No discussion

I'm with bluebell.... I had forty years of my husbands control and at 62 I decided to take back my life. I retired ... took control of my old age pension ( which he wanted me to hand to him and he would return £25 a week as 'pocket money' . I thought "No" enough is enough. Thought is father to the deed Diddy1 and I then said"NO" . He screamed..he threatened... he stamped his feet ( I kid you not) . I thought he was gonna blow a gasket!! I stood my ground even as he was calling me every kind of vile name you can think of!! Then he went into his default position which has always been to sulk like a five year old!! I stood my ground even when he didn't speak one word for five days ... I stood my ground. Finially he accepted what he couldn't change and the war has been over since that day to this . I cook when I feel like it... I get pizza when I feel like it... I go where and when I want... without his OK. He's like a pussy cat and all it took was me saying'NO' to him. Some men need to learn lessons their mothers forget to teach them, that's all. Get the job done Diddy1... and don't look back to see any upset ou might cause. It's not your mess...but his!

"when he gets REALLY furious, and it is often frightening to be honest."
Funnily enough I read something yesterday so your phrasing hit a cord. You might like to read it and ask yourself if this is the life you wish to live:
www.telegraph.co.uk/women/life/coercive-control-how-can-you-tell-whether-your-partner-is-emotio/

Good grief! I'd been sorely tempted to chuck HIS choices down the toilet......Yes, he's a first class control freak.

Stop this before it starts!

Why don't you sit down at the start of the week and plan your meals together. Take turns to suggest something. A meal can often be adapted to suit both of you. If your husband has always been a CF then you risk an escalation if he feels threatened. Try a gentle approach first and make him see that your ideas and wants are important too.

Well done Diddy - let us know how it goes. You never know he might find he actually enjoys having you do some of the choosing!

Thank you ladies, I will certainly be more assertive, as one lady said, I have been rewarding bad behaviour, and he has learnt it works to get his own way, everything you have all said it very true, he is of course a BULLY, and now at 75 I think I have a right to get MY way from now on, thank you G Netters, I feel much better now.

We have friends where most of the time she cooks particularly as he works odd hours from day to day. When they are on holiday they go mainly self catering and he takes over the cooking as he loves doing it - but they shop together and decide what they are having. Works well and she gets a rest from the kitchen!

I have some understanding of this as my husband is a control freak too, though not about food. It can be extremely difficult to live with someone who thinks his way is right and everyone else is wrong. I'm still with him after 40 years because, despite everything, I love him but it can be very difficult at times.

However, it would be a different story if he frightened me. Infuriates and exasperates me, yes, frequently....but you can't go through life being scared of your own husband. At the very least, please think about getting legal advice and/or counselling.

It's UDI time for you. My DH was/is exactly the same. A year ago I TOLD him I was eating WHAT I wanted WHEN I wanted it. To a greater or lesser extent it has worked out. A few early glitches when he moaned about everything which I ignored. You have to be strong minded. I plan out a few days or week at a time and make sure there's that food in. I always make sure the kitchen is tidy ready for him to do his thing. Don't let him do this to you.

Ingejones. You do the cooking but surely you must take into account what the people you are cooking for like to eat. My husband has taken on the role as cook in our house but if he wants to eat something I don't like, we have a discussion and I decide what I want, often cooking it myself but sharing the parts of what he has cooked I like.

Diddy DH loosing his temper and frightening you is another matter, Bullying. He has learnt this is a behavior that works to get his own way.You must walk away and ignore him, go out. Make it clear you will not tolerated this behaviour and he will not get what he wants by doing it. You have been rewarding bad behaviour and you have to find a way of challenging him or persuading him to get help.

Enjoying your egg and chips is the first step.

I was not sure why this is under 'Legal and Money' then I read the sentence when he gets REALLY furious, and it is often frightening to be honest. I should have heard warning bells, a few years after I had met him - quite honestly, the longer you stay the worse it may get.

You can try just ignoring what he has put out (presumably if he takes the food out of the freezer he also cooks the meal in the evening) and cook something for yourself. Perhaps he may realise that you will no longer be a doormat and may change his attitude. Bullies sometimes back down if someone stands up to them but as long as they can carry on bullying and controlling a victim they will.

Good luck.
We often have different meals - but often on the same theme iyswim, so the same veg but he may have chips (I don't) and he may have meat and I would have fish.

From past experience, gladly it's over now because I realised I was as much to blame as him. People only control you because you allow them to. If you are not happy with things as they are, then refuse to participate. It might cause a row, but so what? Good luck, however you decide to tackle your problem.

