recovering from betrayal.is it possible?

Thanks noni all I know is that what happened to me made me stronger, and more independent financially and emotionally, and less needy! And as H2 says - all of which makes me more attractive . (Not saying anyone else is any of the above, I'm speaking for myself here). I'd almost go so far as to say I am grateful for the opportunity it provided for me to grow as a person. Hugs to all.

So glad to hear it Grannyknot. Not sure, at my advanced age of 65, whether I can handle starting out on my own again though. I do think at this stage in life it is much more difficult to get a new life and change the way of living. But lets see. I've just had a bad few days, but beginning to feel better again. Onwards and upwards.
Thanks to Kittylester for your kind words, great to know there is so much support out there from all of you.

Noni on your onwards and upwards journey. "The road may be steep but there's a great view from the top" is what my mother would have said.

Thanks Grannyknot, the flowers smell good on my way up!

Hello Dancingfeet,Like you too I am a newcomer to gransnet and I am finding myself talking about things I have only skirted around with friends. I divorced my first husband when my DD was 5yrs old. She is 33yrs now and I have 2 GDs who I adore and even moved to just off the south coast from herefordshire worcetershire boarders 18mths ago(wish I hadnt but not because of the GDs its bliss being near them!)
However I am realising that my 2nd marriage is on increasingly dodgey ground.
Unlike your situation he hasnt done anything drastic. He was diagnosed 3-4yrs ago with an illness I wont go into hear but suffice to say I have been carer and chief financial supporter. I have to say in fairness he has just returned to employment but even here I am holding my breath nwaiting for the next blip to occur. I have been married 21yrs this time and have very liitle respect for him now. numerous events over the years have eroded it. Wont bore you all with them now. I am eaten up with angst about the bigger picure. Friends, GDs(who love him to bits) DD who has a lot of sympathy for him as do friends because of his illness. Also the financial side of things as
that probably means working ad infinitum which as i write it sounds merdinary but there you go thats how I feel. SO I suppose what I am trying to say Dancingfeet is I am so very sorry for your situation and understand but for very different reasons. LOL to allX

Hi janey what a horrid situation for you. Come to gransnet whenever you feel like letting off steam.

I've just realised the date on the last posted comment and feel a bit of a twit as I didnt read it before posting mine. Never the less wishing all those in difficult relationships well and eventual happiness. Thanks kittylester for replying to my comment. I have to say I am in a constant state of "flat" and wonder if I will ever feel up or just happy again. My situation is no where near as bad as a lot of the ladies that have posted on this thread. My heart goes out to you all it really does. Its not a good place to be when its not of your making. It does however make you doubt yourself when bad things happen and sadly we often feel out of a sense of loyalty or misguided guilty feelings that we should cope or "cure" things we stay when we should go maybe? I am in state of "stasis" which i am finding almost debilitating. Just cannot act one way or another and keep thinking things will work out. I dont know how for god sake unless I do something positive,and am not able to be positive at this time. I sure as heck know no-one else will. LOL to you allX

Hi Janey You are absolutely right. The state of stasis which the indecision creates is very debilitating. Eighteen months on from my first post I am still no further on. One week I think I can cope with my living arrangements and the next week I hate myself for not having the courage to walk away. I don't know how old you are, but age has been one of the major factors contributing to my 'stasis'. Also finances of course as I retired many years ago without an independent pension and am reliant on my Hs private pension.
I have been hoping also that things will work out, but without action they just stay the same. I think the action I have to take is acceptance and a willingingness to forgive so that I am able to heal and be able to make proper decisions. Unfortunately I haven't got there yet in spite of all my efforts.
You don't say what your Hs illness is, but I am sure it is nothing you can cure.
It seems by what you say that your family 'love him to bits'. Could you cope with their reaction if you left? In spite of what my H has done it hasn't made any difference to the way my daughters feel about him. They just want things to stay as they are.
It seems maybe that you are grieving for a lost relationship, as I am and as one counsellor told me, it is very difficult, without a body to bury.
I hope this hasn't added to your grief, but I share all your feelings about indecision and hope things start to clarify for you soon.

Dancingfeet it's good to hear from you again.
Janey - as the advert says, "it's good to talk"; Gransnet is a safe place to share and to receive support from people who have some understanding of what you're going through.

Hi Dancingfeet I am sorry that you are going through this, You say that he did what he did to prove he still had it in him, which suggests that he has never done it before, If this is the case that he has never done it before, then maybe the first thing you could do is take a deep breath and a good think and when you feel calm enough to have a person to person talk to him, you could ask him whats it all about, what has happened. You have been married a long long time and you owe it to yourself to find out exactly what has happened. I can tell you that some people have a strong fear of getting old and maybe he wound himself up in a stouter and just this one time, lost control of his usual way of thinking. Its terrible for you that's for sure and there is no reason that would be good enough and I understand that but hard as it may be and for the sake of your long marriage it is worth trying to get to the bottom of it all. I forgave my husband once, not for cheating but for something else that he had never done before or since and the reason I forgave him is because I knew that If I had done that particular wrong, he would have forgiven me. Best wishes

hello dancingfeet,sorry to read that you are no further on than 18months ago. Although maybe you are not feeling the acute emotional (and physical) pain you were feeling then? I sincerely hope not for your sake. Have decided for the time being to try to be more positive about everything and see how that works!! It works for some people why not me???!!! I am trying to get out more as since we moved here 18months ago I have concentrated on working and getting a good relationship with my daughter which is "precarious" at times. I am having to do these things for MY sanity and feel I have to row my own boat at the moment and let the other b.....s get on with it. I'm sure they dont spend half as much time worrying about me as I do about them!! So good to read all the other threads and look at some of your profiles. You are an active lot. It gives me faith in the support structure us girls can create for ourselves and each other. Thanks for listening to my ramblings everyone. Xto you allX

