Crying Poverty

How do you think people get rich? They do not spend their own money, but are happy to spend everyone else' money, that is how. They have a million hard luck stories to ensure their money stays under lock and key. I forgot my purse, I am over drawn, we have had a lot of expenses this month, we just had a big bill for car repairs, have a big energy bill to pay.....I have heard them all.

I think treating people to a nice meal out (or in) gives joy and happiness. Not to just them, to you to.

However, I would not take kindly to spongers who never invite you back, or never treat you back in some other way. They could always offer to take you shopping, cut the hedge, mow the lawn or something.....but they never do. Quite happy to accept every invitation but not big at coming forward when it comes to spending money.

It could be that if she comes from a background where there wasn't much money she is afraid to spend it.

She's not afraid to spend money, she's afraid to spend her own money, she's not afraid to spend her friends money.

If her background made her reluctant to be flash then she'ld decline the meals out and see her friends at other less expensive times, instead of going and fishing for poverty-sympathy so she gets a free pass

I know people who have money and are loathed to spend it because they've been poor in the past - they do NOT agree to expensive group meals! You might see them for a home made picnic or a home-made meal round theres but they pass on the restraunt meals!

It could be that if she comes from a background where there wasn't much money she is afraid to spend it. Having said that, she shouldn't be expecting others to pay for her when you go out. I would have a quiet talk with her and tell her how unfair you think she is being, that perhaps your other friends are on a tight budget and can ill afford to pay for her. If she still won't pay I would tell the rest of the group and then you could all make the decision whether to drop her from you get togethers.

She is not your friend, anymore than she is a friend of those who you go out for lunch or dinner with. You should take her to one side and tell her exactly that, adding that your loyalty to your other friends far outweighs your obligation to her by keeping that conversation confidential. You can then suggest she pays for everyone next time and never plead poverty again as you will expose her and her deception.

you're not being unreasonable, I also know someone with a comfortable lump in the bank through inheritance who talks about how broke she a lot is as if she is in actual poverty, when really, she has a massive safety net in the bank

It's an insult to people who are really struggling.

I wouldn't envy her at all if she was upfront and said "I'm not going to Xs meal out because I don't want to dip into savings in order to go" - fine! sensible! admirable even! but no, it's "OMG I SOO want to go but I just CAN'T I don't even know how I'll get to the end of the month" & invariably someone who doesn't know her so well will over to cover her share of the bill so that she can make it!

Glammanana. Thank you. You have put in words what I have been trying to tell myself. I have inherited as a result of caring for elderly and seriously ill parents. I went from benefits to sums of money I cant even comprehend. I am in ill heath and my DCs are not very pleasant. I have been thinking of making myself comfortable rather than passing on the inheritance. I find it so hard to be selfish

Your friend should not allow others to pay for her if she is actually well off. If she doesn't want to cough up she should stay at home.

Nonetheless, I think as a general point there is too much envy and resentment of what others have in the world today. Some splurge and others save. Some have greater commitments that their friends might not know about. Some wish to spend every penny before they die and others want to help their relatives with bequests. Some work harder than others to gain more and some are just plain lucky.

The wants, needs, income and expenditure of others is no one else's business except in particular instances like this where the lady in question is taking her friends for a ride.

I am the object of envy and resentment by a relation who was less hardworking and less prudent than I am. She persists in believing in an imagined world where I have been 'given' everything I have and have been luckier than she was when in fact we are from the same stable and started from the same financial place.

She played about with McJobs and unfulfillable, ambitious dreams for the seven years in which I was working and paying into my pension. She is a spendthrift and courts debt where I have gone without to reduce finacial obligations. She had more children than me and doesn't see how much of a drain they are on her finances and that she really coudn't afford to have more than two. She has refused to take sound financial advice on two occasions which have cost her about, I reckon, £100,000.

