Obsession with Money

Jaxjacky

OP is from December 2023 !!!

And they are still posting 🤦🏼‍♀️

madeleine45

May I make a suggestion, Use your phone or a tape to record the next time she is with you . Try to be fair and just talk as you normally would do, not especially trying to get her to moan more than usual. Then later when she has gone, listen to it yourself, so that you can confirm that she is way over the top about money all the time. Then preferably with another family member arrange for her to come and have a coffee with you, and when she is settled down, bring up her attitude to money, and then play the tape to her. This way she cannot deny her behaviour and attitude, and you can lay down some rules for the future. So at this age she is not going to change much, but you can take charge of the amount of time given over to it. So for instance , you might let her start talking about money , but then say I know you want to talk about this , so I dont mind, but once we have lunch/tea/coffee, we are going to walk round the garden and dont want to talk about this any longer. If she continues past the time you say, be polite but say that you must go now. If she protests and asks why you are going you say that if you are not going to talk about anything else or be interested in anyone else then there is no point to your staying. If you can encourage other family members to do the same, you wont change her views, I think that would be unlikely, but you will have at least provided yourself with a halt to such talking, and can leave early. Alternatively , you could try , every time she speaks about the bank or the money, you interrupt with your version in your own bank, so that you cap and stop her hogging the conversation about money as soon as she begins. If after a couple of visits you find she is not responding at all, then I suggest that once she begins to talk again about such things , you quietly collect your coat and begin to leave. If she asks why you are leaving, you say that you had already said that you would not stay if she went on about money again and so you were doing as you said you would.

At least that way, you are doing your best to keep some contact, but are not letting her drag you all down and make you miserable.

Good Luck

I doubt very much if the OP has read your reply.
The post is 3 years old

fancythat

Is the person actually worried about "lack of money"? Even though they have sqillions?

I think that’s “Bob on” I think many older people are a little obsessed about what would happen if they need residential care etc.

My DF wasn’t at all bother as he knew he had made good provision for my DM, but in the 6 years between his death and hers she was literally “obsessed” about running out of money, whilst also living a very good life in terms of how she furnished her home and her food (we literally encouraged her to spend her money to make herself as comfy as possible)

May I make a suggestion, Use your phone or a tape to record the next time she is with you . Try to be fair and just talk as you normally would do, not especially trying to get her to moan more than usual. Then later when she has gone, listen to it yourself, so that you can confirm that she is way over the top about money all the time. Then preferably with another family member arrange for her to come and have a coffee with you, and when she is settled down, bring up her attitude to money, and then play the tape to her. This way she cannot deny her behaviour and attitude, and you can lay down some rules for the future. So at this age she is not going to change much, but you can take charge of the amount of time given over to it. So for instance , you might let her start talking about money , but then say I know you want to talk about this , so I dont mind, but once we have lunch/tea/coffee, we are going to walk round the garden and dont want to talk about this any longer. If she continues past the time you say, be polite but say that you must go now. If she protests and asks why you are going you say that if you are not going to talk about anything else or be interested in anyone else then there is no point to your staying. If you can encourage other family members to do the same, you wont change her views, I think that would be unlikely, but you will have at least provided yourself with a halt to such talking, and can leave early. Alternatively , you could try , every time she speaks about the bank or the money, you interrupt with your version in your own bank, so that you cap and stop her hogging the conversation about money as soon as she begins. If after a couple of visits you find she is not responding at all, then I suggest that once she begins to talk again about such things , you quietly collect your coat and begin to leave. If she asks why you are leaving, you say that you had already said that you would not stay if she went on about money again and so you were doing as you said you would.

At least that way, you are doing your best to keep some contact, but are not letting her drag you all down and make you miserable.

Good Luck

eazybee OP is 3 years old

What sort of upbringing, background did this person have. Born just after the war when things were in short supply, possible a hard childhood and a constant worry about money. She may have had a better life through her own efforts and is living comfortably now, but the profligacy towards income and money of some may horrify her.
No solution because I doubt if the fear of poverty will ever leave her, but all you can do is humour her, until the time comes to use some of that money for care, which will eat a huge hole in her savings.

This is the second thread that's turned out to be ancient today .Perhaps it's rehash Monday !

OP is from December 2023 !!!

Have you tried saying to the person

" Please stop talking about money all the time. I find it really difficult ".

You could offer an alternative;

"Lets listen to some music instead."

Thanks everyone for your stories of mean old relatives. I had a step-grandmother like that. Of course she left everything to her family, nothing to her step-children although all the money came from her husband, their father. My DM had persuaded her to let his son have his father's watch, but that was all.

Oh she sounds like a friend of mine. Money is her god.
Same subject every week 🙄
I think it’s a type of OCD.

