Obsession with Money

I do sympathies, Birthto110, it’s horrible, tedious and depressing.

An old aunt of dh was as tight as they come, despite having plenty of money. I used to call her Queen Midas and could not feel at all sorry when she finally died.

She used to get her fantastic but long- suffering cleaning lady (aka slave) to do her shopping (no extra pay) and would then complain bitterly because e.g. she hadn’t gone to a different shop for the butter, where it was 1p cheaper. I am not exaggerating here.

After she finally died, dh and his brothers made a Deed of Variation to her will, in order to send a nice fat cheque to the cleaning lady, who of course hadn’t been included.

TBH MiL had always told dh and his brothers that she’d find a way to take it with her, so they were surprised that she hadn’t! She’d never have left anything to charity - she ‘didn’t believe in’ charities. If anyone was poor, it was entirely their own fault for being lazy/feckless etc.

After she finally moved to a care home (frail but no dementia) she was paranoid about her money (‘If the staff know I’ve got money they’ll find a way to steal it!’

So dh had to pay the fees every month and then get her to sign a cheque to pay him back. And every time he did it, there was a screech of ’HOW MUCH??!!.

At her funeral, during his speech, dh said that if she’d known how much it was costing, there would have been that same screech, and since all present knew what she was like, there was a great deal of laughter!

I have a dear friend whose mantra is ‘how much are you paying for your line rental? How much are you paying for Sky? What is your Heating Bill ? Bearing in mind she has 4 pensions (rightly earned) going into her account.

older relative is deep-down scared, from the generation when many saved for old age. He/she could easily have 20+ years left of deteriorating health, knowing the cost of a good care home ie £6000+ a month. Many oldies do become very pedantic and introverted. Bluebelle has the right idea and be grateful that he/she could easily pay for their own care if needed

Can the person with the fixation be invited for a visit - just them on their own - on a different day to the rest of the family? Seems like they are driving the rest of the relations away with their carry-on.

Thank you for the messages and understanding - it really helps!!! You rarely read about this problem anywhere - so thought it was just us. There are lots of debates which centre on other things such as pensioner poverty (which is a hugely important issue, help with fuel etc) - but to be honest these things that are constantly on the tv (and we understand why that is...) tend to feed the problem further - as they think it applies to them. And if you read it in the paper and see it on the tv it must be true! I once used to work in Social Research centering on Care Matters and Ageing and realise from various projects that lots of people truly think they're poor when it's the complete and utter opposite - but this is off the scale and impacts on everyone else borderline being emotionally mean at times. ''You can afford that, but I certainly cannot' etc about a joint of beef etc ''Your generation are lucky, you had opportunities'' etc
You get it. It's constant. Hey ho - we shall survive again this year. Need to have the Monopoly to hand.

You could be describing my mum.It’s very wearing and her life would be much happier if she wasn’t worried everyone is trying to take money from her.
I have no advice but just want to say I understand💐

I think you are very kind and amazingly patient.. it does sound as though this person has compulsive anxiety issues and is unlikely to change.. you could try being very honest and say that the money talk is alienating people but if it so deep rooted I don't think it will change much.. short visits maybe? or perhaps this person could see a GP for some kind of anxiety medication?

i am sorry but i would have to kindly tell her that is she is going to start talking about money or the price of things then i will have to leave, or if she is coming to your house then say to her there will be no talk of money or she will have to leave, if she does not drive then call a taxi.

Try telling her, maybe she doesn’t realise that her obsession is alienating people.

My mother is negative all the time, the way I deal with it is to visit her less.

Just chat away about other things completely ignoring any references to money completely starving the topic of any money oxygen
Or get a bit bolshy and say if you bring money up again I m going to leave and come back when you have another subject to discuss and then go, if it happens again do the same Retrain the brain even at this ancient age but it won’t happen over night it ll be a long process but you can teach old dogs new tricks

Sadly, it's clear nothing will change her. Well done for trying to maintain a relationship with her. It's always going to be one way and I think that you recognise it.

Is the person actually worried about "lack of money"? Even though they have sqillions?

i guess you can't really change them, or their interest re subjects of conversation.
but could you try to not let them dominate the choice of topics discussed or commented upon.
there is much on this kind of problem, usually racist elder relatives, and how to cope with them when closeted together over xmas, over on mumsnet.
perhaps you might get some help or ideas from posting on there, or reading others' efforts.
i realise there is no simple solution, and you have my sympathy, and hats off for keeping on trying, rather than going NC or at least LC.