Adoption - has it affected you

As an adoptive mum, I have to agree with what you say Gayle but one thing terrifies me. If DC sets some of his infamous 'targets' for adoption we could see social workers being forced to meet those targets and the consequences could be unthinkable. If the targets focus on finding parents for children in care then possibly they'd be successful, but imagine adding pressure to remove children from homes when what they really need is support in those homes. Don't think there are simple easy solutions.

I have 3 friends who successfully adopted children(one each) and I know a lovely lady who adopted all 4 of her children, these have all been very successful, full of love with no recriminations and all 4 of the Mums are now grand-parents and great- grandparents, I just wish it was easier for prospective adoptive parents nowadays, the legal and intrusive proceedings deter many loving,intelligent,wonderful childless coupleswho go abroad or look to surrogacy.I find this so sad when there are so many children in care or being fostered.These 'parents' want kids and the kids need good,safe,secure homes.Come on David Cameron, let's see your ideas of speeding up the process ACTUALLY HAPPEN.

There is a brilliant book which explores many of these issues called
The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child by Nancy Newton Verrier.
Gateway ISBN 0-9636480-0-4

Wow this opened a can of worms - * Jacey* I totally respected my mothers right to not want to see me, what little information I got from the social services about my mom I sat on for 12 mnths - I had to be in a place in my life where I could accept she may not want to see me.
When I eventually took action I went via Norcap initially - then i wrote to a local paper in the area, of her last known address - I did not say I was searching for my mother, just a searching for a relative - I got 3 letters back two from cousins - and one from my sister - I called her up - her first words to me where" exactly what realative are you to me * my reply that depends on how much you know - she said your'e my sister aren't you - yes I replied - I talked to my mom on the phone for the first time - that evening and a few days later Valentines day 1996 I met her for the first time - It was great- but I would have had to respect her wishes if she didnot want to see me.
For those adopted children - that feel they need to know ( and even some who have had good adoptions feel that sometimes) - they should have the right if they wish to find their birth family. equally vice versa - but I do think that counselling for those who have to give up the child needs to be done and consideration given on both sides - with the advent of new technology - as in *glassortwo's- post even more children may want to know.

My DD had IVF successfully twice, and with the second she donated eggs.

When they completed the forms to allow for the egg donation there was a section that warned her that she could in the future be contacted by a child from that egg donation as the information would be available if that child requested the information.

DD1's birth mother did indeed give her consent. Jacey stressed the importance of intermediaries and I do agree. The first call was to social services and they had on record the fact that she would be made welcome. Before that call was made I had discussed with her the possibility that she might be disturbing a home and family and might not be welcome. Have to say that social services were helpful and supportive.

But isn't the current law on the side of the adoptive child ...if they wish to find their birth mother? The birth mother doesn't have the right to now say they don't wish to be found??

I think that the issue of being tracked down against your wishes should be part of the counselling that should take place before adoption is considered. I would guess that few or none of the mothers who gave up their child for adoption received counselling, or gave/withheld their informed consent about their child making efforts to contact them 18 or more years hence.

It seems to me that the two sides of the -argument- discussion (?) would appear to be ...
1. the adoptive child's right to find out their history
2. the birth mother's right to privacy

Yes the adoptive child can decide to seek out or not to find their birth mother ...two options

But ...and I recognise that many birth mothers wish to be 'found' and nothing but happiness can eventually be found ...what of the rights of the birth mother who, for what ever reason, who doesn't wish to be found?

This is the only experience I have of this situation ... a cousin decided to tract down his birth mother, without the support of any intermediaries ... with dire consequences.

Again ...what of the rights of the birth mother not to be found??

Don't agree with you Popparob and never will about this issue. Children can't give consent and many of the young women who had children that went for adoption were children themselves. It is the right of the child to know about themselves from birth. Your choice if you are not interested - there are many more who would want to know.

Perhaps we hear more about adoptions that haven't been hugely successful and happy rather than those that have. I know a least two very confident, lovely and much-loved contemporaries who were adopted and now have wonderful families of their own. I know one contemporary couple who adopted their two children, now grown-up with successful careers and families of their own. None of these people felt obliged to tell anyone else that they or their children were adopted.

It should not be forgotten that children can lead desperately unhappy lives with their birth families too.

