It is hard but for the sake of your sanity try and let it go. Give the children a copy of her letter and a copy of solicitors. You should never have given her any and your husband should never have agreed to it. She will end up a bitter old lady that no one wants to know. If your husband is paying for the wedding go along and make sure everyone knows as it is also your money, enjoy yourself and make sure she sees you doing it. My SiL has an ex who likes to make life untolerable for them, he had left her before he meet my daughter. My daughter has now turned, heaven help the ex.
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Stepchildren, family events & ex-wives
(108 Posts)I met my husband 2 years after he and his first wife separated. We married four years later. He had two children, I had none (sadly, we didn't have a child of our own). We lived 200 miles distant from them, something that was neither his choice nor fault. We spent years flogging up and down the motorway once a fortnight to see the children who vacillated unpredictably in their reactions and feelings towards us. This, I learned, was due to a regular drip of poison from the ex and her family. Poor kids. They were used as meal tickets, weapons, leverage and excuses, but rarely treated simply as children. The ex sat in a well of self-pity for years, as a highly qualified woman, wouldn't even take part-time jobs in her field and wouldn't consider meeting someone else because her ex husband had 'ruined her life'. She lied to the children, cheated over money and didn't let up on demands even when my husband was being treated for cancer. Her reasoning over the last? "Nobody asks me how I am." Eventually, when my mother died, she wanted a lump of my inheritance. After much soul-searching I agreed to turn it over in exchange for full and final settlement (she even lied about that to the children, saying she 'didn't know' it was my inheritance - but we have the solicitors' letters proving, unequivocally, that she did). All this from a 'committed Christian' - her words. My problem is that, ten years later, it still eats away at my soul that I gave a woman, for whom I have nothing but contempt, money that my parents worked for. My husband and his, now, adult children say "Let it go, move on". Easy to say. I would love to. Even so, with all I've done for the kids, time I devoted to them, gifts, advice, shoulder to cry on over 25 years, I was excluded from their graduations and treated as nothing but an ordinary guest at the first wedding. The second one is coming up. I've been told I won't be at the top table. I didn't expect it. But I'm so throughly pee'd off with the whole ghastly saga I feel that I don't want to attend at all and have to put on a brave face, yet again. Not keen on acronyms, so interested only in reactions/advice/commiseration from others who've been there, too. Maybe I won't feel so isolated, angry and guilty for using my parents' hard earned money so wantonly. And I do want to move on, but I don't know how.
paddyanne What a particularly unpleasant piece of work you do sound. Maybe there’s something in your past that’s made you react so nastily to the OP’s post?
Emilymaria Please don’t take such bitterness on board.
@tickingbird Thanks for asking. Both children had left school, one was at university, the other had already left. My husband was made redundant and applied to cease payments to her. We had to submit all financial documents.
Too late having this discussion now. You should have given her nothing. Obviously a very sad person who does not have a life.
Eglantine21 - What she said, great advice! Being asked why the hell you gave her money in the first place isn't massively helpful! The fact is you did and nothing you can do will change that, so try to let it go. Try some CBT. Practice techniques every day so that healthy thinking comes naturally and it may help to eradicate any feelings of anger and guilt. I bet your parents would be proud of you for being a kind and thoughtful person. 
Bluegrass....
yes!
You would really benefit from some good quality counselling sessions, to dump the guilt of using your parents money this way - but surely it seemed like the best idea at the time?
Don't go to the wedding if you don't want to, you are a woman in your own right who can make decisions in YOUR best interest. I have a saying, revenge is a dish best served cold. Before you die, take equity release on the property go on cruises, holidays, buy nice cars, so that when you die, the whole ungrateful lot get nothing!
What an absolute disgusting reply, you must be one nasty piece of work. If you read the message properly THEY did the travelling never the so-called mother. If you can't say anything positive and constructive you should keep nasty opinions to your self.
Please don’t let this eat away at you any longer... one life and all that....
Second wife's often get a poor deal . I don't know why you gave you husband's first wife any of your inheritance but I expect you had your reasons at the time. There is no point continuing with negative thoughts , no good can come of this. Go to the wedding if you have been invited, but if you still love your husband focus on the future, planning a happy retirement together. It is our relationships with people that care about us that matters the most, in the long run.
What a terrible story.
You must have been made to feel so guilty to be persuaded to give her part of your inheritance from your own parents. As a sinner and a Catholic, my alarm bells always ring when anyone calls themselves a "committed Christian".
Now the children are grown though, you are free to be frank with them about how things have been for you over the years.
