Moral dilemma

Gabriella, you are mistaken. Yes people decided to have a second drink, I am sure all those here who drink alcohol have a second drink. I said no one chooses to be an alcoholic, big difference .

Daisy I think I remember your previous posts some time ago. I am sorry that this hasn’t yet been resolved, you certainly have been very patient and tried your hardest to help. Did you have her children living with you? Please remember you really have done your best.
Sadly until someone chooses to try and stop there is little anyone can do. Such a sad situation.

I agree completely with Monika but so hard for you and a hideously unenviable position in which to find yourself.
Good luck and keep talking - it's always a help. ? x

As long as you do not evict her and she wants to carry on drinking you are enabling her to continue. Tell SS you are going to evict her and then do so. If she refuses to go get a bailiff to do it. Go away for a few days when it happens as it will be distressing for you. SS will step in and find her a hostel or B&B to stay in. Her brother loves her but has stepped away as he realises he can't change her and you need to do the same. Stay in contact with her children and try to make their life better. Could you take them out for an odd outing? That is the best you can do and your dh if he was still alive would surely understand.

I really sympathise with you as my brother was in a similar situation, but after his second wife threw him out he was given LA accommodation.

I 100% agree with MOnica
You should not be an enabler.

Anniebach
Perhaps my comment could have been better worded.
People who find that they cannot operate without a drink or make excuses for having alcohol at inappropriate times or overdo it on a regular basis, are usually sober some of the time, thus able to know that they are on a slippery slope and need help.
I know full well that drinkers don't have it in mind to become alcoholics but it's a gradual thing. The vast majority are perfectly rational some of the time and able to recognise that their drinking habits are getting out of hand, as are drug addicts. It's a sin that they willingly go down the route of destruction, not only destroying their lives but those of their family, friends and others in the community.
It's not an illness, it's an unwillingness to stop before it gets unmanageable.

Gabriella,

1. It is an illness

2. It is not a sin

3. This thread is a need for help not an attempt to dismiss the problem as a choice taken freely

Is she paying rent on the cottage? I assume the idea was that you have some extra income during your lifetime. Would her brother help his sister to sell the house in France assuming your step daughter doesn’t want to go back? Once it is sold she cal live elsewhere and you can re let the cottage or if you don’t need the income let the brother have it so that you don’t have the hassle.

GabriellaG you are wrong. I know people who died from cigarette addiction who smoked while they couldn't breathe properly. My brother was told by his doctor that he would die soon as did a work colleague who was a very lovely intelligent uoung lady. They were all addicted and couldn't conquer it. I watched my brother struggling and going downhill. And yes at times we were firm and told him off in no uncertain terms- anything to try to motivate him but really I never blamed him. I just feel so sorry for addicts. When I see someone on the street with sleeping bag etc I give them food but never money. There but for fortune.......

Such a sad story and no easy answer. If she comes good after being evicted then you’ll be praised for helping and if things get worse no doubt you’ll be blamed by some but you’re the one who has to live with your own actions.
Regarding alcoholism being a disease, not sure - certainly measles is, in that you can get it accidentally, but firmly believe we all start drinking in a social context and as long as we don’t start drinking alcohol alone the chances of becoming alcohol dependent are slim. Maybe that’s the answer?

YOU are not "kicking her out", she is getting HERSELF kicked out by being self destructive.

While she is on this path, she will continue to sabotage her life and you can't stop that by letting het stay while she is in too chaotic a place in her life to maintain a home/tenancy.

Get her out before she burns the cottage down (an alcoholic ex neighbour of mine did exactly that!) and maintain it for when the time comes that she is able to live a more stable life and needs a hand to get back on her feet.

Right now she is not ready to be helped.

If you get the rent and maintain it, you have the right to say who lives there. Your husband made this arrangement to give you an income but you can't sell the property as he wanted his son to have it when you die. So until you die I don't think the stepson has the right to choose who lives there.

Do you have a rental agreement with the step daughter? She could only claim housing benifit if you did. Is she paying you any rent? You don't say if she is working.

I think you need to speak to the stepson first and both of you speak to the daughter and if that fails seek legal advice.

I have done some work with homelessness & addiction.

There are times in an addicts life when they will really need people to give them a break and a chance.

There are other phases of addiction when the people AROUND the addict just need to safeguard themselves, their property, their other family members and their own mental health.

Right now it is the latter. Not the former. Reserve your good will for when she is ready to try to receive it.

You won't help her long term if you let her blow all her chances now, at a time when she is not able to work towards positive outcomes.

Step back. Evict her. Keep your energy and the cottage intact. A time may come when she may WANT your help and a leg back up to "normal" living. She can't do it right now.

