DAUGHER IN LAW BORROWING MONEY

When I moved into my first (unfurnished) flat I asked my grandmother to lend me some money towards the cost of buying furniture. I made a list of the things i thought I would need - with approximate prices. I also set down how I proposed to repay the money at ££ a month and how long it would take.

My grandmother, who was a very practical woman, looked at the list and then suggested several things I had missed off. She said she would not lend me the money but was going to gift it to me. I refused and told her I would feel more comfortable with having it as a loan. After I had paid her back half she refused to accept any more and told me she would be very angry if I sneaked it into her bank account.

One did not argue with my grandmother.

We made several shopping trips to buy things and although our tastes in furnishings differed I know she enjoyed the outings and the fact that I appreciated her advice on cookers, kitchenware etc.

I doubt if Grammy is still hanging on for advice
November 21

I can see your problem Grammy57 - and £500, is a lot of money.

Two ideas occur to me, one already raised, if her car needs repairing and she needs it to work, insist that if you are paying, that it goes to a garage you know and trust so that there is some comeback, if the repair is not properly done.

Secondly, limit your help to items that directly benefit your granddaughter - school uniform, clothes, school outings; something of that kind, again money could be paid direct to the school or you could do the clothes shop with the girl.

I did not see the date, although I confess I usually look at that 1st. I will not comment further. Note to self, remember to check date always

If you think she can stick to a repayment plan the conversation can be “IF I lend you this money, how do you intend to repay it? What payment plan will you put in place?”

The contributor above who suggested you speak to the garage or ask for an itemised quote is a good idea.

If you have loaned money in the past which has not been repaid now is the time to explain “Sorry but you didn’t repay last time so I have to say no this time.”
I think you are being seen as a soft touch.

yes, an old Thread from NOV 2021............

.why or how did you find it rafichagran Fri 25-Mar-22

Old thread

It's difficult for you Grammy57 seeing your daughter in Law and granddaughter in need. If you are able to lend the money then set up a proper repayment plan with your daughter in law.
You need to be honest and tell her you can't afford to help financially any more. Are there other ways you can help maybe, cooking meals, having your granddaughter to stay so your daughter in law can work etc.

I am also glad that you feel you worked hard so no need to subsidise her.
My son has left his partner and son. I help out my Grandson with money, my son had him very young, he has just become 17. I pay his monthly gym fee's and I help with his driving lessons, if his Mother asked it would be NO , she does not though. I have always worked and will not subsidise sons partners. I agree with *OP.

Namsnanny

Maybe OP feels six months subsidizing (as she puts it) is long enough, and the emotional worry is causing her to be 'grumpy'? GillT57

Agreed, I became a lone parent when my son was 14/15, I would never have asked people for money. £500 is alot of money, why should this Gran subsidise this woman who is not looking hard enough for a job.
People ask, what is her son doing, that is not the OP business, her son is a adult.
The DIL should not be asking for money.

Has she been out of work a long time?
You've mentioned women's aid so presumably she has been abused in some way by your step son. I imagine she lacks confidence?

That isn't to say I think you should just give her money. I understand it is irritating when people wont help themselves but if there has been domestic abuse it may make that persons behaviour more complex

Thank you

I'm not being 'grumpy' can you really not empathize? I want to help them like I would want to help anyone that I can but I also have to think of myself too. My savings are disappearing and I can't go out and get a job. I also struggle a bit as to why she is not helping herself - is it because muggins here has been shelling out?

It would just be the holidays that my gd might go with her, she is old enough to stay home but my dil wants to spend time with her while she still wants to (teenagers) loads of vans deliver to me in the school hols with children in front - map reading. I think it could be fun. But you are right in that it's not Morrison's it couriers

To be honest, I have a 14 yo and there are periods where he is left alone at home because me or his Dad are both at work. I don't think it's unusual at that age.

Wish it weren't - I wish I had enough money to just hand it over without a second thought

It would but he wont pick up to me because he knows what I will say

Thank you I think this is what I needed to hear

My step son whom I raised from 5years old he's now 50. his father passed away early this year and his mother didn't keep touch. So now it just me. We fell out before my husband passed away as we were both pretty disgusted at his lack of care for his daughter. Children should not be made to pay for parents problems - neither should old ladies

Apologies in advance if there has been a tragedy but you don't explain why your dil is raising your dgd alone.

As the OP has suggested the CMS and Women's Aid then it doesn't sound as if the father has died.
Forgive me if I'm wrong, Grammy57

However, I am rather confused - has your DS scarpered, was he abusive and she is struggling now to, trying to find a job to pay for the necessities of life for herself and her daughter?

No I worked all my life not to give you a free ride.
That wouldn't be a very kind thing to say if those are the circumstances. She must be struggling.

Can you have your DGD come to you if her mother is working? If it's a driving job she can't go with her mother, I doubt that the insurance would allow it.
Why is transport not provided?

Why is your son not helping his wife and daughter? Apologies in advance if there has been a tragedy but you don't explain why your dil is raising your dgd alone.

I can’t think of one company who would allow a child to accompany the driver.
So presumably your DIL will be be using her own car?
Tell her if you can’t afford to sub her any longer, if you don’t tell her, she won’t know will she?

Maybe OP feels six months subsidizing (as she puts it) is long enough, and the emotional worry is causing her to be 'grumpy'? GillT57

Where is your son? What kind of a job is suitable for a 14 year old to sit in the car with her mother? What about school? Why are you so grumpy about helping?

Is this real?