How to spot a paedophile

I never did discuss my 'lucky escape' with my parents, FlicketyB but I think it opened their eyes. Life was glamorous for them, parties were commonplace, drink flowed and I bet there were quite a few dodgy characters of all ages. Funnily enough, our parents felt comfortable with warning us about some local arab men who had a habit of jumping out of bushes and exposing themselves but we children thought that was a huge joke and didn't feel at all threatened. The danger was much closer to home but that was something we would never dare discuss with them.

Merlot, like you I have a forces background and I had a similar experience when we were in Singapore. When we went swimming, which was most afternoons, at a pool on the local RAF station there would sometimes be an RAF officer there who liked playing with us. He would hold us close, and with hindsight I realise that he had an erection, before throwing us around in the water. He targetted me but was uninterested in my sister. I felt uncomfortable and would always get out of the pool when he came and join my mother and insist I was tired of swimming. Like you I couldnt tell her what was happening, partly because I wasnt sure what was happening. I was aged about 10.

In adult life the subject did come up with my mother and she was horrified that I hadnt told her. She then told me that when she was small, just after WW1, she used to be sent to the surgery to collect prescriptions for her mother and grandmother and she hated going because the doctor was always delighted to see her and would insist on giving her a cuddle and again she felt uncomfortable and couldnt say why but couldnt tell her mother either. Had I been able to tell her she would have understood my behaviour. But what she could have done I do not know, we didnt know the man and what could she say he had done?

I have no smart words to say on this subject.

Unless you see a male/female openly committing offences or openly grooming a child THERE IS NO WAY TO SPOT A PAEDOPHILE.

They are by nature sly, secrative,cunning and know they have to appear 'normal' to the rest of society. They are the most manipulative creature, I cannot call them human nor animal, who schemes and plans his/her moves. I use the word creature because I know if I said what I really wanted to call them I would be remonstrated with by some G.N.'s.

I dispair everytime I hear or read of yet another poor child suffering at the hands of a 'known' paedophile.What the hell kind of society allows our children to be subjected to them.

Yes I am annoyed about the subject.

Agree crimson. The cases that shook me to the core were those where female nursery staff were convicted of sexually abusing babies in their care.

It's very difficult for teachers these days. As they are often expected to behave almost like social workers at times [didn't the latest report say that those who stay behind after school and do more for the children should be paid more and those who don't should be penalised] those who do genuinely care about the children have to constantly be on guard for misinterpretation of their motives.

I grew up in the RAF and spent two years in Aden where every afternoon would be spent on the beach or by the pool. There were quite a few single men (civilians) in my parent's circle of friends. They mostly worked for BP and would be invited to Sunday lunch or similar events as they didn't have family with them. One of them was a very handsome Italian, probably in his late thirties. Word soon got round from child to child to stay well clear of him because he would invite you to go swimming and then 'touch you between your legs'. Nobody told their parents. It just wasn't done in those days especially as the man was considered to be a friend. We just avoided him.

My parents were invited to a big 'do' and needed a baby sitter. I was 11 and my brother 5 so I was horrified to be told that M had offered to sit. I dreaded the thought of being alone in the house with him but couldn't tell my mother as I thought she would not believe me and my father was quite distant in those days. It preyed on my mind for days but eventually I had the sense to tell my teacher. She must have immediately contacted my parents because they did not go out on that night but nothing was said to me other than to stay away from M because they had heard he wasn't a very nice man. I think my teacher had somehow managed to get the point across without mentioning that I had confided in her.

I don't think parents had much of a clue how to deal with anything like paedophilia in those days. A lot of women in the fifties had only just come to terms with married relationships as a lot of husbands would have been away for the duration of the war. Everything was swept under the carpet. I think my very young teacher was courageous to intervene. These days, of course, it would be expected.

I knew a paedophile once. He worked as a school caretaker. There was nothing to distinguish him from anyone else, except he was rather touch-feely. He was actually guilty of numerous offences, many against his adopted daughter and her friend, but he was only tried and found guilty of three offences. He was sentenced to 7 years for each offence...but because he pleaded guilty they were allowed to run concurrently. So with good behaviour he was out in 3 and a half years.