8ellie666* that'll be the so called mother who looked after them and raised them 12 out of every 14 days .I cant abide men who think its fine to let others raise their kids and then want their new partners to be treated like a mum...when clearly he wasn't even a dad most of the time .Yes I feel very strongly about it because I've seen the effect of children firt hand and its ahard watch.People who remarry should remember their children ought to come first ...not their new woman .A child isn't aplaything to be disgarded or picked up every two weeks and moaned about because they aren't thrilled you deigned to show face .
Clearly you would all be delighted if your childrens fathers had behaved in this way .....
To be honest I’d tell the lot of them where to go - seems you are being disrespected at every turn so don’t give any of them any air time - they don’t deserve it.
You write your mental health was suffering, well you can't put a price on well being.
I think your Mum would be proud of you to fight so hard to be able to see your step children. Lots would have walked away or let it break them as a couple.
The step children's mum will never have what you have clearly got compassion and a determination to love others in spite of...but also a great relationship with your husband.
Leave any bitterness with the step children's mum, sounds like as a step mum you have and are doing a brilliant job.
I am a bit confused why you felt you had to give her some of your inheritance monies, am I missing something here. X
You need to let your bitterness go and think of the children stuck in the middle. None of this is their fault and I imagine they are desperate to keep the peace.
The ex didn’t force you to give her your inheritance, it was your choice and you could have chosen to hold onto it. You gave it with strings attached because you wanted to change the dynamic between you. You now have to let this go otherwise the bitterness will eat away at you.
I’m a step mum but there’s no mum as she sadly died several years before I met DH. My lovely DIL to be will struggle with a similar wedding dilemma as her parents are divorced and both remarried but she doesn’t get on so well with dad’s new wife. I will do whatever is required to help support Step-son and DIL on the day.
There wasn't a "choice" to "give" the inheritance money. As his wife, her money was also his, and so was considered 'joint assets' when calculating maintenance or alimony.
That's what I've understood from the OP.
Until you've lived this 1st family, 2nd family thing, you probably can't understand how manipulative some people can be.
Good luck Emily x
@paddyanne - there were specific circumstances that I can't go into because they are unique and risk identification of those involved. All I can say is my husband was put in an intolerable position. No, he didn't co-parent on a regular basis, his ex wife made that utterly impossible. And he could not have supported them all had he not lived where he did - again, there was a very good reason for this. But you seem to have made a judgement rooted in your 'beliefs', regardless of the reality of the situation. Hope you, too, find some respite.
Totally agree with paddyanne.
Apparently you must have been unconsciously hoping for some kind of acceptance or inclusion into your husband’s family to have given of your own inheritance. It was a mistake and the only person to be angry with is yourself. Your only family was your second husband. HE chose you. Not them. Period. The others owed you nothing. That said, holding onto resentment is like “drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”
Perhaps you should try counselling. It is understandable that you feel angry. What a despicable woman. But it is not good for you to hang onto this. Counselling will help you to let go. As for the adult children, they will have been brainwashed most of their lives and are possibly still under her control. Take good care x
Your husband should be affirming you and making you know you’re number one and giving you all the praise and thanks you deserve. That is where your problem lies. He should be willing to put you first in front of his children. His children have grown up now yet you still feel bottom of the pile. That’s because he didn’t make you feel the most important person in his life all these years and you felt second to his ex and children. Now they’re off your hands you still feel in their shadow. Husband needs to show willing to sit with you at the wedding and not at the top table! He needs to publicly show you are number one.
You must insist on sitting with your husband at the wedding. He should support you in this. There are lots of ways this could be accommodated. Second families are always difficult, but you two need to stick together.
After the wedding I would try to distance myself from the ex and have nothing to do with her. Just maintaining contact in a civil way with his adult children should suffice.
I agree with others on here who can’t understand why you gave that woman your inheritance, but you need to find a new focus and move on. Maybe find a new hobby or interest plus do some meditation/mindfulness to help to distance yourself from the stress.
Re seating at the wedding.
At my daughter’s wedding, there was no top table, they were all round. Bride and groom sat with bridesmaid and groomsman and their partners. I and my now husband had a table with my relatives, as did my ex, and the groom’s parents.
At my son’s wedding, my husband and I were not on top table. We had a table with our relatives. My son’s father was on top table. I have no idea where his wife sat, but if it was top table I have forgotten, so that shows it really does not matter. I was much happier being with my family than being stuck on show on top table.
Hope this helps.
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