I agree it's akin to what flappergirl says - hoarding.
But hoarders tend to be a bit embarrassed and keep people away so that they can hide it - whereas when it's an obsession with accumulating money some people (not all) boast about it/see it as a 'talent' to brag about - and also even suggest /insist that others pay for things, leaving family/friends in an impossible situation - ie
a) either cut off most contact which doesn't feel at all the right thing with close family (and when it's clearly an 'illness' of sorts like with any other mental health issue - it's not as if they've hurt anyone in any obvious way)
OR b) fall out completely
OR c) keep dealing with the obsessive behaviour, visiting, listening, taking to GP appointments, trying to encourage involvement in other stuff, doing stuff to try to help (when it makes no difference) - which is all mentally exhausting, disheartening in the extreme - and a risk to one's own mental health and sanity in the end!

I've known quite a few people like this. One gentleman in particular who always "borrowed" a match to light his pipe rather than buy a box of matches. He owned a large house and we knew he had considerable savings. The accumulation of money becomes an addiction, on a par with hoarding. Once it gets a grip there is no turning back and it's not going to improve with age! My aunt was similar. She would sew by candlelight and never turn the heating on. She would eat cold sardines from the tin rather than put the cooker on. When she died her estate ran to £2 million. As I say, it is a form of addiction.

fancythat

Sounds like these people are downright scared.

I have to say, the only thing dh’s old aunt was ‘scared’ of, was of having to part with any of her money. And it wasn’t because she’d been poor in the past - she and her dh had worked overseas for many (tax free!) years - she’d never been remotely short.

Beat this 😂
Taking your own teabag to a supermarket cafe and asking for hot water 😱 True!!

Birthto110 You could be talking about my brother (74). Hehas got a lot of worries - wife with Alzheimer's now in a home, son recently diagnosed with terminal cancer - but he's always telling me how much in credit he is with things (what's the point of that??) £1900 in credit with gas/electricity, £600 credit with Council Tax, etc. He's always been the same. He begrudged paying £13 for a taxi to visit his wife (although he drives), on ONE occasion when he couldn't get a life. He's not having to pay for the care home (he put most of his £££ into his son's account, to avoid it).
Nobody wants to bother with him (I'm the only one with daily contact but I don't like him either). What a waste of a life, to be like that.

I have an 81 year old friend (same age as myself) she has a financial advisor, her own detached bungalow, drives a car and is as tight as they come, if we go for a coffee, she is always through the door first and sitting down, tells me what she wants and will pay half (but never does) so I have to go and get the food and pay for it. She then moans about the price of the food or the tea not being hot enough or something else is not right so I tell her she hasn't paid for it so to stop moaning. She is always bragging about how much money her family has got and what good jobs they have but they never, ever visit her or invite her to their homes.

It has got to the stage I am now ignoring her phone calls and making excuses to keep away from her.

It must be worse if they are relatives as you don't want to cause upset but look at it this way, keep on her good side and when she kicks the bucket she will leave you all her money in her will.

So many points here..
Seems a common problem to a lesser or greater degree.
They don't like to send xmas cards - but puts up any cards received ten years ago. But actually why not? That's a good idea environmentally speaking probably.
The point someone made about anyone in poverty has either ''obviously not worked hard enough''- or they've ''done something wrong''. It's very depressing to listen to.
Yes we are alone hosting mil this year as others have different plans - so it's the smallest xmas in a long time.
But we WILL make the best of it. It will be okay.
Get a bit of Elvis on the CD player and the King's speech which we will all watch.

No cards this year as stamp’s are too expensive🎄🎁
Merry Christmas all

Oh my gosh…..I thought you were talking about my sister 🤣
She is very wealthy and has worked hard over the years (ironically in finance). Honestly,her whole conversations are about cost of care homes (retired early & in good health living in her own home)transferring required amount of money to new bank account's to gain a bonus.
Long life milk/bread is frozen……car is now in garage as bus pass is better value even if destination takes four hour’s. As the younger sister I make a joke saying’ you carry on saving I hope I live longer than you’
I think she missed her vocation in teaching people how to manage money. However,it is annoying when the whole conversation revolves around money & how to save.

fancythat

Sounds like these people are downright scared.

I can’t speak for other people but with my close friend she’s just plain mean ( think re-using teabags )
She has owned 3 houses outright in the 20years I’ve known her: 2 of those were inherited.
But at least I can rib her about it 😂

Rather than neural diversity might she be showing early signs of dementia? Old people can become obsessed with their preoccupations and worrying about money, whether she has plenty of it or not, is not that unusual.

This must be so very wearing.
Is there maybe a possibility of going through her budget with her, and perhaps a comparison with a family’s budget, so you can demonstrate how comfortably off she really is?
Otherwise, just try to tell her straight that she is alienating people by her attitude and behaviour and they will stop visiting.

We have a good friend who is always negative, in fairness he has had a string of bad luck in recent years, he trie# to do too much and it backfires. We mostly nod or shake our heads then change the subject

Sounds like these people are downright scared.