Bailing out adult children

This is begining to sound like The Archers . Kate (Aldridge now Madikane) has tried to set up a business and is not properly capitalised. She keeps screwing money out of her parents and her wayward Aunt Lillian.

We had a similar problem with my husband's only daughter. She left a secure job for another which she wasn't suited to and she ended up leaving that one. My husband was paying all her bills, running into thousands of pounds. Her mother paid nothing and was totally unaware of the situation. It all came to a head one day when my husband couldn't afford his share of our household bills (we keep our finances separate, except for one joint account). Against the wishes of my husband, I made my stepdaughter's mother aware of the situation and suggested that if this was to continue they would have to take equal shares as I was not prepared to subsidise my stepdaughter just because she couldn't be bothered to work. His ex-wife had no desire to do that and shortly after that my stepdaughter got a job and started taking responsibility for her life.

Several years after that she got into debt through fraudulent means, and I told my husband that tough love was needed. My husband paid off the debt and the three of us worked out a plan for the money to be repaid to my husband. It looks like this worked as my stepdaughter now has her life back on track and appears to have taken responsibility for her own life and finances.

Thanks for the advice. husband already written the cheque..what more can I say...she winds him round his little finger !!!!

It also depends on how much money they are looking for. One months rent to get over a difficult patch is one thing, £10-20,000 asked for to 'see them through' is quite another.

Parity between children is essential, give them nothing if you cannot give an equal amount to all the other siblings. Nothing poisoned family relations more than one sibling thinking another is getting moneyfrom their parents when they do not.

If your daughter walked out of her well paid job to start her business when her husband was already unemployed that suggests to me such a lack of financial nous and strategic business thinking I would have thought the chances of her running a successful business were negligible anyway

At 40 and 49 they are mature adults and should not be looking tot their parents to bale them out when foreseeable problems occur. In the case of a totally unexpected and uninsurable disaster, yes, offer help, but otherwise I think they should work out their own salvation.

Both DS and DD have made their own way and done well for themselves, but there have been times for both when we have thought that maybe they could do with a bit of extra help and have offered it. It has always been turned down. When my s-i-l gave up his job to take on teacher training, without a grant of any kind and only DDs job supporting them, we, and SiL's parents, offered to help with their mortgage, but no. His father, who was wealthy, made the comment that you would have to hold a gun at their heads to make then take anything! They managed by the skin of their teeth. Now there is a possibility that DD's may not be as secure as she thought, and we will offer that help again if it is needed. We would bleed ourselves dry if there was the possibility they would lose their home.

I've helped my D out to the tune of a few grand over the years, as despite working she never has money. She doesn't drink or 'party' and has few possessions. It's always with the promise of paying it back when she can. Sadly that day never comes. Her and DGSx2 would have been on the streets if I hadn't regularly helped with her rent a couple of years ago She is currently living with us rent and expenses free (GS's with dad) as she just does not have the money to give me (minimum wage and travel expenses)
I think as my mum did if she needs it now she can have it rather than. me leave it in my will. Hopefully she won't need it by then.

I'd be having a stiff chat, I think. Your dd had a job, and walked out of it knowing that, as her dh is a contractor, his work is likely to be unstable.

Chances are her business will not be profitable for a good while yet; chances are that you'll be expected to bail her out once again when money runs short.

She sounds irresponsible. She's made her bed...she needs to lie on it imho.

We would always help ours out if it were necessary or if we felt it was in their long term interest i.e. enable them to get a better mortgage deal with a bigger deposit. However, I would think long and hard before helping them if they did contract work as that usually pays a lot better then normal employment and therefore they should understand that they need to put something away for when there is no work around.

I find it hard to believe that someone can be unemployed for 6 months if they really want to work and have the capability.

I do however suggest you think hard about how you would feel if it were your own child. Somehow it harder to be subjective about your own.

We paid one third of the cost of DS and DDiL's wedding. Her parents put in a third and so did the happy couple.

DD is a feminist and won't get married even though she had been with her partner for 18+ years. We gave them a lump sum towards their first flat and said that was her wedding money. She was happy with that.

Fortunately both couples are comfortably off in good jobs and with their own properties. If that was not so, I would be very tempted to help them financially. They will inherit what we leave anyway so to my mind it's as broad as it is long.

I've never really been in a position to help out with big expenses such as house deposits or such but I have always offered to help when I know they or the grandchildren are having a difficult time and I ask them to pay it back if/when they can and they always have its not been thousands of pounds but they know that I wouldn't hesitate to help them again if they pay me back. So it works for my family to do it this way.

In your position I think I would have a chat with them and see if they cannot 'tighten their belt' before you have to bail them out and only lend them money if they really can't pay a specific bill/rent payment. That way you will make it clear that you don't have a bottomless pit they can dip in to whenever they are cash strapped.

Cathmary I personally would not, especially as she walked out of a well paid job before her own was up and running. If you give her money now, when is it going to end? Would you be treated as a cash cow? Is her husband actively looking for a job? Could he look after her fledgling business while she looked for another job?

Ive helped my kids with money when theyve needed it, Ive always made sure they pay me back to, Ive drawn up a proper agreement and made sure that regular payments are made directly to my bank account. If the money they want to borrow is for trivialities ie holidays, meals out then I say no.

I had quite a similar situation with DD in that she was bemoaning the fact that they couldn't afford a holiday this year as SIL had some blank weeks in his work schedule. He is freelance.
However, their lifestyle is such that they live in an expensive rented house although he has a flat that lies empty (hers is at least rented out), they have 3 cars (one a Porsche!!!) and go out/eat out all the time.

She didn't actually ask directly for help, but I'm afraid her sob story fell on deaf ears!

If they were really in need it would have been a different matter of course but we're not here to encourage their wasteful luxury life-style.