unfaithful son in law

grandmaagain; I'm several months on from my heart breaking because of my son's unhappiness, but his life is now back on track and we are all happy again. I spent weeks thinking about it every waking hour [the worst time being first thing in the morning as I woke up]. Cried myself dry for a long time. Was probably re living my own relationship break up as well, which didn't help. Can still feel the pain of that time, but I am so proud of how he has dealt with it [as you must feel about your daughter]. The pain you are feeling now WILL go, and, in time the one suffering the pain will be your SIL because of what he has lost.

Well done, grandmaagain. You're moving on already.

I do very much
been to see her again today, she has rearranged the furniture, bought new soft furnishings and pictures, their home is her home now. the pain is still raw and telling our friends heartbreaking, however, I have made a decision not to use his name any more, that name belonged to a person I loved and trusted ,he does not exist and never really did, from now on he wil be him, the ex or GS's dad

Well put gow1 - the very best advice comes from experience and I'm sure grandmaagain will really appreciate it x

What a lovely post gow1 I'm sure that has given grandmaagain lots of reassurance. to both of you.

GMA I notice you posted on my thread, I hope some of the things on there will give you hope. I do understand the betrayal feeling, although my Dil has at least no "cheated" on my son, I too had no idea this was coming imagining them to be totally happy so I the shock of this coming out of the blue is a very difficult thing for you to deal with and will continue to be so for a while. if it's any consolation I no longer think about it the moment I wake up, but I'm several weeks down the line,the shock has lessened but the questions are still there. I also understand that gransnet is a place to say exactly how you feel but in RL you are doing your greiving and crying in private. Again this is the same for me, I would be of no help to my son if I was upset in front of him. I also love my Dil as you do your Sil, and i would like to killllll both of them for hurting our children and for what seems like a total deception of everybody. My son didnt tell me they were having problems as your daughter didn't, don't feel hurt by this, they are grown ups and would want to try to sort their problems in their own way, it is a good thing and shows we have brought them up well in not running to mummy and daddy every time there is a problem. However when the s**t hits the fan we are of course the first people they turn to, quite rightly so. As to the future, all your hopes and dreams are shattered at the moment and it is scary thinking of the future, how will they ever survive, what about christmas, what about the Gson,how to deal with the feelings something like this awakens in us etc etc even how to get to sleep. so many questions. My one hope is that as my son has loved once he has the capacity to love again and even eventually to forgive. Your daughter has already shown her strenght and she too will eventually recover. I am sending you lots of love and support at this horrible time x

..oh, and, a friend of mine went through a marriage break up before I did. Her daughter [who was probably in her teens at the time] said, 'mum, we're not a broken family..we're a healed family'.

When my husband had an affair for the second time I told my daughter that we were trying to save our marriage [thinking she would feel happy about it]. She just said 'mum, he's done it twice, he'll do it again..get rid'. Once you make the decision you feel empowered. grandmaagain; if it is getting you down, don't hesitate to see your doctor. They do take things like this very seriously. I know I'm repeating myself, but, you can't look after others if you don't look after yourself [Eleanor Rigby syndrome!] And, try not to torture youself thinking about the past; the deceit etc [easier said than done]; think to the future.

I am full of admiration for your DD who is clearly a strong and self-sufficient woman. I doubt if she would ever be able to trust this man again and suspect she knows this. There is nothing for you to feel guilty about. How were you supposed to know he was playing away? They can be very crafty at covering their tracks. Clearly your daughter didn't want you to know and your very personal reaction shows that she understood you well. I know that if my mother had been alive when my marriage broke up, I would have had her distress to cope with as well as my own, so I think I can see where she is coming from. Now... try to get a good night's sleep. Accept that there is nothing much you can do at the moment except be there.

I have not cried in front of her nor would I! as I said I can hold it togther when I am with her and GS. we thought our family was happy we were proud of them and how close they all were to think that that was all based on lies is what is so unbearable.

grandmaagain you have a little grandson who will very likely be able to maintain a relationship with his daddy if that is encouraged within your family. Your grandson needs not to be exposed to the level of grief and distress that you are describing, to enable him not to be alienated from his father. Having just spent a horrible few months witnessing a vengeful mother vent her rage and anger against my son, I have seen how badly wrong things can go when adults are so overtaken with strong, negative emotions that have distorted the relationship between parent and child. Please don't let this happen in your family - the long term consequences are equally damaging but would be inflicted on a child who has no need to make a judgement about his father whilst he is an infant. This young man has been unfaithful to his wife, but I have not read anything about him stopping loving his child. Please do take a step back and check out what is making you feel unable to bear this pain, as it might be something that you have to address yourself. Why should you feel guilty about something you knew nothing about? Your daughter knew, and she has made a series of judgements, deciding eventually to end the relationship. She has held back from involving you partly to spare your feelings but also, perhaps, because she anticipated your likely reaction and needed to be able to hold things together without having to manage your grief as well. I do hope you will take better care of yourself - your daughter will recover and be the stronger for it if you allow her that space. Take care

I can hold it together when I am with youngest DD, she is strong, but so hurt and my grief is nothing to hers, so my practical side holds sway and of course there is darling grandson, it is just at home that the pain and reality of the situation is unbearable and so unspeakably sad he was such a huge part of our lives we trusted him completly thought they were so very happy I feel guilty that I never suspected anything and yes I know that is irrational but the situation is so surreal I am lost

grandmaagain I am worried about you being so distraught.
I agree with pennysue - time, maybe, to try to stop telling yourself things like "we'll never see him again" and start regrouping a bit so that you can support your daughter. I know it is terribly upsetting but you don't know how things will turn out.
In reality they may get back together again. My friend had a similar situation, but in her case her son was the one messing around with other women. After some counselling they decided to give it another go and, a year later, are back together.

