Helping/interfering!

They have to learn to do it for themselves; if they do get in a mess it will chivvy them up to be more efficient next time.

I was quite young when I married into the Forces. In those days we got an 'allotment' which we collected at the Post Office so that the wives always got part of their husband's salary when they were away as well as at home. Presumably it doesn't work like that any more, but it was a good idea to ensure that wives were never left without money.

If your DS is in the Army he will be getting a salary so they really need to sort this out themselves; they are young but they are both adults now - and they are parents who are responsible for a little one.

Buy a book of stamps and offer to post the letter. The email generation do not in my opinion have the gumption to keep envelopes and stamps in the house. They don't understand that not everything can be done on line and snail mail can be more efficient

It is hard, but sit back and let them learn. If they do get in a mess by all means help them sort it out but do not give them money. If necessary lend it to them, with an agreed repayment plan that they have to stick to, even if they are only paying you £25 a month.

It is what I did with my children and it worked. They are now both sensible and careful with money.

On the helping/interfering theme although not to do with money. My son recently moved into an Edwardian house which needed major refurbishment, and both sets of parents are keen to "help". However, my son has kept us all at arms length and very sensible he has been too I think. There is a fine line between Dad helping/ advising and trying to put his own ideas forward on what needs to be done and how it should be done.

The trouble now is that he (son) has done his back in from all the work he has been tackling and is wondering now if he should seek help from parents. Two sets of parents spell danger to me so I think we will continue to take a backward stance, but the other parents will have to tread a careful line I think.

I understand your frustration but as has been said you need to step back and allow them to become independent adults.

DD is very efficient with her paperwork, and has needed no prompting during her split from her ex. In fact she has chivvied me on more than one occasion when it comes to paperwork.

I agree with the others, you do need to let them make their own mistakes especially when you know if they really do fall flat on their faces you will be there to help them back up.

It can be hard to let go but we all have to do it. I suspect once they have fallen down a couple of times they will get their act together. We don't do our children any good when we take the responsibilities for them, they have to learn to do it themselves.

We help ours out but never with anything day to day which they should do for themselves, just extras as presents but they do know they could come to us if they needed to.

I get frustrated with DD3 not doing the things necessary to move on with her life since she and the Idiot split up. I know what she needs to do but have to keep quite and DH and I take turns at asking relevant questions

It's a grin and bear it situation, I think!!

I am like you, Jen. Since 44 year old DD1 and her 3 children were left in deep debt, of which she was previously unaware, by her controlling soon-to-be-ex husband (another in the 'idiot' category) I have helped financially and practically, but am sure that I worry far more than she does. I seem always to be reminding and chivvying. For example, before the marital home was sold she never did get round to applying for a reduction in Council tax despite my printing off the application form and putting it under her nose. There have been several more similar instances - I get so frustrated!
I do wonder whether knowing she has me to fall back on has spoilt her. I am trying to take a step back, but she has been so badly hurt that I just want to make it better! In fact she is regaining her self esteem and will get there I am sure.

jen67 you absolutely have to leave them to it, otherwise you are setting yourself up for a life time of "enabling" and bailing them out, and depriving them of learning how to be adults.

I hate the fact that both my children drive battered old (but mechanically looked after and sound) cars. I fantasise about buying them each a new car. I am desperately unhappy about the fact that my daughter at 36 has never managed to become a home owner and has rented since she left her childhood home, and I go nuts at the way her and her husband are exploited by their current landlord. But I stew about all of this in the privacy of my own mind! And then I take a deep breath and step back.

I agree with mishap but I probably wouldn't remind them about joint account or tax credits f they got into a pickle because they know about those already ... it's a bit like saying "I told you so" which would make my children see red.

Hmmm, thanks mishap.....it's hard tho isn't it because I don't like the thought of them going without or getting in a muddle, and we don't live close so it's not easy to nip around to help.perhaps I am a bit soft???

Well- in the end they have to sort it out for themselves. Frustrating to have to stand back and watch this inefficiency, but there is little else you can do. I don't think it is your job to "keep an eye" or to be lending them money - as long as they think they can fall back on you they have no incentive to take responsibility for their own finances. I should leave them to it, and if they get in a pickle, remind them about joint account, tax credit etc.

Take a deep breath and stand back.