It behoves those of us who had happy and fulfilling childhoods, whether with a birth or adoptive family, to count the blessings that flowed from being loved.

well said Faye I did not sign any contract - I had no choice - the child in those days was the problem to be got rid off - the mother treated like dirt in a lot of cases - that is not fair . We all make mistakes - we are after all human - but the authorities then were cruel and heartless.
PoppaRob you were very lucky - and a good few are - but for some of us the road was fraught with being - bullied and verbally abused - I have fought my demons all but one anyway. And thank GOD for the natural family I found, and yes after getting over the intiial shock - my mom was 70 after all - I was welcomed with open arms - as she said you are my flesh and blood I could never turn you away - I love and miss you mommy xx

Diva it saddened me to read that you felt you had to wait so long to trace your birth mum. For my daughter, for me and for her b'mum I feel that dd1 got the timing right and I'd have been far more upset if she'd gone ahead without telling me. I'm still the one she turns to for babysitting, emotional (and occasional financial) support plus all the day to day family stuff.
When they were little I often wondered if I was in fact good enough to be entrusted with these particularly precious children. However the day came when I felt that we'd done absolutely the right thing.
At 20, she announced that she was unexpectedly pregnant and immediately said, ' I'm assuming, Mum, that we won't be discussing any alternatives to having this baby'. She then came home to live with me throughout the pregnancy and until GD was 6 months old - when they moved into a flat just 5 minutes away.
Her own children know the full story and are happy to have her birth mum and half-siblings in their lives too.

@Faye... I did say I was heartless...

I never had a choice when my parents sold the family home because I was only a child. Should I be able to go there and say I loved that home and I miss it and I wish they never made the decision to sell it, so can I have it back or can I perhaps come visit it sometimes? Of course you're right, a person is not a chattel like a house or car, so if anything a contract regarding the change in ownership or guardianship should be even more sacred.

As for the person who was coerced into relinquishing their child... Can we agree that a parent's first and most important responsibility to a child is to care for the physical and emotional wellbeing of that child? I would make the case that the relinquishing mother wanting to revisit the decision (even if made under duress or coercion) to relinquish her child in any way goes against that responsibility. She may regret it, she may be forever gutted by it, but once made and signed into law the decision should be final and respected at law and all she can do is hold the hope that somewhere her child was loved and wanted.

In life and as in physics, there are no privileged frames of reference. It is what it is and we live with it.

PoppaRob The adopted child didn't sign a contract, what about their rights to choose. Also women who were coerced into signing, don't they have the moral right to know what happened to their babies? One more thing, since when are people the same as houses or cars?

There are two things I'd like to raise which may make me seem a heartless bastard (I try not to be heartless but I do have the papers to prove that I'm a bastard so I use the title proudly!)...

1.) I had a mate at school whose father was one of "The Few" flying fighters for the RAF and my mate totally worshipped him. His parents chose to tell him he was adopted when he was 13 and the kid was so confused and gutted that he attempted suicide. Lots of help over lots of years and he's ok, but what a trauma to put a kid through? Adoptive parents must tell their adopted child s/he's adopted. There is absolutely no excuse not to. I was always told I was adopted, in fact my Mum said they used to tell me as soon as I could talk that I was adopted. I remember being in an argument with a snotty little shit in the school playground and saying to my foe "Well at least I know my Mum and Dad wanted me!"

2.) In 1957 my birth mother relinquished me. In 1958 the court ratified the adoption and a legally binding contract was agreed by all parties that the adoption was finalised and that confidentiality was assured by law for all parties. What gives anyone the right to breach that contract? If I sell a house or car I can't go back in 20 years time and say I've changed my mind, so why should adoption be any different. We all make decisions, sometimes with bad advice or coercion and with hindsight we may regret them, but still those decisions were made and we have to live with them.

Not at all flowerfriend. Children are entitled to know who they are and to feel secure in their identity, so it's no wonder you were knocked off course a little when you discovered the details of your adoption. Life gives you knocks one way or the other - so many Gransnetters who were not adopted but did not feel love and affection from their mothers also carry that yearning for something that has been missing. It's important that we can all come to terms with who we are and learn to try and redress the balance for the next generation.

