Adoption - has it affected you

I was adopted and I didnt discover until I was 31. My real mother was 18 when she had me and so her mother - my grandmother - and her second husband took me on and led me to believe I was theirs. My grandmother had been dead for a year when I found out. I think it sent me round-the-bend a little. Only the love of a lovely husband kept me from going completely over the edge.

My real mother went on to be married for a great number of years to the same man and had three other children - one of whom I am now in touch with as a dear half-sister. My mother is still alive. I grew up thinking that she was my big sister. She drifted a little out of my life and when I found out - accidentally - of my situation and contacted her she was very cool and I have never seen her to this day. I am now 64.

chadsky I am sorry that your experience of adoption and knowledge of it left you with issues but you did at least have honesty in your life.

I'm not adopted but have been involved in adoption professionally and personally for many years. I know some people who have no interest in meeting their biological parents and others whose lives have been blighted by adoption. Many people regard the fact they were adopted as being the reason for them being a bit unhappy or depressed, but many more people who are unhappy or depresed and not adopted use other reasons, or just don't know why.

Being adopted, for some adults and children in my extended family, has been the best thing that could happen to them. It has affected their perception of themselves, as you have mentioned green, and I think it is how adoption is explained to children that has significant bearing on their future lives. I know one person who secretly found out about their biological background, and since then they have breathed huge sighs of relief that they didn't have to grow up in the situation they were rescued from by social workers.

Sorry - meant chadsky, not green in above posting.

My 2 daughters were adopted at 6 weeks of age. Ask them when they found out about their adoption and they'll tell you they always knew. The favourite bedtime story was about the Mummy and Daddy who were the luckiest people in the world because they were given such a precious gift. Obviously the story changed as appropriate to growing older but the information about birth-mothers was drip fed and absorbed along the way. DD1 traced her mother and she is now somewhat involved in her life. DD2 has chosen not to. Her attitude is simply that if SHE didn't want her as a baby, then DD2 doesn't want her now. She is open about her feelings and discusses it when it bothers her. Another family friend (34) feels he now wants to trace his roots while his brother sees this as 'betraying' their mum. Yet another refuses to discuss it and in medical situations has answered questions by giving the details of his adoptive parents' health!
The only point I'm trying to make is blindingly obvious - that there is no one way to deal with the adoption issue.
I realise that my comments are not really relevant to you Chadsky or flowerfriend but I have never shied away from discussing adoption, whatever the perspective and agree that honesty is absolutely necessary.

I worked in a local County Court from 1961-1964. These courts deal with civil matters: debt, divorce, land tribunals - and adoption.

Anyway, I was a teenager and I loved to see the families come in to sign the adoption papers, with their new adopted baby. Often the babies were in christening-type clothes and the adopting parents were always so very happy.

I'm ashamed to say I never gave a second thought to what the relinquishing mother was going through - it was all so happy and cheerful at the court house. Back in those days pregnant single mums had few choices: for so many it was the home for unmarried pregnant girls, birth and early relinquishing. We all accepted adoption: the kids next door were adopted and we all understood and accepted this as normal.

Some girls had lovely parents who helped them and let the keep the baby - but the girl and her baby would be looked down on by some.

These were horrible times, and these young unmarried mums were expected to just walk away and forget their babies. No-one really questioned it. I feel bad that I didn't either - but I had no idea what motherhood felt like.

Then, at 30, I had a stillborn baby. The grief, the loss, the painful breasts from unneeded milk are harsh memories. Now I feel so sad for those young women. But I also feel so sad for people who want to adopt but find it impossible because nowadays there are so many wanting so few available babies.

Joan life can dish out cruel blows.

My natuaral mom had no choice she lived in a small welsh viliage 1954 you can well imagine. , she had been married before, and was seperated, but found she was pregnant by my father, who promtply dumped her! - she already had two children , so she came to Wolverhampton to have me for some reason - My Maternal grandfather told her she could come back but not me - so she did not have a choice - It is only now going through the things we are going through with my son, that I have any inkling of the feelings she must have felt - and I don't know how she did it - The thought of losing my grandaughter to adoption is terrible - my adoption turned out in the end to be unsucesful - my adoptive mother was a bully - I well remember one time when she - during my teens we had an argument - what it was about I do not remember. but I remember her parting shot vividly " Why don't you get back in the gutter where you came from" those words will always live with me - I have since found my natual mother and I have 3 sisters we get on well - I no longer have contact with my adoptive family

chadsky how shocking to be verbally abused like that! Recovering form this sort of treatment can be difficult, and I'm happy for you that you have found your birth family and it has turned out positively. The words your adoptive mother used say more about her than you - I keep sending you positive vibes and hope our Gransnet good wishes help in some small way.

