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Stepchildren, family events & ex-wives
(108 Posts)I met my husband 2 years after he and his first wife separated. We married four years later. He had two children, I had none (sadly, we didn't have a child of our own). We lived 200 miles distant from them, something that was neither his choice nor fault. We spent years flogging up and down the motorway once a fortnight to see the children who vacillated unpredictably in their reactions and feelings towards us. This, I learned, was due to a regular drip of poison from the ex and her family. Poor kids. They were used as meal tickets, weapons, leverage and excuses, but rarely treated simply as children. The ex sat in a well of self-pity for years, as a highly qualified woman, wouldn't even take part-time jobs in her field and wouldn't consider meeting someone else because her ex husband had 'ruined her life'. She lied to the children, cheated over money and didn't let up on demands even when my husband was being treated for cancer. Her reasoning over the last? "Nobody asks me how I am." Eventually, when my mother died, she wanted a lump of my inheritance. After much soul-searching I agreed to turn it over in exchange for full and final settlement (she even lied about that to the children, saying she 'didn't know' it was my inheritance - but we have the solicitors' letters proving, unequivocally, that she did). All this from a 'committed Christian' - her words. My problem is that, ten years later, it still eats away at my soul that I gave a woman, for whom I have nothing but contempt, money that my parents worked for. My husband and his, now, adult children say "Let it go, move on". Easy to say. I would love to. Even so, with all I've done for the kids, time I devoted to them, gifts, advice, shoulder to cry on over 25 years, I was excluded from their graduations and treated as nothing but an ordinary guest at the first wedding. The second one is coming up. I've been told I won't be at the top table. I didn't expect it. But I'm so throughly pee'd off with the whole ghastly saga I feel that I don't want to attend at all and have to put on a brave face, yet again. Not keen on acronyms, so interested only in reactions/advice/commiseration from others who've been there, too. Maybe I won't feel so isolated, angry and guilty for using my parents' hard earned money so wantonly. And I do want to move on, but I don't know how.
Family can be thoughtless and downright unkind. I know how you feel. When my mum passed away she'd converted to a religion so the funeral director didn't even acknowledge me in his speech because I'd been born out of wedlock. He mentioned my half sister and step brother. It was arranged in a way where I didn't get to sit with the family, I was in the middle row.
When my brother from Dad's side got married I wasn't on the table with him & his sister, cousins either, they seated me with the childhood nanny and people they see at Christmas. Families are weird and we mustn't let them get us down if we can help it. We never argued, it's just how the see me and I can't change that. I used to feel hurt but realize it's wasted energy.
Enjoy life as much as you can without them and choose your boundaries. It's tough I know. For me I found it helped to keep my distance but in a polite and positive way, it saves me doing all of the chasing too which was exhausting at times.
Emilymaria, you have my deepest sympathy. I was a first wife to an abusive and violent husband. I left him with my 2 tiny children, for their protection as much as mine. Eventually after 9 years of court cases we got a settlement from him of not very much. It has taken me many years but finally I think, by focusing on the good and lovely things in my life, the people I can help, my friends, etc I am gradually able to put my "regrets", my "sadnesses", to the back of my mind and concentrate on "today and now".
I send you love and positive thoughts, what has happened can't be unhappened. I hope the wedding passes and that you can then get on with the rest of your life! xx
I agree with Eglantine21. You (both together/joint finances etc) presumably would have been paying maintenance to the children anyway and just paid early to be free of her. I understand as a step mum. It is very hard but know that you did it for the children’s wellbeing at the time and that is no bad thing. It is honourable and God sees our hearts and rewards us in His time.
Maybe try to think of the money as your family money i.e. yours and your DH's and you jointly paid her off. I would go to the wedding because she'd love you not to! Be even more beautiful abd glamorous than you already are. I'm not sure about DH not sitting at the top table, he should be there for his child but at the first opportunity he should sit with you and definitely not dance with the ex!
Thank you Lucasmema!
Maybe you should have some counselling to work through this ? Wishing you well.
We all make decisions that seemed to be right at the time. The old 'seemed like a good idea at the time' line. Sometimes we regret those decisions, often bitterly and painfully but we need to accept and own that we are responsible for our own behaviour. You were not forced into making the decisions that you did although you may well have felt under some pressure or obligation.
As your family have said you need to find a way to let it go and move on with your life. It was only money, not a life. You can give yourself credit for being generous and that is not a bad way to be. Other parties don't come out of the episode looking nearly so sweet.
A good counsellor may be able help you with this issue. You only get one life, cherish what you have.
I don't think my posts are seen. Please can someone reply if they see this. Thank you.
It was stupid to pay her - move on!!!
