Children don't hear the word 'no' often enough

I think school has become so stressful and controlled these days that children need their time at home to have some freedom and make their own choices.

What worked for me is that I put out a jar of peanut butter on the table with bread every night as my children liked that. If they didn't like what I served they made a sandwich for themselves.
Also each child was responsible for helping me plan a meal they liked once a week for the family. They enjoyed that and ate what they planned.

I think being forced to eat everything up from your plate was more to do with wartime babies and post war babies. There were such shortages of food in those times it was almost criminal to waste a single thing. I was a post war baby and still clearly remember ration books until 1954. A lot of our parents remembered how hard food was to come by and often this was reflected in their waste not want not attitude at mealtimes...my own included. I never forced my own children to eat things they had a genuine dislike for but it was often a different matter visiting their grandparents who still had the wartime outlook regarding food. A lot of families nowadays allow their children to eat/snack between meals so that children don"t often finish what is on their plates because their appetites have been spoiled by sweets and snacks. This is were no should be applied....and a particular time during the day for their little sweet treats.......and not allowed randomly.

I our house if any of the children said they did not like something their siblings would quickly put it on their plates and it was gone in seconds. They soon learned not to be fussy.

I did follow the same strict rules of eating what they were given when my children were young .. my daughter disliked kippers but I had insisted that she ate it before she was allowed to leave the table and when she finally decided to I was totally shocked as I watched her gradually become very pale and ill and from then on I realized how wrong it was .. however I would never make something different for each member of the family which is what my SIL used to do for all six of their family .. and when I said No my children knew that I meant no!

Most children will "try it on" and surely it is for the parents to be the adults in the relationship. If a child who cannot swim wanted to jump in the deep end of a swimming pool you would stop them, if a child wanted to run into a busy road you would stop them. Children know no fear. As for fussy eaters, if they try something and decide they don't like it that is fair enough, although in my experience if you serve it to siblings and not them, they suddenly decide it's not so bad after all!

400 times a day?
Then it just becomes another word amongst the many they hear in a day.
If used when it is really needed it will have the impact that may be required to stop bad behaviour or to prevent an accident.

Giving children a choice sometimes can be a positive thing - it does help to nurture decision-making

Having had one son who would eat anything & another who was very fussy indeed I had no intention of having battles with DGC over food. From a very early age one of our favourite bedtime stories was Green Eggs & Ham by Dr Seuss.
If they turn their noses up at something we just say Green Eggs & Ham!!! & they know they have to taste just a tiny bit to see what it is actually like before they refuse it. Now the older DGC say it to the little ones. It usually works but I have given up on eggs with 2 of them as their dad still won't touch an egg so has never really given them to the children. Funnily enough the younger of the 3 loves them but he idolises his older cousins who love an egg for breakfast along with the daft games we play on Grandad with the empty shell! Same game I played with my boys & my parents played with me- some things never go out of fashion & they never tire of it although they MUST know by now that he is in on the game.

Isn't this the same thing that older people always say about youngsters? Surely most of us can remember, when we were young, the older generations going on about how there was no discipline these days?

I once read a complaint about how kids were out of control and had awful table manners. It was in a book about Ancient Greece. Can't recall the speaker but he was a contemporary of Socrates. Some things never change.

Incidentally, the idea that Montessori encourages rudeness is untrue. Quiet thoughtfulness is encouraged. My DGDs go to a Montessori group twice a week and there is a lot of greeting others politely, waiting for everyone else before starting to eat lunch, listening to others without interrupting, etc. It's quite a polite, gentle theory of education.

I can't agree with much of the OP tbh although I can understand and accept that children need boundaries ( often for their own safety) but my dads favourite word was "NO" . Not for any reason just because he was the boss .

This thread seems to have mostly developed into a discussion about children and food, whereas the OP quoted Children need rules, boundaries and opportunities to feel the cold, go hungry and fall down and hurt themselves, so they can learn from their mistakes

I agree with the basic theory but all things in moderation. No-one is proposing to starve children, or let them outside without a coat in freezing temperatures, or say 'I told you so' and leave them in agony if they fall out of a tree and break a bone. However, how do they realise the consequences of their actions as they grow older and parents/carers are not always around to protect them from themselves?

My poor DGS unfortunately has no concept of what 'might' happen and frequently hears the words NO and STOP. He also gets praise and smiles heaped on him when he works something out for himself.

Anyway, back to hearing the word "no"!
It's estimated that the average child hears it ( or "don't" or "stop") about 400 times a day , so learn good behaviour in a very negative way. It also teaches them that unacceptable behaviour will get adult attention. Far better to encourage positive behaviour by telling the child what to do, rather than what not to do.
You can also have house rules for persistant problems, like, " We only have treats after meals", or, " We stay in our own beds"
I'm not saying there should never be times when we need to say " no", but you can show the " little emperors" who is in charge!