At the moment I never want to see him again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but I love him! I would not be responsible for my actions he has hurt so very many people with his selfish behaviour.have seen my eldest DD again today and she is pale and shaking with grief her husband has decided not to see his BIL and show complete solidarity with my DD so that has defused what could have been an awkward situation. now the hard part is telling our friends and extended family

grandmaagain, try to keep in your mind that although this young man is no longer in your life as a relative as such, he is still the father of your little grandchild. In his role as parent, you will probably see him as time goes by, and by then you'll feel differently about things. He's hurt your girl so much. And you didn't know. No wonder you feel so terrible - you've not been able to come to terms with any of it in a gradual way. Give yourself time. Your daughter is dealing with it all in an orderly manner. She was perhaps waiting for this moment, expecting it to happen and now that it has, she's attending to it. She'll be hurting no end, but by getting cracking and moving stuff out of and around the house she's clearing the stuff of her own emotions. Be kind to yourself. This will pass.

Believe me - I have been in the same position - in time you will be able to deal with the split. The pain does get less and, when a child is involved, you are bound to see SIL in the future.

I am in the position of having ex.DILs - met up with one yesterday for lunch and speak to her often. I am also still friends with another DIL whose son by second marriage calls us Nana & Grandad! (he has no live grandparents)

Meanwhile take care of yourself and stop "beating" yourself up. How were you meant to know what was going on in your ADULT child's life?

Hi grandmaagain. Would you not be likely to bump into your SIL in the future as your grandchhild grows up and you all come together for occasions like christenings, infant school events or suchlike? I have two children with ex-spouses and still do see them on occasion, maybe two or three times a year. Their partings were acrimonious, but things settled down with time, and I have been able to remember what I liked about them, even though they made my children very unhappy at the time. All parties have moved on and found new partners they are happy with, so it's not for me to harbour resentment when they have made an effort to communicate because they have children. Please do open your mind to the notion that events will unfold and people around you will come to terms with what has happened, and move on. Take care x

I think she is right to make a clean break she cannot go on forgiving him.The shock is what is killing us because we truly had NO idea there was,or ever had been anything wrong and we loved him as a son warmly and dearly,I can't believe I will never see him again the grief is unbearable.

grandmaagain so heart rending to hear what you are all going through. It sounds to me that your daughter has made up her mind not to give him another chance and in the long run this is probably better than getting into a situation where she is forgiving him and taking him back, only for him to do it again. She is taking back control of her life which is a good sign. Do take care of yourself in which ever way seems most helpful to you. In dreadful situations I have veered from long walks to vigorously cleaning the stairs! The best of all is to talk to those you know will be sympathetic and supportive and we are all here for you. Your emotions will be all over the place I guess, so just give vent to them where and when it seems right. This will pass and the future will be bright. Really.

grandmaagain, stay strong, my dear. This has all been a terrible shock to you, but you will all come through the other side of it. You're trying to be strong for everybody, and perhaps you need a wee bit of support to be able to carry on and to look after yourself properly. As Annobel says, there's no shame in asking for help from your GP. Rest assured that the warm arms of GN are here for you. xx

GMA I do hope words on a page help just a little bit. you are going through a terrible time, we know your daughter and husband are too but this is a place for you and I hope you continue to use it to help you through this awful situation. make sure you have time to concentrate on your wellbeing not just so you can help your family through this but also because one day you, your daughter and your family will recover ( I know this becuase I have had some very good advice from people on here who have similar stories) and you need to be able to pick up the pieces of your life. that cliche about time healing is true but it's also true that the shock of betrayal is huge. sending you strength to get through the next day, and the neaxt and so on for as long as it takes. x

grandmaagain, you sound exhausted and I'm not surprised. Have you had a decent night's sleep in the last week? If you are seriously tired, it becomes more and more difficult to re-establish a sleeping pattern. You might find it beneficial to talk to your GP and get some help - there is no shame in that. You and your entire family are casualties of the situation - suffering from shock in a big way -and you owe it to yourselves to treat yourselves as such.

grandmaagain More (((hugs))) from me. Be strong. You will get over this but for now, try to be kind to yourself. grannyactivist has put into words the feelings that other GN have as you face this awful episode in your family life. X

I couldn't have put it any better grannyactivist. I feel the same. It is terrible to read the harrowing description of how you are feeling grandmaagain and the place you are in at the moment is one that is tearing at you constantly. Please do take a step back and give yourself a breather, so you can carry on supporting your daughter, otherwise you're going to find they are looking after you. Let things unfold gradually and if your SIL decides he would like to talk to his pal, maybe something that helps you understand it more will come of that meeting.

grandmaagain you are hurting and sad, but I think you will discover that you are not broken; although right now you're bowed under the weight of all the sadness and pain you're going through, you're an amazingly strong character who is going to find depths within yourself that you didn't know were there. I know that, because that's what we do as parents, there doesn't seem to be a viable alternative; we just keep going and doing the best we can and one day I'm convinced that you will realise that you and your lovely family have come through this tragedy. Until that day you need lots of support and comfort from wherever you can find it. There's plenty on here, so keep coming back and feel free to say whatever's foremost in your mind, it's a safe place for you. ((((hugs))))