I could write something here, but am finding it painful to think about, much less want people to have a certain opinion of Syberia

chadsky Your experience was dreadful. I was well-treated. But I was brought up rather strictly and I suppose now that this was because they thought it would keep me on the straight and narrow unlike my mother. And I have to keep harping on about all the deception. I hate that sort of thing.
I hope that everything goes your way chadsky. Strong vibes across the internet to you.

If you have a view that will help to enlighten others syberia go ahead and say what you need to, if it will help. Your right to keep it to yourself is respected, too. You're one of this great gang of Gransnetters who can offer warmth, support and understanding

When I was 18 and 19, I worked with a girl whose weight fluctuated quite wildly - I thought! She went off sick for a few weeks and returned looking decidedly thin and wan, and carried on as normal. Next time she went off sick, having put all that weight back on, I had become friendly with a mutual pal, who decided to confide in me. We went off to a Catholic mother and baby home in Cheshire to see her beautiful daughter, who was placed for adoption a couple of days later. Back she came to work and no more was said.

I still think about her all these years later. Apparently, her father made her give two daughters up for adoption. At the same time, my sister had married and had her son, who is now in his forties. She left her husband when he was unfaithful and brought her baby home to us. What terrible judgements were made at that time! One happy little boy in the bosom of his family after his dad behaved so irresponsibly, and two little girls sent away from their mum because it was a 'scandal' to have a baby out of wedlock in those days. So sad.

Ok, here goes. The shortened version. At 17 I had a son. My mother bullied me into giving him up to her to adopt. I was naive and did not know there may have been other options open to me. She had always been a very cruel mother to me, and I had to sit on the sidelines and watch her be cruel to my son, from a distance, as I did not live at home. Years passed, he grew up and has been fighting heroin addiction for 18 years. If only it had been different. Of course, he may have become addicted to heroin if I had brought him up, there is no way of knowing. Sorry, I know this does not help anyone, but the thread is called Adoption - has it affected you. Yes. it has.

I too am adopted, I had a wonderful adopted family who also adopted a brother for me who is 4 years younger than I. I waited until my mother died before tracing my birth mother as I knew how hurt she would be and that she would feel that she had failed me as a mother in some way.

My birth mother lives close to me , by chance, we both moved here from a distance away, we have a relationship and I have met my half sisters and brother.

I feel that I have completed my jigsaw and have all my questions answered about my birth etc.

syberia you were a child yourself, and I can only begin to imagine how helpless you have felt over the years - him too. I hope he's getting all the support he needs. Have you explained to him what happened all those years ago? I think it is helpful for adopted people to know that there can still be problems arising from being kept within the family, too. It all stems from the terrible judgements that are made about girls when they have babies at a young age. I noticed that your profile says you have a granddaughter on the way next month - that's wonderful. You have certainly given us some food for thought - I have always speculated about how the young mum must feel, and never really known much about that side of things. I have known heroin users from every walk of life, and it has usually been peer pressure that has got them into it. There are no research results that say adopted children are more likely to turn to drugs as they become teenagers. Thank you for sharing your story

syberia how hard all this must have been for you. But it was all so different back then, wasn't it? I remember only too well, but that's another story. And you didn't have any support from your mother, which makes it worse. So you have a lot to ponder about adoption, and it must hurt each time the memories come to the surface.

I hope a little unburdening here will help - you were brave to do it! Sometimes just sharing things helps lighten the load.

(((hugs)))

Carol Ariadne

Thank you for your supportive comments re my post. There was a lot more to it, but I didn't want people reading it to think I was saying "poor me, please feel sorry for me" as I am not looking for that. The worst part was that my mother constantly told my son that I was a terrible person and I never wanted him. It has been very hard trying to convince him otherwise in fact I don't think he will ever believe my version. We know that if you are repeatedly told something you do believe it.
I went on to marry and have two further children which must have broke his heart. I see him a couple of times a year, his choice, I would see him more often, but there is no closeness, and he just wants "things" from me, and often asks for money. I can understand this.
He is off heroin now, for 3 years, and is on a Methadone program. He says he will stay on that forever as he feels he will always need a crutch.
I just wish things had been different.........

