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Suddenly Single at 75

(38 Posts)
ggmarion Fri 18-Aug-17 14:12:07

I recently found out that my 76 year old husband had been in bed with our neighbours daughter aged 39. Red wine stains on the carpet by the side of the bed said it all. I left as I couldn't bear seeing her every day. I know that he telephones her regularly but not if it is an 'affair'. She is an alcoholic and he is a heavy drinker. I am coping with the help of my lovely family but rather apprehensive about the future. Any advice from those living alone and how they have adapted would be gratefully received.

annsixty Fri 18-Aug-17 15:13:23

So sorry to read this Marion. I cant give advice on living alone but can offer sympathy in your situation.
What a shock to find this out in later life. We should all be comfortable with each other offering companionship and mutual affection.
Sadly it often doesn't turn out this way.
You say you have left, have you secured your financial situation?, I think this is the first thing you should be doing and protect yourself.

Charleygirl Fri 18-Aug-17 15:32:30

I agree with ann and perhaps visit your local citizens advice bureau.

I have been on my own for 29 years and the first thing I had to do was to sort out the financial situation because I could not afford to pay the mortgage on my own so the house had to go up for sale.

Christinefrance Fri 18-Aug-17 16:39:02

Yes get your finances in order then enjoy your life. All the little things, stay late in bed with a cuppa and a good book, TV shows of your choice, out with friends etc etc. Voluntary work will give you motivation and possibly new friends. I have always said its better to live alone than be with someone you are not happy with.
Bon courage wine

Cherrytree59 Fri 18-Aug-17 17:04:13

I too wish you Bon courage
The only advice I can add is remember that there will be someone on GN who will already have the Tee shirt for whatever issues you are facing.
So hang on in there.
One day will wake up and feel OK about your lifesunshine

annsixty Fri 18-Aug-17 17:46:41

I agree with all the advice here, I have put my "two pennerth" in already. The important thing here is the OP is 75, it sounds so good saying make new friends, go out for meals, get a new life. It is not easy at that age, in fact sometimes it is physically very hard. I just wish her all the best and am glad she has a loving family to see her through this.

Wheniwasyourage Fri 18-Aug-17 17:57:12

Citizens Advice is, as Charleygirl says, a good place to start to get advice and help. I'm so glad that your family is supporting you. Sorry I cannot offer you any useful advice, but I do wish you good luck with the new start. flowers

Eglantine19 Fri 18-Aug-17 18:18:59

Definitely see a solicitor and get the finances sorted. The emotional side is harder but I would say plan/do one thing (more if you can but one is a start) that you always wanted to do but didn't because of your marriage. Something that you compromised on. I redecorated my bedroom to my taste. It gave me pleasure every morning when I woke up.

radicalnan Sat 19-Aug-17 09:31:15

Poor you, what a shock.

However, if he is a heavy drinker, then you probably know quite a lot about living alone already and he was likely to get worse with that.

Try to consider this as a wake up call for you, get yourself sorted now. Off to citizen's advice, or if your home insurance has a legal helpline (plenty do) give them a call.

It really is all about you now, get cracking, life it calling to you.

My ex was such a womaniser, broke me when he did his final bunk but no one hurts me like that anymore, life can be so much easier when you are in control of your own destiny.

They may not have had sex of course, drunk old men are rarely good lovers, maybe they just got into bed, spilt wine and got out again? Still a betrayal of course, put yourself first sounds like you have been studying him and his drinking for a while, time for you now.

Smithy Sat 19-Aug-17 09:36:32

Oh ggmarion, my heart goes out to you. I was married to a serial adulterer and decided I'd leave him 33 years ago! I have had bad times and good but NEVER regretted it. I would agree, sort the finances out firsts and good luck - here's to the future xx

Sheilasue Sat 19-Aug-17 09:38:44

I can only say how sorry I am for you and so glad you have your family around you.

Theoddbird Sat 19-Aug-17 09:44:35

It is your house as well. I know you don't want to see her but you need a roof over your head. If you own the house maybe it could be sold now. This would at least give you financial security. Citizens advice definitely first stop.

As for living on your own.... It was strange at first but I love it now. I made a new life for myself....doing things I would never have done smile

Good luck and hugs for you.

peaches50 Sat 19-Aug-17 09:48:10

Wearing the tee shirt now and never been happier...
it's a huge shock and blow to all the things you hold dear like trust and a future, worries about effect on family and friends to find the man you adored and felt he treasured you as much is actually a cheating sleazebag. Yuk - what an idiot your DH sounds. I felt the betrayal like a blow to my heart - the first time forgave him as he wept and begged for another chance saying what a fool he had been (yup) . The second time kicked him out without a wobble. I did have almost a year to recover and rebuild my damaged ego, finding friends with similar interests, throwing myself into activities like zumba, badminton, dancing, cookery, a writing circle (made friends who years on are still enriching my life while memories of him have faded). Be kind to yourself, I lost weight (classic) changed my wardrobe, hairstyle, vamped the house and garden and did everything I wanted not having to pander to his scorn and sarcasm. In time met the love of my love, married him in a whirlwind and can hardly remember why I put up with being so disrespected. Have strength dear and we are all rooting on this site I am sure- big hug from me and hope to hear how you get on...flowers sunshine

Hm999 Sat 19-Aug-17 10:16:28

Suddenly realised a few months ago that if Brad Pitt walked in, I wouldn't let him move in. I love living alone.

