Jimmy Savile

She is remarkably stable and happy and her son and daughter have accepted her new relationship very well - the daughter more easily than the son. Of course, her sexual choice may have had nothing to do with the abuse. When the old man died, she actually seemed quite sad - something I have never understood. I would have felt like dancing on his grave.

I agree Greatnan* it is hard to understand but I have seen survivors struggle with their unresolved feelings towards their abusers. Many have told me that they were loving grandfathers, fathers, uncles except for this one thing. Impossible for me to get my head round but this seems to be how survivors compartmentalise what is happening in order to cope. I would also imagine that your friend's grief was partly for the end of any possibility of putting things right - not that they could ever be put right.

I know now (at the ripe old age of 56) that I was abused myself as a chil, by my grandfather. I would never have called it that back then. I loved my grandad very much, I just hated the things he did to me. It was highly inappropriate touching and I feel sure I wasn't the only member of the family it happened to - nobody else has talked of it though. Why did I not say anything? It's largely because I found it hard to believe it was happening. It was the weirdest thing - being singled out, and also happening to me in the context of everything else being 'normal'. There was a bit of me that thought I was imagining it. And who would believe me? Besides , although I found it uncomfortable and unpleasant, I didn't know it was actually wrong. Appropriate touching etc was never discussed. It was actually only when I was an adult myself that I realised it was abuse and very wrong. I was damaged by it though - it diminished me, dirtied me and I had feelings of self-loathing for years. I also found myself in inappropriate sexual 'trying to please' relationships for years. He wasn't the only one though. A couple I used to babysit for - the husband used to touch my breasts while I was playing with his baby daughter. It was all so .'matter of fact' - he once said "you don't mind,, do you?' I was 13. I used to wonder if I was allowed to mind. I just had a feelings that it wasn't to be talked about.
Years later, I've recovered fully after counselling and being in a mutually respectful relationship with my current husband, and as a nurse I've worked and campaigned to help others. But let me tell you - the whole issue of disclosure, safeguarding and survival is very complex - and it is so hard for anyone without experience to fully understand, although not impossible as long as they listen compassionately. As for all disclosures about JS now - perfectly understandable. Everytime something is in news around abuse, something of the memory comes back and I can recall the feelings I had then. Thankfully I have healthy coping strategies. It's a horrid sorry mess and many many people are clearly in so much pain over this. Lets especially remember the very disabled children he abused - the ones who CANNOT tell yet still had to live with the horror of it.

grandola,

grandola good post, thank you for sharing what alot of us find difficult to put into words.

grandola thank you for helping us to understand. You are a very brave woman

grandola thanks very much for sharing your story with us. You help to explain how children can sometimes feel, and why they don't always disclose what has been happening to trusted adults.

Thank you, Grandola - that took some courage.

Grandola thankyou

Many thanks Grandola you are very brave

A very informative and thoughtful post, Grandola - thank you.

Thank you Granola. It is very sad that it sounds like JS may have deliberately targeted girls who had already had troubled lives.

Thank you all, for supportive comments coming back my way. I wish I had found this forum years ago - I should think it's great for emotional health.

And the flowers are a gorgeous idea!!! I can almost smell them

Grandola more from me.

And me, Grandola , it must have taken a lot of soul-searching to make your post.

Grandola you are so right about this place being good for one's emotional health, I've found that too.

from me to you.

Sorry to hear of your experiences grandola - I think they highlight the problem that children very often have - they do not know what is appropriate and what isn't. After all healthy sex goes on in private, so how can they know what is going on behind closed doors and which activities might be OK or not?

When I was a grown adult (probably in my 40s) I saw a hospital specialist in a city away from here - he examined my abdomen without a chaperone and then ran his hands over my breasts (I had a bra on) - it had no relevance at all to his examination or the problem that I was there with. I said and did nothing - why? I cannot answer that. I think I just wanted out of there and could not face the ensuing hassle.

I was a grown up but still I chose to do nothing. It harmed me in no way, but was entirely inappropriate; and I did not know whether he might do worse to someone more vulnerable than I.

Grandola Thank you for trusting us all,

Mishap I think incidents like that take you completely by surprise and you can be stunned into silence. A common reaction probably.

When I was about 12, one sunny afternoon in the holidays, I went to a public park with my best friend and her Dad. I was quite a sporty girl, unlike my friend, and her Dad liked to take us to throw a tennis ball around, giving me especially some very high and hard throws to catch. I saw a man sitting on a seat watching us and eventually I missed one of the throws meant for me and the ball ended up at his feet.

He picked it up and beckoned me over to him and as I got near I saw to my horror that what I had thought to be a package on his knee was actually his penis and he was fondling it as he beckoned me towards him. I can still see his face and would recognise him even now over 50 years later. I was frozen with shock and horror and just stood there until he stood up, threw the ball at me, with a horrible grin on his face and walked off.

I should have told my friend's Dad but I just didn't have the words and so I said nothing, not even to my friend. This has remained such a vivid and unpleasant memory but would it be classed as abuse these days? He didn't speak or touch me so I suppose not but it certainly affected me.

Fortunately, a lot of women are not putting up with it from doctors any more. The GMC Fitness to Practise calendar details many incidents of complaints. A doctor who examines a woman intimately without a chaperon is an idiot. There are women who fantasise about doctors, or bring charges if they are rejected.

I was amazed at how little supervision seems to have been around. One of my DDs took part in a film on STV, in the late 70s, when she was 15. She was chaperoned at all times by a female programme assistant. The film was stunning, and she was cared for every minute. Part of the filming was on location and they stayed in a hotel. The assistant slept in the same room, and I think it was locked, can't remember, but she had a wonderfully happy experience. The star of the series was a well-known Scottish TV presenter, and highly respected. Why were these girls not supervised or suspicions reported instantly. It is totally horrific.

Gagagran it was indecent exposure and it certainly had an unpleasant impact on you. I was frightened by a man exposing himself on a bus, but didn't feel abused - I was angry once I'd got myself well away from him and went home to complain to my parents. However, when the whole hockey team spotted a youth exposing himself outside the school playing field, we laughed ourselves silly, but we were safe and our games teachers shooed us all inside whilst they phoned the police, who made us laugh even more when they asked for a description. I now know that indecent exposers aren't harmless, sad men - they put as much planning and deviant thinking into their offences as hands-on abusers do.

Yes greatnan - as a wife of a doctor I know about women fantasizing about doctors - I always used to say it was the "licence to grope" that turned them on. My OH would never have examined a woman without a chaperone if remooval of clothes was required. Too much to lose.

I had an incident as a student when someone exposed themselves to me - the frightening thing was that it was at night on a quiet lane and I had no way of knowing what else might be about to happen. The police were hopeless and wanted me to walk back down the same lane to file a report! - and one of their sergeants pestered me for ages afterwards with bunches of flowers.

A friend of mine was in a situation where the police comandeered her flat for a surveillance operation on another flat - she had the devil's own job to keep the PC off her. Did she report him? - I doubt it. So much goes unreported as all these posts show.

I now wonder if I should have been chaperoned when examining men?