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Who on EARTH writes this stuff?

(24 Posts)
phoenix Sun 12-Jun-16 15:52:07

Now, I appreciate that at times it must be quite hard writing the blurb for those little catalogues full of things that you never realised that your life was incomplete without, after all trying to find ways to wax lyrical enough to make seat booster cushions, magnetic knee sleeves, waterproof sheets and spray on mattress cleaner sound enticing might be a bit challenging (although thinking about it, if you used the third item you might not need the fourth?) but idly flicking through an edition of “Home Shopping Selections” that fell out of the Radio Times made me wonder if there might be a gap in the market.

The descriptions seem to come into various categories, from the just plain wrong to the hmm or even yuk.
Here are some examples:

Reproduction Regency Steel Porches, there are 3 different styles, but if you purchase the Dianna or the Georgiana, they helpfully suggest “why not add climbing planters (sic) such as sweet jasmine or wisteria to welcome guests with a complete CACOPHONY of colours and smells”.

Then of course we have the “stating the bleedin' obvious” Who would have thought that the Faux-ivy Privacy Roll was “maintenance free, requires no watering, trimming or sweeping up after in the autumn”?

There is an item labelled “Shower Stool” where the very first line of the description begins “ The only trouble is people like to sit down to wash and take the weight off their feet after a hard day” What? “The only trouble”? If that's your only trouble, then lucky you, also why on earth begin the blurb with that sentence? However, the item does have "a cut away shape to aid personal hygiene" so I suppose it must be very handy for hosing down your haemorrhoids.

Just over the page we have a Deluxe Toilet Safety Support, which has a handy magazine rack on the side (possibly to hold your collection of Home Shopping Selections Catalogues?)

I will gloss over the face cream that seems to be based on some sort of substance that Chilean snail farmers have managed to extract, and is now available for only £29.99 (save £10 if you buy 2, and who wouldn't?)

Now, there seems to have been an error at the printers with regard to the Night Vision Glasses. Apparently, according to the before and after photos, once you've out them on you can't see a damn thing for the glare, or perhaps they are meant for people who like to bring a frisson of excitement to their driving experience.

Proudly displayed on the front cover is the “Lattice Garden Border” a set of plastic panels that slot together in seconds, designed to edge and protect your borders and “enhance the look of your garden”, perhaps you have a garden that WOULD be enhanced by these things, but even if you did I think that saying “Give your garden a touch of individuality and be the envy of your neighbours!” might be going a tad too far. If such items did induce envy, then I suggest that all parties concerned need to get out more.

On page 4 we have the “Easy Ear Cleaner”. The woman using it appears to be in such paroxysms of delight as she inserts it into her ear that it makes me wonder if it has an optional spare part that she is using just out of shot, or perhaps she has mistaken it for a telephone and has been waiting for a call from her beloved. If so she will be disappointed when the “small gentle vacuum” starts sucking out her earwax. Apparently it's a “new advance in personal body care”, which seems odd, as I'm sure I've seen them advertised in similar catalogues for years.

Must admit I was tempted by the glowing pebbles on page 3 though.........blush

Alea Sun 12-Jun-16 16:23:17

Thank you for a real "out loud" laugh, phoenix!! (Especially the "Ear cleaner"!!) blush

Indinana Sun 12-Jun-16 16:30:56

makes me wonder if it has an optional spare part that she is using just out of shot gringringrin
Please post a photo of your glowing pebbles when they arrive phoenix grin

phoenix Sun 12-Jun-16 16:44:54

I didn't actually succumb, Indiana , but was close! I do have collection of very large pebbles that used to be placed over the compost of newly planted up tubs, to deter cats from using them as toilets, and am now wondering about sourcing some luminous/glow in the dark paint..........

phoenix Sun 12-Jun-16 17:20:46

Sorry, damn autocorrect, Indinana!

If you would like to see these products,(including the woman with the ear gadget) the company has a website however you will have to seek out the items yourselves!

ninathenana Sun 12-Jun-16 17:24:29

phoenix is on form again gringrin
Love it !

phoenix Sun 12-Jun-16 17:28:09


cornergran Sun 12-Jun-16 17:39:29

I needed a laugh, phoenix. Will now be forced to look at the catalogue, oh dear. grin

phoenix Sun 12-Jun-16 18:15:55

Enjoy, cornergran grin

Linsco56 Sun 12-Jun-16 18:23:25

That was hilarious, my ribs ache with laughing, just what I needed. grin

phoenix Sun 12-Jun-16 19:24:39

It would seem that I still have the odd moment, God knows why!

Lapwing Sun 12-Jun-16 20:19:31

Thank you phoenix. Does the catalogue have a special product for cleaning keyboards cos I have just spluttered a drink all over mine.

tiggypiro Sun 12-Jun-16 20:29:48

I have said it before phoenix and I shall say it again - you need to go into print to humour a much larger audience than those of us on here. Your observations and turn of phrase are second to none ! So glad you are back on form.

trisher Sun 12-Jun-16 20:33:37

This is funny except for the fact that my 93 year old mother keeps ordering similar things. - 1seat booster cushion, 1 cushion for behind her back that has sort of wings-covered in sheepskin, a collapsing footstool that did exactly that until my DS fixed it. I never know what she is going to come up with next.

phoenix Sun 12-Jun-16 20:35:50

Thank you tiggy, you are very kind! I did try submitting a piece to "The Oldie", about my underwear problems, (the thong on sideways, plus the unfortunate incident on the train blush )but it wasn't accepted.

DanniRae Sun 12-Jun-16 20:44:33

Oh! Phoenix, now we need to KNOW about the unfortunate incident on the train - PLEASE!!

Cherrytree59 Sun 12-Jun-16 20:44:35

phoenix DH heard me giggling and came to investigate.
I tried very hard to read your thread out loud to him.
But I can't - I read a bit and then burst out laughing again.
He has now gone away shaking his head. Possibly thinking I've lost the plot
Thanks for the much needed giggle.

I love Observational humour. grin

phoenix Sun 12-Jun-16 20:56:17

Dannirae that incident has been documented on here before! There are probably some who might remember it.

Jalima Sun 12-Jun-16 21:00:24

That was so funny, thanks Phoenix

I am ordering the ear hoover for DH - it might be the answer to all my problems as he never answers me!!

annodomini Sun 12-Jun-16 22:20:39

phoenix, no wonder the Oldie rejected that anecdote. It might well have caused paroxysms (whatever they are) in a high percentage of the readership. I can't find the original but I'm sure someone can.

Charleygirl Sun 12-Jun-16 22:25:39

I agree wholeheartedly with tiggypiro- okay maybe the Oldie did not appreciate your sense of humour but there must be some magazine which does.

Do you keep a collection of jokes like that? If not, you should. My pea brain is working overtime.

Katek Sun 12-Jun-16 23:10:42

My son used to peruse these little catalogues in order to read his own t
descriptions out loud to the rest of the family One of his favourites was a picture of an elderly lady (hmm clutching an old fashioned ice pack to her head in order to relieve s headache. His blurb??? 'Mugged again, granny?' My particular favourite is the collapsible walking stick. I wonder if it does with the owner also collapsing in an undignified heap?

Katek Sun 12-Jun-16 23:12:10

What is wrong with my typing tonight? Ignore typos- sorry.

rascal Mon 13-Jun-16 06:58:08

Oh phoenix I've had a good laugh! Your great at this! Than you! smile flowers