Sort out your future money, where to live, do you feel physically secure in your new home etc.

Massive good luck to you. One day you might think they did you a favour. Stay strong.

JanaNana Sat 19-Aug-17 10:17:06

So sorry to hear this Marion, you must put you first now. Check out were you stand legally with Citizens Advice and act from the advice they give you. It must be very hard for you. Be kind to yourself and try and enjoy some of life,s little pleasures that you might have wanted to do in the past and never got the chance to. Although this can,t be easy at the moment if you can join something ...maybe a local community centre that has various things on....it will do you good if you can eventually become involved in doing something different and maybe making a new friend or two with like minded interests as yours. Take care, wishing you well.x

GrumpyOldBat Sat 19-Aug-17 10:34:52

GGMarion, once the finances are sorted, focus on yourself. Living alone needs adjustment, but it has so many advantages. A friend of mine who was in your situation had a few top tips:
- no matter how crummy you feel, get up every day, put on some make-up, even if it just lipstick, put on your 'game face' and get out there. I was sceptical, but doing this gets you in a positive head-space.
- Set up 'treats' throughout the week, for example, coffee with a friend, going to the cinema, going to a museum or gallery, whatever floats your boat, and consciously relish every minute.
- make a list of the stuff you didn't do when you were with him but wanted to. Do the stuff on the list.

My own recommendation would be to get involved in volunteering. There is something out there for everyone and you are never too old. Do something that reflects your interests or involves something you have always fancied having a go at.

I know you are probably feeling right now, but in time you will, as my friend did, find that you prefer being on your own. As a long-time singleton I find the idea of living with someone unappealing (men are like yaks, appealing enough creatures, but you wouldn't want to live with one).

jocork Sat 19-Aug-17 10:59:26

My husband traded me in for a younger model about 13 years ago and once I got over the shock I realised I was better off without him. Living alone has lots to recommend it. You do what you want when you want and I realised I'd been held back from doing some things I'd always wanted to do. The only drawback is I'm very untidy and disorganised and there's no-one to keep things in order now so I live in chaos - but at least there is no-one to move things randomly so I can usually find things eventually. At first I worried about being alone and lonely, and looked at internet dating but all the men I came across seemed to only want one thing - which wasn't where I was at the time. Now I'd have to meet someone very very special to give up the freedom I have as a single person. I have friends, I volunteer, I work and am generally kept pretty busy so rarely feel lonely. If you do , join something. There are plenty organisations providing social events of all kinds where you will meet new friends in the same position as you. Good luck!

icanhandthemback Sat 19-Aug-17 11:04:03

What an awful shock for you ggmarion. If you own the house, you will obviously need to see a solicitor to sort things out. You do need to get income sorted out so you get whatever you are entitled to; joint accounts should be frozen until you agree with your ex husband what needs to be done.
Also, you need time to grieve. Losing a husband like this is, in some ways, worse than him dying suddenly. You need time to process your emotions but whilst doing so, hold on tight to the idea that life goes on and you can still have a good one. flowers

illtellhim Sat 19-Aug-17 11:16:20

Yep !!! Living alone is great.

I want you to look on this as a chance to do all those things that you wanted to do since you were single.

Sort out the money first.

Caro1954 Sat 19-Aug-17 11:17:27

So much good advice here so no more from me. Just sending you flowers and a hug GGmarion. Xx

Ginny42 Sat 19-Aug-17 11:29:51

I was 68 when my ex treated me so badly. Now I'm 75 and can empathise with just how difficult it is, but you know, we don't need anyone in our lives who treats us with disrespect. My ex was a liar and a cheat which came as a huge shock to everyone. No one could believe what he did with my so called friend.

I want to recommend that you take a look at wikivorce.com for free advice on what the options are for you now. That website saved my sanity and a lot of money.

Lean on family and friends and of course GNetters. This is the worst time for you now, when you are full of fears of being alone and how you'll manage, but you will, believe me. Look at the girl looking back at you from the mirror and tell her not to be afraid. Love yourself enough to take the steps to live the rest of your life free from the disrespect of those two.

Hugs for being brave, flowers

Crazygran Sat 19-Aug-17 11:42:27

My husband of 30 years suddenly left me 10 years ago out of the blue.
I was in shock for about 3 years but survived.
I was determined not to let it break me! What doesn't kill you makes you stronger .
Good luck x

margrete Sat 19-Aug-17 11:53:06

You've been given lots of good advice already from those who've been there. This advice, backed by bitter experience, is gold-dust.

I haven't been in that situation but I'd just like to say - good for you for leaving and not putting up with it for one moment longer. The contempt with which this man has treated you is breathtaking. Wave him goodbye!

Agree you need good legal advice. Make sure you get all that is yours. Very best wishes.

Hm999 Sat 19-Aug-17 12:02:28

Been thinking about this since an earlier post, and realised that men who suddenly change their domestic arrangements after decades of marriage risk losing their whole family.
One of my adult kids have little to do with himself, the other nothing; his behaviour both before and after leaving affected them profoundly, even now, and I've no idea if he even knows he has the most gorgeous little toddler granddaughter. We never made it to 15 years, much less the 20s, 30+ years being talked about here.
Good luck ggM

Bluebe11 Sat 19-Aug-17 14:05:22

I am loving my single life now, it's now all about living my life and having fun. So many single travellers sites about, over 50 meet up groups etc so the world is your oyster, grab it and be happy. It's his loss not yours, good luck 💐