I feel humbled by all the above experiences and I think I am an ungracious wretch for complaining. Love and hugs to everyone

PoppaRob - that is wonderful and I suppose when adoption succeds that is good - In many ays I would have loved that type of security - and whilst I have dealt with a lot of my demons along the way - I often lack confidence - and feel I am not good enough - Its that bit that causes me problems really - especially now, others on this thread who know the circumstances on another thread - will know what I am talking about.

and from all the negatives of my adoptive family - I have positives of my natural family - one time when visiting my mom she told me she loved me and was proud of me - I wanted to climb Snowdon and shout to the world I am loved. I have 3 great sisters- my older sister is like a best friend to me, and we were all together with mom when she passed away.

But I think its a bit of what syberia has said - you get told something often enough you belive it, and it is hard to shake that off no matter how hard you try.

I suppose I'm one of the lucky ones who sees being adopted as the greatest thing that ever happened to me, but possibly we hear more from those for whom it was not such a great experience? I've met two of my half sisters and communicated with my birth mother and whilst it was an interesting process I found if anything it made me feel even more secure within my adoptive family.

I started in Social Work at a time when there was still a stigma in being an unmarried mother and girls/ women were put under enormous pressure to give up their babies for adoption. I still remember one of my first cases, feeling completely out of my depth going to see a young woman my own age who was going through this. I was too young and inexperienced in life let alone my career to be much help to her, but how very sad and how unnecessary this now seems. I often wonder how that worked out for all concerned.

It is very different these days with very few babies being relinquished voluntarily, but I would just like to say that however dire the situation, and however much a child needs to be removed from his or her birth parents for their own safety, I have met very few (count on one hand) birth mothers who do not genuinely love their children and do not find their loss extremely painful. I think it is important for adopted children to know this.

em - what a wonderful job you have done, giving your daughters all the information they needed to make their own decisions about tracing their birth families.

And syberia forgive me if I am teaching you to suck eggs but I wonder if you have thought of writing your son a letter explaining how things happened and how you felt back then. Adopted children are now often given written information to be shared with them by their adoptive parents, so that they can learn what happened to them at their own pace. This can be very important in helping children to develop self-worth and understand that they were loved. This may be something your son would accept more easily in a letter than face to face. Just a thought.

Charlotta - I would never have judged my mom - I knew when I held my daughter in my arms for the first time - that my mom ( whoever she was - I did not know her at that time) would not go through all this pain, and willingly give a child up. I sort of knew all along she was forced to do it - I was right all along.
You were very brave to do what you did in those times- you went against the tide.

Syberia - as a mother and grandmother I know how difficult those decisons must have been - being forced to give up a child even to your mother in that circumstance is awful.

Again your story shows us how when poison is put down by other people it has devastating effect - in His case her constantly telling him he was not wanted probaly had more of an effect than you actually giving him up. keep the contact up and hopefully one day he will see the truth - I was very lucky yes I found my natural mom - we had 12 happy years of good times before she passed away.

I also have two children who despite all the troubles we are having at the moment - Know they are always loved and always will be despite themselves sometimes.

I was one of the unmarried mothers that Joan mentioned. But I went ahead and had my baby and chose not to marry its father. I refused to go into a home for unmarried mothers and was helped by widowed father.
I lived with him, the baby was born in 1964 and was later adopted by my present DH. After the birth I was often visited by women who had given up their babies and they suffered terribly, and I was so glad I had the maturity, and that bit of necessary back-up that I needed. The Social services were hopeless but the Social Security ( Benefit now called) paid for me and my child until I married. Just - a lot of unmarried mothers were not told that there would be money during the first years. That was kept secret.

We were made to believe no man would ever look at us again but the reverse is true. I got to know two other unmarried mothers and in 3 years we all married, really nice, decent men and we are all still married.
For those who were adopted. they should try not to judge their birth mothers. I was no longer a teenager, but it was the hardest time of my life and I didn't have to give my baby up. I feel it would have killed something inside me.
I shudder even now to think of it, but the pressures to do so were enormous.

Thank you for your supportive comments re my post. There was a lot more to it, but I didn't want people reading it to think I was saying "poor me, please feel sorry for me" as I am not looking for that. The worst part was that my mother constantly told my son that I was a terrible person and I never wanted him. It has been very hard trying to convince him otherwise in fact I don't think he will ever believe my version. We know that if you are repeatedly told something you do believe it.
I went on to marry and have two further children which must have broke his heart. I see him a couple of times a year, his choice, I would see him more often, but there is no closeness, and he just wants "things" from me, and often asks for money. I can understand this.
He is off heroin now, for 3 years, and is on a Methadone program. He says he will stay on that forever as he feels he will always need a crutch.
I just wish things had been different.........