When my children were small a neighbour (married with grown up children) unsettled me, but I could not work out why. He wanted to take my son out for the day but I just was not happy with the idea and said no.

I had no reason to think he was anything but a nice person, but years later my son referred to him and said he was creepy. Again nothing had happened it was just the vibes were not good.

Yes, exactly, Greatnan It's a sad indictment of our society that we have to be on the alert when there's nothing going on.

Forgot to say....anyone who doesn't respect your and your children's boundaries, such as going into the bathroom instead of allowing privacy, insisting doors be left open, always appearing at bedtime and getting involved in bedtime routines, joining in with children in swimming pools with no legitimate explanation, anything that enables them to get hands on contact that isn't needed or wanted.

That doesn't mean they are child abusers - it may mean they have more relaxed boundaries, but my antennae are always twitching when I observe anything that doesn't quite fit!

When I was about three the couple next door were childless, in their 40's. The wife worked shifts as a nurse, and the husband would ask my mother to send me round because I was a little chatterbox and he enjoyed my company. It was entirely innocent - I am sure I would have remembered anything untoward. How sad that nowadays she probably would not have let me go round.
My grandson is 21, very tall and muscular. He told me that he had missed the bus one night and was walking home down a fairly quiet road at about 11.30 pm. He caught up with a woman, walking alone, and he did not know what to do. He thought that if he walked quickly behind her she would be scared and he did not want to speak to her in case that was misinterpreted. In the end, he crossed to the other side of the road and ran until he was well past her. The few sick people have spoilt so much of pleasant social interaction for the vast majority.

It's not always that obvious MiceElf. Much sexual abuse happens within the home, so is largely hidden. Stereotypical paedophiles might be easy to spot, but the young man you describe not so much. Here's one of many links that might fit the bill in terms of your query.

crime.about.com/od/sex/p/pedophile.htm

It's the powerful figures of authority that manage to disguise their abuse and keep ther victims silent. Think of any person who has power over a potential victim, and there should be safeguards in place eg a nurse to accompany a doctor doing certain physical examinations, teachers beng vetted and CRB checked, as are residential workers who go in bedrooms.

Women who abuse are significantly more difficult to identify when abuse is disguised within 'caring behaviour' like bathing, nappy changing, bedtime routines.

Horders of abusive images might not be noticed, but anyone who is spending more and more time being secretive about what's on their PC, invites children into their room to play on the computer without adult supervision, appears to be overly familiar with families, keen to 'rescue' eg 'go on, don't worry, I'll look after the children for a few minutes' when mum is single, may be vulnerable. I could go on and on, but you get the gist, I'm sure.

The other thing to look out for is changes in behaviour in children who can't or won't tell. NSPCC provides checklists on websites, as do many local social services departments on their Safeguarding Children pages.

There have been occasions in the past when I felt uneasy about a couple of people and made sure that no opportunities were available for them to harm absentdaughter. I had no evidence – otherwise I would have reported them to the police – just a feeling that something wasn't quite right. I have completely lost contact with both these people so I have no idea whether my feelings were justified.

Lilygran I think many modern men feel obliged to restrain their natural protective instincts about children. Whereas once upon a time Mr absent would lift a lost child on to his shoulders and walk about the park or up and down the beach until the child saw his/her parent, he wouldn't dream of doing it now. For many, this restraint even extends to normal displays of affection.

This is a frightening thought. Many people relate well to children and are loved by them without having a wicked thought in their heads. How can you tell except by evidence of inappropriate behaviour? And there are so many variations of what is thought of as acceptable behaviour. No-one thought twice, for example, about taking a child on their knee when I was a child but I think anyone who wasn't a close relative would hesitate now. And my DH has mentioned repressing his instincts when he saw a stranger's child in distress because he thought his concern might be misinterpreted. He looked around for a shop assistant and pointed the child out to her.