I was one of the unmarried mothers that Joan mentioned. But I went ahead and had my baby and chose not to marry its father. I refused to go into a home for unmarried mothers and was helped by widowed father.
I lived with him, the baby was born in 1964 and was later adopted by my present DH. After the birth I was often visited by women who had given up their babies and they suffered terribly, and I was so glad I had the maturity, and that bit of necessary back-up that I needed. The Social services were hopeless but the Social Security ( Benefit now called) paid for me and my child until I married. Just - a lot of unmarried mothers were not told that there would be money during the first years. That was kept secret.

We were made to believe no man would ever look at us again but the reverse is true. I got to know two other unmarried mothers and in 3 years we all married, really nice, decent men and we are all still married.
For those who were adopted. they should try not to judge their birth mothers. I was no longer a teenager, but it was the hardest time of my life and I didn't have to give my baby up. I feel it would have killed something inside me.
I shudder even now to think of it, but the pressures to do so were enormous.

Syberia - as a mother and grandmother I know how difficult those decisons must have been - being forced to give up a child even to your mother in that circumstance is awful.

Again your story shows us how when poison is put down by other people it has devastating effect - in His case her constantly telling him he was not wanted probaly had more of an effect than you actually giving him up. keep the contact up and hopefully one day he will see the truth - I was very lucky yes I found my natural mom - we had 12 happy years of good times before she passed away.

I also have two children who despite all the troubles we are having at the moment - Know they are always loved and always will be despite themselves sometimes.

Charlotta - I would never have judged my mom - I knew when I held my daughter in my arms for the first time - that my mom ( whoever she was - I did not know her at that time) would not go through all this pain, and willingly give a child up. I sort of knew all along she was forced to do it - I was right all along.
You were very brave to do what you did in those times- you went against the tide.

I started in Social Work at a time when there was still a stigma in being an unmarried mother and girls/ women were put under enormous pressure to give up their babies for adoption. I still remember one of my first cases, feeling completely out of my depth going to see a young woman my own age who was going through this. I was too young and inexperienced in life let alone my career to be much help to her, but how very sad and how unnecessary this now seems. I often wonder how that worked out for all concerned.

It is very different these days with very few babies being relinquished voluntarily, but I would just like to say that however dire the situation, and however much a child needs to be removed from his or her birth parents for their own safety, I have met very few (count on one hand) birth mothers who do not genuinely love their children and do not find their loss extremely painful. I think it is important for adopted children to know this.

em - what a wonderful job you have done, giving your daughters all the information they needed to make their own decisions about tracing their birth families.

And syberia forgive me if I am teaching you to suck eggs but I wonder if you have thought of writing your son a letter explaining how things happened and how you felt back then. Adopted children are now often given written information to be shared with them by their adoptive parents, so that they can learn what happened to them at their own pace. This can be very important in helping children to develop self-worth and understand that they were loved. This may be something your son would accept more easily in a letter than face to face. Just a thought.

I suppose I'm one of the lucky ones who sees being adopted as the greatest thing that ever happened to me, but possibly we hear more from those for whom it was not such a great experience? I've met two of my half sisters and communicated with my birth mother and whilst it was an interesting process I found if anything it made me feel even more secure within my adoptive family.

PoppaRob - that is wonderful and I suppose when adoption succeds that is good - In many ays I would have loved that type of security - and whilst I have dealt with a lot of my demons along the way - I often lack confidence - and feel I am not good enough - Its that bit that causes me problems really - especially now, others on this thread who know the circumstances on another thread - will know what I am talking about.

and from all the negatives of my adoptive family - I have positives of my natural family - one time when visiting my mom she told me she loved me and was proud of me - I wanted to climb Snowdon and shout to the world I am loved. I have 3 great sisters- my older sister is like a best friend to me, and we were all together with mom when she passed away.

But I think its a bit of what syberia has said - you get told something often enough you belive it, and it is hard to shake that off no matter how hard you try.