Access to grandchild denied by daughter-in-law

Hello Lottie, this is a sad and bewildering situation. I presume your DIL knows your son visits but doesn't allow him to bring the children? If that's the case then surely your son holds the key to resolving this...what the heck does she threaten him with? I suggested family mediation to someone else in a similar sitatuion - would this help here?

Thanks mollie. She has not been able to stop our son visiting, but will not allow access to anyone in our family or even our friends, if any of us see her about town, our gd is quickly snatched away!
She refuses to discuss the situation with our son, and since she absolves herself of any wrongdoing, I’m sure would not seek friendly or professional advice (We did suggest this to our son but I think he is to afraid to go there)

Hi Lottie, I'm afraid there may not be a happy way to resolve this problem. It sounds as if you don't see your DIL either, apart from bumping into her in town, does she attend family functions or has she cut herself off completely?
Could you write to her to tell her you miss seeing her and she is always welcome to call around. Small steps may enable progress to be made,
Does your DIL have a mother you could talk to about this? if so she may be able to help the situation along.
It is so sad when parents don't recognise how important grandparents are to their childrens happiness and wellbeing.
Good luck in resolving your difficulties with your DIL and son.

Thanks for that Trueblue.
Yes, she has cut herself off completely, and hates our son attending family functions too!
Some years ago she phoned and said she has no desire to socialise with us, and does not want us going to the house, phoning or even texting!
She has a violent temper, which intimidates both my son and her mother!
Here are some of the things we have tried.
Arranged a visit to her house to hopefully resolve, she went out!
After a long wait she arrived, was abusive and ran off, I was not allowed to speak!
Birthday cards with cheque over several years - torn up and cheques not cashed.
Birthday cards/presents to GD - not allowed in the house.
Birthday/Christmas cards to son – not allowed in the house.
I have spent hours on the internet trying to understand her actions, the nearest profile being narcissistic paranoia. I had no idea that people like this existed and would have thought she would welcome being part of a happy, well balanced family.
Our only link with her is through our son, but he doesn’t seem strong enough to broach this.

Is her behaviour aimed at just you or does she struggle to have relationships with other people too?

I wonder what your son gets out of the relationship, does she have any redeeming features?

Sadly it does not sound like this will change. It's good that you can keep a relationship with your son, shows how strong it is in the face of such strong opposition.

Lottie: I am sorry that your DIL is so unapproachable. I've heard of people behaving like this and it makes my blood boil for it's unreasonable-ness (is there such a word?). But I have to come back to the fact that she is your son's partner and therefore he has rights and responsibilities here too... it must be awful for you not to see the grandchildren but you can't exactly march into the house and make such a demand. But he can at least stand up for himself and his children in this relationship ... it's no good saying she intimidates him and her mother - that's pure bullying and while she gets away with it she will continue to rule the roost. He must think about the future and what life for his children will be like...

Sorry if this sounds harsh but your son needs to act ... please encourage him, even if it means starting by having some counselling to find ways to cope with his wife's behaviour.

Thank you so much for your supportive comments.
I wish we had an answer to babyjacks question “What does your son gets out of the relationship”
She threatens to leave him and take his daughter, but the situation existed before she was born.
She is hard working, intelligent, keeps fit, and can be good company, but we know of no long term friends. It’s almost as if she thinks she’s perfect, and can’t tolerate others that are not.
At first we were told, untruthfully, that she had an unhappy childhood so didn’t understand our close family. Then it was “Well, you have us now so you don’t need them!”
When questioned, our son always replied “We are sorting this out, it will be fine” We worried that he would not keep coming if we kept grousing, so now just listen. He does sneak photographs for us and updates us on GD’s progress, which is nice.

Mollie, you hit the nail on the head! We really worry about the future, a temper tantrum and teenage daughter is an explosive mixture!
We had previously suggested our son visit his GP to somehow entice her to go, but your suggestion that he is the one to educate first is innovative, worth trying and much appreciated!
Thank you.