Her resentment has made me miserable on many occasions and this is why I say that we should not condemn others for their financial situation. In this case it is the envious one who is in the wrong for inflicting pain unfairly.

Why are you still having lunch with her? Arrange a really special lunch somewhere quite expensive and send her a message saying what you are doing, explaining that you won't bother to ask her because you know she can't afford it. Carry on booking other lunches sending the same message until she gets it, and either drops out completely or tells you she will pay.

Think about what the other friends are going to think when they realise they have been duped all this time and you knew about it. Time to speak up. Slip the information to one of the others that should do the trick. What if they already know and like you are keeping her secret.

She is not your friend get ride of her she is taking the p***.

How dare she think she can sponge off you and then boast how ell off she is. Who needs her friendship.

This sort of thing really makes me mad Vicky. I volunteer for the local credit union and see people who really have nothing and have to use our food bank to feed their children and themselves. So when I come across this sort of deceit I wouldn't be as patient as you, I would just have to say something. Don't think you are being at all unreasonable - your friend is.

If she allows friends to pay for her share when she's hoarding money, then she's not a friend to any of them.

Tell her to pay up her share in no uncertain words. But speak to her beforehand.

How about arranging another group lunch ...and then ALL of you discovering you have no money .......and ask her if she could pay 'just this once' .....either she does or you end up doing the collective washing up (of course you will have money in your purses, but she has bee deceitful so you can be too ......

I agree with those who say she should be outed - there must be a funny way of doing it, but I can't think of anything humorous this morning....

One gives them a verbal kick up the arse?

The LOVE of money is the root of all evil - thus saith St. Paul...

Yes, I agree - but people's perception of "poverty" is relative. I know we are comfortably off, but our DD whose joint income with that of her DH is nearly 3x DH's pension, pleads poverty. Her brother, who earns a little more than our pensoin [I don't get any, having been a kept woman] refuses our occasional offers of help. How does one square the circle?

Has this not ever been so. I'm surrounded by golfers who take expensive golfing holidays, have large houses with what they are pleased to call 'acreage', moan about having to pay tax and are delighted when they think they have duped the tax man. moan about scroungers on benefits and discuss their Lidl purchases at length especially the alcohol. Yawn Yawn.

Expecting others to pay for her share of meals when she has money in the bank is the lowest of the low. She should take everybody out for a slap up meal and pay for the lot.

When I was a new mother, down to one income, and getting by, I had a friend in a similar situation, who was always saying how little money they had - but every weekend they would fill the car with petrol and drive from Reading to Brighton or South Wales to go for long walks and then bought a large dog, which cost a fortune to feed, to accompany them on these walks.

Small beer compared with some tales, but I can still remember how it used to irritate ma ( and most of the others in our group).

no you are not being unreasonable, it is your friend who is.Tell her that it's not fair that others pay for her meals/treats when she has money in the bank.How can anyone who calls themselves a friend act like that?

It drives me insane. I used to work with someone who was always complaining that she struggled financially. She earned £40K a year and her husband had retired with a substantial pension. Every year they had a four week holiday ....a cruise.....China.....lots of exotic places. Also she would go away for week long breaks at the drop of a hat.

I would have loved her level of poverty but I was stuck with mine lol.

Yes, it does seem strange that both seem to be quite unfazed by carrying on their deceit under your very nose, as it were, vickymeldrew!

How can either of them look you in the eye?

I'd hate to think my mum had gone short just to leave me money, how sad.
Frustrating for you knowing she's being deceitful too.

tell her in no uncertain terms that she is abusing the kindness of her friends and it has to stop, she should hang her head in shame at deceiving her friends

vickymeldrew I would tend to feel sorry for your friend rather than think you are being unreasonable,sorry for the fact she has not got the confidence to treat herself to the comfort that an inheritance can bring to her life is she possibly looking to pass it on to others in her family,as for your friends two sons may I say we all like to build up our childrens achievements don't we I have done it myself at times just part of being a mum I think.