I do all the cooking asDH is not much good at it - if I am incapacitated in any way he does his best under direction and something easy. However we shop together and he does choose things - we usually agree anyway and we are both up for trying new things. There are a couple of things he loves but I am not keen on - roast turkey leg and breast of lamb - I did the latter last night but gave it all to him as we had eaten at lunchtime so I had more of a snack. The turkey I do eat a small amount of. I like prawns and he is not keen so I make the cocktail sauce to go on them and he is quite happy!
I have to say that I do feel lucky as he is so appreciative of all I make for him to eat and he does say when he loves it but is gentle with any criticism. I also have a son who never left the table without saying thank you - and I notice he does the same to his wife. My father was the same and I notice that DGS always says to DD - non of them were told or taught to do it.

Can't help thinking that this is just bullying. You write that you are afraid of him and that is how bullies operate, he probably won't explode, but he might and that possibility is enough for you to bow to his wishes. I wonder if this level of control extends to other areas of your life?

I'm with Kim19. Being afraid of your DH is just not on! Stand up to him. He's a bully. Bullies usually back down when confronted. Good luck!

In a way this doesn't sound as control-freaky to me as it does to some other members. The husband here does the cooking right? Well in my house I do the cooking and because of that I select the ingredients, just as this husband does. I do bear in mind my husband's tastes, but I actually decide what's on the table each day. I have never thought of that as controlling him, just part of the role of being the household cook. So if this poster said "I'd like to cook on one day of each week" it's possible he'd assume that she would be choosing the menu and leave her to it.

If you want to find out more there is a book called Why Does He Do That. You might find it helpful in this situation.

I like your idea of just choosing what you want for your dinner regardless op but maybe consider having a regular DIY tea - you cook yours and he does his.

I was married to a control freak for 18 years, and it was a miserable life. As soon as the kids were in their teens I took them and myself out of the situation. He was mad jealous too, and had a violent temper. Best thing I did was to leave, and should have done earlier. Of course I am not suggesting it would be appropriate for everyone. Life is for enjoying lovey x

Life is far too short to be unhappy and to let someone control you, we are all free to have our own choices and we all deserve respect if we show that to others. You are clearly frustrated with your life, so everyday you should take back control a bit at a time, and learn to say NO.

How long have you let him get away with this? You really must take a stand and insist that your opinions matter too. Perhaps if you've never questioned him he doesn't realise what he's doing.

Hello Diddy1. I was going to verbalise my tuppenceworth rather on the lines of the others until I read 'it is often frightening' in your script. Complete change in my tack.....anyone who ever causes me to be afraid in my life has no place there. Dramatic but true. Sorry and good luck.

Ladies,thank you for your advice, from now on even if it means making two meals I am going to try, and have what I want, then I can cook, he takes over that part too. Many say why do I let him control me, he has always been like this but worse with age, used to getting hiw own way because sometimes it is better than arguments, when he gets REALLY furious, and it is often frightening to be honest. I should have heard warning bells, a few years after I had met him, after my Husband died, a friend of his ex, who I know too said "now K---- can do as she wants" I know what she meant. From now on I shall make the meals I like. I must add, my Husband is Swedish and we live in Sweden I think he thinks the things I like are too simple, I like macaroni cheese, shepherds pie, maybe even just egg and chips, ok they arent exclusive, but when you dont get them they become very exclusive. Must get on with my egg and chips while DH is out for the evening!

Does he cook it as well or are you expected to do it? It's not clear. My Oh does the cooking as I'm veggie and he isn't so he knows he won't get any meat unless he cooks. He does ask me what I'd like and makes suggestions though beforehand so if he's having baked potato with his meal he'll make me one with cheese or spicy beans or whatever. Suits me. I wouldn't go along with your OHs controlling though. Can't you just say "I fancy...." whatever and make it yourself?

Does he do the shopping? If not then buy the food you like as well as the food he likes.

I agree with others that you must stand up to him. How about one morning when he gets the food out for the evening, just tell him that you don't fancy that but if he wants it, he can cook it and you are off out for a meal in the local pub/restaurant.

DH after retirement took over the shopping and does have an awful tendency to buy only the food he likes- kidney, mince,steak. He hates me shopping as I spend according to him, as if money grows on trees. I refuse to cook poor quality food so I've taken to encouraging him to go to our local farm shop rather than Tesco reduced counter. It's been a long struggle . Rubbish food which he buys I cook straight away and tend to add stuff to it which I know he doesn't like. Not devious me oh no.