostility. Solicitors tend to leave the issue of children till the property and finance is decided.

He does need to make clear that he intends to continue to look after the children in their home. However, if the relationship breakdown relates to any problem with how he has managed this so far, the court will have to decide if the parents can't agree.

Thanks when I know my experience was limited only to my own,but I am glad for * specki* and her son that things may be less complicated and a solution found without that sort of intervention..knew you would be the one to answer that...

It does sound, though, as if specki's DIL has already decided what she wants to happen. One can only hope that she will be reasonable, for the sake of the child.

Thanks for all your help, sorry have been offline for a couple of days. The situation for my DS and DGCs is currently all in the melting pot and consequently very traumatic. He has seen a solicitor who specialises in family law, so has my DIL. She however seems to have the opinion that she has an automatic right not just to custody of the children but also to dictate the terms of his access to them after they are separated (but he is refusing to leave the family home at present). The background is that she has decided that the marriage is over and therefore says that he has to get out, make a new home for himself and accept whatever crumbs of access she is prepared to give. No-one is perfect but he has committed no matrimonial 'crime' - it is just one of those situations where she is hitting 40 and not ecstatically happily married and therefore wants to make herself available on the market again. I am aghast, as is everyone else in our circle, that she is playing fast and loose with the psychological health of two very young children who love and depend on their father and whose lives are going to change beyond all recognition from what they have, up until now, experienced. And this merely to satisfy some self obsessed desire to 'find herself'. She is setting up child minders and after school clubs and enlisting the help of her parents in order to supplant his day to day role. He can't afford to get unlimited legal assistance - she is the big earner of the the household and therefore can. He does work very hard but doesn't earn a lot of money. He is so traumatised by the entire situation that I sense he is behaving much of the time like a rabbit caught in headlights - dashing this way and that and afraid of everything. I just want to help him.

He could put in a claim for child support if he is caring for the chhildren and she has high earnings. She will be able to find accommodation nearby for access. Same as how it works for men.

Oh specki you made me cry...this is exactly what we're going through with my DS at the moment. His partner decided she no longer needed him and when he was on a short visit to us she locked him out of the flat. DS had been the primary carer of their baby since birth to the extent that his partner didn't even know how to feed her own DD. We had to involve Social Services and they sent a health worker to show her. He had to move back in with us (over 100 miles from his DD) as he was homeless and penniless, he couldn't even get access to his own property and clothes. Eventually, we managed via the solicitor to get some of his stuff back, although most of the expensive stuff had 'disappeared'. His solicitor has said that although he was the primary carer because he is no longer living with his DD it is extremely unlikely that he will be allowed a residence order and so he is going for a contact order. Tell your DS that he must not move out or he will lose his rights as the primary carer....if only we had known that. I'm sure that DS's partner had got it all worked out as it was a massive surprise to DS and us when she locked him out. DS is getting to see his DD once a fortnight and always come back in a distressed state as it is obvious that she is being neglected but it seems there is very little we can do. All we can do is provide lots of TLC for DS and hope that ,one day, his gorgeous DD will realise what happened.

I agree with everything lucid has said - and when also; however bad it gets your son must not move out or he will be looked at far less favourably by the courts. He should try to keep up the routine of providing care and not allow this to be taken over by childminders, after school clubs or family. If she is unhappy in the relationship then she is the one who should leave and make a new life for herself. I would advise him to stay calm and resolute in giving her that message - difficult I'm sure when he is feeling heartbroken.

I do hope they can reach a compromise that enables him to remain as primary carer.

He must stay put and continue the child care as normal - how he tells her that I do not know, but once he moves away and relinquishes the care he will not have a leg to stand on. Very hard when he is upset, but those children need continuity far more than this lady needs to "find herself." We no longer have the right to be selfish once we have small children - as they grow older we have the opportunity to "find ourselves" and to branch out again, but when they are small we have taken on an absolute obligation. I get very tired of the idea of people going off to "find themselves" - it usually involves finding another partner from what I have seen.

Lucid I send you a hug in recognition of how you are feeling - it truly is like a living nightmare. You feel so helpless don't you? I live 1000 miles away from my DS and in his pain, he keeps going 'underground', trying to contain it all himself without worrying me. That only makes me worry more!

Mishap how eloquently and succinctly you describe the responsibilities of parenthood - I just wish I could get this over to my DIL but I fear that she's so blinkered and focussed on what she now wants, she cannot see or foresee what damage she is doing to those children. I'm also afraid to criticise her to her face, in case she cuts me out of their lives too.

Both I and his solicitor have told him over and over not to move out. It must be very difficult to live under the same roof as her at this time. I just hope he sticks to his resolve.

When you mention the mediation service - how does he access that?

speckie the cafcass website is very helpful

www.cafcass.gov.uk/default.aspx