Long term friendship

If he's someone else's husband she needs telling fair and square, IMHO!

Not one of her tutours, she meet him on line over the summer hols.
Her grandfather, my father in law got remarried to a lady his daughters age, this upset my sister in law, a which sparked off a lot of discussions. I think she is testing the waters, but she wants me to meet him next weekend.

Is the man one of her tutors? She needs warning off IMO if he is.

worriedmum 50/54 year old is a very strange age

I'd try posting this in a separate thread if you really want some answers.

worriedmum has your daughter told you about this relationship or have you found out by other means? Does she know you know? At 19 my parents had no idea what I was getting up to in my love life (thank goodness!). Is she naive or can she look after herself? It's difficult to know what to suggest with so little to go on.

I think you need to tread very carefully and if it were me I would just keep a low profile and see what happens. It could be a very short lived thing. You do not want to make her choose you or him.

My 19 year old daughter is seeing a 50/54 year old married man. How do I handle it. She is at uni. Studying for a maths degree.

I remember reading an article by Katherine Whitehorn some time ago about the problems arising with friendships as we get older. She suggested that our friends idiosyncrasies, that we have tolerated for years, become more difficult to cope with as we ourselves become less tolerant as we age. I have found this to be very true in my case and wonder how I've put up with some behaviours for so long.

Gogos - we had a situation like this and we went for the backing away gracefully. Unfortunately they rang us up after a few months and I had to take a deep breath and simply tell them we no longer wanted to see the. It was tough but had to be done. I'm not good at ending relationships and letting go.

kitty - Sometimes people (even long standing friends) back off which someone becomes ill. It's as though they can't face it. I have seen it happen a few times.

Thanks for all your answers and support. We have decided to back off and let them fade away as it is affecting my wife's health. If they still pursue our friendship we will confront them and tell them to go away in the nicest possible way!

Weird! I had thought about posting something like that myself!

I have had two really close friends for over 30 years. We meet regularly for lunch, chat on the phone etc. One of our number has recently started having chemo and has decided, to reduce the risk of infection, she will not venture out or have visitors so I am phoning, texting, dropping by with flowers etc whilst our other friend seems to have disappeared! We have both rung her a few times and she has been fine on the phone but not taken the initiative to phone herself. I'm not sure what to do now. Any ideas?

gogos, it's not nice when you have to question friendships is it?

My own experience is that when friends become negative, the relationship naturally fades away.

I have some lovely friends from when I was a kid of 12: one is a Hungarian penfriend, another is a lass I used to go to Sunday School with, and another is a friend from the second form at grammar school. We rarely see each other, but write via email and occasionally snail mail.

I had a young friend who seemed to like me - we shared public transport to go and see our favourite band. She was 18 when we met and I was 40. We seemed to click though. After a year or so she became very sulky and quite abusive towards me. I gave her the benefit of the doubt as when we had parted ways she would send a card in apology. Said I was like a surrogate mother to her as she and her mum didn't get on and she felt like the outcast in her family. Like a fool I continued to travel with her and when she bought her first car we shared fuel etc. The abuse became worse when I was sharing the car - she almost behaved as if she had all the power because she was driving. At one point I left the b and b and went to book a train home, I just couldn't bare a 6 hour journey with her. She guessed where I was and came to the station begging me to travel with her and that she was so so sorry.
I went along with it. The last straw was when another girl joined the happy duo. She and I later became firm friends. Girl no 1 dropped me off a a friends house for the night and ran the new friend to her b and b. I later found out that she had lied to the new friend saying that I had said to lie about the cost of the fuel to Scotland (about 600 mile)and to get as much money out of her as we could. That was the last straw, I told her straight that I had had enough of her abusive ways and her lies. Our friendship was severed. The only way I could come to terms with the was I had allowed myself to be treated was to forgive her. I fell that forgiving someone who hurts you is a gift to yourself. I feel no animosity towards her now, just sorrow that she felt it necessary to treat people the way she did.

I would back away and shake them off. Who needs friends who want to drag you down?

The question arises: why were they your friends in the first place? There must have been something that attracted you to each other. Otherwise, how did you manage to stay 'friends'?

Are they critical about you? If they are, dump them.

Are they critical about others? Tell them you actually LIKE the people they are criticising and then dump them.

Life's too short to put up with people who get on your nerves.

I agree with Bags

You have always let them be critical and outspoken till now.
What's changed?
What would be the point of having a row with them?

I think I would tend to back off and fade away. If you don't like their outspokenness, avoid spending time with them.