recovering from betrayal.is it possible?

`Gran7 I am so very pleased for you! Take time, don't rush, continue writing.
Lots of .

It is so good to hear that you are feeling so positive Gran7 I know it is an awful to say but have you taken pictures of the bruises for your records as you may need then in the future.You are so right in ignoring any contact as he will only try and wear you done with self pity if he is anything like my DDs X he was constantly on the phone telling her no one else would have her with children.Writing your book is a good idea so onwards and upwards to you,will you still speak to us when your book is published and are on your way to your first million

Gran7 It is great that you are so positive. You should be proud of yourself. Carry on being strong and eventually you will enjoy your freedom.

Bravo Gran7! You have done the hardest bit and succeeded in getting a life for yourself - it's onwards and upwards now. Don't be surprised if there are one or two things that you find you still need to let go of, and you are already wisely ignoring texts and emails. To get to a state of indifference is the goal. He can't harm you now. You're a strong woman and a great role model to other women, who will see you don't have to endure this abuse.

It's a powerful feeling to know you have done it. Congratulations

Hello to everyone. I have left the marital home now for my own safety and staying with my son for the moment. I am slowly realising that what I have put up with over the last 13 years is not my fault. I have been a loving, faithful and compliant wife. I now realise that he is the one with the problem and the sooner the medical services pick up on it the better. I honestly believe he will damage other women if he is left unchecked. At the moment I am concentrating on getting my life together to worry what he is doing. I still get the odd email and text from him trying to put me down, but I just stick to my guns and ignore him. That I know hurts him more as he likes to be the centre of attention. As for my bruises, they will heal quickly, it's just my mind that I have to keep focused on getting well. I can tell you one thing that I saw today, and that was a plaque. On it it said - TODAY I CRIED. IT WAS NOT BECAUSE I STILL LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU, IT'S BECAUSE I CAN NOW LIVE WITHOUT YOU. I have set this as my screensaver so that I see it every time and take great comfort when needed.
I was given some great advice once, "Write down your feelings, it's a grat way to relieve the stress". Gues what ladies, I have decided to write a book about my experience. I have done a couple of pages and it works, although I started crying at the start. I felt so much calmer as I wrote on, and only stopped when I was interrupted by my son coming in.
Thanks again you wonderful people for giving me the impetuous to carry on and start my life again. LOVE YOU ALL.

Nemonana
Take heart as you will get through this. It's like a bereavement, and you go through all the stages of it. The only difference is that person is still alive. It's natural that you go through all of it, but I can promise, with the help of Gransnet and the people who give you courage, it will be worth it. I was in a dark place with no light, but now I see a pin prick in the distance, and just know I will get to that light and I will come out stronger and wiser. If no-one believes in you how are you going to believe in yourself. I wish you all the luck in the world, and am here for you.
Take care

As you have discovered NemoNan there are lots of grans on this site who have experienced betrayal later in life and can offer you support whenever you need it. Stay strong.

I started reading this thread last night, and it could have been me writing it. The same happened to me - in February this year - so it is still very raw and just about the only thing I can think about.

Everything that dancingfeet says resonates with me, crying at the drop of a hat, no motivation, betrayal, humiliation, and a DH who is emotionally immature to say the least. I don't want to hijack this thread so I may start a new one, but the advice and support on here has been so helpful to read. I wouldn't wish the experience on anyone, but it does help to hear how others are dealing with it.

And Gran7 so sorry to hear of the violence from your H. Please take care of yourself and stay safe.

And to all those in a similar situation .

gran7 Please take care of yourself and keep strong and go forward to have a life where you are in control of what you want just make sure you are never alone with this man since he has now shown his true colours,once men have gone down this route they never change.(((hugs)))

Agree with green. Please think of your safety and put yourself first. Nothing justifies violence. Take care

I have the greatest respect for you Gran7 for being so strong and brave. Stay safe and love to you too

Oh Gran7 - stay resolved. Don't feel any guilt at all about anything in the past. Get away from him and keep away - you are, this very minute, learning that important lesson. Your family and friends - including us - will support you all the way. Take care of yourself.

