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Absence of a thank you for gifts

(108 Posts)
philly Thu 19-Nov-20 09:48:31

I have just got to get this off my chest !! In the last year I have sent 3 'new baby' gifts and one wedding present to the daughters of close friends. This exercise has cost me over £100. As of this moment I have not received a word of thanks either verbal or written. To say I am furious is an understatement. Is it unreasonable to expect to be thanked ?

My friends would be mortified if they knew.

Another mutual friend sent an exquisite pram blanket she had spent 12 hours knitting to one of these new Mums. She also is very very angry and hurt that she also has not been thanked.

Am I being unreasonable to expect a bit of common courtesy ?

geekesse Thu 19-Nov-20 09:55:51

Why are you making such an effort for the daughters of friends? Friends I can understand, but their family members are not your friends themselves.

I’d think it rather odd to receive a gift from someone I don’t really know.

MawBe Thu 19-Nov-20 09:56:49

Not at all - but on behalf of mums of new babies everywhere, I found it hard to find the time to go to the loo in those first weeks and months.
The savvy thing is to have thank you cards ready, possibly with a baby pic on them (easy enough to do from a phone or online) and then all the recipient of the gift has to do is top and tail it and get Dad to address the envelope. Same with wedding presents- if the giver was not at the wedding a picture of the bride and groom a few words of thanks - job done!
TBH an email or text these days is better than nothing and however understanding I am “in my head” it is still nice to feel a gift is appreciated.

Witzend Thu 19-Nov-20 09:59:09

YANBU, but thank-you notes do seem to be a dying art. It does grate on me, though. A niece’s two children - now grown up - have never once sent so much as an email, not even for a substantial cheque for their 18th.

Her sibling’s children have always sent a little note.

Having said that, I was astonished just the other day to receive a beautifully hand-written card from the daughter of an ex colleague, after I sent a little present for her newborn twins.
They were barely 3 weeks old!
I always knew she was a highly organised person, but even so!

Blossoming Thu 19-Nov-20 10:04:04

I don’t think I’d be furious or angry. I’d feel disappointed maybe but it wouldn’t bother me really. I don’t give expecting thanks back, I enjoy giving smile

MawBe Thu 19-Nov-20 10:08:20

On a personal note, I remember as a child bring “sat down” by my mother on Boxing Day to write my thank-you letters, do you?
I am glad to see DD does the same with the DGCs -albeit often with a card. It’s the thought that counts .
(What I also remember was the longer I put it off, the longer the letter had to be! )

Toadinthehole Thu 19-Nov-20 10:19:42

We only ever give gifts to children, and then it’s only those in the family. If my friends became grandparents, I may send a card, and perhaps something small. I don’t know, because it’s not happened yet. I’d most likely forget afterwards anyway. It would never be anything extravagant.

I don’t think you should ever give with any expectations. I always had to write so many’ thank you letters’, for things I didn’t want a lot of the time, and certainly didn’t expect. That might be why I don’t like getting presents now.

Young people today have faster agendas. I also find there’s a tendency not to say ‘ please’ and ‘thank you’. Different times. Perhaps next time, if you still want to give a gift...send it through your friends, so they also know you’ve sent it. The absence of good manners is a reflection on them, and I’d want to know about it.

Nortsat Thu 19-Nov-20 10:30:34

We seem to receive thank you cards and notes from most members of the family... though they might take a while ...

Now we seem to get little videos on Facebook of the children opening their gifts ... which we always gratefully receive.
We sent a baby blanket to Oz recently and received a lovely video of little one rolling on it ...

During lockdown, we much prefer the little videos to a ‘thank you’ note.

eazybee Thu 19-Nov-20 10:53:15

You have every right to be disappointed; it is common courtesy to send an acknowledgement and thanks for a present. Nothing to stop the father of the child sending a brief note.

I found exactly the same thing; presents sent to daughters of friends completely ignored; not even a verbal thank you, as in 'she was so pleased; it was kind of you', almost the feeling that I was trying to intrude in a family occasion.

Presents to former colleagues and daughter's friends entirely different: gifts acknowledged by a computer generated printed card showing a picture of the new baby and exciting details of name, weight, appearance etc, with a few handwritten words scribbled at the bottom. Delightful.

jenpax Thu 19-Nov-20 11:06:45

I recall as a child being forced to write thank you letters within 3 days of the gift being given, and I hated it! My own mother insisted on the them from my own children, and I do not expect them from my grandchildren. I am happy for a text or quick mention in a call, this is sufficient with their very busy lives

philly Thu 19-Nov-20 11:18:05

I have known these girls since they were born !

Daisymae Thu 19-Nov-20 11:18:21

I dont think that you are being unreasonable. However I guess that it really is a lack of gratitude as people have so much nowadays. I do think it's bad manners but I have to say not an infrequent thing to happen. Personally I find it a bit deflating when you have gone to a lot of trouble to locate just the right gift and then never hear anything. Then I wonder if I have missed the mark......

