Who on EARTH writes this stuff?

Now, I appreciate that at times it must be quite hard writing the blurb for those little catalogues full of things that you never realised that your life was incomplete without, after all trying to find ways to wax lyrical enough to make seat booster cushions, magnetic knee sleeves, waterproof sheets and spray on mattress cleaner sound enticing might be a bit challenging (although thinking about it, if you used the third item you might not need the fourth?) but idly flicking through an edition of “Home Shopping Selections” that fell out of the Radio Times made me wonder if there might be a gap in the market.

The descriptions seem to come into various categories, from the just plain wrong to the or even yuk.
Here are some examples:

Reproduction Regency Steel Porches, there are 3 different styles, but if you purchase the Dianna or the Georgiana, they helpfully suggest “why not add climbing planters (sic) such as sweet jasmine or wisteria to welcome guests with a complete CACOPHONY of colours and smells”.

Then of course we have the “stating the bleedin' obvious” Who would have thought that the Faux-ivy Privacy Roll was “maintenance free, requires no watering, trimming or sweeping up after in the autumn”?

There is an item labelled “Shower Stool” where the very first line of the description begins “ The only trouble is people like to sit down to wash and take the weight off their feet after a hard day” What? “The only trouble”? If that's your only trouble, then lucky you, also why on earth begin the blurb with that sentence? However, the item does have "a cut away shape to aid personal hygiene" so I suppose it must be very handy for hosing down your haemorrhoids.

Just over the page we have a Deluxe Toilet Safety Support, which has a handy magazine rack on the side (possibly to hold your collection of Home Shopping Selections Catalogues?)

I will gloss over the face cream that seems to be based on some sort of substance that Chilean snail farmers have managed to extract, and is now available for only £29.99 (save £10 if you buy 2, and who wouldn't?)

Now, there seems to have been an error at the printers with regard to the Night Vision Glasses. Apparently, according to the before and after photos, once you've out them on you can't see a damn thing for the glare, or perhaps they are meant for people who like to bring a frisson of excitement to their driving experience.

Proudly displayed on the front cover is the “Lattice Garden Border” a set of plastic panels that slot together in seconds, designed to edge and protect your borders and “enhance the look of your garden”, perhaps you have a garden that WOULD be enhanced by these things, but even if you did I think that saying “Give your garden a touch of individuality and be the envy of your neighbours!” might be going a tad too far. If such items did induce envy, then I suggest that all parties concerned need to get out more.

On page 4 we have the “Easy Ear Cleaner”. The woman using it appears to be in such paroxysms of delight as she inserts it into her ear that it makes me wonder if it has an optional spare part that she is using just out of shot, or perhaps she has mistaken it for a telephone and has been waiting for a call from her beloved. If so she will be disappointed when the “small gentle vacuum” starts sucking out her earwax. Apparently it's a “new advance in personal body care”, which seems odd, as I'm sure I've seen them advertised in similar catalogues for years.

Must admit I was tempted by the glowing pebbles on page 3 though.........