unfaithful son in law

Mdougall
how kind of you to relive the anguish of your past in order to try and help me again I am overwhelmed by the kindness of strangers.I have had to come upstairs out of the way of DH. We are putting up the christmas tree ready for GD to help us decorate when she comes back from nursery at 11 30, our oldest set of lights bought before the girls were born are the ones that have stopped working. DH is deparately trying to fix them you can see on his face I must be able to fix something these are the lights from our childrens childhood and daddy is trying to make things right it is heartbreaking to watch him

I agree with Carol, grandmaagain.

However difficult it may seem at the moment, you must try to believe that your son-in-law was genuine in his friendship and attachment to you and your family. None of us really ever know what goes on in the minds of other people, not even your own family. Your daughter and he tried to resolve this matter without your knowledge, but in the end he must have felt a very strong "pull" to deceive and damage his family even though he knew it would devastate everyone involved. Think about the Football Manager, Gary Speed who commited suicide last week - everyone, but everyone assumed that his life was perfect and then he just went and hung himself and to date, no-one, not even his own parents and wife, have any idea what went wrong.

I can speak with some authority on this subject as I was supposed to have had the perfect 22 year marriage in the eyes of my family and all my friends. I hid my personal dilemma for seven years before I could tell the truth and not a day goes by when I wish I had had the courage to "speak up" as soon as I realised my marriage was over. But I did not , and my whole family was devastated when I left the marriage and my three children because they did not know what was going on in my head and heart - because i did not want to hurt them but then I did anyway. This all happened 22 years ago and all is well now but i always believe that there are two sides to every story and it is worth listening to both.

So however much you wish to blame your son-in-law at present - nothing is ever black and white and when you have reflected on his good side - ask him to explain what has happened and why. You may discover that he is genuinely devastated about what has happened and you may all be able to go forward without too much anger in order to rebuild your lives for the sake of your new grandson.

Best wishes and hopes for a positive future for you all.

GA
you are definately right in the fact that it is "old news" to her, the past few times we have seen her we have had a sense that she is relieved to be out of this sham marriage. I suppose one of the things I feel guilty about was that I thought we were all so very happy all so close not sensing the unhappiness that lurked under the surface, big sis feels the same way she is pale and as deeply shocked as me, she always thought she knew little sis better than anyone. I don't for one minute think he thought about us when he betrayed her, but no I will not forgive him the pain he has caused is spread too wide.

grandmaagain, what a sterling job you've done of bringing up your daughter. You've taught her how to be strong and how to deal with the horrible things that life throws at us. What you need to do now is stand back and allow her to manage the process of moving on. She's got this far along the road and her own determination has given her the strength to do it. If you can manage to be 'light-hearted' (not at all easy, I know) when you all meet up for your DH's birthday get-together, it will let her relax a bit and not be worried that you'll break down. She'll know that you're making that effort, but I'm sure will appreciate it. Time will tell. Give yourself a couple of weeks and things will seem easier. xx

Someone I know has been through a painfull estrangement recently, and the anger from her parents towards her partner has made her feel even worse, because she still has a child who loves his father. When you were told what had happened you actually suffered from shock; the next stage is anger and then thoughts of 'what could I have done to prevent this happening?' They're all natural emotions but you have to go through them to reach the healing process which will happen. As I said before, when men bahave like this they really don't give a thought for anyone else and really don't comprehend the enormity of what they've done.

Granmaagain I think you are very brave to share your problem here but the quality of advice coming through is priceless. All I can add is (and it comes across very clearly) that your daughter is 'a chip off the old block' - two very strong sensible, thoughtful women.

CAROL - Agree with what you have said, having been in a similar position

grandmaagain I wonder where this self-questioning is coming from? Your reaction is distressing to read and from my own and others' similar experience, I have found that we go through a series of strong emotions, mainly on behalf of our beloved children, when their relationships fail for whatever reason, but your reaction is back-firing on you at the moment. Your SIL would never have thought 'what can I do to really hurt my MIL?' You wouldn't have been given a thought when he was philandering, so what's stopping you acknowledging that he's fallen short as a husband and now he has to step up to the plate and be a decent father? No-one has questioned whether you have been a good mother - it just doesn't come into the discussion.

As others are gently reminding you - we urge you to look after yourself and give yourself permission to move forward. Your progress in coming to terms with this event will not detract from your abilities as a mother. You don't have to demonstrate that you no longer care about him in order to support your daughter. The two aren't mutually exclusive. Those feelings do not go away and you have happy memories that don't need to be wiped. I often feel I could strangle my ex DIL for how she has treated my son, but I still do care for her as the mother of my grandson, no matter how irritating, and occasionally callous, she can be. It's something we learn to live with. Do look after yourself today x

Do you know granmaagain, I think grannyactivist has truly hit the nail on the head.

Your D's responses make perfect sense and are not about a deficiency in your mothering skills - be proud that she dealt with the situation on her own to start with (she would have been wrong to broadcast something that would seriously disturb family relationships if she was hoping to get it sorted and get back on track) and be aware that the upbringing she received gave her the strength to do that, and the strength now to feel her own sense of worth despite her sadness and the rejection she has suffered.

