Stepchildren, family events & ex-wives

There is a saying: “Take the word ‘should’ out of your vocabulary”, which is rather wise. You can’t do anything about the money, but with all your heart and soul, you do not want to be at that wedding, which sounds like something out of the Adams family. Your whole being resonates against it, although you feel you ‘should’ be there. Think of yourself. There comes a time in life when we must do as we wish rather than pleasing others. What a weight off your shoulders if you are not going! Invent something, it’s only one day.
I haven’t seen a very close family member for years, it’s far too toxic and no good would come of it. Yes, it’s like a death, but for the best.
I think you should have a clean break from that side of the family and I wish you a happy future.?

What is done is done and what you did was extremely generous.... but the only person that is being harmed by rehashing is you.... go to the wedding looking as glamorous and happy as you can..imagine you are acting a part...even if you are gritting your teeth. People will look and think...ah I can see why he left his wife for her ?

Is your husband on the top table? If so then you should be with him, not sitting alone on another table. If you are separated I would simply not go. What is your husband doing to support you ?

You did what you felt you had to do at the time. Many of us have been there too and regretted it with the benefit of hindsight. It's hard not to re run these injustices in your mind especially as more continue to arrive. Tell yourself firmly that you are not going to permit it any more, what's done is done, but no more. It's time to put number one first - and that my dear is you! Finding someone to talk to about this is essential, a trusted friend or a counsellor. I wish you well.

I would not have given her any money in the first place,so it wouldn't be an issue years later,as for his kids,well they sound as bad as their mother! Why would you give her your money? It was your husband who got divorced from her not you,it was up to him to have 'settled it' before you even met him,if he hadnt,then tough titty for her! You need your own inheritance now for your future,pension ,etc old age ! Sorry,i feel for you but you should never have handed her anything and dont understand why your hubby even let you or even entertained the idea- in fact,how did she even know you had it? Cause it was none of her business in the first place. Im divorced,i certainly wouldnt expect any 'new wife' to hand me over any of her own money, years after my divorce,in fact ive never heard of such a thing before!

Just remember this is not your wedding and whats happening is the norm in these situations.

I wouldn't have handed my inheritance over to her. It was despicable that she asked but I'm not surprised. I would suggest counselling to help you get rid of your anger over it. It's never easy in the step situation. You need to.be able to talk openly and honestly with your husband.

Many fathers would be overjoyed to have their children more often but ex wives tend to be against this. They tend to hold all the cards even if they are feckless, alcoholic and tell terrible lies to their children. For years my husband paid the ex maintenance, had the kids for tea every night of the week, bought new clothes/shoes for them, remade their lunch boxes for school because what she sent was embarrassing. However, when she suddenly moved to the other end of the country to follow her boyfriend with the kids there was nothing we could do. Now she complains that she brought them up without their father!

You need to let this go, what has happened in the past has happened and you cannot change it. Dwelling on it will do you no good and just give you stress and probably bad health.

As for the wedding, well first when my daughter got married we asked her who she wanted to give her away and how she wanted people seated. She choose my husband, her stepdad to give her away as she believed he had always been there for her, sat with her in hospital, helped out with her insulin injections and many other things. Despite her learning difficulties she had thought though, she still loved her dad but it was her stepdad who had stood by her.

So all and sundry were invited, ex-husband and anyone he choose to bring but on the understanding he wasn't on the top table. He accepted and was understanding about it all.

My advice would be, if you can't sit with your husband then don't go, why should you be treated with so little respect. A wedding is suppose to be a happy occasion not a time for scoring points. Speak to your husband and ask him to back you up, if not stay way, treat yourself to a day out at a spa or something instead. Good luck with it all. Typed with out my glasses as I have once again lost them so excuse any errors.

Great idea from Eglantine21. Pull out all the stops, smile, charm everyone at the wedding.
I do think your dh is not supporting you as he could. My husband and I didn't go to his daughters' weddings as there had been little or no effort on their behalf to keep in touch or respond to him. They controlled him for so long with 'do this or we won't love you any more' behaviour. Then they were upset because their father wasn't going to be there to give them away - suddenly he wasn't manipulated by them. As adults your husbands daughters should not treat you in such a shabby way. They are simply old enough to know better.

