Lending/gifting money to children

for goodnss sake , speak up, tell them in no uncertain terms they are not receiving an inheritance you are going to spend everything, therefore your daughters husband should ask his parents instead,

I am horrified by this but unfortunately not surprised. People are being encouraged to think that their parents owe them( their own children) and their grandchildren a living.
"Inheritance" is everywhere being touted as an entitlement rather than a gift or a privilege and also large amounts are expected.
What I view as propaganda at government level supports this because it deflects responsibility for political failures from politicians to the older generation.
I am very sorry that the OP has had to put up with this selfish, disgusting behaviour ( "sell your house and rent a place") beggars belief doesn't it.
I'm sure that the OP will be much kinder than I would be in rebuffing this suggestion robustly.
A rebuff from me would be ferocious.

I would say "sorry we already took out a lifetime mortgage to enable us to afford to live as our income no longer covers everything "

The sense of entitlement that some of the younger generation have these days stuns me.

That’s terrible. My Dad used to offer me money - small amounts nothing like this - and I would refuse and say it’s his time in life and we are grown up now. If I was really struggling I may have taken help in the proviso that it was paid back as soon as possible but not if it meant him selling his home.
I hope it’s your son-in-laws influence and not your daughter (it sounds like that as it was him to discussed it either you).
Just no and I would say that I am upset that they would suggest my life and my home is less important than theirs which is what they are suggesting.
They have a home and only moved in 2 years ago!

Difficult to believe the absolute cheek of the man. Do you suppose your daughter knows what exactly has been said? I would say nothing and if it's mentioned again just say ''definitely not' 'without giving any reasons or justifications which might lead to further discussion.

I think I’d mention a round the world cruise you are both considering.

Shocking, mean, selfish and manipulative!
Rewrite your will and leave it to dogs or cats or some good cause close to your heart.

Say ABSOLUTELY NOT if he asked for anything similar. Really unbelievable!

vegansrock

“If money were no object of course Id like to help you, but we are on a low income and couldn't afford rent or repayments. DH’s assets are tied up in the house and he doesn't want to risk it - sorry! “(They are being cheekywhatsits. )

No. This is inviting them to show you their calculations that you CAN afford it. Just say no,

I would never ever do this. I do lend money to my kids but they pay me back every penny. I'm not in a position to finance them as low income and small savings

Good god, what an entitled man and possibly daughter too. Don't entertain giving them a penny until both you & your partner are long gone. I would become mean with gifts to them too. I'd shower the children, however, with whatever gifts I could afford! I would also consider leaving the majority of my estate to the children for when they are 25/30 and in need of housing support. I wouldn't let them get their hands on it earlier as 1) their parents may try to snaffle it 2) they may waste it. Your son-in-law has shown his colours.

Its an absolute disgrace that your son in law treated you this way and worse that the money is mainly your partners not yourse.
The method of communication touse for this type of oppressive and inappropriate communication is known as Broke Recored
beyondtherapygroup.com/articles/personal-development/how-to-use-the-broken-record-technique-to-deflect-manipulators/

Key Takeaways

The broken record assertive method is a communication technique where you calmly repeat a clear, simple statement until the other person stops pushing back.
It works by removing the “fuel” that manipulators need to keep an argument going.
It is especially useful for people-pleasers who struggle with guilt when saying no.
The key is calm, consistent repetition without over-explaining or apologizing.
It can be used in personal relationships, professional settings, and everyday boundary situations.

The article then goes on to explain how to rehearse this approach.
Here is a quick look at how it works:

Choose one short, clear statement that describes your position or boundary.
Repeat it consistently every time the other person pushes back.
Do not add new explanations or engage with side arguments.
Keep your tone steady and your delivery calm.
Stay with it until the pressure stops.
It sounds simple. But for anyone who has been conditioned to over-explain or apologize their way through conflict, it can feel like a radical shift.

So you decide on your statement i.e. I appreciate that you would like a family loan but this is not possible. When at work I had a list of useful statements in my filofax to help me deal wth inappropriate demands.