Pat yourself on the back and continue being the excellent loving mother that you have always been. This is what she needs. Be sad, by all means, but do not turn inwards and agonise about your mothering, rather ackowledge that very understandable sadness, and gird up your loins and be strong for her.

Treat your SIL with courtesy - he is a father in this situation and that role is still important - and try and think how you would have treated a son of your own who did such a thing. You would not stop loving him, but you would be extremely disappointed in him. People don't always live up to expectations and he has failed everyone, but he has not suddenly become worthless - he has made a huge mistake, but he is still worthy of your care and concern - you did not care for him wrongly - he simply failed and made a huge mistake through human weakness, which we all share.

I really do think that things will shake down into a new pattern of life, and that your role as a strong rock to lean on when needed, and to stand back when not, will be crucial. Take up that challenge and move on.

Nothing else. That is what is bugging you, but it's something you need to accept because brooding about it will prevent you from going forward. Please think about your won wellbeing and that will impact on the rest of your family.

I have never shared any of my grief over this situation with her. I HAVE said that although we are shocked we are behind her all the way and what ever decision she makes we will support her. we have told her that she and GS are the important ones and we are here for them what else CAN I do.

grandmaagain I think your daughter simply realised that there are some things a mother just can't fix! If you can accept that, it will bring a different perspective to your situation. When her DH was first unfaithful and she had decided to forgive him it would have been awkward for others to know what had transpired; hence, she shouldered the burden alone. When he cheated again she probably waited until she was sure and then gave him his marching orders. None of her responses were about you, simply about managing a difficult situation to have the best possible outcome. One unfortunate outcome for you is that your daughter has had plenty of time to to begin to come to terms with the situation, while you have not. The news of your SIL's infidelity is old news to your DD and she's probably past the first stage of grieving for the relationship, although her life will still be feeling pretty topsy turvy. She has taken positive action and now simply needs support for the decisions she's made. And you're in pole position to give it to her.

Do you know what she needs from you tomorrow grandmaagain? She may have woken this morning also feeling pretty dreadful and it is she who has lost her husband. She may need to turn to you for some additional support. I do understand how confused and upset you are, but you have a full life behind you from which to draw experience in dealing with life's hurdles. Best wishes for the day to come - you could come together as a family and make it a really positive day

I am trying to do my best but then I always have tried to do my best I don't know what my best is anymore. I have always believed I was supportive, always told her I was proud of her, always told her I loved her (I worked in a hospice for 10 years that teaches you to never leave things unsaid) I always complimented her on everything she has done and how she coped with being so ill while she was pregnant I don't know what else I could have done.

grandmaagain You are NOT a bad mother - you are a WONDERFUL mother and you must keep reminding yourself of that, but for your daughter's sake you must also try and remove yourself one step backwards. Be there for her but also try not to take on all the blame and anguish.

grandmaagain you sound really low this morning. sending a virtual hug.
You are certainly not a bad mother. Your daughter was probably sparing you the worry, knowing how caring you are.
i know it's a cliche, but time will soothe the hurt.
Tomorrow will be a good day, you will be spending it with your loving and much loved family and you will all be supporting each other.

Probably just the opposite grandmaagain. She will know you well and have anticipated how deeply hurt you would be, so has tried to protect you. She needs to see that you can recover from such a terrible blow to your family, and might think in future that confiding in you could have been helpful.

not feeling to good this morning,it is DH's birthday tommorrow and the family are coming for tea..that is family less one.. for the first time in 11 years there will be one less at my table one I had grown to love and trust I will smile and make it a good day. But when do you wake up in the morning without the feeling that the bottom has just dropped out of your life? Every morning I think of her waking up alone and my heart just breaks for her, why did she suffer for so long without telling us why did'nt she let me help am I such a bad mother?

Good for you Grandmaagain, you will get there, and so will your dd as she has a strong caring mum to help her. (((Hugs))

grandmaagain its good to hear you sounding so positive, get yourself sorted for Christmas and make it perfect for you all.

grandmaagain I've been very restrained today and only just logged on. Good to hear that you are all looking forward with courage and determination. One day at a time!

Good morning grandmaagain. What a tough time you've all been having. It's heartening to read what you have posted today, and it lifts my heart that you are starting to look forward - why should he do any more harm than he has already done to you all? He will come to regret what he has done, especially when he doesn't get to be involved in all the lovely family activities and get-togethers you have included him in before. You are a strong woman and you've dusted yourself off ready to start afresh

Of course you still feel raw, but you are so obviously moving on. The tone of your post is much more positive and your DD will be proud of her mum as well.

grandmaagain Lots of loving thoughts to you and your family. Well done!

I can't begin to know how to thank all of you for this support you have each and every one of you been kind, understanding and wise. Mine and DH's hearts are still raw but today we are going to get christmas back on track and make it the best ever !!. I don't know when the pain will go away we loved and trusted him so very much the shock is still raw. We were so sure he loved our DD, that is what we find so bewildering, she is strong and I am so very proud of her, our pain is not a fraction of what she must be feeling, a fact I DO keep reminding myself of. We must move on but it is a bit like wadind through mud but we WILL do it as you say it is his loss.