Crying Poverty

She does some paid acting and paid publishing work and moans about how badly paid and thin on the ground the work is but of course she couldn't possibly do anything mundane but better paid.

^ this is exactly how you tell the real poverty from the crying wolf poverty!

I hate when people complain about work being thin on the ground yet when you try to be helpful and suggst "I have a friend who does property manangement and pays well for deep cleans" or "my neighbour works for a care agency that doesn't mess her around, do you want the number" or "x factory does good rates for Christmas packing tempers and they keep on the good workers" they are MORTALLY OFFENDED that you would suggest they do anything except get paid to be "creative"

People who are really struggling say "that would be great, I'll look into it"

Thank you for all your thoughful comments. Will take advice on board. I feel so much better now that I've vented my spleen ! Love Gransnet x

I just spent a few days with someone like this, I refuse to call her friend. She's always pleading poverty but has three houses which she rents out and she lives on the most expensive, organic faddy foods.

She's an old work colleague of DH. We foolishly agreed to join her at her holiday house to help her gather a crop. Straight away we were endlessly told how broke she was. She insisted we go shopping and managed to get DH to pay for nearly all of it. The last straw for me was her slipping in a £10 jar of organic jam into the bag of goods DH was paying for. Hes a meek idiot and just paid up. I said something and gosh she resented it.

She does some paid acting and paid publishing work and moans about how badly paid and thin on the ground the work is but of course she couldn't possibly do anything mundane but better paid. Grr, I hate the woman.

She definitely should be paying her way! And she may well be a sponger.You and the others should level with her.

But is she on her own? Might she be on a very small pension?(and if so, is that the reason you all started paying for her in the first place?) Does she feel as a result she has to keep this money intact to invest for extra income? Her sons may be doing OK - but that does not mean they have helped her at all when times were bad.

Sometimes if people have had to go without for a long time then spending money when it does come can be a scary thing.She may also feel, as she herself has received an inheritance, that she has a duty to pass one on to the next generation.

But she should not be taking advantage of all of you if her circumstances have changed.

This hideous woman is no friend, she is simply a sponger. I think you have been very patient with her, after "dining out" with her once or twice - and her having pulled a stunt like this - I would never go again!

Being unwilling or afraid to spend your own money is understandable, but spending other people's money as they subsidise your dining out is not acceptable. For all this person knows, the other members of the group may be going without in order to help her. Disgusting behaviour, and not to be tolerated. Take her aside and tactfully but forcefully tell her how you feel, before you get so resentful that it all comes out in a blurt and there is no going back. Give her one chance to change.

vickymeldrew I have a personal rule that if I cant afford an expensive group meal out, I don't go. Your friend (as others have said in different ways) is committing a fraud or scrounging off her friends.

I learnt early to live within my means and not expect others to take responsibility for myself. I find you don't resent others incomes or visible financial success because you have power over your own choices.

I don't approve of her taking advantage of others at all.
However, I am paranoid about money myself. We were desperately poor when I was young and I remember going to bed in woollies and meals that didn't fill me up. Being numb with cold in the winter and thinking I would never be warm again. It has made me completely paranoid so even though my business isn't going too badly at the moment, I am terrified of another recession. I have savings equal to many months of salary but I am too scared to spend it. The fear of being cold again can be overwhelming.

I do have some sympathy with people who feel so insecure that they hoard money and are scared to spend it on themselves or anyone else.

What I find extremely annoying is people who plead poverty when they should be contributing to a meal, a present, etc., but who seem quite relaxed about spending money on themselves. I think most people are above board and decent. I can only recall one work colleague who was devious in that way. I got caught out by her a few times before I declined all invitations to go out for drinks or a meal.

I think it is wrong to go to a restaurant and expect other people to chip in, even if you are hard up. If you are not hard up, it is reprehensible. I am happy to pay for lunch or drinks for a close friend who I know is having a hard time financially, but that is between me and the friend. I think it would be quite wrong of a person to accept an invitation to a group meal or event and then accept the contributions of people who may not be that flush themselves.

What people choose to tell you about their finances often has nothing to do with the truth. Some will 'cry poverty' when they have plenty. Others will make out they are well off and 'talk themselves up'.

But everyone has financial choices to make (unless very rich) on what we do with our own money. Your 'friend' needs either pay her way or decide to leave her money in the bank and not go out to lunch. She can't have it both ways and I don't feel that you and the other ladies are helping her or yourselves by letting her get away with it. She needs to live in the real world with the rest of us.

I think you need to have a quiet word and tell her you expect her to pay her way and the next meal. If she doesn't agree tell her you will tell the others. This will give her a chance to make good. TBH if you loose her friendship over this I don't think you have lost very much. Your friendship should mean more to her than a few pounds.

Theirs one born every minute.

