What to do

First! You need to not let on that you are looking into things or seeking advice until you have your ducks in a row! DO NOT GIVE HIM A HEAD START.

Second: most solicitors will do am hour free consultation. Go onto the law society website (NOT on a device your husband had access to) and search for local family law/divorce specialists.

3. Be careful. All kinds of abuse ramps up when a women is planning to leave. Repeat step 1. Act as if its business as usual until you have decided what to do. And if you have decided to leave: dont discuss it with him until you are already out!

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I didn't like to say that but thought it.

I would be very worried if DH took out a large life insurance policy on me and didn't tell me.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Why would you choose this life? s
Start with Citizens Advice Bureau and break free and get what you are entitled to.
I would rather be poor and free. This man sounds horrible.

This all sounds very unsettling. I would start doing some research and talk photos of bank statements, other investment details etc. I would also query why he has chosen to insure you life for that amount of money when he is in no way dependant on you. Can you not get some support from your children?

Lupin I have real sympathy for your plight, but you haven't helped yourself have you by giving way to your DH so much.

I think the best thing to do now is get yourself to a solicitor as soon as possible, clutching a copy of the document the IFA sent you. If you feel you are not up to coping with holding your own against your husband, start being underhand, I am sure with a bit of thought, you can find ways of deceiving him - as you did with the ordering the financial summary - and find other ways to obtain information, or spending money without him knowing exactly what you are about.

3 of the older children have lived abroad for years. One lives some way off. Youngest lives in same town as she was young enough to move here while she was at uni. Met partner here. My beautiful youngest DGD we look after one day a week and she keeps me going.

Thanks for your replies. M0nica 8 times as much refers to the value of his assets compared to my assets, not monthly income. He has several pensions and is currently drawing down on his last occupational pension so we living on quite a healthy income each month which covers holidays too. This does NOT include his untouched private pension which is the big one. All monies go into our joint current account. I am very mindful not to incur his wrath so spend carefully. He has his own current account. I have no idea how much is in that.

I have not had a current account of my own since 1982. I have not had my own credit card either since then, nor have I ever had car insurance ever in my name (been driving 37 years) as I’ve always been a co-whatever. 4 years ago he sold my car (was actually purchased in my name) and bought our daughter one thus diminishing me even further as he said (somewhat truthfully) we only needed one as he nearly always worked from home. He never liked me working and made it as hard as possible with childcare issues and doing as little as he possibly could (including our own one). I am probably seen as a bad risk as I’m completely invisible with nothing to my name by credit ratings companies. I have recently found out he has taken out a life assurance policy on my life for £200,000 which is costing £35 a month since I was 60. I had no idea until I found a letter carelessly put aside by him. He usually has everything paperless and shreds anything else. I haven’t brought it up with him. Despite the fact that if I died I have very little in assets he could benefit from. Btw, I haven’t got one on his life. He also has stocks in the last 2 companies he worked for - no idea about these.

I only know our current situation as I plucked up the courage to phone our IFA to send a statement of our consolidated finances as I’d not seen them in a long time. Husband, I could tell, was furious we’d been sent portfolio but he doesn’t know I actually requested this.

GagaJo nice try but impossible in my situation to put anything aside.

I assume when you talk about him leaving his pension to his children you mean that he has a SIPP pension where he has a lot of money invested in a pension fund overwhich he has full control and that he has not chosen yet to draw down any of that money to provide an income.

In a divorce he would be forced to either sell and give to you 50% of the value of this fund or pass half the assets to you, which I suspect would be enough for you to buy your own small property where you want to live. That is on top of half the income from his income paying pensions.

Sadly there are a lot of men out there who think like he does. I do not think you have much to worry about him employing expensive solicitors. You say his monthly income is 8 times yours, so that means it is worth about £1,500 a month, a very comfortable pension, but not a figure you can play ducks and rakes with. You presumably have little equity in the house because of the mortgage, so all that is left is his SIPP and any other savings and investments.

Solicitors are not cheap and solictor's fees in a contested divorce would soon swallow up a lot of his money - and he would be left with no money to argue about.

When I divorced the basic rule was that all assets acquired during the marriage would be split 50/50.
My half included the house and ex's half was his pension pot. It was a 'clean break' which meant I would make no further claims.
This gave me the freedom and independence I wanted while he bought a more modest flat but had a good pension to look forward to.
Seems to me that you'll suffer badly if you just 'let things take their course' while divorce will give you real security. Can't see any reason to stay in this awful marriage.

I think suziewoozie is right. If you leave you will be entitled to various benefits including Housing Benefit and Council Tax Benefit.

How anyone can be married to someone for 38 years and have children by them and describe them as a 'parasite', words fail me.

I don’t think you should threaten him with anything. Go and see a solicitor secretly so you know what your rights are. Only tell him you are divorcing him when you are sure that is your decision . No threats, just statements of absolute intent. He will not change and especially given his age and past behaviour. Anything he promises can be undone remember

Starting divorce action is a last resort and to be avoided, many dominant men just don’t realize how much a long term wife is entitled to. Having it spelt out to them by a solicitor changes attitudes without spending tens of thousands on divorce. Not all wives want divorce but they do want security and to be treated fairly.

I agree with maddyone. I'm no expert, because I left my husband when I was younger BUT a key thing to do is to protect yourself by very quietly moving money to a secret account of your own. AND to move precious things that you don't want to lose out of the house, to somewhere he won't know about. For me, that was photographs etc, not stuff of value, but it might be valuable things for you.

You have to plan in advance JUST IN CASE.

I'm sure you're entitled to some of his pension. You would be entitled to shared equity in the house, but he has very cleverly not paid it off, so there is no equity.

Tred carefully. Wealthy people can buy such good legal representation that you could end up with nothing.

You must make an appointment with a solicitor very quickly. You need professional advice.

Well I wouldn't be putting up with this nonsense !
Brace yourself and threaten him with divorce right now before anything unforeseen should happen. That should make him sit up.

Just pray he doesn’t die before the divorce is finalised

Make an appointment to see a solicitor ASAP. You will discover that you have a range of rights and will be able to afford to leave him. Value yourself - he clearly doesn’t value you and you are allowing him to behave as he does. Good luck

A good post Davidhs

Friends of mine had a similar problem he was trying to divert all the money to his children leaving her with nothing. So she started Divorce action, that stopped him in his tracks, realizing he was about to loose a great deal of his pension, property and investments, his solicitor talked sense into him. They are still together, she did not want divorce but now she has control over him!.

Your husband isn't being exactly honest with you but I guess that's no surprise.
Firstly the first 25% of his pension lump sum is tax free no matter what band tax you normally pay. After that a big lump sum would incur 40% tax but you can spread that over several years as I did with the help of my financial advisor spread my take over several years and never paid over 20% tax on it. So he could take a lump sum of 25% and you say his pension is massive so would that be enough to pay off the mortgage? If not he can take the 25% then follow it with smaller amounts and as long s he stays under the 40% tax threshold he won't pay 40% on it.
Or divorce him and get 50% of all his pensions etc and pay large amounts of legal fees, sell the house, the mortgage will come out of the sale and both live separately and happily.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.