Obsession with Money

I agree it's akin to what flappergirl says - hoarding.
But hoarders tend to be a bit embarrassed and keep people away so that they can hide it - whereas when it's an obsession with accumulating money some people (not all) boast about it/see it as a 'talent' to brag about - and also even suggest /insist that others pay for things, leaving family/friends in an impossible situation - ie
a) either cut off most contact which doesn't feel at all the right thing with close family (and when it's clearly an 'illness' of sorts like with any other mental health issue - it's not as if they've hurt anyone in any obvious way)
OR b) fall out completely
OR c) keep dealing with the obsessive behaviour, visiting, listening, taking to GP appointments, trying to encourage involvement in other stuff, doing stuff to try to help (when it makes no difference) - which is all mentally exhausting, disheartening in the extreme - and a risk to one's own mental health and sanity in the end!

I've known quite a few people like this. One gentleman in particular who always "borrowed" a match to light his pipe rather than buy a box of matches. He owned a large house and we knew he had considerable savings. The accumulation of money becomes an addiction, on a par with hoarding. Once it gets a grip there is no turning back and it's not going to improve with age! My aunt was similar. She would sew by candlelight and never turn the heating on. She would eat cold sardines from the tin rather than put the cooker on. When she died her estate ran to £2 million. As I say, it is a form of addiction.

fancythat

Sounds like these people are downright scared.

I have to say, the only thing dh’s old aunt was ‘scared’ of, was of having to part with any of her money. And it wasn’t because she’d been poor in the past - she and her dh had worked overseas for many (tax free!) years - she’d never been remotely short.

Beat this 😂
Taking your own teabag to a supermarket cafe and asking for hot water 😱 True!!

Birthto110 You could be talking about my brother (74). Hehas got a lot of worries - wife with Alzheimer's now in a home, son recently diagnosed with terminal cancer - but he's always telling me how much in credit he is with things (what's the point of that??) £1900 in credit with gas/electricity, £600 credit with Council Tax, etc. He's always been the same. He begrudged paying £13 for a taxi to visit his wife (although he drives), on ONE occasion when he couldn't get a life. He's not having to pay for the care home (he put most of his £££ into his son's account, to avoid it).
Nobody wants to bother with him (I'm the only one with daily contact but I don't like him either). What a waste of a life, to be like that.

I have an 81 year old friend (same age as myself) she has a financial advisor, her own detached bungalow, drives a car and is as tight as they come, if we go for a coffee, she is always through the door first and sitting down, tells me what she wants and will pay half (but never does) so I have to go and get the food and pay for it. She then moans about the price of the food or the tea not being hot enough or something else is not right so I tell her she hasn't paid for it so to stop moaning. She is always bragging about how much money her family has got and what good jobs they have but they never, ever visit her or invite her to their homes.

It has got to the stage I am now ignoring her phone calls and making excuses to keep away from her.

It must be worse if they are relatives as you don't want to cause upset but look at it this way, keep on her good side and when she kicks the bucket she will leave you all her money in her will.

So many points here..
Seems a common problem to a lesser or greater degree.
They don't like to send xmas cards - but puts up any cards received ten years ago. But actually why not? That's a good idea environmentally speaking probably.
The point someone made about anyone in poverty has either ''obviously not worked hard enough''- or they've ''done something wrong''. It's very depressing to listen to.
Yes we are alone hosting mil this year as others have different plans - so it's the smallest xmas in a long time.
But we WILL make the best of it. It will be okay.
Get a bit of Elvis on the CD player and the King's speech which we will all watch.

No cards this year as stamp’s are too expensive🎄🎁
Merry Christmas all

Oh my gosh…..I thought you were talking about my sister 🤣
She is very wealthy and has worked hard over the years (ironically in finance). Honestly,her whole conversations are about cost of care homes (retired early & in good health living in her own home)transferring required amount of money to new bank account's to gain a bonus.
Long life milk/bread is frozen……car is now in garage as bus pass is better value even if destination takes four hour’s. As the younger sister I make a joke saying’ you carry on saving I hope I live longer than you’
I think she missed her vocation in teaching people how to manage money. However,it is annoying when the whole conversation revolves around money & how to save.

fancythat

Sounds like these people are downright scared.

I can’t speak for other people but with my close friend she’s just plain mean ( think re-using teabags )
She has owned 3 houses outright in the 20years I’ve known her: 2 of those were inherited.
But at least I can rib her about it 😂

Rather than neural diversity might she be showing early signs of dementia? Old people can become obsessed with their preoccupations and worrying about money, whether she has plenty of it or not, is not that unusual.