You seem like a genuinely nice person. There's no need to glam up. There's no chance of you behaving badly at the wedding but the truth needs to be known.
Go to the wedding. Wear your oldest clothes, and the most worn shoes. The wedding present you give should be no more than £20. In conversation, make sure you say that you're watching the pennies, and the reasons why - you've given your inheritance money to that woman.
Seriously, what's the worst that can happen now? After all the lies told about you, it's time you tell truths to that side of the family. If your stance is not to rock the boat, they continue to lie and turn people against you.
I have experienced something similar, not handing over any inheritance, but directly supporting her as she didn't work. I decided after 30 years to write to offer an olive branch as our families are so intertwined. A letter I felt was something that could be assimilated and thought over at leisure. It has had a very positive result - a letter in return and a subsequent brief meeting where we have both agreed to move forward positively. It's not healthy to dwell on the past and what has/hasn't happened and what our roles might have been. Life as they say is too short. As someone once said to me - every minute that you are angry, you lose 60 seconds of happiness.
Did her marriage break up because of you, if so she will never forgive you -"hell hath no fury like a woman scorned'. You must stop it as she never will.
Thank you mermaid66. Vgilbert, I believe your last paragraph holds excellent advice for Emilymaria...
The cheek of her to ask. I understand feeling unable to say no when asked such a thing. I'm very angry for you. Sadly your only choice is to accept that it has happened and move forward as you can't get it back. Go to the wedding, I feel it may do you no favours to not attend. Best wishes, Emily.
compensated for being almost a single parent to THEIR children.
'Compensated' for sitting on her derriere and refusing to work? She's been well compensated by her ex-husband, his second wife owes her nothing.
This sounds terribly familiar to me, travelling up and down motorways, constant requests for money and a wedding coming up, I feel your pain, What I would say is, if the money paid out has got this woman out of your lives then it was money well spent. X
Paddyann, what a horrible post. You sound like a very bitter vindictive person. The OP has been a loving supportive step mum who has been over generous to a money grabbing ex wife to whom she owed nothing. She sounds a kind person who asked for our advice and support not someone sounding very like the exwife.
@Newatthis she met the husband 2 years after he split with his first wife so I don't think she was the reason
Catwoman, yes I see your post.
What a great bunch you are - thank you! To paddyanne - the children were definitely not 'put on a shelf', my husband absolutely adored them and still does. Some fathers lose touch altogether. At the time, he had to live where he did in order to earn enough to pay the maintenance demanded. The ex had threatened to keep him in court for the rest of his life if she didn't get the (my) money - and had wealthy family backing her. This was a spite mission. We did have a good solicitor but, after 14 grisly years (some of the other stunts the ex pulled were beyond venomous) and many solicitors' bills, my mental health was suffering. I caved in. You may see now why I wouldn't even want to sit at a top table with the embodied antithesis of all I believe is good about women. My husband would prefer to sit with me, but his place is up there with the child he loves. Shame "The Life and Loves of a She Devil" has already been written, isn't it? But yes, I will glam up, I will be charm itself - and I will stay away from anything that might loosen my tongue (then get absolutely plastered at home). Bless you all.
@paddyanne I do not understand your position. Emilymaria did not create these children, she is not the mother nor the father. The inheritance was from her mother. I am a single parent and do not expect to be "compensated" beyond the child maintenance I recieve which is for my child. Especially not from my child's step mother. Nor would I ever use my child as a meal ticket. Is the joy of raising the children not compensation in itself? Why do you see children as a transaction or something to be paid for? Do mothers with less than helpful partners need compensation for pulling most of the weight? Had it been the husband's inheritance your position may make sense, but we also don't know the circumstances under which they spilt, or if this woman has gotten remarried to a supportive and helpful husband and thus has not had to singlehandedly raise the children.
No one is entitled to any money that was not given to them regardless of the circumstances, especially the inheritance belonging to their exes new wife from their deceased mother.
Seeing you CatWoman!
they saw the children ONCE a fortnight thats not co parenting in my book .If it was your daughter whose ex thought it was fine to see HIS children 2 days out of 14 would you be happy about it ...honestly double standards on here are astounding .I can just imagine the vitriol about SIL's who left daughters to raise children alone and who thought chucking things at them made up for it .
I am moved by your regrets but can only say that money is only money. You have used it for a reason, and after all, you have the love and companionship of your husband. It is a universal law that only when you allow yourself to forgive this ex can you move on and be free of her toxic presence in your lives. Forgiveness is a very powerful way of releasibg yourselffrom the wounds of thepast. It is a hard, spiritual work, and you do not need to tell her. But by doing so, you will be free of revrwt and re rimination, and able to live lifeto the full with thelove of your life. You are veryblessed to have him. Enjoy.
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