Should I let someone off a debt

If it is a very large sum, and from one of the children- can it not be officially accepted as an advance on inheritance? What is the law in that matter?

I think you have to be prepared to write it off, but I like the idea of asking for a nominal sum each month.

Many years ago now, some friend lent us some money for essential house renovations, the sum held back by the mortgage lenders until the work was done, so there was a near guarantee of repayment. In the mean time, my then husband had an affair ( we later divorced). When these so-called friends heard, they demanded the money back immediately! We hadn't got it, but of course we paid it back as soon as the mortgage lender paid up.
It emphasises the saying " Neither a borrower nor a lender be", when speaking of friends and family.

It depends a bit what you mean by ‘substantial’. If it’s a hundred or so, writing off the debt might be a good idea. If it’s tens of thousands, I’d suggest that they need proper financial advice and some kind of at least nominal repayment plan.

There’s a risk that if it’s known in the family that you didn’t reclaim a big sum from one member, others may think that you have favoured that one over the others, and that can lead to awful family bust-ups.

We tend not to lend money, as realistically, someone who needs to borrow, is unlikely to be able to pay it back, unless it’s a question of just filling a gap until money comes through. We just give it, and don’t expect it back. So everyone is relaxed, and it’s a bonus if it is repaid. This is usually our children, but there are a couple of friends we’ve helped, particularly during this pandemic. They can’t work, and other bills will take priority once they can.
I would write it off if you can, but don’t lend to them again.

If you can afford it, let it go. Maybe one day, when their circumstances change, they can pay it forward. Kindness is priceless.

absolutely- what goes round, comes around.

Letting the debt go is good advice if you can afford it and it will ease the situtation. But I suggest it might be a nice idea to say to the person concerned that, just as you helped them, perhaps in the future they might be in a position to help someone else in a similar way, and that would make you very happy.

tanith the Scot in me says to have a chat and say not to fret about repaying now but perhaps in a few years from now, they may be in better circumstances to pay you back.

If you do wipe the slate clean that person must never ever expect to borrow money from you again. You do not want to come over as a soft touch. Good luck.

Tanith
If they are truly unable to pay back, there is not much you can do. Maybe agree with them to defer it for 1 year and revisit the situation?

I got a vibe from your post. Are you used to helping people when they are in trouble?
You were expecting this to be paid back to assist somebody else.

If so, I would stop or consider very carefully which cases to take.

How is your financial situation if that help is not repaid? Make sure you are 100% covered for the rest of your life and then lend money not expecting it back

Unless there's a signed agreement between families, forget it.

Have done it many times- each time I knew there was a possibility the debt would not be repaid. Last time it was to an ex student who has had a very rough time since she was born- so she could go to Uni as mature student. She just could not cope- and is unemployed and has all sorts of issues. Waving the debt helped her cope. She promised that if she won the Lottery or inherited a fortune, she would repay double.

Sorry, Tanith, just seen your post!

Could you talk to her and negotiate even a nominal monthly amount to be paid until she ‘gets back on her feet’? You could agree to review it with her say, every year? That way, you’ve addressed the fact that she owes it, even though you yourself have accepted you are not getting it back? If she herself agrees to the monthly sum, however tiny, wouldn’t that lift the load from her?
The danger is that if you tell her to forget it, she may ask for more in the future, or it may cause ill feeling with others, if they got to know.
I’m not nearly as kind as you, and I wouldn’t make any financial decisions based on the fact that others may ‘need’ some of my money.

Thanks for your thoughts the debt is between the two of us no one else will ever know from me. I think I will follow my instincts and your suggestion of letting it go.
I know it will be a huge relief to both of us that it’s no longer hanging between us.

Wise Grans hereabouts ?

I have let it go in the past. However, I'm somewhat ashamed to admit that it still rises to the surface in the shape of disappointment sometimes. No recriminations but I wish it would disappear completely. My failing.......

Lin no worries, why not do this on a new post. I am sure you will get some support. I am sorry about the loss of your mother, these are difficult times. Take care

I would let it go. I only lend money if I can afford for it not to be paid back. When the recipient has made a couple of payments I tell them to forget the rest if I know they cannot really afford it. If no offer of repayment is made I would never lend to them again.

If it was a child of mine or a close family member and I knew they were genuinely struggling I d let it go (unless they’re in a habit of doing this) and if extending the pay back time was not going to work for them
It must be a huge weight hanging around their necks and if it’s just bad luck and not their fault

It’s so thoughtful of you to think of the needs of others. I think in this circumstance I’d let it go, it sounds like they could really do with a lift right now. Perhaps they’ll be able to pay it forward in future.

sorry I didn't mean to put this on your thread

After my husband died 8yrs ado, my daughter and I had a bad time, the result being she has not spoken to me for about six years and wont have anything to do with
me.
She stopped visiting her grandmother in her nursing home and has cut herself off from all family.
Recently her 94yr old Granmother passed away. Through my cousin, I have let her know this and also the funeral arrangements and also that we would like her to come and she would have a place in the funeral car.
She will not come to the funeral, which is very upsetting., neither will say where she is living, which is a problem as she has been left things in her grandmothers will and I am sole executor.

If there are other family members you want to help then suppose you will need the debt repaid. How about reducing the balance left, which would give you something to help another person later. That should leave the everyone happy.

I would let it go, it’s not as if they haven’t made the effort, and the relief would be huge.
Surely it’s between you and them, and no one else needs to know about your arrangement.

Probably leave them the quantity they owe in your will? Don't know your circumstances i.e. how old you are, how many others would be involved in your will - that's just a suggestion!