Good luck

If it were me, I cannot keep quiet and say nothing.

Next time daughter drop hints about buying a bigger house nearer school, I replied sarcastically about spending a lot of time looking for a lovely cardboard box on Amazon, just in case you and your husband become homeless after doing what her husband suggested.

I think you're wise not to bring the subject up with your daughter, she may not even know her husband talked to you about this.

He has a nerve; just because his parents were in a position to help them (lucky them) does not mean you are, especially if it means you remortgaging. If he brings the subject up again, tell him NO and, if he mentions it again, say you will leave everything to the Donkey Sanctuary as Pigma suggested, Cats Protection or another worthy cause.
They already have a house, which is more than many other young couples have.

I have not raised the issue with them, partly because I wanted to have a nice happy stay at their house and enjoy the company of the grandkids and my daughter. Having a quarrel or even a "discussion" was the last thing I wanted. I think I will just leave it for now, and if they raise the matter again, my partner will tell them a big fat NO. They will be visiting us next month so we shall see.

My partner doesn't have children of his own and my daughter will inherit him once we've both gone, but indeed that could be another 20-30 years. And to expect him to just give away his own assets now would be unfair to say the least. He saved hard to buy his own flat in London when he was still single, and the proceeds of the sale were enough to buy our current little home outside London.

My money my decisions like it or lump it!

You and your husband could go on for another 20-30 years, and they want to take your home away!!

This is terrible!

I would have to say something to my duaghter to find out if she was aware of what her husband was going to say. She might have even told him to say it on the car journey without her there to "sound you out."

What selfish people. Mid-sixties isn't even that old! Why would you want to be saddled with rent or mortgage repayments when you are currently free of this?

This is awful Nelli123, please be on your guard for any other offers to 'free up cash' for them. I would have a heart to heart with your daughter to see just how this idea has come about, as she surely cannot support his disregard for your wellbeing. Take care.

mumofmadboys

Have you replied to your DD and SIL yet? If I were you I wouldn't mention it again unless they do and then say you thought they were joking and of course you don't want to move house. Then move on to another subject. Try not to dwell on it but just think of it as a stupid, immature, ill thought through request and try not to be hurt by it.

Thats probably what I would do if daughter knew nothing of the scheme.

Have you replied to your DD and SIL yet? If I were you I wouldn't mention it again unless they do and then say you thought they were joking and of course you don't want to move house. Then move on to another subject. Try not to dwell on it but just think of it as a stupid, immature, ill thought through request and try not to be hurt by it.

Oh Nelli123. This beggars belief. What a thing to ask you just as he’s picked you up and especially as you have been so unwell. Of course you should say no for the reasons given here. I should certainly talk to your daughter and tell her how upset you are by this request, especially from him and not her. I imagine that she (not him) will inherit your house in your will or does your parter have children too? If so, something to consider is that, should your daughter pre- disease him, he would then inherit everything. He certainly doesn’t deserve that now so please make arrangements in your will to ensure that it doesn’t happen. A solicitor will advise you.

Nelli123, as with the others here, I am appalled by the behaviour of your SIL, especially after you have been through such a difficult time.
You have achieved that rare thing on GN- complete consensus.
Your house/ money/ possessions are yours, and your partners. You have spent your time, money, and energy raising your DD to adulthood. Any time, money, or energy expended thereafter is a bonus to them.
Such impertinent expectations by offspring would drive me, too, to investigate donkey sanctuaries and , possibly unkindly, purchase a calendar from the charity as a Christmas gift to the family to indicate my support for the organisation.

NotSpaghetti

Surely the son-in-law wouldn't have raised this without his wife's agreement? I'm not sure it's fair to put it all on him.
Neli's daughter has already tried to introduce the topic.

Well he certainly shouldn't have raised it with or without telling his wife, it's not as if they needed the money, it was a very clumsy get rich quick scam.

If his wife really didn't know he's got a lot of humble pie to eat.