verbaly abused grandson of 14 years

Hence advice to visit CAB!

sorry worry you though!

Very good advice re CAB. I don't want to worry though but there will be things about parental responsibility and whether mum agrees officially to him living with you. She will have to agree to do this with the school, and you will possibly not have authority to agree to school outings etc.

Mum and partner will have to agree to give up his part of child tax credit or child benefit or what ever. It possibly means you will have to get a residence order.

If relationships are bad that could get messy. Just because he is living with you does not mean that you can automatically get these things if his parents are being difficult. I have seen this happen.

Good luck with this.

chrissy, go and speak to the Citizen's Advice Bureau(CAB) they will be able to pull together all the things you need to know about and do to help you look after your grandson physically and psychologically. How lucky your grandson is to have such a wonderful grandmother.

When you talk about financial support with the father do not underestimate the amount of food a teenage boy needs nor how much they grow.. Good luck

chrissyb - you're joining a growing army of grandparents who care for grandchildren because the children's parents have dependency on drugs/alcohol issues. Good luck - you may find you meet others in the same position and you can support each other

Agree re school and they will give you the form for free school meals. Find out who in the school will have a pastoral care responsibility for him e.g. head of year and keep in touch with them - send them an email of give them a ring every few weeks, just to check he is ok in school.

Contact the benefits agency and they will tell you how to sort our child benefit. You may not even have to talk to your daughter about it. When I left I kept the child benefit for my 18 year old daughter (she was at college) and gave it to her each month to help with her college expenses the same as I had when I was living there. She still lived with her father and he complained to the benefits agency who wrote telling me that from the following month he would get the money. Needless to say he got the money and didn't pass it on to my daughter.

Make sure the school know in September of his change of address and circumstances so they can help him if it affects his schoolwork/behaviour.

If you are on a low income I think you can claim child tax credits.

I don't have any information for you, chrissybox but if I were in your shoes I would take it one day at a time and give your grandson lots of love and support. He's going to need you and as you say, he is now away from the constant trouble so try and enjoy the time you have together. A bit of peace and quiet could do wonders for him.

My situation was similar to yours though not as extreme. My grandson came to live with us when he was 15. He is still here, now aged 24. It has worked out very well and having him here has enhanced our lives overall.

It is good that you have the support of your Grandson's father and I think things could work out well for you and your Grandson though I suppose there will be a period of adjustment.

Good luck!

hi, i have a update about my grandson. apparently my daughter s boyfriend said to my grandson," you might as well p... off " on saturday, consequently when i arrived home, i found his belongings all along my path. so now he is here, im so worried that i cant support him now as only have a pension. his father has said he will make sure the maintenance will come to me, of that i have no worries. its how long this will all take. also i believe that i can claim child benefit. my grandson does not have his birth certificate and was in fact told at some time that he did not have one, this of course is not the case. i feel so very sad for him, he will miss his younger sibling and also the family dog. i will do my best for him of course but at present i do not know where to begin. at least he is safe and away from the constant troubles. i am ashamed of my daughter and wonder how she could be so cruel. well they say, what goes around etc. it would appear that few of my replies mentioned to talk to my daughter, im afraid that is never possible and she made it clear that i was not part of the family anymore. anyway thanks for all your comments and if there is any other information which would help me i would love to here from you. thanks, chrissy

Flickety is spot on. No social services could or would force a child of that age to live where he very clearly didn't want to be, short of locking him up.

There is a big risk of the child running off and getting into trouble by living rough or such. Far better to let them live with another reliable and safe relative.

Also, as you are doubtless aware, there are always two sides to consider. 14-year old boys cam be a handful and until you talk to your daughter you've only heard his side of the story. It's probably a good idea to try to speak to your daughter and try to listen and look at it from her point of view. That way at least you'll get a more balanced picture and she may feel you are acting in a supportive role if you offer to have him on a temporary basis.

I agree.

Surely if the grandson just walked out one day of his own free will and went to stay with his grandmother, it would be difficult for his mother to force him back.

Alternatively he could start staying over occasionally and gradually increase the frequency until he has, of his own free will moved in with his grandmother. He will be 16 in two years time and then can make his own decisions. At 14, if social services got involved they would be unlikely to force him back home if he told them why he made the move.

I suspect the best solution here os to do nothing official or get involved with courts or anything else but just let the boy make his own decisions and then support him.

Walk gently down this road you do not want to aggravate your daughter and make things worse.

I would first of all contact your daughter arrange to see her at a convenient time for her. Talk over the problems she may be having which you are unaware of and put the suggestion of the boy living with you, even if it is only on a temporary basis.

If your daughter will not allow this you could then move on to your sil, but you have to realize that you have no rights in law to take this child from his mother.

