Loneliness

Hello Culag.

I am going to sound very "safe" and boring, and really too late as you have already moved, but Retirement Flats are probably the answer to your need.

I moved in to one when I was early 70s and widowed a year. It seemed too young (!) but as a friend explained to me, better to settle in now while still fairly active and have no problems later in life.

There is a lounge here where people meet for coffee and afternoon tea,
Scrabble one evening (I started that!) and various other activities if they feel like it. On the whole I only do the Scrabble as belong to a Choir and am a bit of a "loner". But its all there if loneliness strikes and we all live independently - shut our front door and get on with our cooking, tv etc. if we wish, and mix if we wish.

And of course we have the "cushion" of a call line if we have a problem, also a House Manager who looks after all the annoying day to day things like bins, and outside decoration (not so day to day!) etc.

Good Luck to you whatever you decide, we're all Sisters under the skin and know what you are going through.

What is the 'Website' to which you refer Aka?

I think a lodger is a good idea, I've rented out our spare room from time to time on a short term basis and we've had young people from all over, including Canada and the US. Altogether a positive experience and - probably because they were young people - they did their own thing mostly, but provided good company.

Seriously though I've just looked at the website and am impressed. Two lovely 'units' for sale in Cotswolds, reasonably priced too. I'd be tempted if I was alone.

Before you swan off to a commune, perhaps you could take in a lodger. If you get one who works full time then you'd see them in the evening and at weekends, which is when you are lonely. Then you'd have someone to look after the dog when you wanted to be 'untied'.

If your house is big enough, take in several lodgers and start your own commune. Or sell your house and buy a bigger one (preferably in the Welsh Mountains) and turn that into a commune.

Problem solved.

Yes, in someways I would love a dog but I don't want to be tied in that way. Added to that, I only have a minute garden.

My son is allergic to cats so they are out. I wouldn't want to deter him from visiting.

A senior moment Ana?
Hello Culag as others have said, you seem to be doing the right things, do you drive? Joining clubs is one thing but if I were on my own I would definitely have a small-ish dog.Dog walking not only gets you some fresh air and helps you keep fit, but you will see other dog walkers and get to know them. A dog is a great ice-breaker.It will be there to greet you when you come home.

And funnily enough, I always feel more positive on Mondays!

Thanks everyone for your input.

I have been searching co housing, etc and found an exciting one.

We shall see, I'm not very brave really, more of a dreamer!

Oops - sorry, I don't know how that happened, I posted on the wrong thread in response to the wrong person!

Oh, that's such a good way of looking at things, sunseeker!

Hi Culag My DH died just over 2 years ago and like you I find evenings and weekends difficult. Coming home to an empty house on winter evenings are the worst. I think you have done very well in moving and making new friends but I know how hard it is. I have joined some groups but dropped out of 1 or 2 because I found they didn't suit me. I also find that as I had no children and therefore no grandchildren, I am left out of a lot of conversations - I do try to join in and can ooh and ahh at baby photos with the best of them but after a while I have nothing I can contribute.

I have always been happy with my own company so don't get lonely very often but there are times when I think it would be nice to have someone to talk over the day with.

I believe "co-housing" is a kind of commune-like idea. My friend used to live in choosing in the States once - everyone had their own front door but there was a shared kitchen and dining room where they could all eat together when they wanted. Might be worth searching the Net on that term.

Nice response vegasmags.

Culag it seems to be that you have had to cope with enormous changes in your life - losing your Dh and moving to a new area. I admire the way you have made a new life for yourself and made friends. I have lived alone for many years but can appreciate how difficult it must be to lose a constant companion. I think it is inevitable that when you live alone, there will be times when you feel lonely, just as when in a partnership there are times when you could cheerfully throttle your other half.

I agree that finding things to do in the evenings and weekends is more of a challenge than filling the days. I sing in a choir one evening, and go to a bookgroup which meets in a pub. I find I do quite a bit of entertaining, if you can call it anything so grand, by which I mean inviting friends over for a simple meal or game of scrabble or even to watch TV together. I have an 'arthouse cinema friend' who likes the same kind of films that I do so sometimes we will do this at the weekend.

I do agree with ga that planning things out is important in keeping the spirits up. Last night I had a lovely evening watching 6 back to back episodes of series one of House of Cards, in my pjs with home popped popcorn. Getting a pet is also a good idea.

I have a very good friend who I know would be very keen to share my house, but she is not in the best of health and I worry that I would end up being her carer. Also, my family live a distance away, as do hers, so it would be difficult to put people up.

I think it's best to just take one day at a time and let the future take care of itself. I do think you are doing very well and it does take time to forge out a satisfactory social life. Well done you

My best friend from school and I have often 'jokingly' said that if we are every left on our own we would share a house by the sea. At the moment we do share a beach hut for a few days at a time by the sea, eat, sleep and pee together at times, (explanation - bucket with lid in beach hut for night times)

Not an urban myth mollie. On my mother's side of the family my grandmother was the first to actually move into a home that was not shared with other relatives - that is until my parents moved in with my two siblings and later I was born in my grandmothers house.
Culag it might be stating the obvious, but if you actually plan what you will be doing each night of the week (even if it's only choosing to watch a favourite TV programme) it may give you a focus and the feeling that you're in control of how you spend your time.
Alternatively, have you considered getting a pet?

I don't know if it really happened or if it was one of those urban myths but pre-war people, particularly women, seemed to share houses for economic reasons. I've often thought that if you had a good friend that house-sharing might be the perfect solution but these days we all want our own bit of space, don't we.

Yes, Nonnie , I've joined a lot of classes, but find it difficult being out at night, particularly in the winter. I hate coming home to an empty house. At least in a 'commune' there would be others around.

Culag I can imagine that the evenings could be lonely, could you join a class or group of some kind so that at least you would know you were going to be with people on certain nights of the week?

I think that if you keep your eyes and ears open you will find people in your own situation just by chatting with whoever you meet. It will just take the courage to suggest meeting up and you may well find they have been thinking the same thing but not felt able to suggest it.

Every time we moved house I accepted every invitation even if it was something I wasn't interested in and it gave me the opportunity to meet lots of people.

Good luck

missed out "would be" brain & keybord not connecting

Mishap that sounds so interesting not something I would do but I do know a few people who be worth while investigating.

Thanks Mishap , but I often don't feel so positive.

I don't suppose I'd ever have the neve to join in one but maybe I'll look into it. The idea has only just occurred to me actually.

http://www.canonfromecourt.org.uk

Here is a link for you.

Hello Culag - well done for starting a new life in such a positive way.

There is a commune near here, with people of many ages - families, elderly etc. It is a collection of old houses with large grounds, which are farmed, and communal areas. People buy the houses. The buildings are quite old - not sure what vintage - but this is not a new-build. I am not sure how people get into this - whether the houses are just advertised through an estate agent.

I wonder if there is some network that they belong to?