Lottie
I hope you can persuade your son to see that his situation can only slide downwards and is very unequal...and if he appears to feel bullied then he needs the emotional and practical tools to stop the bullying. The only reason I say all this is that my OH was married to a woman who sounds very like your DIL and I know how he had to walk on eggshells and do things her way or else! That's no way to live for anyone...

Good luck to you all!

Thanks mollie

We just knew there must be others who have experienced someone like this. It’s difficult explaining to others since it doesn’t even sound real or make sense to us. What drives people like this? The situation just makes everyone unhappy including her, which is sad.
So, it is going to be tricky, we don’t want to loose our son. He usually gets upset if we try to discuss this, so we will have to wait for the right moment.
But we do think that your idea is sound, and were never happy just accepting the situation and doing nothing, so for sure will give this a go – wish us luck!

I know her behaviour sounds unreasonable to us but to her it will be totally reasonable. And justifiable. And I expect your son feels he has now power in this situation which explains why he gets upset. But at the very least he needs an outlet to talk and to get some perspective on this awful situation without the other person having a vested interest...encourage him to find some counselling or something similar... I really do wish you all lots of luck...

lottie: hang on in there!
A school friend of mine was not allowed, by her parents, to see her gran. However, Gran kept in contact over the years - much easier when they are older and can read messages, and they are always receptive to money! - and eventually, when the GC were old enough to have freedom, they made their own way to her.

I suppose in this age of mobile phones, the internet, computer banking etc it will be easier to establish contact than it was in the old days.

Hi I have read all these messages with interest. My son has just got married to someone whose behaviour is just like this. My DIL comes from a very disfunctional family mother married twice with 2 sets of children by each partner. DIL hasn't spoken to her older sister in years, neither has the mother. older sister has been married 4 times.......it goes on. Our family were a very close knit family my husband & i are still together after 32 years. 4 years ago my daughter got married and we welcomed our new SIL in like a son. All was very happy. Since the DIL's arrival 4yrs ago our family has completely changed. We live in the same small town but have been told that we are not allowed to pop in, and they will only come to ours if we invite them. My son has completely changed towards me, at Xmas i was told that he was ashamed of me, not to my face but to my husband. He has also told my daughter who is just about to have our first grandchild that i am poisonous and that i will poison this baby against her, at least she could laugh about it because she couldn't believe what she was hearing. He has also told her that i will not be able to see any children they have. If someone had told me this would happen i wouldn't have believed them. My youngest daughter has also been taken in by DIL, she is only 21 and looks up to her, she has changed towards me too. I have just decided to stay out of their way because whatever i say is lied about or twisted.

This is so painful. When my younger daughter 'estranged' herself from me for what seemed to be no reason at all (at the time), I was in despair. I grieved for her, and would have done ANYTHING to get her to allow me back into her life again and it took almost 7 years for this to happen. I realised that I had to let things be, though. The more I tried the more hurt I became, because she just denied my existence. She did allow my granddaughters to come along, though. They were of an age (pre- and early teens), where they made up their own minds about visiting. Eventually though, things softened. Perhaps it was the birth of her own grandchild (my great-grandson). I haven't brought up the issue with her since we've been reunited. I tell her that I love her and she tells me that she loves me. I feel truly blessed. I do so hope that time will tell, and heal all of the bad feeling that has come about. There are, no doubt, many other grans/grandads who will understand just how you're feeling. Take care and just wait and see. Good luck.

Lottie this is a sad situation. Your daughter in law would feel that what she is doing is perfectly okay. People such as these have no concept and no care of anyone else but themselves. I lived with my ex partner for over five years and he is a narcissist. He changed from being a really nice decent man into a nightmare to live with and I felt powerless and was blamed for everything that my ex did. I had never given much thought to personality disorders until I lived with this man.
I feel sad for your family but I do believe it's your grandchildren who need support and its important for them that they don't get left living with a mother that is like this if ever this relationship breaks up. Children of people with personality disorders don't have an easy childhood. It is probably hard for your son to stand up to her but his children are more important than anyone else in this situation. They at the very least would really benefit from having time with their grandparents as all children do.