No discussion

For forty years I asked my DH what he wanted for dinner and every time he annoyingly said , 'anything , I'm not bothered '.
We retired, and slowly he took over the cooking , until one day he asked me what I fancied for dinner and I took great delight in saying 'anything , I'm not bothered'.
I love him to bits , and he really is a wonderful cook ,but the look on his face was priceless, and worth waiting over forty years for , when he finally got it .

In the time I've been on GN I've realised that I don't want to reach retirement and discover I'm in an unhappy marriage. We're OK at the moment, but we do go through rough patches. Maybe one of those times will be the last straw, but either way I wouldn't stay if I was scared of my DH in any way. I may be scared or worried about how I would manage financially on my own or because of my health issues, but never frightened.

What I would be scared of is finding myself stuck with someone I should have left years ago and he's got some form of dementia. Take note Diddy1.

Coco51 you seem to be in a similar position to Diddy. Your partner controls you but is more subtle hiding his control under the guise of looking after you and being solicitous for your welfare, That is known as passive aggression and his tactics probably includes emotional blackmail.

Diddy1 my husband does all the cooking in our house but we always discuss what we will be eating, if I don't like what he's cooking then he cooks me something else. Do you tell your controlling husband that you do not want what he's having? If not why not? You say he's used to getting his own way, well tough, it's about time you got your own way. Why don't you go shopping without him, buy things you would like to eat and cook for yourself that way you would both get what you want.
I do hope for your sake that you get this sorted. Good luck with solving this problem.

I have always cooked different meals for my husband and myself, and also for my sons when they were at home....2 vegetarians and 2 meat eaters.

No problem.

I am beginning to feel like a lucky woman. How have you survived 40 years with so many food differences? If you have children, how did you cope with feeding 3,4 or 5 people?

Surely there are dishes that you both like? Concentrate on those and maybe once or twice a week do your own thing. It doesn't augur well for the next 20 years if you are still so diverse in your preferences.

It is surely about compromise. I love salads, my husband hates them, but he will have one a week. He loves liver, I hate it, so he chooses that when we eat out. But most foods we share, thouhg he has white rice and me brown, or chips to my baked potato.

Compromise.

Meg

Imo, this isn't just about meals. If you're scared of the man, maybe it's time to leave or at least, start thinking about it. And please, get some counseling.

Diddy you must have our version of Women's Aid in Sweden. You are in domestic abuse. You need to get out
Take it from one who has been there and got out. Please get out. Your further postings about him being frightening says it all. You don't have to be to live like that not shouldn't. Domestic abuse is about emotional controlling behaviour NOT just physical violence

Tell him! Hell's bells, you need to put your foot down! Why should you have to eat what he wants you to eat? Why are you not eating what you want to eat? What a ridiculous situation. Sorry, this annoyed me. Change it and change it now!

Oh dear Diddyl it sounds horrible being married to a control freak, or bully as is the correct term.
If you can, I'd suggest that you politely but firmly say that you don't fancy what he has put out for dinner, saying, "Well, I'm having ... instead."
Just say that you want something different for a change and do this maybe once a week at first. Then try to initiate a proper discussion. Tell him he's being too controlling.

Oh how I sympathise! True I do have a disability and a wonderful supportive partner, but he does tend to micro-manage me. I get meals when I'm not hungry and his choice of snacks, and he does get so hurt when I can't eat or don't like what he has cooked for me. He 'tidies up' around me and either forgets where he has put the things I want to use, or puts them in inaccessible places so that by the time I've shifted various obstacles, I'm in no condition to do what I wanted to do. Sometimes I just feel like crying because his 'help' makes life so difficult - and explaining makes no difference.

Diddy when DH retired last year I ceremoniously handed the kitchen over to him.
So DH now does the same as your DH .

I have no problem with this as I had for the previous 35 yrs (apart from w/ends) done all the the food shopping and cooking.
So now I just make bread a la GN and bake when the mood takes me.

My biggest bug bear was being woken up at 7 o'clock in the morning with
"And what do you think we should have for tea tonight"?
Grr!

All this talk of food. I've been on a 'juice only' diet for a week and the first thing I'm going to have when I finish is egg and chips! Back to the discussion. He is only a bully because you have been weak, Diddy1. Tell him you will choose the meals for half the week or he will have to cook for himself every day. Ask him what he will do about it if he doesn't like it. If he threatens violent, say you will call the police and have him charged with assault.

Can you say that you want to eat something different yourself and leave him to cook his own while you have your egg and chips?

If not and you really are frightened, perhaps it is time to rethink the relationship. No one should fear another person they live with.

Bez1989 I'm afraid your opinion is wrong. Unfortunately too many women are still bullied into subservience. Even in this day and age.

Hmm mm. ....is this a wind up ???

In this day and age women are just not that subservient....in my opinion anyway.

If true.....just get out what you want and do 2 meals. End of.

Well get something out for yourself then. Youcan make a decision the more you let him do it he will.
I am sorry but I don't understand why you can't say something you can't let him control you.

Compromise and negotiation are always the best way out of any situation like this - providing the compromise and negotiation is on both sides.

What struck a chord with me Diddy1 is where you say you allow yourself to be controlled sometimes to avoid arguments. I do that too, mostly I see it as making valid compromises in the interests of living with someone, but my other half is a different personality and sees it more as win and lose and its important to him to be on the winning side. I do find putting my foot down hard and provoking a stand-off unhelpful because its then a very clear win and lose scenario. Subtle methods I think work better. So for example I have gone dairy free, he doesnt believe in it, therefore we cook ourselves different meals when dairy is involved and eat together when it isnt. There is no stand off and I get to eat what I want frequently enough.

My husband enjoys cooking and he is in control of what we eat. However he knows I like plainer food so he often offers me something different. To be honest I'm delighted that he cares enough to do the cooking. In your case why don't you suggest you cook a couple of days a week, and you will decide what to make? He can't be that unreasonable that he'd refuse.

Saggi I recognise what you are saying. My father was a violent bully towards me until I was 16 and kicked him as he approached to beat me up and I said if he touched me again I'd have him prosecuted for assault. He didn't speak to me for a couple of days but after that we got on really well.

Why are you with someone who frightens you.
Easy to say I know, but your a along time dead. A life is for living

How about getting the food out of freezer night before or just do a batch cook of things YOU like put in freezer and he can cook what he wants! I personally don't know how you've put up with it..If he's like this about food what else is he a control freak about???

Oooops, you did say you'd had years of this, decades in fact. I could not have lived like that, not for any length of time, certainly not for forty YEARS!!

Saggi Very, very well done. Your retirement pension is yours, paid into your own account for your use. I could not live like that. Being given 'pocket money' and having the most of your own money taken off you? No way!

You sound as if you've had years of this kind of thing? I could not live with it.

DH and I each have our own pensions and annuity income. We both pay into a joint account which covers all the bills and most of the car expenses.