Thank you for that cheelu. I have tried that talk many times as I know I owe it to myself to have a reason for his actions. I would even be prepared to take some responsibilty, but unfortunately he cannot give me a reason other than he was feeling old. I have even suggested he has counselling in the hope that it would help to unravel something and explain his actions, but he has not taken any action to help himself or me.
Because of the lack of reasons I cannot find any resolution and that is why I am having such a difficult time healing.
And janey the positive route does work sometimes, but you really do have to work hard at it. I have become an expert having read just about every self help book that has been printed. You are right in rowing your own boat. Expand your world and concentrate on doing things that make you happy.

From my own personal experience, you can and will recover and become a happier person in the end.
Sure isn't easy though. I have written down many of my thoughts in a little ebook that might be found interesting, called Dating Over 50. Might have some ideas that help.

I think Cheelu that they actually don't why they have done what they have. My H certainly doesn't know. It is just that it was available and possible, plus their "getting old" syndrome, that allows them to. The big issue of course is that they only think of themselves and not their partners. For me that is the biggest issue. If it were the other way round we ladies would have no difficulty thinking of the consequences of our actions. Men, at least some of them, don't seem to have that capability. Quite extraordinary. I can't forgive my H for that reason, along of course with others. We give our H's so much, years of love, support, care etc etc and then they throw it away in a moment. I have been married for 43 years and I am making myself angry with H all over again just writing about it here. I am by no means over it, but both of us are still trying to make our relationship work. It is very hard going and with no certainty that we will remain together in the long run. Dancing Feet you are so incredible in reading so many self help books and trying to put what they say into practice.
You are amazing Cheelu, forgiving your H. Mine would not have forgiven me I think, nor can a relationship work without trust.
But soon a new year begins, so here's to us all achieving the happiness we deserve!

Dancingfeet and everyone else, I've only just joined this thread and am so touched and comforted by the support and advice I've read here that I feel I have a family of friends instantly!
I too struggle in a long term marriage of 41 years which is hardly a marriage - separate lives and bedrooms except for family times. I think about leaving daily and have done for longer than I care to confess. It's like a chronic addiction. Finances are a big concern yet I'm nearly at the stage of, well, if I'm in a bed-sit I'll cope. Aware that time is running out...

However, I think I'm nearly there - family disputes have suddenly and unpredictably developed and I've had enough of being the people-pleaser putting everyone else's needs before mine, then being the fall-guy.

Two things I've found really helpful though. Firstly, a personal development organisation called More To Life (check it out on the internet: moretolife.org.uk) which offers a real life-changing weekend, especially on resentment and forgiveness. It's not cheap (these things never are) but it isn't profit-making and they willl help you by staggering payments etc.
Secondly, check out Brene Brown on the internet. She also has some TED talks on Youtube about Vulnerability and Shame. Very moving, inspiring and insightful - and entertaining too! Her books are brill.

I wish everyone the strength and support they need to create a life in which they can flourish.

nannaA and others, I can't help when I read these thinking "you only live once" and for how long must a person live their life through someone else, or be someone you're not? I'm thinking of a very good friend of mine and her life (this is the short version): married very young, husband was an alcoholic, had affairs, she left him and went back once or even twice (the children were still in the house). He sobered up, they were together in their later years, he died, so she was a widow. She remarried after about 7 years, I think swayed in part by the lure of financial security, and it was a disaster - her new husband had wined, dined her and seduced her but then turned out to be a controlling depressive, who resented her spending time with her children. She phoned me and said she was leaving him. Because they hadn't been married very long I said "What, are you sure?" etc. She replied simply: "I can't be unhappy again". And she left. Since then, it's like the young woman I knew many years ago is back. Impecunious, but what the heck. She's happy. Priceless.

I know from experience that you can survive this. And I now that the best way is to shut up. This might sound a trite. But believe me I know what it's like. Even some of my friends knew about her.
When we got back together it was NEVER spoken of again. And that was 14 years ago.
I will shock some of you now. Isaid to my OH: if you do it again, don't tell me or any of our friends.
His affair went on for 3 years and I never ever suspected a thing.

dancingfeet and you other ladies suffering the same fate. Please accept, from a male perspective, we are not all like that.
I have just found this thread in my search for answers to my own predicament and suffice it to say I am sorry that your loyalty and trust has been betrayed in such a heinous way, no one deserves to be treated in that way.
I worshipped the ground my partner walked on, I am an all or nothing type of man, and she cheated on me in as much as having an affair and leaving me to move in with him without me having a clue, so I do understand and feel for you that have sufferred the same fate. Why oh why do people do it? I guess we will never know or perhaps want to accept the reasons we might be given.
There has been some excellent supporting advice posted here and I will work my way through all of the posts but I just wanted to extend my sincere sympathy to those who have suffered as I think only those who have suffered similar can fully appreciate the devastation and pain resulting from such a betrayal of trust and loyalty. When will we men ever learn to appreciate what we have and cherish it for life.
I do so envy those couples who have survived adversity and lifes ups and downs but remain faithfull to each other in spite of temptations. They are the strongest of character in my book and deserving of at least my full respect.
If I could apologise for the male of the spieces I would but that would be so condescending that I am sure there would be more than a few males who would consider me patronizing but please do not think we are all the same. Nobody, least of all the mothers of our children, deserve having their love, loyalty and trust betrayed.