Death of Former Husband

I am glad your DD has made a decision she is happy with glammanana . Due to his job My DS's fathers funeral was quite a large affair and it wouldn't have been possible to hang around at the end. I am sure you will be ready to pick up the pieces if DD (like my DS) wishes she hadn't have gone after all.

I know my DS visits his grave (although he has never told me) as a friend of mine who lives directly opposite the church yard where he is buried has seen him there a few times. I feel like going there myself one day and telling him what he has done to his lovely boy. Very very sad.

Thanks for the kind words ladies DD is feeling stronger to-day and has decided to go to the Chapel for the service when it is arranged and stay a wee bit longer when everyone has gone and pay her own respects I'm all in agreement with this it will put all the things she maybe wanted to say over many years to rest. Thanks again.

(Thanks, Tricia)

Horrible for your son gillybob. I wish you were right TriciaF in seeing someone's death as the time to 'bury the hatchet and forget all the negatives' but in some situations, that simply isn't possible. Unresolved feelings of anger, abandonment or betrayal for example can lead to those feelings being expressed destructively.
I feel for your daughter glammanana, and for you as you try to support her. As someone said on another thread today 'families' x

ps the 4th joke down on this page is a variation on the same theme:
www.awordinyoureye.com/jokes108thset.html

I'm not very good at telling jokes, it's from a book of yiddish jokes by Leo Rosten, which I've lost. It goes more like this:
Hymie is asked to eulogise his cousin, Harry, who had been a real bad lot. The whole family is at the funeral. He knows that a eulogy is meant to say something nice, but it's not easy with Harry. So he tries:
We're here today to send off our cousin Harry - sad to say, he never acknowledged or helped his children, he borrowed money from all of us and gambled it away, he was unfaithful to his wife, he didn't respect his parents, .........
Hymie tries to end on a positive note:
....... but beside his brother Maurice ...... He was an ANGEL!
Still not as good as in the book.

I don't get that joke, Tricia...

gillybob That is awful and very sad. It doesn't matter what age you are, feeling like you were of no significance to your father must be extremely hurtful.

Coolgran - on checking up I think you're right. The current wife is next of kin.
As to attending the funeral, I agree with Jing's post.
Someone's death is surely a time to bury the hatchet and forget all the negatives.
Reminds me of an old joke:
Someone was asked to give an eulogy at the funeral of a very unpleasant person. He said -
Yes , So&So did many things wrong in his life, but beside his brother, he was an ANGEL"

Actually I agree with you jings but if my son is anything to go by, Glammanana's DD might end up wishing she hadn't gone at all. My son went to his fathers funeral putting on a very brave ( nothing will hurt me) face. Deep down I suspect he was hoping that he would be acknowledged and maybe his father had thought if him over the years. Sadly the opposite was true. He had obviously told no one of my sons existence, including the latest wife (there have been several) and my son was devastated. Sitting listening to what a "wonderful" person his father was must have felt like torture. Because of the job he did I feel sure there must have been a will of some kind however he never contributed towards my sons welfare during his lifetime so we really didn't expect him to consider him after his death.

For the rest, I'm afraid you may have to rely on the will. sadly.

I think your daughter should go to her father's funeral, and sit at the front on the other side from the second family. Be really brave Glamma and go with her. Get there early. And don't feel you have to rush off afterwards.

How about a message back to her from DD to say that she intends to come to her father's funeral, though she will of course stay well away from the badtempered old bat his second wife. Second does imply a first!

How rude to send a message through the grandson! Dang if I'd let some mean woman tell me I can't go to my fathers funeral. The ole bat!

Sorry for an confusion the message was given to DGS1 from the wife and her sister,DD is having second thoughts about going as she doesn't feel her existence will be acknowledged similar to gillybobs son and I know this will just upset her more than she is.

TriciaF I could be wrong, but I think wife would be next of kin, not DD or her children. And therefore Solicitor who might have Will would only deal with the deceased's wife and/or executor if there is another named as such.

If DD wanted to enquire regarding the estate/Will (other than looking at the Will when it is on the Probate website) then DD would likely have to have her own solicitor to make contact with the solicitor acting on behalf of the estate.

Someone will soon correct this if I'm wrong.

My son did attend his fathers funeral. He kept the "dignified place at the back" but was extremely upset (distraught even) to be totally missed out when his father's colleague read the eulogy. My sons late father was a "much respected" officer in one of the services and there was a full guard of honour, not to mention an extremely large death in service payout etc. My son received nothing. Not even an acknowledgement of his existence. Which as we have always said was pretty much what his father contributed when he was alive.

So sorry to hear your story.
Anyone can attend a funeral...and although it might be a case of slipping in tactfully at the back...both you and your daughter (an anyone else for that matter) can attend.

As to any bequests, that is much more difficult unless her father wrote a will with specific bequests. If no one keeps you informed as to the Estate, anyone can go on line to the Government Probate website once it has been filed. Timing is difficult to predict but you can just go on-line once a week for a month or so and then when it appears you can (for a small fee) call for a copy to make sure any bequests have been properly dealt with.

Is it DGS1's opinion that she would be unwelcome and should keep away or has the wife stated this.

I can understand that she will be grieving but would she really object to the presence of her late husband's child at the service. I would think most people would accept this as a mark of respect let alone the right of a daughter to attend her fathers funeral.

Family feeling is a complicated thing and this is a sensitive time but I hope you mage to work out something that will meet everyone's needs

Of course, neither you nor your daughter wants to cause unpleasantness but I think it's perfectly natural for her to want to attend your former husband's funeral - and for you to support her, though keeping a low profile. He was her father and, even if their relationship was spasmodic (hardly surprising if he left when she was 18 months old), it is very cruel for anyone to say she should not attend. Presumably neither of you would wish to go to any after-funeral gathering.

I too was a bit confused as to why a grandson issued this instruction.

I am slightly puzzled as to why it is the DGS1 (?DD's son) who has banned her from the service. I have lost the plot a bit - sorry!

But I can see that there is a difficult balance to be struck between honouring your DD's wishes and not risking a bit of a hoohah at the ceremony. Very difficult.

It sounds like a difficult situation - I thought you were going to say that you might attend yourself. But surely your daughter should go and grandchildren should go (if they are old enough.) Just arrange to sit or stand at a distance from the widow.
If your daughter can find out the name of the solicitor he/she might help with the Will side of things, after all they are next of kin.
If my ex goes before me I'll try to go to the funeral, I know our children would be pleased if I did. I'm on sort of speaking terms with his 2nd wife.
I don't expect him to leave much, we were never wealthy!

glamma There may be a Letter of Wishes with the Will. I'm not sure how legally binding these are, but it's what my Aunt did and, as her Executor, I made sure that her wishes were carried out - basically it stated which piece of jewellery should go to whom.

I should have thought that she would be too busy grieving? Hardly the right thing to do is it to object to someone - daughter attending a funeral. Tell your daughter to keep a dignified silence.

Thanks for the reply whitewave so good of you to take the time to reply,yes I am certain anyone can attend but I don't want DD too upset if her Fathers wife makes her presence unwelcome infront of other people who don't know the full history.