unfaithful son in law

My dearly loved son-in-law recently disclosed to my daughter that he had romantic feelings for a colleague with whom he works closely and no longer had feelings for her. She is devastated of course, as I am. I don’t know how to handle this. I saw him once since the disclosure and he does not look traumatized at all while she is destroyed.

Brilliant Carol [flowers]

carol
wonderful news to all gransnetters and best wishes for a happy christmas

Carol - how lovely!! Bless them!

Sooo delighted for you Carol. Polly and Alice sound like feisty little girls. Hard work for all concerned but such a thrill for you. Looking forward to hearing all about them.

It's going to get busy after this next couple of days, but I will keep popping in to see how everyone is doing, and I'll be thinking of you all, especially those dear Gransnetters who have had such a rotten time lately.

(My little twin grandaughters, Polly and Alice, are very near to being able to go home from the SCBU and then it will be really busy, as they will still be just under 5 lbs and feeding frequently - it'll be all hands on deck, and I can't wait!)

Take care of yourselves grandmaagain and gow1. You deserve a peaceful Christmas

Hi GMA how are you doing? I doubt I'll be able to get on Gransnet for a couple of weeks, last day of term and I don't often get access away from work. I just wanted to say I will be thinking of you and hoping that you, like me, will be able to enjoy the good things about Christmas, making new memories for your GD, your daughter and the rest of your family. I know my great nephew (3) will brighten our day as it's impossible not to enjoy his company. I am determined not to do the "whys and what ifs" and champagne ( £12 in tecos this morning!!) will help. There is a long way to go before things feel normal again but you are on that road, so no looking back if you can help it. My wish for you is a peaceful Christmas and that 2012 will give you some happiness again. x

grandmaagain ...and we're still here for you ((hugs))

over the last weeks your support has been invaluable I thank each and every one of you

Sometimes it's easy to pick up on throw away remarks which make a situation more understandable. When my friend said that, perhaps I was still churning over in my head what had happened to my son and that, perhaps he was moving on and I wasn't, I felt slightly hurt [even though I did feel, at the time, that was the case, and had become aware of it myself]. The fact that you were so fond of your SIL means that, not only did he betray your daughter, but he betrayed you as well, which makes it hurt even more. Much as men do want children, they can feel alienated when their wives are pregnant and, like little boys they want to be the centre of their wive's universe and can seek solace in other relationships. They can also suffer from 'post natal depression'. When my marriage was crumbling, I said to my husband 'do you want me to leave?' and he looked very sad and replied 'you left me a long time ago'. I wish I'd had the support of gransnet in those days, as I had no family to turn to, and sometimes we need to look 'outside the box'. All that I can say is that, when you're hurting there is this overwhelming sense of support on here. Feed off that, grandmaagain; it will help you through this.

Annobel

GMA - I must apologise if anything I have written has hurt you in any way. You have been hurt enough. all I wanted was to help you understand your 'prickly' DD a little more, from the point of view of a 'prickly' granny who's had her thorns gradually removed over the past 50 years!

Good morning gma. I hope things are settling down for you and, like gow1 I agree that people are wanting to be helpful. I find that there's a wealth of wisdom here on Gransnet and some things that others have posted have enabled me to take another look at my own views and behaviour. We're never too old to learn, are we? I wish I had lived amongst a group of friends and neighbours like our pals here on Gransnet when I was going through the pains of divorce, seeing my children struggling with first adult relationships, and worrying about health and elderly parents. What I have appreciated most is reading how other Gransnetters have offered 'tough love' advice,coming from their own experiences and knowing how things have turned out for them as a result of good or bad decisions. You will find your way through this current experience and come out the stronger for it. It's good to know that your SIL is in frequent contact with your daughter and their baby, and when hurt feelings heal in time, who knows ........you may find yourselves at some get-together in future where everybody can be comfortable in each others' company, knowing everyone has moved on and found happiness again.

Don't worry GMA I think people just want to help and perhaps are getting the wrong end of the stick but it's very easy for all of us to think beyond what you are saying and read into it more than it is. But please rest assured that no one wants to hurt you. I think it is/was a very good thing that you loved your Sil that must have been a really good thing for your daughter when they were together, imagine the opposite and how that would have affected your relationship. I love my Dil although I am hurt that she doesn't love my son, not quite the same as you are going through but I know my son was very happy that we got on so well. I too recognise that my son's decisions are the ones I will embrace and although sometimes that's hard, and sometimes they change without warning, it is what we instinctively do isn't it? It's no wonder your daughter is a bit "prickly" at the moment but I bet she wouldn't swop you for anything. We love our children prickles and all! take care xx

I did'nt love SIL more than I loved my daughter he was just easier to approach and I felt he helped me get closer to her. He is going every day to see GS ,so I am hoping the lines of communication are open between them. We have told her repeatedly that she is the focus of our thoughts that her decisions are the ones we will respect and we will always be there for her I'm not sure what else you want me to do.