Hello all you lovely People,

Such a lot has happened since my last update I am not sure its actually happened.
He showed his true colours last weekend 14/4/12 when during one of his triads of abuse and controlling, he lashed out and kicked me in the leg, for which I am still in pain and large bruise forming. This has been an eye-opener for me and any feelings of love I still felt for him, has now disappeared. This has made me stronger in my resolve to divorce him. It was embarrassing to say the least having to call the police to report the abuse, but one I felt I had to now do. I am sleeping on my sons sofa at night as terrified to go back to the house.
I still get the pangs of guilt that I did not love/support him enough, and slowly realizing that it was his own inadequatecies that led to this, and not mine.
I hope that one day very soon I will learn a very valuable lesson in keeping something back for myself, and not give 100 per cent of me.

I am getting used to te fact that I am a nomad at the moment and have fantastic friends and family support. I count you all in this.

Thank you very much for all your kind words and support. I am forever in your debt.

Much Love to you all.
Gran7 xx

Gran7 how I admire your attitude and bravery. You must have loads of self respect. I wish you lots of luck and the happiness you deserve in the future.
And Noni yes I am still here feeling the same extreme loss, but not quite the same despair and hopelessness. The marriage will not work as a marriage ever again, but that is because I don't want it to. I feel quite detached emotionally from him now and I am 'feathering my nest' in the best way for myself until such a time when things might change. This must mean that I have a certain amount of hope for myself for the future even though I don't know what it is yet and what form it might take. I just sort of feel that good things will come. Someone said that what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. I have seriously doubted that over the last year, but I am beginning to see the wisdom in it now.

Well, I've just discovered this forum. Last June I had the same experience as dancingfeet. I'm also in my mid 60s, my husband the same age. We've had couple counselling, he says he still loves me, but I am still feeling anger, betrayal and complete lack of trust. He wants to continue, says he will change and still loves me. But I am now depressed by the whole thing, unable to be happy or positive - the exact opposite to who I was before. I feel extreme loss, of all the years which had gone before and the time that I feel I have wasted. So it's really good to hear of all you lovely grans out there with the courage to go it alone. I feel I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I don't want to be on my own, but can't see a way back to a loving and trusting relationship right now. So anyone out there who has managed to come back from the hole I'm in now and made their marriage work again?

Well done Gran7, enjoy what life has to offer!

Gran7 Well done! Have a great life.

Go girl!

Gran7, what more can I add!

Good for you Gran7! Hope things get better and better, strong lady. xx

Hurray! Well done - I bet you feel better already. You have every right to feel proud of yourself.
Please let us know how you are going on from time to time - your story might inspire others who find themselves in a marriage to a man who does not respect and value them.

To all you wonderful people, I say a big thank you. I have not changed my mind one little bit in taking him back. Everything is going ahead as planned and hopefully the house will be sold. The only downside is I will walk away with half of nothing, as he is in so much debt (albeit in his name) that I knew nothing about. Never wanted a credit card so let him sort his mess out. He is so interested in what I am doing, but gently and firmly told him he had given up that right doing what he had done. And he's still doing it I might add. Its full steam ahead to my new life on my own, where I can go out and make new friends again and maybe go back to studying, which I always wanted to do. Have now told all my family and friends what is happening, and I am getting amazing support. Even my oldest grandkids are giving me extra hugs which is lovely.
Because he has now lost control of my life he's stalking me on Twitter, where I have some amazing followers. I am on to him but choose not to inform him which is giving me a laugh when he tries to follow me. He uses pictures that I know he has, but changes his name. How sad is that!
Once again I THANK YOU ALL for your kind words and advice. I have taken it and won't let you down by being browbeaten by him. ONWARDS AND UPWARDS EH!
Gran7 xxxx.

In writing plus signed, sealed and rubber-stamped!

A verbal agreement isn't worth the paper it is written on. He may intend to honour it when it is made, but he could change his mind at any time (or have it changed for him). Get it in writing.

As I have said on several similar threads, do not enter into any 'gentleman's agreement' with your husband when you divorce. You may trust him, but in reality that may be foolish, especially if another woman should come on the scene. I thought my ex was a man of honour but he decided he did not want to honour our totally fair pension - splitting arrangement when he met his new partner. I had to drag him through the Courts resulting in the same arrangement being enforced!

Gran7 ((((hugs)))). Betrayal and rejection are among the worst of human experiences, short of bereavement. It is important to be able to talk about it especially to those of us who have been there and come out the other end. When it happened to me it was fortunate that I was taking a counselling course and was able to speak to people who were empathic but not involved.
At the last minute, before we went to court, my ex asked if we could try again but I could see that this would only involve more heartbreak later on. 26 years later, I'm glad I was firm. You are strong. He sounds like a basically weak personality.