A relationship expert becomes exasperated!

These days people do write their own vows - reflecting what they feel is important about their relationship, I suppose, rather than what has been the accepted status quo. Perhaps there is room for some kind of time-limited contract, even the old custom of being handfast for a year and then parting amicably if they do not want to renew the relationship. Some halfway house between a one-night stand and a life sentence. Children do complicate the issue though, and blaming money (or lack of) is ignoring the personality clashes without which the financial problems might have been overcome.

Oh dear! "look like as if"!

Argh!

One thing I do feel sure about, and that is that we can't judge why other people 'throw in the towel'. I agree, crimson, that sometimes failing sleb marriages look like as if they're just throwing in the towel because all is not sweetness and light in spite of their money (so money doesn't cure anything either), but we cannot know. It took me many years to decide that I might as well leave my first husband because, to all intents and purposes, I didn't feel married to him any more! This was without unfaithfulness on either side, and we parted as amicably as possible and, after the legal stresses were over, without any hard feelings either way. Nobody, but nobody else, can know how I felt and why I acted as I did. And, as far as I'm concerned, I didn't break any vows. They had dissolved of their own accord.

I guess I'm arguing that it's daft to make divorce a news item. People 'combine' (marry), sometimes (often, even) they grow apart. So what? Human nature. Just get on with it is my view. Obviously the less hassle for children the better. Otherwise... well.... shrug. Reporting it as if it was newsworthy strikes me as a bit judgmental.

Anyway, I've wandered away from the "exasperated" relationships. Or have I?

Sorry. Rambling.

I think that, perhaps, the balance has gone awry. It is right that no one should have to stay in an unhappy marriage, but, at the same time people do throw in the towel too easily [expecting everything to be happy all the time?]. Outside pressures, as well, from having to have 'new' everything. I used to wonder, when they had those programmes about people buying second homes abroad [don't seem to be on as much now] how many people felt failures because they could only afford one home? My husband thought everyone was blissfully happy and lived in immaculate houses with wonderful meals every day, because that's how marriages were when he visited people; I used to tell him it was because 'they had a visitor' but he didn't get it.

I keep trying to write a coherent reply to your comment, elegran, but I'm failing miserably. I hope you don't mind if I worry the subject in my mind for a bit longer. I do question whether it matters that the divorce rate is rising though. The pertinent thing is that stresses, including money worries, affect people's personal relationships. Is anyone surprised if the effects are sometimes negative? Also, perhaps we need an alternative to the current marrige vows.

Bagitha My comment was a follow-on from crimson 's quote, that 'when poverty walks through the door, love flies out the window.....'.

I had just read in www.telegraph.co.uk/relationships/divorce/8942912/Divorces-rise-for-first-time-since-2003.html

that
"The increase in the number of divorces, the first since 2003, follows years of decline as more and more couples have chosen to live together rather than getting married." ............. "John Loughton, Head of Public Policy at Relate, the marriage guidance charity, said: “It's no surprise that the divorce rate is rising given the pressures that couples and families are under. In fact we are seeing more people than ever coming to Relate because of money worries.”

Not sure of the relevance of who invented marriage vows. The vows are made voluntarily between a couple who are promising to support one another through thick and thin. If the financial side is thinner than they anticipated, that need not make an unhappy marriage if they pull together.

crimson

Strangely enough, it was the opposite with my marriage. We muddled through all the difficult time [living in bedsits,threat of unemployment etc] but split up when we were reaching a point where we were getting comfortably off and lots of pleasant holidays beckoned. My doctor said it was often the case; it was as if it was the struggling that held us together. Maybe it was the thought of actually having to spend time together that was the problem!

Just think about who invented marriage vows. It puts it all in perspective. It's good that people no longer need to feel trapped in unhappy relationships.

Elegran- hadn't you noticed that marriage vows are made to be broken and I fear it was ever thus. It's just that it's so much easier (though far from cheap) to get a divorce nowadays. I am - and have good reason to be - a cynic.

crimson Have you noticed the news that the divorce rate is zooming up. So much for "better or worse, richer or poorer" or have they removed those from the marriage vows now?

My mum always used to say 'when poverty walks through the door, love flies out the window.....'

The accumulated experience on these forums would qualify us to provide 'experts' on almost anything. We could form a consortium!

If she's not used to being on television she would probably have been quite nervous – it is a strange experience. Give her the benefit of the doubt. As for weak clichés – that's the nature of Breakfast and obviously she had to be very general.

One morning on Today programme there was an accidental leakage of backroom chat onto the airwaves, after the Beeb had dragged in two "experts" to give a "balanced view" on something. The words "rentagob" were heard...
They aren't all bad though. A long time ago my DH was on Radio 2, explaining tides. He was a lovely expert, even if I say it myself. But he is an oceanographer by education.

I agree Carol, she was obviously the only one they could get who wasn't Christmas shopping AND she called herself an expert!

The word 'expert' gives me the jitters nowadays. There are more 'experts' in every field than a quick reality check warrants. If I could run a mile whenever I see the word, I would.

I saw that slot and questioned whether she really was a relationship expert. All I heard was a few weak cliches and nothing useful to offer.