GA: you have obviously been hurt but this should be about your DD. The more you shoulder needless blame, the more you are placing more focus on yourself. Consider how your DD needs your love right now. Have you thought that showing more love to SIL than your actual DD has more than likely been sensed by her? Hence the anxiety she feels possibly in confiding everything in you?
Her needs come first right now, nobody elses. It may well be that given time and space but with the right support from SIL (who must, it is hoped) be realising his past mistakes for both herself and DG then the two of them may well get back in time. DD therefore needs to know you support her no matter what and by being as you are right now wont help suopport her in any way. The more you 'grieve' the more distant she is likely to be with you
It is only human to feel the way you do but please place DD as the main focus of attention here
SIL must still be seeing and being there for DD and himself, so that should be an important factor
Has SIL ignored her completely or is he trying his best to fix something which at present seems unfixable? If he is trying to change his ways and recognise his mistakes then I am sure DD must see that in some way but in trying to get on with her life and quite rightly remove SIL's stuff from the house she is showing she can cope at the moment.
You need to transfer this feeling of 'love' you had with SIL, over to DD right now. How will you feel if she is left to get on right now on her own having to care for DG as well?
Trust me and all others on this site who are offering encouragement, DD needs YOU not vice versa right now so please try to step into her shoes and be there

Annobel and grannyt your thoughts reflect my own. I want to be really careful and not upset you grandmaagain because you have described a really upsetting period of your life. When I worked as a relationship counsellor, being non-directive and placing thoughts and responses with the person I was providing a service to, gentle challenges were part and parcel of that process. There are quite a few Gransnetters on this thread who have put those gentle challenges forward, but I wonder whether you are ready to hear what is being said yet grandmaagain? I'll leave it there for now, and send you my warmest good wishes

PS I am worried by your remark that her husband was 'easier to love' and wonder what you mean. What do you mean by 'love'? If you mean giving affection and getting it in return, that is a very 'easy' definition. I am very sorry for your DD if you find her difficult to love if by that you mean being overtly affectionate and cuddly. I hope I have misunderstood your concept of love.

grandmaagain I am reminded of my relationship with my mother. Her responses were emotional and she was inclined to take on everyone's burdens which I resented and usually kept emotional issues well away from her. I was really free only when I moved 4000 miles away. When I suspected that my then husband was beginning to look elsewhere, she was the last person I'd have confided in. This doesn't mean that I didn't love her, even when she irritated me to bits. I'm sure your DD feels the same. Please, just accept that she is different and don't ask for more of an emotional response than she wants to give.

GOW!thank you every word you have said is true that is exactly what I feel .I have never cried in front of her she would hate me for it she would like to be an island she does not understand that we hurt FOR her and because of what has happend. we would love our family back whole again but accept it will never be so I also wish she would let me love her it is like trying to cuddle a cactus and has been since she hit adolescence.her husband was a lot easier to love and we felt closer to her through him I could talk to him I miss him so much.

Hi GMA I'm glad you got through the birthday and it was ok, ok is better than not! Also the first time of doing anything after such a shock is going to be difficult but it sounds like you all handled it well. I've been thinking hard about what to say to you and am a little worried that people may think the strong emotions you show on here are actually how you are being in real life? I doubt that is the case though, it sounds as if this is a safe place for you to vent those powerful emotions but in RL you are dealing with the situation as a mother, and a good mother at that, in the right way by supporting your daughter. as someone has already said she will be further along the line of accepting the situation than you, your husband and other daughter and it's like playing catch up. for what it's worth I think your thoughts and feelings are entirely normal, that horrible lump in the pit of your stomach, the feeling you can never trust again and the unanswered questions. The horrible sadness of it all. If you weren't feeling like this it would be very odd, it shows that you are a caring and thoughtful parent so please don't think that you could have done anything to prevent what has happened. just a small tip that I have learned to help me cope, when I cant sleep I am using meditation to help. Nothing fancy, just using my imagination to send me somewhere else, in my case a lovely small island with lots of books and some bracing weather with me cocooned in a place of warmth and safety and NO ONE there. If I try hard enough it really does work and I am better for helping my son when I fell refreshed. love to you and yours gow xx

GA I'm glad your evening went well but I am starting to pick up on some things from you posts that I don't think you're aware of.

You seem to be a highly emotional person which is not necessarily a bad thing but can be very difficult for those around you if they are not the same.

From what I have read your daughter seems to be very level-headed and is dealing with everything with what appears to be quiet dignity.

I can understand your hurt, it is only natural of course but do you think your extremes of emotion may make your daughter uncomfortable, hence she is "prickly"? If you are as emotionally charged all the time, as comes across in your posts, she will certainly find this very difficult. I imagine your attempts to act normal come across to her as forced and uncomfortable.

Please understand none if this is a criticism, we are all guilty of bringing out our inner tiger when it comes to our children, but at some point we have to accept their differences however difficult we may find it.

At some point you will have to be able to be civil to your sil as he is your ds's father and that will never change.

You also need to be prepared for her to take him back, I understand this is probably not going to happen but you need to respect her decision either way.

Whether we agree with them or not we have to support them, it is our biggest and most unenviable job.

Much love to you all xx

yes we have and on the whole it went well, DD very prickly but then that is normal for her and is something I have always found difficult . We had remarked how much calmer she was after GS's birth and how much easier she was to talk to, well that has changed and I don't know wether to be relieved or worried, either is not going to be useful! hey ho! DH very down he missed SIL very much but knows he mus'nt show it. older DD and her DH have been here as well so that lightened things a bit and of course it was our day child minding their DD today which is always a joy. at least now when they come for christmas it will not be for the first time without SIL.

grandmaagain, I do know what you mean when you talk about the Christmas lights. The empty rawness of what has happened seems to make everything hinge on making things better. Parents feel that they have to make things better for their children, don't they? What would be more realistic though - would be for your DH to go out and buy some new lights, throwing the other ones away. Once they've gone into the bin he'll forget about them.
It's all part of the 'moving on' process, just like your daughter moving things around the house after having got rid of your SiL's things that he hadn't taken with him.
Keep steady. Someone somewhere said, "This too, will pass." Today you'll be celebrating your DH's birthday? Warmest, warmest wishes to you all. xx

Granmaagain: May all the Blessings in the world visit you and your family this Christmas.

As Maya Angelou often says in her books: "When you know better, you "do" better".
This is so true, and as grandparents, it is up to all of us to "do better" and lead the way.