Should this woman be judged so harshly notanan ? We know nothing of her life

Thank you everyone for your helpful suggestions and comments. First of all she is my step-daughter not my daughter which does make a difference. There is some money (left to her by her father) so she could go into re-hab, but she has stated that she will drink the moment she comes out which is exactly what happened with her cousin who was put into re-have three times by his parents at vast expense and he still continued to drink. She was not married to Frenchman so he shouldn't have a claim on the house in France - he is now living miles away, but still in touch with the children. Unfortunately he is not in a position to have them. My step-daughter is extremely unlikely to get her children back - the court made an interim order which expires in two months and it will be made permanent as she has made absolutely no effort to stop drinking. I think that I have now realised that I am in fact enabling her - quite apart from the fact that I am getting horrible (but understandable) emails from other people in the village who are blaming me for the whole situation. It is completely horrible as I nursed her father for several years until he died and his daughter only ever contacted him to ask for money. I have been to Al Anon in the past and I agree they are very helpful, but honestly don't think they can help in this instance. I have now taken the decision to get her to leave if the police are called one more time. I have told her this today - she was sober and I have explained that I have been more than patient over the last two years but that I cannot submit everyone else in this tiny, quiet little village to the terrible disruption she is causing. She assured me that she understood, but she has said this many time before. Unfortunately I think the alcohol has addled her brain. Sorry for this long message and once again thank you everyone for your help and understanding.

I really feel for you, Daisy, as I have been similarly placed with my siblings.

I hope things turn out all right, but believe me, the decision you have come to, is the right one.

Some people really need to touch rock bottom before they are able to change, and I think a very great number of addicts, irrespective of the addiction, find it difficult to listen to family. My sister stopped drinking because a total stranger, a nursing sister, God bless her! told her precisely what the whole family had been saying for years.

From us it had had no effect, from a nurse on night duty, it did. Something similar might just be going on with your step-daughter.

An alcoholic who has taken the decision to stop drinking, can, but will need support, one who feels pushed into it by all the rest of us well-intentioned people, can't stop.

Also be aware that houses in France very often take years to sell. I know people who are desperate to get back to England whose houses have been on the market for five to ten years. There just isn't the turnover that occurs in the UK.

Annie where exactly is the judgement in my posts?

This girl may turn things around, but she is clearly not ready. And you have to be ready for it to work.

If she stays in the cottage NOW while she is in sabotage mode she may burn that bridge forever, e.g. anti harassment / restraining orders from the neighbours and asbos etc banning her from the village etc. This means that if there comes a time in the FUTURE when she IS able to work towards stability, she wont be able to return to the cottage!

Help has to be helpful.
Sometimes the hardest but most helpful thing to do is to take a step back and acknowledge that you arent helping

Just reread the op. If it also has no heat, water or electricity, no matter what the potential is she will get nowhere near 100,000€ Maybe 50 if she is very lucky.

DaisyL ? for you during this tough time.
Alcoholism and mental health problems often go hand in hand. I do believe most agencies recognise this now and are equipped to support people with both illnesses together.
I feel confident in saying it wouldn't be the social services stepping in to help your step daughter with housing if you have to evict her, they will have been the children's worker.
They may point your step daughter in the right direction and even set up a meeting with the council housing department. But if the case for the kids has been heard and your step daughter has run out of time to sort her life out maybe not....
It's so very sad, alcohol is so very destructive for families.
I do not envy you your position but send you my best wishes x

kathyd - the house in France has been on the market for ten years! It started at 750,000 Euros and she tells me (but this could be a lie) that she has a buyer and that it is all going through at 100,000 Euros. It is an enormous house that they used to run as B & B/ Gites, so would be worth much more, but it is in such a state that any new owner would have to spend a fortune to get it up to scratch.

I would not be able to live with myself if she were to be mugged or murdered while sleeping rough

Given your description of her current behaviours it wouldn't surprise me if she is sleeping rough some nights anyway even though she does have the cottage to go back to so you can't be held responsible for what may happen to her on the streets since she is probably out and about at all hours with her "boyfriend" and other addicts anyway.

The cottage has NOT given her any stability or a safe base to have contact with her children. It was tried. It didn't work (at this point in time).

You are facing a difficult dilemma, but it is not up to you to evict her. Unless I am mistaken, only your brother can do that, as he is the legal owner. In any case, I would be averse to leaving someone without a roof and without recourse, particularly someone who is ill.

The solution is for her to overcome her life threatening addiction to alcohol.....there is no other way. So, before she ends up on the streets, you (and your brother) should exhaust all efforts to get her into a rehabilitation facility for alcoholic addicts, asap.