As a Nana now, I don't sweat the small stuff. Forcing a child to eat everything on their plate is just storing up trouble for the future. It's not a good idea to make a child eat for the sake of eating when they are not hungry, that is a sure way to stoke up weight problems. If my DGD and DGSs don't like what is served up, plain bread and butter is the only alternative.

Thank you Jaycee and others. I shall look it up. My DG's father was a real control freak type . His children and wife were terrified of him . I imagine my poor quiet DH as a child being force fed that half cooked egg and I could cry for him. Truly wicked ( I will show you who's boss) behaviour . Not sure what he gained except put my DH off poached egg and bananas for life .

Very interesting reading all these comments. My DGD is now 4 plus and will not sit down and eat a meal with the rest of the family. DIL makes her separate different food which she eats before we eat our meal. In a restaurant she is given mum's phone to play on which keeps her quiet during the meal! She starts school in September so it will be interesting to see how she gets on. The word 'no' is alien to her. Mum says "please darling, don't do that, stop that" etc. and of course that's ignored because there's no consequences. My son tries to be firm with DGD but then he's shouted down by DIL for shouting at DGD! For heavens sake! I'm so glad we live 60 odd miles away. I have to SO bite my tongue. This is called 'permissive parenting' and has done DGD no favours whatsoever. She is a rude, spoilt little girl and tiring to be with sadly

We couldn't afford to be picky. My mum would put dinner on the table, take it or leave it. There would be nothing else until the next meal, absolutely no snacking in between. We ate what was put in front of us because we were hungry. It drives me crazy in the shops when I hear mums saying "what would you like for dinner?" to a three year old. Who is running this show?

I never insisted on my DD eating everything on her plate (much to the disagreement of her father and her family) because I didn't want to make a big issue of food, and lay the grounds for an eating disorder.

I'm happy to say my daughter has a healthy attitude to her body, doesn't diet or worry about her weight (which is normal), and enjoys food.

After all, no-one forces adults to eat everything they are served.

Hi Jaycee - The play about the dad making his daughter eat a meal (herring I think) is called "Spring and Port Wine"!
With James Mason

I thought I'd posted about that earlier in the thread but maybe not !!
Oh dear

I'm a great believer in the maxim "children are a product of their environment" and i wish more parents would remember that

I grew up in wartime and you ate everything put in front of you, good bad or indifferent and you cleared your plate. Either that or you went hungry. And we sat at the table until everyone was finished eating because that was considered good manners

I never made my children eat everything on their plate because I used serving dishes. I think over piling a plate puts children off. So help initially with a little and then there is more if needed. Going back to control. I have grandchildren brothers who have been over controlled on some things. And no boundaries with othersn and I find it difficult to be in their company. One in particular is totally self centre, mean and doesn't know the word stop or no. It's effecting his life. No one else wants to be with him either. Obviously I feel guilty about my feelings. I am hoping he will change as he gets older and I see him anyway but I wouldn't look after him on my own. I have tried in my house to stop him from being distructive or hurt his cousin but I got sworn at. This is from middle class well educated adults.

My mother learnt to cook during the war, and also hated onions, so mince meat on toast (no onions), Hot pot (no onions), pork pies heated in the oven with warm crisps and tripe were put before us. We knew there was nothing else and having been outside playing in the countryside all morning, we just got on an ate it as quickly as possible, pocketed a few dog biscuits for later and escaped back outside asap. My grandchildren were pretty fussy, the first being the worst, the second eating everything as long as each food was separate and the third living on cheese, chips and cucumber. No one is worried because we know that, like the others, as soon as she starts having school dinners in the autumn she will start eating anything! I strongly believe that food is used to blackmail parents and they all fall for it as there is so much choice nowadays.

to EAT everything... sorry chaps/esses

Hi Jaycee - The play about the dad making his daughter eat a meal (herring I think) is called "Spring and Port Wine"!

WE had to put everything put on our plates, whether we liked it or not. I have to say I used to prefer to go hungry than to eat some of the stuff we had! My DCs had the same treatment, though I would be careful not to cook too many of the things that they didn't like. I also made sure they tried a mouthful of everything they said they didn't like. One is veggie, one is greedy one is gourmet...
GDs on the other hand have snacks every hour, meals cooked for each set of tastes [both veggies], and mealtimes are a struggle unless the GPs [us] are involved. No snacks, no messing around, call our bluff each time [like another poster, I'm grumpy Grandma as I stand no nonsense.]
The parents seem terrified of rules and boundaries "Now that wasn't a good choice. What would you do to fix it?" to a 2-year old...
No - is a very good thing; boundaries are even better.