When my twin grandsons were born (they're nearly 12 now), I was always made welcome at my DiL's. It has always been my philosphy, that once my son married, the most important female in his life would be his wife, and as MiL I would take a back seat. I am a widow, and I have always regarded her with respect and see myself as a visitor in their home, not there as a 'right' and not someone to dish out advice. I usually rang to make sure it would be ok to visit, and was always invited to stay for a meal, have a glass of wine etc. We have disagreed about things on only a couple of occasions, which has usually blown over.
I always remembered everyones birthday and took pleasure in buying pressies etc., and never forgot the granchildren at Xmas, birthdays etc., and also opened a savings account for them, and still give them £20 cheques specially for savings at xmas, birthday, easter, etc. All seemed ok for a number of years, but nearly four years ago, at about the time her 18 year old daughter by a previous relationship, had a baby whilst still at college, she decided she was going to have 'an emotional clearout'. I had not passed any criticism at anytime about my step granddaughter and her baby, just agreed that 'these things happen' and she was very lucky to have everyones support. However, my DiL decided to eliminate everyone who gave her 'grief' as she put it, and that included me. She cited me as being judgemental, having nothing in common with her, and I wasn't welcome at their home any more. You name it - I was guilty of it. My son was the person who broke the news quite coldly to me when he brought my step granddaughter and new baby to see me. I was so shocked and upset that I burst into tears. This all resulted in being treated over the following months for reactive depression - I couldn't sleep or concentrate for months. I phoned my son to try and make sense of it all but even more hurtful, is my son's complete lack of understanding - not a single kind word or explanation over the intervening months and years. I evenutally decided after nine months that if I didn't just go to see my grandchildren, I would never see them at all. My first visits were greeted in a very hostile way, when I visited with birthday pressies for my 2 grandsons, as I'd been told I wasn't welcome at their house any more. I have subsequently visited but only ever on birthdays, easter & Christmas, and only ever stayed for 15 - 20 mins at the very most. My grandsons are always delighted to see me, and we always have a cuddle while I ask about school, etc. My DiL completely ignores me and goes out of the room when I turn up. On my last visit at Easter, my son wouldn't even meet my eyes, say hello or goodbye. It's nearly 4 years ago now, and originally I thought everything would blow over eventually.
I am now at my wits end to know how I can ever progress the situation to get back on a more friendly footing. My son is completely uncommunitive. He is unrecognisable as the boy I brought up, and the responsible husband/father he developed into of whom I was so proud. I've always supported him and complimented him on his home and family. He seems to have distanced himself from myself and from his sister,( who has 2 boys), snubbed his uncle & aunt when they were down visiting me for my 60th birthday and wants nothing to do with any of us.
What can I do or say, as I am now an outsider and not considered 'family' anymore.
Can anyone give me any ideas as to what to do?
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