Do unto others as they will do to you

But do it first

Possibly your friend feels the savings are not really 'hers' and that she is not entitled to spend that money as she did nothing to earn it.
She may be feeling uncomfortable about having friends pay for her yet doesn't know how to break the cycle. That could be why she has mentioned it to you, in hopes of making a start.

Having savings but only wanting to live within one's income is fine.
Sponging off others, in order to do so, is not fine.

You often read of people dying after living in abject poverty but leaving a fortune. Usually to someone they had little to do with. It is a mental health issue as it completely irrational and unfair to sponge of others that have little. They must have very mean personalities as it is all about them. My cousin was the same never put her hand in her pocket, house unheated, when her kettle went she wouldn't buy a new one. She was worth a lot but loved the noughts in her bank books, in the end everyone left her to it, there was no joy in her.

There are people I know who are very comfortable financially but say 'I can't afford to do that' when what they actually mean is I choose not to spend my money on that (which is fine). It is galling when you know people 'have plenty of dosh in the bank' but plead poverty.

I don't know how the deceitful cow has the cheek to let the other friends pay for her! I'm surprised the food doesn't choke her. If I couldn't afford to go out for a meal I wouldn't go, I certainly wouldn't let everyone club together to pay for me. Well maybe on one occasion if I was in dire straits, but certainly not regularly. I wouldn't want to go out with a friend who did that, and would feel really awkward knowing the others are clubbing together to pay for her meal and are unaware she has plenty of money. I agree with other commenters, speak to her on her own and say you think it is unfair and she needs to let the others know she is in a better position financially now and does not need them to pay for her meal. However, I still don't think I'd want to be friends with her after what she has done.

I feel that some people's idea of poverty is different to others. Mine is when you cant pay your rent or mortgage, put food on the table or shoes on your children's feet, have no heating as no money to pay for it. Others think they are poor if they dont go on holiday, have the latest clothes and gadgets, drive the flashiest car and cant shop at Waitrose!!!!

My BIL and SIL spent decades pleading poverty, even when they were taking 5 or 6 foreign holidays a year, when he boasted he had started earning in a high tax bracket, and then had a company car.
They carried on telling the family that they could not afford to buy a house [they had been bequeathed three houses over the years, probably because he kept saying they were so poor, and a wood, all sold for more than 6 figures - but he told me that his credit card bill was rather in excess of 6 figures!]
Finally, when he claimed he was too old for a mortgage and I looked for one and found one for him [!] he gave up lying and demanding.
They have just found a house further north for almost £200,000 and moved there, and only then told us they paid for it and the renovations in cash...
So their definition of poverty is a little different to mine.
I am annoyed I was so gullible over all these years, so I am sort-of glad dh had such a huge row we are no longer officially "speaking", even though I am still 'friends' with him and his children on face book.
That's them crossed off the Christmas present list!

How does she know that the others in the group arent struggling to pay her share ?

She is no friend

notanan If you read the rest of my post you will see that I hold the same view as you. I was merely suggesting a reason why she won't spend her money - not agreeing with her sponging off her friends.

This person is taking the proverbial with you, and lying to the others. Do not tolerate this! I have known people who plead poverty but have stonking great bank balances and savings and that's why - they are always getting others to pay. If she feels she 'cannot afford' to pay for a lunch then she shouldn't come - not twice, anyway! Unload this freeloader - it might do her some good and get her thinking, but I doubt it, she will be looking for someone else to sponge off very quickly I suspect.

How did this process of everyone paying for your friend start? however it started once started it clearly gives her a sense of being 'worth while' because her friends are 'happy' to pay for her. If this system was already in place when she confided in you I wonder if she did so in order to get your help in stopping the process.

It might be helpful if you told her that from the new year you would not be making a contribution to her meal as you know she can. You might even say you feel that you would prefer to donate the contribution to a local food bank etc. You could then go on to suggest that when the others offer to pay next time, she should tell them that her finances have improved and she is grateful etc. You can then lead the response by saying how glad you are that things have sorted themselves out for her.

Good luck with this.

She is no friend to you or the others, just a lying toe rag. Friends nearly always help out when some one is hard up but to lie about it is another thing. I would simply shame her in front of everyone and then drop her.

I wouldn't dream of going out to lunch & expect others to pay for me, no money, no meal out simples

I would have serious words with your "friend", not about her savings as that is her business BUT about her expecting others to pay for her lunches out.

My neighbour inherited a large sum of money from the elderly gentleman who had owned my home (she was his "carer"). He lived a frugal life but she has gone on a "spend,spend,spend" & is now as she put it "down to her last penny". Her business not mine, she is the most generous person I know & would give you her last penny.

My DM & Step-father took out Equity Release on their home, it has made life more comfortable & in consequence myself & DD are unlikely to inherit much but I am happier that they have not had to struggle with bills & afford little treats