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Letting go

(82 Posts)
Pollyj Wed 02-Oct-19 17:03:58

Anyone else still feel so connected/anxious about their adult children? Things aren’t great for mine, but every tiny problem sends my anxiety soaring and my need to ‘fix’ and ‘solve’ drives me mad. What do I fear? I’m not sure, but the worst (might throw themselves off a roof is one). I just want them to be happy.. It’s as if unless everything is perfect for them, I am anxious and worried to the extend I find it hard to sleep and so on. I won’t be here forever, nor should it still be my job to solve everything. I somehow feel responsible! Anyone else?

Gonegirl Wed 02-Oct-19 17:11:26

No. I let the little shits get on with it.

Gonegirl Wed 02-Oct-19 17:11:53

Sorry blush

True though.

MiniMoon Wed 02-Oct-19 17:57:34

No. I brought them up to be the best people they can be.
They moved out and started their own lives.
Their problems are there own, I don't try to fix things for them, it interfere in their affairs.

DanniRae Wed 02-Oct-19 18:00:58

Someone once said that "I am only as happy as my unhappiest child" - and that's how I feel.

love0c Wed 02-Oct-19 18:03:13

Gonegirl - no need to say sorry, not to me anyway! I am going to take your advice where one of mine is concerned. Succinct!! love it!

janeainsworth Wed 02-Oct-19 18:08:02

I find it hard to strike a balance between taking an interest in their lives and not appearing interfering.

gonegirl I can’t believe you never worry or at least feel concerned about your AC. Are you saying there are absolutely no circumstances in which you’d worry about them?
Surely the problem is, we have to let them go and lead independent lives, but in doing so we become less able to help & support & that in itself becomes a source of anxiety!

tiredoldwoman Wed 02-Oct-19 18:15:41

I worry about mine a lot. I don't get told things until it's become a huge mountain then it's " Muuum!! " I keep keys , money and clothes ready in case I get one of those calls .

Fennel Wed 02-Oct-19 18:21:47

It's constantly on my mind, Polly. We have 4, and they each have a different type of family setup.
Not going into details, but nothing like the old fashioned traditional view of families.
I pray twice every day that they each find peace in their own family. There's no more I can do.
Psalm 133 www.bible.com/bible/1/PSA.133.kjv

MissAdventure Wed 02-Oct-19 18:23:42

I credited my daughter with being intelligent and adult enough to deal with problems.

As a rule, she proved that to be the case, and times when she didn't, I helped out if I could and where I could.

Ilovecheese Wed 02-Oct-19 18:25:51

I worry about one of mine, but that is because there actually is something wrong. I try very hard not to affect me in day to day life e.g. I wont let myself lie awake worrying. I also know there is nothing I can do to make the situation better, so, for the sake of the rest of the family, I don't talk about it much.

I also think it is better if they don't rely on me, probably because my mother died when I was a lot younger than my children are now so I am very aware that one day they will need to manage without me.

Smileless2012 Wed 02-Oct-19 18:33:50

Gonegirl I couldn't help but laugh at that postgrin.

phoenix Wed 02-Oct-19 18:35:21

I do not worry at all about my one remaining son. My hateful, divisive mother left all of her considerable estate to him.

He hasn't done a proper days work in years (instead being paid by my mother to do the garden, run errands etc, things I did for years, unpaid and while still working full time) She left me nothing, except a rather nasty letter.

Bitter? You bet!

phoenix Wed 02-Oct-19 18:37:55

Just to add, adult son now seems to feel that I'm excess to requirements, his father, my ex is still adored.

lemongrove Wed 02-Oct-19 18:40:33

Yes, I worry at times for their problems ( mainly health related) but try not to let it take over my every waking thought. We can’t be around forever for them, after all.
A case of what will be will be.

HettyMaud Wed 02-Oct-19 18:41:18

I worry about them when they are driving. Also, as I don't like planes, when they are flying. Apart from that I don't worry much except when I know they are unhappy and there's nothing I can do. Just being there to listen and be supportive is what is important. I try to influence them sometimes but not sure they listen. After all, I'm old so what do I know! I seem to have enough problems without worrying about theirs too much. I trust their judgement on the whole.

Sara65 Wed 02-Oct-19 18:49:38

I worry about all three in different ways, not with one of them can I can relax and think all is fine, but I do accept that they’re grown ups, and make their own choices and mistakes.

Nico97 Wed 02-Oct-19 19:14:26

Phoenix flowers flowers

Nico97 Wed 02-Oct-19 19:15:55

I worry, probably more than I should hmm

Namsnanny Wed 02-Oct-19 19:19:05

Phoenix… That is very divisive!
My mother isn't dead yet, but I've a strong suspicion that's exactly the plan she's hatching!

You have my sympathy.

Daisymae Wed 02-Oct-19 20:19:07

Time to cut those apron strings and concentrate on your own Life. The best thing parents can do is to instill independence.

sodapop Wed 02-Oct-19 20:37:34

A woman after my own heart Gonegirl 😂

I brought my children up to be independent which they are and we all get on with our own lives. Of course if there are problems I do what I can to help as they do.

Urmstongran Wed 02-Oct-19 21:38:25

Maybe I’m too soft but I’d have to offer some help. Hopefully cautiously and asking my daughter what she thought might be best.

I enjoy my life very much and would feel guilty toddling along, zen-like, knowing one of mine was struggling. If I can help, I do.

The offer of a cleaner for a while sounds like a plan. Explain to the daughter it’s to give her breathing space.

Perhaps babysit after suggesting they go out on their own to really talk things through.

Every little helps!

annodomini Wed 02-Oct-19 21:42:54

Mine seem far more concerned about me than I am about them! They are middle-aged men with their own families and their own problems. Their lives are in their own hands, though many years ago, they were sometimes in need of my support.

Hetty58 Wed 02-Oct-19 21:49:39

I suppose that I'm just not given to worry. They are all adults and seem to worry about me far more than the other way round. Spot on Gonegirl, our job is over!

Western thinking (and World view) is basically problem solving. It often goes too far that way - into overdrive.

Adopt the eastern way of thinking about life. It's a journey and experience to savour (not a set of puzzles to be solved or fixed). By all means help when you can but don't anticipate problems!