The father may be agreeable and should in the first instance talk this over with his wife if however she still will not allow the boy to leave the next stop would be to go to court. You would need to take legal advice because the courts will want good reasons for the boy to be taken from his mother.

The boy lives with his mother and it wouldn't be right for the father to just turn up one day and take his son away.This does create problems for your future relationship with your daughter.

Seek legal advice.

After reading your second post giving a more indepth account of the details I think the words Parental Rights may be the key for your DGSs father to have a big input as to the way this goes,can he not insist that his son (with the boys consent) move into your care and you be responsible for him I'm sure at 14 his wishes would be listened to if it went to a family court,and at 14 he can as others have said vote with his feet and just move in with you as you can prove that you have his fathers permission and he is well looked after.Hopefully after visiting his school and speaking to Pastoral Care you will have more information.

(sorry for typing errors - it's the heat!)

Would your daughter allow your grandson to live with you? If she will, then I can't see any reason why he shouldn't. It's what he wants and his dad agrees to it.

I would think (I don't know^) it would be up to the father to get the legal side sorted out. Wouldn't he have to get a residency order?(I think that's what it's called) Surely at the age y0ur GS is, the court would take his wishes into consideration.

You and the dad need to see a solicitor.

hi have read through all comments and realize i havent done a good job of explaining the situation, so i will start again.
about three or so years ago my daughter decided that she did not want me in her family, she had a boyfriend who is the father of the youngest child. at this time of writing it appears that the relationship has broken down. up till a few months ago i had no contact with my grandchildren, unless i had a chance meeting with one of them. it was on one of the chance meetings that i regained contact with the eldest grandchild, the boy of 14 years. it appeared that whilst i had sent them money for every birthday and christmas and cards that they never received them. during the past few months i was told by my grandson many things which appalled me. it was during this time that i got in touch with his father who was also very concerned about his son and the life he had at home. i might add that his father who has parental rights is in constant contact with his son and also myself. unfortunately the father is often away on buisness so cannot take full care of him. he has said that his son should be allowed to carry on his education where we both live. my daughter lives just around the corner so my grandson can come to me when things get too much. his father and my grandson both agree and wish to live with me for as long as needed. he is living in a house with no love as she only gives it to her daughters constantly running down my grandson saying the most cruel things. i have brought up 3 children and although i am 65years old i consider myself to be a young grandmother. my grandson is a calm young man who expresses himself very well. he is at the point where his education will suffer and his wellbeing is suffering if this is allowed to carry on. unfortunately my two granddaughters are being lead by their mother which although is usually the case as she is their mother but what she is teaching them is abuse to my way of thinking, only time will tell. i do not wish to get ss involved but would want to take on my grandson but do not know if one day she tells him to leave ,he will leave and come to me. how can i refuse him? i dont know what channels i can apply to, to be able to care for him legally. i really do need advice in this matter and hope to get a interview with my local CAB office in the very near future. there is no easy way as dialog with his mother (my daughter) is a no go. please help, chrissy ps i will try and get in touch with the school before term ends.

This is abuse and maybe you and your son should talk to his schools child protection officer. Every school has one - usually a deputy head or similar. It would be helpful for him/her to be aware and they will probably have come across this situation before. They will treat your information with great confidentiality. There are a few days left of term - maybe you could get an appointment before they close.
(I get the impression that there are quite a few 14-16 year olds that vote with their feet if they are abused at home and there is an alternative home on offer. Or even if there isn't)

As his dad has parental responsibility he is the one who should take action to get a residence order on his son. In theory he could then have the child live with you. All sort of questions here, is dad paying maintenance? Does either parent have a residence order? If no such legal arrangements have been made there is nothing to stop Dad just having him move in.

However it would be far better to sort these arrangement out by negotiating it properly with his mum. Or the lad could vote with his feet and move. Many dreadful legal wrangles have happened over things like this. What is more taking on a teenage boy may not be the easiest of tasks.
Your son should seek legal advice on this.

Terrible situation for the children to be in. Verbal abuse is awful and can make you feel as if you are being hit around the head - I do hope it is not that bad. If you, the father and your grandson are all of the same opinion has the mother been approached about this possibility?
It will still leave the question of the girls remaining in a less than ideal situation. Do you hear about them and how they are coping? Good luck.

Sorry chrissysbox I am a little confused but assume you mean your grandson lives with his sisters? Also is their mother your DIL?

What an awful situation for your grandchildren to be in. Assuming their father is your son, would it be possible for you to talk with him and suggest that your grandson might be better off with you and let him deal with the mother. I would take the line that you are thinking of ways to help the mother cope as "it must be very hard for her looking after three children alone" I kind of think you need her to think she is in control but you are desperate to help her.
Poor children. All three of them must be suffering if she is drinking every day, swearing and verbally abusing them. I do wish you good luck.