Boris in Isolation-where is he? what will he do?

Just had Carrie's mum Josie on the phone for an hour. One positive about these lockdowns is that I don't have to have the interfering MiL physically twittering away in my ear all day. Might have to instate a few more everytime she starts throwing her weight around. "Put the baby on his back, don't put the baby on his back, give the baby solid foods, dont give the baby solid foods, clap to him every Thursday, stockpile as many nappies as you can as there'll be an awful shortage" ...... blah, blah, blah.

I wonder how many skype or phone calls he has had to that weasel Cummins?
That man may have "officially" left his job, but bet that the contact hasn't entirely been broken !

No calls from Dom C, apparently having problems with eyes, can’t see my number on his phone, I’ve suggested he go for a little drive to the Tower to test it.

Silly MiL back on the phone again, how do I know if all 20 of us can go to that booked cottage for Christmas? When will the Sloane Square shops open again? She says she desperately needs a manicure too and a hair appointment plus eat out lunches with her lady friends. Talking of ladies and hair, she told me about some forum where a load of old grannies discuss my golden locks, well that's better than discussing David Beckham's lower golden anatomy. I'm not too happy about their discussing my impotence however, or was it my incompetence? Can't remember which. Sounds like a good place this forum, you can complain about other people's comments and get them deleted. Then there's those who just don't get what is being said and drivel on regardless. Seems like a whole microcosm of society contributes - I rather like the sound of that, might have to take a look.

Sneaked down to the main kitchen in Number 10 this morning, have decided that chef is in my bubble, which means I can have tasty snacks throughout the day.My private phone rang whilst I was consuming a warm Cornish pasty, so I asked chef to take the call and put it on speakerphone.
Groan! It was Donald again, this time in a good mood, and he and chef had a pleasant few mins chatting away before I took over, “It’s all great!” He said happily “My supporters have got that louse Biden on the run.Literally! Last I heard he was still running down Mexico way.Good riddance! Don’t believe the fake news, it’s all gonna be great!” I promised not to listen to fake news and passed the phone back to chef, who told Donald about the meal we was preparing ,the Pres laughed and yelled ‘You Limeys will eat anything, have a hotdog and some fries next time.Best food in the world.It made America great!’ I think I will field all his future calls through chef, after all DT can’t tell the difference, he once told me that we all sound alike over here.

Now they’re all banging on about Chumocracy. What has Dylan’s food got to do with anything?

Time for a nice diversion methinks. Corbyn returning to the fold is a gift, but I think we need to get the Daily Mail onto young Rashford, maybe a story about him buying houses will stop them noticing the handsome Spaniard who has made £20m just for googling 'where to buy PPE cheap'. I notice those perceptive grannies have started talking about my witty journalism and the bendy banana story, maybe I had better throw out a few promises about meeting the family over Christmas to deflect them. Oops, time to get out of the tracky bottoms and get myself in front of the screen. Will practise my cough first, just to get a bit of sympathy in case Starmer is on form.

All this fuss about bringing football back, it’s just not cricket is it?

PMQ's was a bit tough. Starmer didn't fall over despite me calling him Captain Hindsight several times. It always worked with the bright boys at school, a bit of bullying and shouting and they usually backed off. Must arrange for the zoom link to fade if I press a button next time.
Then the Speaker cut me off when I was putting Ian Blackford in his place. I'll cut him of if he isn't careful.
Just had a spot of salad (and a secret burger chef made,I told him he needed to practice for Donald's next state visit )then was just settling down for a rest when Carrie burst in to tell me that Starmer has not allowed Corbyn back in. Just when I thought it was improving as well

Managed to dodge the questions on my chums and their wives getting well deserved taxpayer millions for not supplying PPE, one good turn deserves another and they did donate to the tory party - whats wrong with that? Its not like we were buying school meals for scruffy oiks to eat is it?

I think I'm losing my hair. I don't know why. Pa still has thick springy locks. Carrie says not to worry-look at Dom. But I do worry. I can't be the affable, jokey, posh, blonde bombshell/sex symbol if I am bald. It just wouldn't work. I'd just be an old bald bloke. I won't be a fat bald bloke anyway, not if Carrie has her way. I'm starving, wonder what Wilfred's having for breakfast.

Brr brr brr Hi Boris buddy!
H here, hope you're chillin'.
I can give you the number of a good hair transplant place, (not the one Donald frequents).
Take care, dude!

What! what! Do I need a transplant- it really is getting thinner. I'm stuck in here for a few more days, do I have to do any more appearances on zoom or whatever it is. Can I sneak in a transplant while no-one is watching? Oh I know it's against the rules but who would know? They could come here and do it. Pretend they're a plumber or something. It may be the answer to all my problems. Look out ladies Blond Boris is back in force, lock up your daughters (your wives your sisters and your SPADs).
What ......Oh Carrie no no of course not. There is no-one else you are my forever girl. ....