Vickysponge Thu 19-Nov-20 12:52:14

philly

I have just got to get this off my chest !! In the last year I have sent 3 'new baby' gifts and one wedding present to the daughters of close friends. This exercise has cost me over £100. As of this moment I have not received a word of thanks either verbal or written. To say I am furious is an understatement. Is it unreasonable to expect to be thanked ?

My friends would be mortified if they knew.

Another mutual friend sent an exquisite pram blanket she had spent 12 hours knitting to one of these new Mums. She also is very very angry and hurt that she also has not been thanked.

Am I being unreasonable to expect a bit of common courtesy ?

Completely agree. Some people have no manners. Totally unacceptable.

BBbevan Thu 19-Nov-20 13:23:05

I agree also.If I do not get a Thank You after the 3rd present, they get no more. My list is getting smaller every year

Septimia Thu 19-Nov-20 14:08:52

It's bad manners.

I always send money - admittedly a small amount - to our niece's children and usually some small Christmas presents. There was a half-hearted attempt at thanks at first then nothing. I shan't stop, but I'm not pleased.

I'd be quite happy with a texted acknowledgement.

Doodledog Thu 19-Nov-20 14:30:11

I don't expect thank you letters these days. I'm happy with a text or mention on FB, and even that is more so that I know that whatever it was has survived the post. It can be worrying to send a hand-made gift (and in my experience a baby blanket will take a lot more than 12 hours to knit!) and not know if it arrived or not.

Sometimes, as others have said, the expectation of thank you letters sucks the joy out of receiving presents - particularly at times when people get a lot at once, such as weddings and when they have a baby. They are a throwback to the days when life was slower, women didn't work and had more time for things like that.

I used to get my children to ring and thank people personally, which was usually appreciated more than a letter.

To digress slightly - one thing that does annoy me is when I am asked whether my (adult) children have received a gift/card from my mother. I have no idea, as they live miles away grin. Also, my mum has their numbers, and can text/call them as easily as I can, and I am no longer responsible for teaching them manners.

I agree that they should thank my mum if she sends them things, but they both work in normal times, and as often as not they have to go to the sorting office to collect an item that she found in the charity shop where she works (or used to before lockdown) and they didn't really want grin. I have told her that they don't really want ornaments or other 'clutter', but it goes in one ear and out the other.

Antonia Thu 19-Nov-20 14:39:43

You are not at all unreasonable. I expect a thank you if I have taken the trouble to send a gift. I have one set of grandchildren who write thank you cards for every gift we (DH and I) send, even if the children have said thank you on the internet.
Another grandchild gets presents and we never hear a word.
It was always drummed into us as children that the right thing to do was to send a thank you card or letter. I accept that these days, an email is enough, but there should be some kind of acknowledgement. It seems that good manners are rare these days.

Astral Thu 19-Nov-20 14:42:51

I think it's a bit unreasonable to be furious about it. I understand the disappointment. Young people communicate mostly online now and new babies... Oh dear, I was lucky to have time for a shower let alone a personal note. Give gifts for the people whose day you want to brighten, not in expectation of a thank you. Gifts should be about the receiver not the giver

Woodmouse Thu 19-Nov-20 14:43:46

You are not being unreasonable. Personally I would make contact in some way to ask if the gift was received/suitable. There is absolutely no excuse for not thanking someone for a gift. It is basic courtesy. I wouldn't bother in future if I was you. Your time/effort and the cost clearly doesn't mean much to any of them.

seacliff Thu 19-Nov-20 16:54:29

I would be annoyed not to hear anything. Just a brief email or text would be OK. I was made to write thankyou notes too as a child and it was not my favourite task,. However I just think it is so rude not to acknowledge in any way.

I just wonder if these days people would care if they didn't get any presents. Maybe they have so much that they are not bothered either way.

Marilla Fri 20-Nov-20 09:49:14

The younger generation don’t write thank you cards/letters any more. However, as they are always texting on their phones, it takes no time at all to send a thank you text.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all.

CarlyD7 Fri 20-Nov-20 09:52:25

In your shoes, I would ask each of my friends (with an innocent air) if their children received the gift safely? That serves two purposes: (a) it alert your friends that you've not heard back; and (b) hopefully, your friends will tell their children off for not contacting you. If that doesn't work, then maybe don't bother in the future? (This used to happen with the children of a friend of mine - I stopped giving them presents/money, and I doubt they even noticed!)

mbody Fri 20-Nov-20 09:53:58

Son of friend who lives in US had baby a couple of years ago. I sent card and present. No word of thanks. New baby just born who will not be getting anything as a result of such rudeness.

Cp43 Fri 20-Nov-20 09:55:39

You send polite follow up email or letter saying as you hadn’t heard from them did it ever arrive. They will be so embarrassed and respond immediately. Or maybe it didn’t arrive.
But I agree thank you or acknowledgments are good manners.
No thank you means no future gifts.

Caro57 Fri 20-Nov-20 09:56:49

Agree - no thanks really irritates me. Even a text is better than nothing