Paddyann .. there are 2 sides to every story ... I am a step-mum and it's one of the hardest things I've done in my life. My husband is totally committed to his children but unlike his ex-wife has to work for a living and to support the children. They come to us every other weekend plus a weeknight dinner unless of course she decides she doesn't want to let the children come and disrupt contact which has happened frequently. A court order is in place to attempt to stop her disrupting this but the only sure thing that has come from this is a large financial cost to us for the legal help. My step children often tell me they love me and are very affectionate and I take on the 'role of mum' when they are with us. The only holidays they have are ones with us too, although the last two have been cancelled by her last minute as she couldn't get her own way and was punishing their father .. the children were the ones who suffered most with this though as per usual when she throws a hissy fit. Not all Dads are good but there are some pretty hellish Mums too! And yes I was a single mum too and did everything I could to keep mine in touch with their Dad as we had an amicable split, but he lost interest when he met a new woman a few months after and his weekends off were his time to enjoy not spend with his kids!!

I am so sad that you are unable to move on from all this and are letting it spoil your life. I had problems with husband’s ex-wife and my step-daughter but, since my husband died nearly four years ago, have not seen either of them (once will settled). I just pretend they don’t exist and get on with my life without giving them another thought. I do hope you can learn to do this.. it will do you no good to brood on it. What is in the past needs to stay there.

I have had a hard time with my partners family over the years. He always let them 'win' and eventually, I had to acknowledge that the only person suffering was me.

I decided to switch off the feelings I had because I didn't want to keep feeling bad. I was the one making myself miserable. Mostly it worked. Not always but mostly.

I don't do anything with his family that I don't want to now. He's passed up the right to expect a companion at those events.

Do what you need to for you. Stop punishing yourself for what can't be changed. And if you don't want to go to that wedding, don't. Give yourself what you need.

You have my sympathy but bitterness will only make you a very unhappy lady. Your bitterness will not endear you to anyone as it will eat away at you. Give it up and look at all the positives in your life. You might find there is indeed pleasure to be had.

eazybee Stop making sweeping generalisations. You know nothing about the OP’s husband and Paddyanne us far from right.

Crikey you are so harsh!

If I was seated by myself and my husband was on the top table I would not be attending the wedding and would probably dump the silly man.

Eazybee how do you know husband was the guilty party? My Mum was just dreadful to my Dad and the children for years. She had a dreadful temper and she made our lives a misery. If my Dad had left I would have blamed her completely. I am now in a second marriage. My second husband was divorced by his ex after she had an affair not him. When he met me 2 years later she did her utmost to make our lives a misery and children were adult by then. I have known many separated mums refuse to allow Dad to see the children beyond the minimum which has caused distress to the Dad. Yes some Dads don’t take their responsibilities seriously but many do. Just because a woman says she is heartbroken does not mean that the mans heart isn’t broken as well.

Paddyanne's post may seem harsh, but it also true.
The poster doesn't seem to have taken any regular share in the children's upbringing, and not having brought up children herself does not realise the financial and emotional costs.
It is crass to say that "she wouldn't consider meeting someone else because her ex husband had 'ruined her life"; he seems to have been the guilty party and she may have felt real grief at the loss of her husband and marriage.

A second wife should be aware that her husband's children will be a perpetual charge on him ; my daughter is in this situation and fully understands that they are number one priority, but she loves the children and takes a full share in their upbringing.

For a man to use his second wife's inheritance to pay off his first wife seems incredible and the poster needs to consider his role in this ; he couldn't access it unless she agreed. How did the first wife know about it?

Tickets for graduations are strictly limited, and it is correct that second spouses are not seated at the top table if the wedding is formal; perhaps it is the children who do not want their stepmother there, particularly if they are aware of all the bitterness and resentment she is harbouring.

Sorry....maybe I misunderstand...but your stepchild is marrying and you are not to be placed at the top table...but your husband is? and he is ok with this? and he is there minus a partner? Im afraid if this was happening in our household, my husband would be telling his child that he wants his partner by his side. You have earned this place over the years. No top table, Im afraid I would develop a very bad stomach upset on the day.

For new posters, beware the return of the bitter paddyanne with both barrels. Don't get her started on Scotland v England, you ain't seen nothing yet.

Why did you give her money from your mothe?. She had no right legally or morally. I think you were wrong to do so, and surely your solicitor wouldn’t have suggested you should.

Paddyanne my gosh

Oh dear - I want to give you a big hug - I know what it’s like being a step mum but luckily we all get on. Yes I agree I think you should sit with your husband at the wedding - albeit maybe not on the top table - we did though. The children are not children anymore and should have some respect for your feelings - they may one day be placed in the same situation !!! Re the inheritance - well it’s done now put your thoughts in a box and shut it - nothing can be done so move on and enjoy your life. At the wedding hold your head high regardless of maybe not feeling like it - I do hope you manage to have a nice time as it is so difficult sometimes ! Hugs to you xx

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