This must be so very wearing.
Is there maybe a possibility of going through her budget with her, and perhaps a comparison with a family’s budget, so you can demonstrate how comfortably off she really is?
Otherwise, just try to tell her straight that she is alienating people by her attitude and behaviour and they will stop visiting.

We have a good friend who is always negative, in fairness he has had a string of bad luck in recent years, he trie# to do too much and it backfires. We mostly nod or shake our heads then change the subject

Sounds like these people are downright scared.

I do sympathies, Birthto110, it’s horrible, tedious and depressing.

An old aunt of dh was as tight as they come, despite having plenty of money. I used to call her Queen Midas and could not feel at all sorry when she finally died.

She used to get her fantastic but long- suffering cleaning lady (aka slave) to do her shopping (no extra pay) and would then complain bitterly because e.g. she hadn’t gone to a different shop for the butter, where it was 1p cheaper. I am not exaggerating here.

After she finally died, dh and his brothers made a Deed of Variation to her will, in order to send a nice fat cheque to the cleaning lady, who of course hadn’t been included.

TBH MiL had always told dh and his brothers that she’d find a way to take it with her, so they were surprised that she hadn’t! She’d never have left anything to charity - she ‘didn’t believe in’ charities. If anyone was poor, it was entirely their own fault for being lazy/feckless etc.

After she finally moved to a care home (frail but no dementia) she was paranoid about her money (‘If the staff know I’ve got money they’ll find a way to steal it!’

So dh had to pay the fees every month and then get her to sign a cheque to pay him back. And every time he did it, there was a screech of ’HOW MUCH??!!.

At her funeral, during his speech, dh said that if she’d known how much it was costing, there would have been that same screech, and since all present knew what she was like, there was a great deal of laughter!

I have a dear friend whose mantra is ‘how much are you paying for your line rental? How much are you paying for Sky? What is your Heating Bill ? Bearing in mind she has 4 pensions (rightly earned) going into her account.

older relative is deep-down scared, from the generation when many saved for old age. He/she could easily have 20+ years left of deteriorating health, knowing the cost of a good care home ie £6000+ a month. Many oldies do become very pedantic and introverted. Bluebelle has the right idea and be grateful that he/she could easily pay for their own care if needed

Can the person with the fixation be invited for a visit - just them on their own - on a different day to the rest of the family? Seems like they are driving the rest of the relations away with their carry-on.

Thank you for the messages and understanding - it really helps!!! You rarely read about this problem anywhere - so thought it was just us. There are lots of debates which centre on other things such as pensioner poverty (which is a hugely important issue, help with fuel etc) - but to be honest these things that are constantly on the tv (and we understand why that is...) tend to feed the problem further - as they think it applies to them. And if you read it in the paper and see it on the tv it must be true! I once used to work in Social Research centering on Care Matters and Ageing and realise from various projects that lots of people truly think they're poor when it's the complete and utter opposite - but this is off the scale and impacts on everyone else borderline being emotionally mean at times. ''You can afford that, but I certainly cannot' etc about a joint of beef etc ''Your generation are lucky, you had opportunities'' etc
You get it. It's constant. Hey ho - we shall survive again this year. Need to have the Monopoly to hand.

You could be describing my mum.It’s very wearing and her life would be much happier if she wasn’t worried everyone is trying to take money from her.
I have no advice but just want to say I understand💐

I think you are very kind and amazingly patient.. it does sound as though this person has compulsive anxiety issues and is unlikely to change.. you could try being very honest and say that the money talk is alienating people but if it so deep rooted I don't think it will change much.. short visits maybe? or perhaps this person could see a GP for some kind of anxiety medication?

i am sorry but i would have to kindly tell her that is she is going to start talking about money or the price of things then i will have to leave, or if she is coming to your house then say to her there will be no talk of money or she will have to leave, if she does not drive then call a taxi.

Try telling her, maybe she doesn’t realise that her obsession is alienating people.

My mother is negative all the time, the way I deal with it is to visit her less.

Just chat away about other things completely ignoring any references to money completely starving the topic of any money oxygen
Or get a bit bolshy and say if you bring money up again I m going to leave and come back when you have another subject to discuss and then go, if it happens again do the same Retrain the brain even at this ancient age but it won’t happen over night it ll be a long process but you can teach old dogs new tricks

Sadly, it's clear nothing will change her. Well done for trying to maintain a relationship with her. It's always going to be one way and I think that you recognise it.